LDR with no end-date?

[aribell]

Hi Ladies,

I could use some different perspectives. After a couple of years, a friend of mine and I have finally gotten on the same page with respect to wanting to pursue a relationship with one another. However, at present we are about 900 miles apart and we both have reservations about starting the relationship.

I'm willing to put in the work, and go back out east to visit often anyway, since that's where we both went to school and where I worked after I graduated--so I still have a lot of connections there and plan to move back when I graduate from grad school in about 2.5 years.

He's finishing up his last semester of a masters program there, but is looking at professional schools or Ph.D programs out east which would commit him to at least another 3 years there. For various reasons, it wouldn't make much sense for him to come here, especially since I don't even plan to stay here beyond school.

Anyway, we're both still trying to decide if we want to go ahead and try...but his hesitance is about the distance and mine is about the time. I can't imagine going into a relationship that I know for certain will be long distance for at least another 2.5 years...and depending on what he decides to do now, potentilly longer than that. His problem with it doesn't seem to be the time, but the fact that he's had bad experiences with LDRs before, lost good friendships, and so is hesitant about this one.

I don't want to lose the relationship, think it could be great, and I'm willing to do what it takes (I think--haven't been there before), but is this distance and time combination doomed from the start?

 

[♦K.O♦]

Unfortunately, I think he's right. 6 months or a year, I could understand. But to start off as a LDR and know that you wont be with one another for at least another 2.5 years is extreme.

 

[Divine Inspiration]

Not necessarily...

but please be brutally honest with yourself about your needs. I mean 2.5 is a looooooooooooong time...to be in a LDR. It's easy to get into those situations and they can get SO difficult over time. There has to be solid trust, endless communication, and a strong commitment on BOTH sides.

If I were in your situation, I would not move forward with him hesitating and having reservations...that's a recipe for something to pop off and then him to come back with "Well, I told you I had reservations before we started this...". If he really wants you, he will make the relationship happen without any prodding or convincing on your part.

If you really want to do it, give it time and let his interest build (or exceed) yours so that there are no doubts about his level of commitment. Being on the same page can be difficult in the same city but when the other person is in another city (and has options), it's an opening for trouble.

Good luck!

 

[BillsBackerz67]

Not necessarily...

but please be brutally honest with yourself about your needs. I mean 2.5 is a looooooooooooong time...to be in a LDR. It's easy to get into those situations and they can get SO difficult over time. There has to be solid trust, endless communication, and a strong commitment on BOTH sides.

If I were in your situation, I would not move forward with him hesitating and having reservations...that's a recipe for something to pop off and then him to come back with "Well, I told you I had reservations before we started this...". If he really wants you, he will make the relationship happen without any prodding or convincing on your part.

If you really want to do it, give it time and let his interest build (or exceed) yours so that there are no doubts about his level of commitment. Being on the same page can be difficult in the same city but when the other person is in another city (and has options), it's an opening for trouble.

Good luck!

I agree. I say stay in touch but keep the relationship open at the same time. and explore other options..at 2.5 years if you guys are still feeling eachother, then take the plunge. That way if it doesnt work out you wont feel like you wasted ur time. I find that women are able to commit to LDR's longer than men ever could.

 

[aribell]

Not necessarily...

but please be brutally honest with yourself about your needs. I mean 2.5 is a looooooooooooong time...to be in a LDR. It's easy to get into those situations and they can get SO difficult over time. There has to be solid trust, endless communication, and a strong commitment on BOTH sides.

The difficulty is what he expressed concern about, which I guess I can understand. He specifically asked me not to interpret his reservations in that regard as a lack of interest on his part, or as unwillingness. He kept saying that he was afraid that it would be unwise and that it would fail. Not sure what I think about that.

If I were in your situation, I would not move forward with him hesitating and having reservations...that's a recipe for something to pop off and then him to come back with "Well, I told you I had reservations before we started this...". If he really wants you, he will make the relationship happen without any prodding or convincing on your part.

Well, he was the one that brought it up, and I'm just as unsure as he is about whether and how it would work, but I do hear you, and I think that the point you make is key. That's why I haven't told him that I wanted to pursue anything further, since I feel like he is the one that would need to lead this thing. And if he were saying 100% "Let's do this," I'd be game. But without that I'm not really willing to go there. But he did ask me to think more about it, and he's doing the same.

If you really want to do it, give it time and let his interest build (or exceed) yours so that there are no doubts about his level of commitment. Being on the same page can be difficult in the same city but when the other person is in another city (and has options), it's an opening for trouble.

I really like the bolded. There's really no reason that we have to move things forward right now, and I have a feeling that time will probably be the test of whether this is real or not. We'll either get closer and his feelings will get to a point where desire overcomes fear, or it'll become clear that it's not going anywhere. (Just to add, I'm comfortable with where his interest is right now, just in case anyone was thinking that he should be kicked to the curb. We've known each other for a while, but I honestly don't think we're at the place where major committment-like decisions could be made or would be warranted).

Good luck!

~*Thanks!*~

 

[Divine Inspiration]

Wait and see.

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

I wouldn't do it at this time either. 2.5 years is a looooong time to spend apart while in a relationship.

 

[itismehmmkay]

If he's already hesistant about the distance factor from jump, I don't see him doing as much as it would take like you. I see this being a frustrating situation But this is coming froms oneone who hates LDR.

 

[aribell]

So...I feel kind of silly asking, but it's difficult to be objective in your own situation. I'm not sure what I should tell him. We're supposed to revisit the conversation later and I was considering saying something like, "Let's just stay friends until it becomes clearer that we definitely want to pursue this." IDK, it's probably not that complicated...but would there be something better to say?

 

[Divine Inspiration]

So...I feel kind of silly asking, but it's difficult to be objective in your own situation. I'm not sure what I should tell him. We're supposed to revisit the conversation later and I was considering saying something like, "Let's just stay friends until it becomes clearer that we definitely want to pursue this." IDK, it's probably not that complicated...but would there be something better to say?

I know what you mean...it can be awkward sometimes. I would let him bring it up and let him lead the conversation. That way, you don't have to make as much of a declaration...you can just respond to what he says.

Or you can say what you posted. I think that sounds good because you're not shutting him off. If he really wants the rlp, he'll take that as an opportunity to get things as clear as they need to be to convince you. If not, that's ok, and you can just see where things go.

 

[tinkat]

A LDR can work if your relationship is very strong with open communication. I am currently in one but we dated for 4 years before the LDR began. If you are both hesistant about starting off as a LDR then I say just wait a while and see what happens.