Long distance relationships... Who has to move?

Kinkyhairlady

Kinkyhairlady

Well-Known Member
I recently met someone who lives in another state and I am smitten by him but the problem is that he has no intentions ever of moving to where I am. I know a couple of girls who dated men out of state and the guy ended up moving to the woman's state. Though I just met him and we've been communicating I don't want to fall deep only to be disappointed later cause I'm pretty sure I can't move do to family obligations. Lady's who were in long distance relationships which one of you had to make the move?

Also he does not want to move cause his whole family is in that state and they're super close. He also believes he can be more successful in that state with his career. I'm not going to say the states but he's down South and I'm up North.
 
I know it's still early days but i think you should have this conversation with him now so you don't end up wasting your time. It's not about getting him to say that he will move but at least letting that be a consideration in his mind. if you expect/want/desire that from him then you have to be willing (in theory) to make that sacrifice also. The longer this is unspoken, the more unsettled you will be.
 
There is no right answer to that question. This is a conversation that you need to have with him and the person to move will be whoever you all decide it will be more convenient for.

If neither you nor he has any intentions of moving then y'all need to cut your losses and move on.
 
I agree with the ladies who've already posted. You need to have a conversation with him about this now and if neither of you are willing to compromise, then it's time to move on. No need to waste each other's time.
 
Yeah he has already told me he won't move and me I am uncertain but I really like my state but at the same time I want to settle down and start a family so if I were to find someone who wants that as well I will have to compromise. My issue is the family obligation, my mom will suffer if I leave and I don't want that.
 
I wouldn't plan for much of a relationship with him unless you are willing to move to where he is.

He's already said that he has no desire to move. What else does he need to say?

Didn't you say you all just met? Keep your prospects open girlie.
 
I'm sorry but he doesn't sound that interested given his rigidity. I also think that it depends on each person's circumstances however both must have some sort of willingness to move if need be.
 
This is an early conversation; not so much who will move BUT to make sure that BOTH of you are willing to move. As the relationship continues, so should the move conversation continue UNTIL you determine which move makes the most financial sense.

Honestly, since both of you are not willing to move, I'd say let this one go. Sorry both of you have to be willing to move in order for a long-distance to be successful, in my opinion.
 
Windsy said:
This is an early conversation; not so much who will move BUT to make sure that BOTH of you are willing to move. As the relationship continues, so should the move conversation continue UNTIL you determine which move makes the most financial sense.

Honestly, since both of you are not willing to move, I'd say let this one go. Sorry both of you have to be willing to move in order for a long-distance to be successful, in my opinion.
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I technically can't move for 2 years cause of school so I need to graduate first then start looking for a job over where he's at. He said when I'm done I need to move. I feel like because he is the man he expects me to follow him which is fine but my mom will not like that.

His family is very successful in that state and he sees how they are able to enjoy the money from their labor whereas up north it's not that easy which is true cause if I were down south working in my profession I would be able to save more. I see all his side and really on my end only my mom is really stopping me. I like the state I'm in but it would not be too big of a deal if I moved in the future. I just don't want to get involved and this blows up in my face. He's already told me he is looking for a wife and is willing to travel back and forth to see me while I complete school. I'm tempted but I have to be rational. I've been single and searching for a while now and this is the only one that seems normal, no drama or shadiness so far. It's just the distance.
 
Kinkyhairlady said:
I technically can't move for 2 years cause of school so I need to graduate first then start looking for a job over where he's at. He said when I'm done I need to move. I feel like because he is the man he expects me to follow him which is fine but my mom will not like that.

His family is very successful in that state and he sees how they are able to enjoy the money from their labor whereas up north it's not that easy which is true cause if I were down south working in my profession I would be able to save more. I see all his side and really on my end only my mom is really stopping me. I like the state I'm in but it would not be too big of a deal if I moved in the future. I just don't want to get involved and this blows up in my face. He's already told me he is looking for a wife and is willing to travel back and forth to see me while I complete school. I'm tempted but I have to be rational. I've been single and searching for a while now and this is the only one that seems normal, no drama or shadiness so far. It's just the distance.
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This may sound harsh and rude so let me pre-apologize.

Unless your mother is ill then she's already lived her life and you have to live yours. Just my honest opinion.

And no, not becuase he's the man you have to move. I know a couple where it made more financial sense for him to move and he moved. She already had a house and her income was more than his. He actually was able to find better employment in her state that his. It really comes down to financial sense NOT family.....my opinion.
 
First off:
If a man is crazy about a woman and desires to marry her, he'll do whatever he must do, including relocate to be with her :yep:
It sounds like he's willing to put forth quite the effort, but only if YOU move,:look: but I say give it some time...
 
I think both should move. Fresh start for both in a new state/country gives u thw perfect environment to create a family of your own!
 
If you two do fall in love and you end up moving, perhaps your mother could move as well (into her own place of course). That way you will both have family close by. I appreciate him being upfront and honest, at least you know the deal, and it sounds like his area would be better for both of you.
 
Kinkyhairlady said:
I recently met someone who lives in another state and I am smitten by him but the problem is that he has no intentions ever of moving to where I am. I know a couple of girls who dated men out of state and the guy ended up moving to the woman's state. Though I just met him and we've been communicating I don't want to fall deep only to be disappointed later cause I'm pretty sure I can't move do to family obligations. Lady's who were in long distance relationships which one of you had to make the move?

Also he does not want to move cause his whole family is in that state and they're super close. He also believes he can be more successful in that state with his career. I'm not going to say the states but he's down South and I'm up North.
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It's too early to put this kind of pressure on your new relationship. You are still in the early stages of getting to know each other and things change, feelings change. Please don't sabatoge your relationship before it even begins. You being worried about location right now is a defense mechanism that many of us afriad of getting hurt tend to do.

He could be against a move today and totally for it next month. Just enjoy your time together and live your life to the fullest. Communicate, have fun and be the woman he will do anything for.
 
Kinkyhairlady said:
Yeah he has already told me he won't move and me I am uncertain but I really like my state but at the same time I want to settle down and start a family so if I were to find someone who wants that as well I will have to compromise. My issue is the family obligation, my mom will suffer if I leave and I don't want that.
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Who brought up the moving question? Sounds like an aweful lot of pressure so early. I think you would be better served focusing on how and when you guys will see each other as you date. Take it slow, don't rush and don't force his hand, all he is going to do is dig his heels in. I know you want a family but it's too soon to even be throwing that in the ring when you still have to nurture this relationship.
 
CurlyMoo said:
It's too early to put this kind of pressure on your new relationship. You are still in the early stages of getting to know each other and things change, feelings change. Please don't sabatoge your relationship before it even begins. You being worried about location right now is a defense mechanism that many of us afriad of getting hurt tend to do.

He could be against a move today and totally for it next month. Just enjoy your time together and live your life to the fullest. Communicate, have fun and be the woman he will do anything for.
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I like what you said, who knows he may change his mind. I eventually want to move but not until much later in life. I will just live my life to the fullest I never did before. I'm just so sensitive so if this does not play out right I will be hurt. Tired of getting hurt.
 
Kinkyhairlady said:
I technically can't move for 2 years cause of school so I need to graduate first then start looking for a job over where he's at. He said when I'm done I need to move. I feel like because he is the man he expects me to follow him which is fine but my mom will not like that.

His family is very successful in that state and he sees how they are able to enjoy the money from their labor whereas up north it's not that easy which is true cause if I were down south working in my profession I would be able to save more. I see all his side and really on my end only my mom is really stopping me. I like the state I'm in but it would not be too big of a deal if I moved in the future. I just don't want to get involved and this blows up in my face. He's already told me he is looking for a wife and is willing to travel back and forth to see me while I complete school. I'm tempted but I have to be rational. I've been single and searching for a while now and this is the only one that seems normal, no drama or shadiness so far. It's just the distance.
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I know the distance is tough but, my advice would be to worry about school right now, you have 2 years to date and see where this relationship goes to even begin thinking about moving. And if you do move, will you be moving for marriage or a living arrangement? But that's all in the future. Let mom visit you if you decide to move where he is.
 
Kinkyhairlady said:
I like what you said, who knows he may change his mind. I eventually want to move but not until much later in life. I will just live my life to the fullest I never did before. I'm just so sensitive so if this does not play out right I will be hurt. Tired of getting hurt.
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Oh I know how you feel. I've been hurt and lost a love due to poor choices.

This is a serious choice to make, you can't make it lightly. Get to know him, enjoy him. Enjoy travel, school, whatever. It's YOUR relationship not your moms, LHCF's, your girlfriends. It's YOURS. Nuture it and think on things before you act. One step at a time. Let's not be so strict to say what you will be thinking and feeling a few years from now. He can't say how he will be thinking and feeling in a few years either so please do not try to nail him to the wall because he's only going to give you what he thinks and feels now. Good luck and take care of you.
 
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Before DH & I got married he was in the South and I was up North. We dated for two years and unlike you, I was ready for a change and to move--even though it would be far away from family and friends.

He made sure that he did everything possible to make sure that my transition was comfortable as I knew he would.

I'm really happy to be in the South, I couldn't imagine living up North again, even though I do miss being close to my family.
 
As someone currently in one....i think u should take into account what he has told u. His mind may change but it may not. I plan on moving closer to my so but im not forcing myself. I planned on leaving the city lifr for a suburban life before we even got serious. My SO in the beginning was not into moving out of his state cuz its all he knows. But after him taking trips up to where i live it has expanded his views on where he could see himself living. And now hes totally open to moving where i am if need be. But thats just an example of a guy changing his mind as time goes on
 
Well, I'm in a somewhat similar situation with my potential SO. He asked me would I be willing to move to his state, and I said yes. I've always wanted to live here and I have a very transferable job, so it wasn't a problem and he was very upfront about it. I've actually already temporarily moved out here to see how it goes. Also, he makes more money than I do, and technically I can get a job almost anywhere. In my opinion one has to be the one to compromise and it's best to see how it goes and what is the best thing for both of you when the time comes.

Sent from my Droid Incredible
 
Well I've decided to move after I graduated which is in 2013, God willing. I think I will be able to afford a better lifestyle there. I told my mom to mentally prepare her and she was not to happy. She told me to pray on it and I will. I also told him and he agrees it will be better and that he will be able to provide for us more there. Now I'm not moving cause of him, I just think career wise I will be able to afford a nicer home among other things.
 
Kinkyhairlady said:
I recently met someone who lives in another state and I am smitten by him but the problem is that he has no intentions ever of moving to where I am. I know a couple of girls who dated men out of state and the guy ended up moving to the woman's state. Though I just met him and we've been communicating I don't want to fall deep only to be disappointed later cause I'm pretty sure I can't move do to family obligations. Lady's who were in long distance relationships which one of you had to make the move?

Also he does not want to move cause his whole family is in that state and they're super close. He also believes he can be more successful in that state with his career. I'm not going to say the states but he's down South and I'm up North.
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This sounds bad to me. A relationship can not work unless BOTH are willing to make sacrifices. Also, women are not to do most of the work in the beginning. A man is supposed to prove himself worthy to you. Don't you ever move to a SOs desired place of residence unless you have a ring on your finger. If you do otherwise, you are definitely at risk of getting hurt.
 
Move for marriage....YES, move just to "date" or live together.....NO WAY!

Make sure you visit often enough to know that you really like the area.
 
I say no way jose! Its different if you guys have been dating for a long time, and you both decide that its better for your future for one or both of you to move.

First of all you are moving away from your family to this person's place. You will have NO support system there and IF things go sour you will have noone to lean on. Any man who would suggest this when you are not in the serious relationship phase makes me mad - one way to look at it is to ask if he would want his daughter to do it. He does not care that you would be moving away from your support system once he can keep his comfort? NO NO NO. If he cannot see things your way in this stage how much worst will it be when he knows he has you hooked, and you are away from friends and family?
 
I wouldn't start a relationship off long distance. For me, I think there are 3 requirements to dating long distance:

1. We're in love
2. One or both of us are willing to relocate
3. We plan on getting married.

Otherwise, what's the point? Relocate just to breakup later?
 
Twinspired said:
I wouldn't start a relationship off long distance. For me, I think there are 3 requirements to dating long distance:

1. We're in love
2. One or both of us are willing to relocate
3. We plan on getting married.

Otherwise, what's the point? Relocate just to breakup later?
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I can't move for 2 years anyways so if we are still together I will expect a ring but if we're not it will be ok I'm still going. I just feel at some point I'll want something new and I can't stay where I am because of my mom, I have to do me. Who knows I might visit other states that I like and I will go there. I plan to go there again in December to take another look. We'll see what happens.
 
Two years from now is almost a life-time for a young person. Think of how much you've learned and changed from 2 years ago.

I think its fine to move away to another state as long as you aren't doing it to pursue a relationship with any guy. The world is your oyster.
 
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