Learning To Be More Assertive Thread

I use to. I still do on occasion. For me, its all in how I carry myself and my tone of voice. I'm petite, mild-mannered, have an innocent look and my regular speaking voice can be a bit girlish. I've learned that making direct eye contact, lowering my voice just a little and putting emphasis on certain words when I'm speaking will cause most people to back down.
 
mrselle said:
I use to. I still do on occasion. For me, its all in how I carry myself and my tone of voice. I'm petite, mild-mannered, have an innocent look and my regular speaking voice can be a bit girlish. I've learned that making direct eye contact, lowering my voice just a little and putting emphasis on certain words when I'm speaking will cause most people to back down.
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You discribed me! Lol
 
I think that at the root of being assertive is loving and trusting yourself, seeing yourself as an autonomous being with the right to have their needs meet, to feel safe, and to be loved. And to let go of always being nice and cooperative. To allow yourself the opportunity to be less agreeable, not disagreeable just because, but to be less agreeable, to believe you have the right to speak up for yourself and say no without long explanations or repetition. And to be able to tolerate the push back, expect push back, and to still stand your ground. And you have to be patient with yourself, kind and loving. You will slip up sometimes and that’s ok. But you have to keep at it, be determined to be an assertive person who looks out for themselves and takes good care of themselves.
 
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I need to read this everyday and remind myself.
hopeful said:
I think that at the root of being assertive is loving and trusting yourself, seeing yourself as an autonomous being with the right to have their needs meet, to feel safe, and to be loved. And to let go of always being nice and cooperative. To allow yourself the opportunity to be less agreeable, not disagreeable just because, but to be less agreeable, to believe you have the right to speak up for yourself and say no without long explanations or repetition. And to be able to tolerate the push back, expect push back, and to still stand your ground. And you have to be patient with yourself, kind and loving. You will slip up sometimes and that’s ok. But you have to keep at it, be determined to be an assertive person who looks out for themselves and takes good care of themselves.
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I have a family member who I have problem saying no to. It is quite sad how low my self esteem is. I did not realize until all this recent therapy.

I did not realize because I equated low self esteem in women to being men related. But I am realizing that is not always the case. I can say no to my husband but will bend over backwards for others.

This is an in law that used to be nasty to me in a covert way. She has issues and does not like women that much unless they add something to her life, whether it be to her image, improve her social circle or connections. Otherwise she is really stand-offish. This is something I have heard other women comment on about her before. So when she started liking me I was happy and overcompensated. I forgave her for her stank attitude before because she is over a decade younger than me and her mother is the same and that was Her example growing up.

It started with her wanting me to co-sign on her first mortgage. I stupidly said yes without realizing that I would end up buying the house with her. I thought that I was agreeing to be a guarantor. But when the papers came through I was actually buying the property with her without putting down any money but me being on the application gave her access to a bigger loan. By the time I realized what I had agreed to the property fell through. I escaped the agreement. Thank god.

There was a family emergency and she needed to fly to another country and her credit card was maxed out. I paid for her ticket and she never thought to offer to pay me back and I was too embarrassed to tell her it was not a gift.

Next her child died. She was too distraught to make funeral arrangements so she asked me to sort it out. I did. It cost me. She asssumed this too was a gift and thanked me profusely and I was too embarrassed again to say anything. Her man knew it was not a gift and basically avoided me. No thank you. Just avoided me.

Something else happened. It was a joyous occasion. I told her I would get a gift and ended up paying towards the celebration.

I blame myself. I take full responsibility. I have been working on this problem. So this person rang at 10pm asking me and DH to do something for her which entailed us driving for over an hour either then and there or first thing in the morning. She asked me first because she knows that I can get DH to do whatever I want. Even though he will tell me it’s not right. I told her no for the first time ever. I told her it was an inconvenience and she should be asking her man to do it.

Guess what? The world did not end. She did not cut me out if her life. She respected what I said. She did not curse me. She quietly accepted my no with no attitude whatsoever.


I told DH that I was sorry for calling him a mean bastid and forcing him to do stuff for others and that I need his help in being more balanced because part of my kindness has more to do with insecurities than it has to do with just being kind. It is to the point that it is affecting our personal comfort and finances.

This is one example that is more recent. I have paid for 3 family members to go to college and they pretend to go and take my money or they do go but take me fir granted and expect me to pay for grad school as if I have it like that.

I want to help family like nieces and nephews to better themselves as much as I can without being taken advantage of. To be able to help those who have drive and need it. We don’t have kids and I think it’s selfish for me to just focus on my own needs but at the same time I don’t want to be taken advantage of. So it is about being discerning and finding the right balance,
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I think the following video might be helpful to you. You are over functioning with others. You are under no obligation to do the things you are doing. And there is nothing selfish about primarily staying focused on yourself and your own wellbeing. You can be kind and helpful without over giving. You can be compassionate and still do nothing if you choose and allow other people to grow up and figure out their own problems.

 
@Ganjababy The problem seems that you need to set better boundaries with others. I really do think most, of not all, relationship issues happen because of that. I know I’ve said it countless times on this board but imma say it again: Read the book Boundaries by Dr Henry Cloud. @hopeful has a wonderful thread on it. Your heart is in the right place but what you’re doing is not loving or helpful. Not your fault because you didn’t know any better. I’ve been there many times myself until burnout landed me in therapy. Your friend and her husband need a big dose of reality, and lucky for them they’ve had you to shield them from it. It’s time to step back and let them deal with the consequences of their own actions. That’s the most loving thing you can do for them.
 
I'm in. I've been working on this for a while. I've been doing it with my family, and now I'm having to do it in my romantic life since it's been heating up as of late. :look:

I've had to stand up to my mom, a maternal narcissist and get in the habit of telling people what I need from them. It's difficult AF but it's working. I've never felt like I mattered and now I'm slowly getting over that as I'm asking people for what I need and they are doing it.
 
ScorpioBeauty09 said:
I'm in. I've been working on this for a while. I've been doing it with my family, and now I'm having to do it in my romantic life since it's been heating up as of late. :look:

I've had to stand up to my mom, a maternal narcissist and get in the habit of telling people what I need from them. It's difficult AF but it's working. I've never felt like I mattered and now I'm slowly getting over that as I'm asking people for what I need and they are doing it.
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This resonates with me! Thank you for sharing! I’m learning not to allow someone’s negative energy become mine.
 
@hopeful Speak the truth girl! The pushback is coming so be ready. Esp when a person is used to gettg their way with you, and esp when that person is a man

Its hard for women because we are wired to adjust ourselves to care for children, to meet their needs as infants. Theres no switch to flip on and off when it comes to adults.

A quote that resonates with me, i may have posted it in another thread: 'If u allow it u will let ppl train u away from your own guidance in order to please them'. DONT LET PEOPLE TRAIN YOU. Learn to recognize the signs that you are off your own course. The first sign i notice is always emotional. It feels wack, my spirit shrinks, the light goes dim. At that moment i know its time to be more assertive
 
biznesswmn said:
@hopeful Speak the truth girl! The pushback is coming so be ready. Esp when a person is used to gettg their way with you, and esp when that person is a man

Its hard for women because we are wired to adjust ourselves to care for children, to meet their needs as infants. Theres no switch to flip on and off when it comes to adults.

A quote that resonates with me, i may have posted it in another thread: 'If u allow it u will let ppl train u away from your own guidance in order to please them'. DONT LET PEOPLE TRAIN YOU. Learn to recognize the signs that you are off your own course. The first sign i notice is always emotional. It feels wack, my spirit shrinks, the light goes dim. At that moment i know its time to be more assertive
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Powerful! Church! Amen!!
 
hopeful said:
I think the following video might be helpful to you. You are over functioning with others. You are under no obligation to do the things you are doing. And there is nothing selfish about primarily staying focused on yourself and your own wellbeing. You can be kind and helpful without over giving. You can be compassionate and still do nothing if you choose and allow other people to grow up and figure out their own problems.

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I like him! I have watched some of his videos!
 
I failed miserably this week so far. I agreed without any thought to put up my oldest friends family who are in town for a funeral. 4 people.

But all was not lost. I told her that her family will have to ferry themselves to and from the funeral and cook for themselves. I don’t mind providing food and board but I will not spend the whole weekend cooking for people. I need my energy for my job. For me that is a step towards progress

I texted DH this info but I don’t think he read it. He has not blown his gasket as yet...
 
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Good luck @Ganjababy. I cannot even imagine putting up 4 people that I didn’t even know personally. Hopefully it goes well. They should be staying at a hotel. Keep at it though. Like you said, you told her that they were responsible for their cooking and transportation. I can’t even believe a friend would ask for such a favor. But maybe it’s a cultural thing? IDK. Keep us updated re your assertiveness progress over the coming weeks and months.
 
I don’t think it’s a cultural thing. I blame myself I think people just see me as a pushover.

I don’t feel too bad about this one. She has never asked me for anything. When I was a teen living in Jamaica and I was desperate to leave she paid for half my ticket and she was also young and did not have it like that. She did it by working over time at her job. I was really shocked. She was one of the first person to show me that I was someone of value.

Just dreading these people in my home but she told me one of them is her mother, who I have met.
 
I understand @Ganjababy. People like us feel like we owe people when they have been kind to us. But I’m sure that throughout the years you have paid her back over and over in many ways. And the thing is that we don’t owe people. We are almost overly grateful because we don’t see our value in the first place and see that we are simply deserving of help and support.

You still have the right to change your mind. You have the right to not want strangers in your home. Your friend should definitely be hosting her own mother. It is a very odd request that you host 4 people. Like you are a hotel or something. It’s too much to ask. And most people would be very uncomfortable with strangers staying overnight in their home.

It doesn’t matter if you have plenty room. It’s YOUR house. It doesn’t matter if they claim that they can’t afford to stay in a hotel because that is NOT your problem. That is THEIR problem/issue/concern to resolve. That is why the video I posted said that we have to grow ourselves up and must let those around us grow themselves up as well. It’s the only way to have some type of happiness, a shot at a fulfilling life.

And no matter how nicely you tell people no, you will get pushback. It is what it is. If you go through with this I hope that in the future your therapist can help you figure out situations like this in the future. Learning to say no, get out, I can’t do that, etc. are essential to being a healthy grown up with healthy boundaries. And again, you don’t have to over explain or feel badly. The more you practice saying no, the better you will get at it. And the better able you will be able to tolerate the push back and the uncomfortable feelings you experience inside of you.
 
I usually speak with my feet.

I was volunteering at an animal rescue and felt disrespected by a pompous do-gooder only seeking praise for herself.

I decided that I had no place being in a set up like that and left.

I did finish my shift and called in to resign.

This was a volunteer situation so it is a little different.
 
I’ve been disowned by saying no.
Thing is you have to be strong enough to know you’re better off.

A family member all but wrote me off because I asked her to hold some of my furniture for a year.

Six months in I broke my lease because I hated the smaller place I rented and so I needed my stuff back.

I changed my mind!

All hell broke loose but I got my stuff back and she will not talk to me.

For that? Yup...

I have a right to change my mind and it is NOT the end of the world.

It does hurt a little to receive such a harsh punishment but then I remind myself that I’m better off around people who understand that my wellbeing is valuable.
 
One last scenario:
I later learned a family member had to sleep in her car because she had planned to stay with me. Unbeknownst to me btw.

But, I did know she was coming so I didn’t take her calls because I didn’t want my place to be an option

It was only later that I learned she stayed in the car with her bf. BUT, bet she never put herself in that situation again. :abducted:

Some people make setting boundaries hard. But, who’s it gonna be hard on? Being a doormat is hard too.
 
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