You discribed me! LolI use to. I still do on occasion. For me, its all in how I carry myself and my tone of voice. I'm petite, mild-mannered, have an innocent look and my regular speaking voice can be a bit girlish. I've learned that making direct eye contact, lowering my voice just a little and putting emphasis on certain words when I'm speaking will cause most people to back down.
I think that at the root of being assertive is loving and trusting yourself, seeing yourself as an autonomous being with the right to have their needs meet, to feel safe, and to be loved. And to let go of always being nice and cooperative. To allow yourself the opportunity to be less agreeable, not disagreeable just because, but to be less agreeable, to believe you have the right to speak up for yourself and say no without long explanations or repetition. And to be able to tolerate the push back, expect push back, and to still stand your ground. And you have to be patient with yourself, kind and loving. You will slip up sometimes and that’s ok. But you have to keep at it, be determined to be an assertive person who looks out for themselves and takes good care of themselves.
I need to read this everyday and remind myself.
I have a family member who I have problem saying no to. It is quite sad how low my self esteem is. I did not realize until all this recent therapy.
I did not realize because I equated low self esteem in women to being men related. But I am realizing that is not always the case. I can say no to my husband but will bend over backwards for others.
This is an in law that used to be nasty to me in a covert way. She has issues and does not like women that much unless they add something to her life, whether it be to her image, improve her social circle or connections. Otherwise she is really stand-offish. This is something I have heard other women comment on about her before. So when she started liking me I was happy and overcompensated. I forgave her for her stank attitude before because she is over a decade younger than me and her mother is the same and that was Her example growing up.
It started with her wanting me to co-sign on her first mortgage. I stupidly said yes without realizing that I would end up buying the house with her. I thought that I was agreeing to be a guarantor. But when the papers came through I was actually buying the property with her without putting down any money but me being on the application gave her access to a bigger loan. By the time I realized what I had agreed to the property fell through. I escaped the agreement. Thank god.
There was a family emergency and she needed to fly to another country and her credit card was maxed out. I paid for her ticket and she never thought to offer to pay me back and I was too embarrassed to tell her it was not a gift.
Next her child died. She was too distraught to make funeral arrangements so she asked me to sort it out. I did. It cost me. She asssumed this too was a gift and thanked me profusely and I was too embarrassed again to say anything. Her man knew it was not a gift and basically avoided me. No thank you. Just avoided me.
Something else happened. It was a joyous occasion. I told her I would get a gift and ended up paying towards the celebration.
I blame myself. I take full responsibility. I have been working on this problem. So this person rang at 10pm asking me and DH to do something for her which entailed us driving for over an hour either then and there or first thing in the morning. She asked me first because she knows that I can get DH to do whatever I want. Even though he will tell me it’s not right. I told her no for the first time ever. I told her it was an inconvenience and she should be asking her man to do it.
Guess what? The world did not end. She did not cut me out if her life. She respected what I said. She did not curse me. She quietly accepted my no with no attitude whatsoever.
I told DH that I was sorry for calling him a mean bastid and forcing him to do stuff for others and that I need his help in being more balanced because part of my kindness has more to do with insecurities than it has to do with just being kind. It is to the point that it is affecting our personal comfort and finances.
This is one example that is more recent. I have paid for 3 family members to go to college and they pretend to go and take my money or they do go but take me fir granted and expect me to pay for grad school as if I have it like that.
I want to help family like nieces and nephews to better themselves as much as I can without being taken advantage of. To be able to help those who have drive and need it. We don’t have kids and I think it’s selfish for me to just focus on my own needs but at the same time I don’t want to be taken advantage of. So it is about being discerning and finding the right balance,
This resonates with me! Thank you for sharing! I’m learning not to allow someone’s negative energy become mine.I'm in. I've been working on this for a while. I've been doing it with my family, and now I'm having to do it in my romantic life since it's been heating up as of late.
I've had to stand up to my mom, a maternal narcissist and get in the habit of telling people what I need from them. It's difficult AF but it's working. I've never felt like I mattered and now I'm slowly getting over that as I'm asking people for what I need and they are doing it.
Powerful! Church! Amen!!@hopeful Speak the truth girl! The pushback is coming so be ready. Esp when a person is used to gettg their way with you, and esp when that person is a man
Its hard for women because we are wired to adjust ourselves to care for children, to meet their needs as infants. Theres no switch to flip on and off when it comes to adults.
A quote that resonates with me, i may have posted it in another thread: 'If u allow it u will let ppl train u away from your own guidance in order to please them'. DONT LET PEOPLE TRAIN YOU. Learn to recognize the signs that you are off your own course. The first sign i notice is always emotional. It feels wack, my spirit shrinks, the light goes dim. At that moment i know its time to be more assertive
I think the following video might be helpful to you. You are over functioning with others. You are under no obligation to do the things you are doing. And there is nothing selfish about primarily staying focused on yourself and your own wellbeing. You can be kind and helpful without over giving. You can be compassionate and still do nothing if you choose and allow other people to grow up and figure out their own problems.