Letting Men Be Men

[PrissiSippi]

I see the common theme that women should not be so gun ho about being independent. Instead they should focus on letting me be men. What are some examples of this?

 

[ladysaraii]

Well one thing could be not solving their problems for them.

I'll use my sister as an example, with her bum arse exes, she would do everything. If they were running out of money, she would figure it out and find a way to get it. If he didn't have a job, she would look for one for him. If he had a question with the school he was at, she would jump on the phone and handle it.

I would always tell her to stop that mess. They are capable of problem solving and if they aren't they need to learn.

Another could be simply recognizing differences between the sexes. Men are men, not women, just like we aren't men with breasts. I think understanding that can go a long way

 

[naija24]

nothing to add except that people should be careful when saying "letting men be men", because a lot of men have a very different idea of what that means. I let my man be a man, cuz I can't STOP him from being a man, but I'm not gonna let him just gawk at some lady if he does just to fulfill the "let men be men" thing.

 

[ladysaraii]

nothing to add except that people should be careful when saying "letting men be men", because a lot of men have a very different idea of what that means. I let my man be a man, cuz I can't STOP him from being a man, but I'm not gonna let him just gawk at some lady if he does just to fulfill the "let men be men" thing.

I agree with you. Letting a man be a man does not mean accepting foolishness IMO. Manhood comes with responsibilities.

 

[Mai Tai]

I am fiercly independent but I don't wear it on my shoulder in an "I don't need a man" type fashion.

To me letting a man be a man is to stop trying to fix him and change him. This is why it is so important to choose your men wisely. A broken man's definition of manhood may make lying, cheating, abuse, and uselessness ok in his eyes, and allowing someone like this to be a "man" in your life will bring HELL.

Letting a man be a man is recognizing and respecting the differences between men and women. Men are typically physically stronger. Allow him to do the heavy lifting, the carrying, and the fixing. Since my FH and I have been together, I have yet to lift a finger when carrying groceries, moving furniture, or setting up electronics even though I am fully capable. Stop expecting him to be your girlfriend. Give him a chance to learn how to listen to your heart.

 

[hopeful]

I think it's less about letting men be men and more about us allowing ourselves to be women, to be feminine, soft, etc. Things work out best when I focus on that because sometimes that can be really hard. My mother was divorced and I watched her do everything with no help and even though I knew I wanted to be a sahm I still managed to do way too much, too often. I am much happier being more feminine and my dh is happier too. It's a hard habit to break though. I will think I got it figured out and I will find myself doing too much, trying to fix every problem, trying to help my dh with stuff. But I am learning. I catch myself and just stop.

 

[hopeful]

nothing to add except that people should be careful when saying "letting men be men", because a lot of men have a very different idea of what that means. I let my man be a man, cuz I can't STOP him from being a man, but I'm not gonna let him just gawk at some lady if he does just to fulfill the "let men be men" thing.

Most of us do not even know what a "real" man looks like. That is a big part of the problem.

 

[naija24]

maybe i'm just liberal but i don't get too deep into the whole gender role crap because everyone is different. i've dated guys that many other guys would call "losers" because they weren't athletic, or super tall, or hyper masculine and trying to boink everything that breathed. but they were still men. and I "allowed" them to be by letting them be themselves. If my man wants to watch the game or play sports, then great. Good for you. I already know he's looking at women. I look at dudes. I don't gawk or visibly fantasize and he should provide me the same respect. That's all well and good in my book. We are human after all.

i refuse, however, to let antiquated notions of gender define me or my relationships. i can't stop my boyfriend from being a man. he can do whatever he wants. but i have my expectations, my feelings and my personal objectives for a relationship. if he doesn't fulfill them, then deuces. it has nothing to do with him being a man.

and notice no one ever says "let a woman be a woman". no, because society wants women to feel controlled or be controlled outright. my objection to the term "let men be men" is from experience, viewing the media, etc where basically men can get away with crazy stuff or foolishness because they're men and they're entitled.

a guy can sleep around and it's just a man being a man. a woman sleeps with more than 5 dudes before her current guy and she might as well be a slut. it's BS. I'm sorry. How about we say "live and let live, but respect your SO"?


**


To the OP, women being independent as a problem to men is ALWAYS sexism and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Men want to feel needed. So do women. But if woman voices she wants to feel needed, then she's needy. Insecure, etc. If she makes it clear she DOESN'T need someone, she's too independent, being a man etc. Society is socially engineered to work against women in most cases.

Whoever you date, you have to keep that in mind. Be independent. Be feminine. Let you man define what "being a man" means to him. But don't ever let anyone, even a man, define being a "woman" means to you.

 

[Jasmataz]

To me, letting a man be a man includes letting him take the lead, letting him protect you, letting him treat you like a lady.

I struggled with this in the beginning of my relationship with FH, and at times I still struggle with it to be honest.

 

[nlamr2013]

Im sorry naija24 but dannnng where did that come from? every response I just read says nothing but to let me do for the woman and himself no one even brought up sex or cheating. I think someone even specifically said that what youre describing is definitely not man characteristics.

To answer op imo letting a man be a man, comes first from me acting like a lady. I agree with mai tai about choosing wisely.
In terms of independence I feel you should have your own but there is no reason to always let everyone know this.
My mom always told me in dealing with anyone but especially men or people of authority, let them think things are their idea and make them feel like they did you a huge favor when really they just did something you expected or wanted. She always tells me this in reference to my professors and buttering them up to get extensions or less harsh grading. Works all the time.
Also be vulnerable with your man( goes back to choosing well)

 

[naija24]

nadaa16, what I'm saying is that I don't play into gender roles of "letting men be men". If a woman wants to be independent, then let her. the entire idea behind it being possible that women can be "too" independent, in my view and the view of academic journals, literary arguments, etc, is sexist.

as if women can't be "independent" and "let men be men" at the same.

Sorry if my post came off as too blunt. I understand where the OP is coming from but I frankly hate that saying.

 

[PrissiSippi]

To me, letting a man be a man includes letting him take the lead, letting him protect you, letting him treat you like a lady.

I struggled with this in the beginning of my relationship with FH, and at times I still struggle with it to be honest.

Now from this thread I also feel I struggle with this. I can think of times where he was oblivious on what to do and even small like finding a park in crowded New Orleans I got annoyed and just solved the problem for him. Just found the quickest spot gave him money (even tho he already had it) and told him to park in the high tail valet because frank,y I was ready to go to Mother's restaurant and see what the fuss was about. Instead I should have let him just figure it out and ride patiently until he figured it out.

Also with renters insurance. I comp,aimed we needed it. He didn't get it. It's been 4 months. I go behind and just say fine and get renters insurance in my name....little did I know he had just signed a policy. I should have waited no matter the time.

I kind of feel like I'm the leader and I o a lot of bossing around. Comes natural to me since my mom was the man in my household growing up. I'm going to start sitting back and letting him drive our relationship more. I just like stuff being done my way and when I want it

 

[ladysaraii]

@nadaa16, what I'm saying is that I don't play into gender roles of "letting men be men". If a woman wants to be independent, then let her. the entire idea behind it being possible that women can be "too" independent, in my view and the view of academic journals, literary arguments, etc, is sexist.

as if women can't be "independent" and "let men be men" at the same.

Sorry if my post came off as too blunt. I understand where the OP is coming from but I frankly hate that saying.

I see where you are coming from, heck I used to feel the same way. I do disagree a little.

I do think there is such a thing as being too independent in a relationship. man or woman. A relationship is two (or more if that's how you're inclined) people coming together to form a unit. And it's in our nature to need to be needed and to need others. I think it's a fine line and tough act to balance, but there is a sweet spot that doesn't turn into the woman becoming a doormat or losing herself

 

[MD_Lady]

..I kind of feel like I'm the leader and I o a lot of bossing around. Comes natural to me since my mom was the man in my household growing up. I'm going to start sitting back and letting him drive our relationship more. I just like stuff being done my way and when I want it

But to me, that's not about "letting a man be a man" as much as it is respecting the fact that it's OK not to do things your way all the time (which is an approach we should take when dealing with people period, not just DH/SO). And I'm all for picking your battles, but some things really do have to get done NOW and not when DH/SO gets around to feeling like doing it- and pointing that out doesn't mean you're being "bossy" or "too independent".

 

[FelaShrine]

I see the common theme that women should not be so gun ho about being independent. Instead they should focus on letting me be men. What are some examples of this?

It means letting a man act like the male in the relationships its not about stripclubs or boys be boys type nonsense

its about not screaming how you dont need him when he wants to help..in other words no emasculation which many modern women tend to do..its really weird.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

I'll use my sister as an example, with her bum arse exes, she would do everything. If they were running out of money, she would figure it out and find a way to get it. If he didn't have a job, she would look for one for him. If he had a question with the school he was at, she would jump on the phone and handle it.

And to this I say that her actions were not wrong, she was just with the wrong man.

The right man with this kind of support would build on the foundation she was laying out. Whereas the unmotivated will be content with her doing everything.

Goes back to what Hopeful said, alog of us don't know what a 'real' man looks like.

 

[SincerelyJane]

A lot of it is about catering to the male ego as well. I read a lot about letting men take the lead, but generally written with the understanding at every woman wants a gender normative relationship, which isn't necessarily true.

Some things that I see with a lot of woman is that they want to be all big and bad, but the want a SO who is bigger and badder, so that they can look up to him. But they want someone who will prove themselves and a lot of guys just arent here for that. They don't want to have to fight to prove themselves, and I don't blame them. I wouldn't want to date someone who expected me to outwoman him to prove that I'm really a woman. So guys will back down to avoid the fight (because they just want some peace), or they'll go along with whatever the woman says (in efforts to make her happy and get some peace), and then the woman gets frustrated because she's like why won't you just man up. This lowers the dudes self esteem/confidence, which only breeds more contempt from the woman, and it's this viscious circle.

Men are very competitive but they do not want to enter a contest that they know they're going to lose. So that's why you see them go after the women they tend to go after.

I grew up in a house full of women, it took me awhile to understand this, especially given the nature of my work life/profession. But I tried out a bunch of different things, dated a bunch of different guys, which helped me figure out what type of relationship I wanted and what would work best for me. I shut out everyone else's expectations, preferences and desires, because those people aren't going to be in a relationship with me and my man.

I also had to change some of my approach to things.

But it's definitely not a size fits all approach, there's not kind of "man", and theres no man that is the "best kind of man". Now when I hear other woman talking their relationships, and this dynamic is the best, etc. I just remind myself to be honest with myself and authentic about who I am because that will afford me the best chance to find a relationship that would make as happy as they are.

 

[PrissiSippi]

Bump bump bump!!

 

[Jas123]

hopeful can you expound a little more on the bolded.. maybe give an example or 2 or 3... As an inherent caregiver (as many women are) how do you stop doing so much w/o feeling like you're not contributing to the relationship/household/whatever?
TIA

I think it's less about letting men be men and more about us allowing ourselves to be women, to be feminine, soft, etc. Things work out best when I focus on that because sometimes that can be really hard. My mother was divorced and I watched her do everything with no help and even though I knew I wanted to be a sahm I still managed to do way too much, too often. I am much happier being more feminine and my dh is happier too. It's a hard habit to break though. I will think I got it figured out and I will find myself doing too much, trying to fix every problem, trying to help my dh with stuff. But I am learning. I catch myself and just stop.

 

[hopeful]

Jas123

Example 1. If something is broken, I find someone to fix it, set up appointment, meet random repairman, pay him, etc.

Example 2. Dh double books. Forgets we planned to do A but he accidentally commits to doing B. I may "help" him by rearranging things or letting him off the hook. And letting plan A go.

In both cases I am now more likely to just smile and let him "fix" it, figure things out in a way that makes sense and makes me happy . It is clear that my happiness is important.

Initially you feel guilty and less productive. But what you find are two things. One, I am less stressed and happier, and consequently have more time to dedicate to being sexier, prettier, etc. Two I actually become more productive doing the things that I feel are more in my domain, things that I enjoy more.

Also dh is happier because I am happier and because he is being more productive and making a bigger contribution to the home and problem-solving. It's a win win.

 

[PrissiSippi]

I'm going to try to incorporate some of this ASAP. I see myself turning into my mom each day. She's a powerful woman but certain aspects of my marriage I do not want to be like this

 

[moore.1506]

Imo

Letting a man be a man is let him take the lead decide the dates pay for meals drive the car.
Show him he's valued ask him to fix and open things for you. Ask his opinion take his advice. Let him know how much you appreciated his opion.
Dont turn him into your girlfriend. Dont ask for fashion advice or make him watch reality shows. Keeo up with your girls so you have people who can fufill your femine side.
Dont seduce by taking charge seduce by being subdtle. Come out in your bra and panties and accidently drop your phone.
Make an effort to show how good art least one of your domestic skills are in return expect and hold him to his duties trash bugs lawn.
Hold him to high standards and let it be known thats what you see and expect of him integrity, stabding up for convictions etc.
Respect him esp in public and in front of friends and fam.
Let him believe he was the decision maker on thing aka make him think he came up with something that was your idea.
Again often saw and show your appreciation.
Hope i didnt offend anyone. This is just my humble opinion.

 

[SophieDulce]

To me letting a men be a men is stop trying to control them and acting like their mothers. Allow them to figure things out for themselves and even allowing them to fail if they have to. Dealing with the consequences of their actions as men. Stop reminding them of shyt every 2 seconds. If they forget and fck up its on them. letting men be men is all about allowing a man to take personal responsibility for himself without you meddling and being all up in his shyt. Sitting back and relaxing. I personally believe it has less to do with gender stereotypes and more to do with the controlling and micromanaging of men that many women tend to do.

Trusting your man Is key. Again it goes back choosing wisely.

 

[CurlyMoo]

nothing to add except that people should be careful when saying "letting men be men", because a lot of men have a very different idea of what that means. I let my man be a man, cuz I can't STOP him from being a man, but I'm not gonna let him just gawk at some lady if he does just to fulfill the "let men be men" thing.

That's not being a man, that's called disrespect.

 

[PrissiSippi]

That's not being a man, that's called disrespect.

These are the exact words I wanted to say