Let's Discuss: AA and Matchmaking Your Friends

[loolalooh]

So I was watching the Hills reruns last night look:yea, yea). Stephanie tells her friend Lo that she's ready to be in a relationship ...

Matchmake #1: Lo volunteers her boyfriend's friend Max. Lo, her bf, Stephanie, and Max then go on a double date. It goes well so Stephanie and Max go out a second time by themselves. Stephanie and Max amicably stop dating after that; not quite right for each other.

Matchmake #2: Stephanie goes out with her friends (male and female) to a club/restaurant. Brody's friend (I forget his name so I'll call him Jeff), who is also at the gathering, thinks Stephanie is cute. Jeff asks Brody if Stephanie is cool. Even though Brody says no, the point is that Jeff and Stephanie got exposed to each other. Jeff approaches Stephanie, and they set up a date. The two of them hit it off on the date!

The show got me thinking ...
My friends are a mix of singles and gf's in relationships - but mostly singles. My friends are all female except for one male. The male and the gf's in relationships are not at all active in matchmaking the single friends. However, I've witnessed this happening in the white and Asian community. Now I don't want to make any generalizations so I'll just ask ...

Do you feel ohwell that other cultures do more matchmaking than the African American community? Do you feel that other cultures have more co-ed events to allow for self-matchmaking? If so, why is this? If not, elaborate please. Your thoughts?

 

[Duchesse]

In short, yes and no. I'm African American/Caribbean, and my social group consists primarily of the same mix. I can't really compare to other cultures (white, Asian, etc.) as I don't have much intimate knowledge of these groups...but from what I've seen, heard of peripherally, it does seem that they are more active in matchmaking than we are.

In my group it's an even mix of singles, newly married, and long term relationshipers.

I don't know if it's greediness or just a lack of knowing eligible men (I think a combo tbh), but there is very little "hey, I think I have someone who you may like" going on. We have had events where friends of friends have attended and got linked up (myself included..though that part. experience bombed badly), but not active matchmaking....this is actually making me question why we as a group don't do this .

 

[LunadeMiel]

From my observations, yes.

 

[Bunny77]

I wish I could do more. I have a little brother who I'm open to matching, but other than that, I don't know many other men who are looking to settle down now.

I wonder if AAs don't do this more because we don't look at marriage as a purposeful goal and just kind of take the mindset that it just happens randomly. Also (which I think is the bigger issue), if our communities don't promote a marriage mindset, the impetus to matchmake can't really develop.

 

[JinaRicci]

Yes, from what I've seen some other cultures have more formal match-making & are under more pressure/find it more critical to get married by a certain time.

I had a couple friends who while we were in school took a month off to go back to Asia to find someone, get married & have a honeymoon. That was very crazy to me but perfectly normal for their culture.

 

[LivingDol1]

i don't think so.

all of my friends are of mixed backgrounds. white, black, asian, hispanic, miscellaneous... i never get set up with anyone. most of my friends are females. all of my guy friends are taken. my guy friends don't know any guys who aren't taken, and if they do, that guy is described as a player pig.

one of my asian friends said she knew of an indian guy she wanted me to meet.. . . . and last year, one of my euro friends had me meet one of her guy friends in the city... but he was super fug.

i think it's more about the gender balance than cultural....

 

[anon123]

I think Americans in general are often resistant to being set up. They see it as lame. Especially if done by family members. They are embarrassed by it. Like they aren't desirable or savvy enough to find someone themselves and/or their family's choices wouldn't be really right for them. It's a classic sitcom plot where the mother is trying to hook her 30-something single daughter or son up with someone, starting with "I know a nice young man/woman" and the child is like "awww, mom!" *cue canned laughter*

 

[loolalooh]

I don't know if it's greediness or just a lack of knowing eligible men (I think a combo tbh), but there is very little "hey, I think I have someone who you may like" going on.

I wonder if AAs don't do this more because we don't look at marriage as a purposeful goal and just kind of take the mindset that it just happens randomly. Also (which I think is the bigger issue), if our communities don't promote a marriage mindset, the impetus to matchmake can't really develop.

Hmm ... now these are some things to think about.

 

[Makenzie]

I agree w/the earlier poster who said matchmaking by families/friends is most times viewed as lame. I really wish it weren't. I think other cultures who do this have the right idea. BUT balance needs to be brought in. If I don't like JoShmo don't get mad and tell me I don't really want to get married. Same if I decide to take a break from looking. I'd think it could get overwelming after awhile.

 

[cheetarah1980]

I would say that matchmaking isn't as prevelant in AA circles. I think it's because people don't necessarily have a mindset to set people up as well as people being averse to being set up. I have noticed that as I get older I have more male friends asking me for a hookup and offering to give me one. The only problem is that the eligible parties often don't live anywhere near one another.

 

[loolalooh]

You know, after posting this topic I did some thinking myself. I really don't what it is, but I'll initiate some matchmaking in my circle of friends. The good-hearted single men who are pals with my male friend have yet to meet my good-hearted single girlfriends.

They say "birds of a feather flock together". I would think those birds would have more likelihood for compatibility than say my female friend meeting someone online. I think matchmaking friends is a good idea so long as it doesn't overstep boundaries and go overboard.

Thanks for your responses, ladies!

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I've wondered this also!

IMO I think it may have to do with the lack of black men...or shall I say...the "perceived" lack of good elligible black men out here, so usually friends don't hook each other up as much. There's a spirit of competition or something going on. Every woman for hersefl!

Plus, I don't know about you ladies, but all of my AA friends all scoff when I ask them about how they feel about me (or someone else) hooking them up or just simply INTRODUCING them to a new guy I think they may like. THey always say: "But I want him to like me for ME...not because someone had to hook him/me up!"

I'm thinking: "Okay...that's so foolish!" Sometimes guys don't even know you exist! What's the big deal in inviting him to a party, and inviting your friend, and just simply introducing them or just letting them "meet" at a party?

I know one thing, the next time I get the nerve to "hook" a friend up, I'm not even going to tell her what I'm doing.

Honestly...I wish more of my friends would hook me up with some guys they thought were good for me. Mom....not so much. But my close friends who really know who I am and what I'm looking for in a man....why not??

 

[Makeittoday]

Interesting discussion.

 

[SincerelyJane]

I've tried. So many times. It never works out. Its usually the guys' fault. They do something, or don't do something, or lose interest. And the thing is, often its the guy who will initiate interest. Men are just weird. I've stopped trying to understand them!

 

[Maracujá]

I've tried. So many times. It never works out. Its usually the guys' fault. They do something, or don't do something, or lose interest. And the thing is, often its the guy who will initiate interest. Men are just weird. I've stopped trying to understand them!

Got the t-shirt

 

[ellebelle88]

I was just talking to some friends about this. I've noticed that white women/white people are definitely more open (and eager even!) to introducing two people who they think may make a good couple, or even just to "hook up." None of the Black women in my circle have ever been done that. I think its partly because the ones that are single feel like its a competition since there are so few eligible, successful Black men out there (who like Black women). They are thinking of themselves so I guess they don't really have time to be thinking of other Black women's struggles (even though they know we are out here struggling right with them).

 

[lux10023]

i do feel like we don't match make enough--but many Caribbean families still do to an extent

ummm i myself have matched up several very successful men to my single girls ( in the past) and all of the dudes ( 3 blk, one yt and one asian) showed their azzzz' even the two nerdy moffffos i thought were super doormat beta types--even they showed their azzzz..but i wasn't aware of that a-hole side of them since our friendship didn't reveal that given our interactions--and yup known these dudes for yrssss

I've since stopped introducing anyone to anyone because i don't want to be the source of some str8 up phuckery and knowing i was somewhat involved in a broken heart...

funny part is all of these dudes were like i want a good women etc etc
now i just mention that x man is single and expressed he is looking to settle down--proceed if you wish

 

[okange76]

Africans are notorious for this but it is all in good faith as annoying as it is. Marriage is a very big deal The only thing I like about this is that they do a very thorough background check. By the time you are meeting this person you pretty much know 70% of what him and his family are about. The rest is up to you to discover the remaining 30% and see if this is something you can work with.

On the flip side, the pressure to make it work can be off the chain to the point that some people marry just to get everyone off their back. Women can be victims especially if the man comes from wealth. "You'll learn to love him later. Get that money" Ugh!!!!

 

[TracyNicole]

I am not sure. I'm first gen American and I have matchmaker tendencies. I find that my AA girlfriends are resistant to set ups but my guy friends are not. I tried to set my best friend up for years and now that we are in our 30s she is finally receptive, but I'm fresh out of men! Two of the relationships my husband and I set up resulted in marriage. One was a first gen Nigerian young lady and the other is Caucasian.
I just don't think many of my AA female friends were marriage minded during the years I knew available guys. It seems there was roughly a 5 year lag time before they were ready for serious dating/marriage.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

I think there's multiple of factors here. First cultural. Someone pointed out upthread in other cultures, you're expected to be married by a certain age. Although this expectation may exist in certain pockets among AAs, it's not mainstream by any means.

Second, the gender gap. We all know the gender-education gap in the AA community so this should be a no brainer. Among circles of AA women who only want to date a BM there just may not be BM around on their same level.

I remember when I got out of HS my mom would set me up with any half-way decent looking BM my age she came across, and then she later expanded it to white Europeans and Hispanics. She tried it for the umpteenth time last year and of course it was the same result. I learned something important about myself so I wasn't mad, that time anyway. I don't like being set up because the people doing it have not a clue what I like and the times I've tried to explain I get shut down for being too practical.erplexed