Lazy SO... Lack of initiative

[Britt]

Would it be a deal breaker if your SO was somewhat lazy w/ domestic duties? For instance, you fix his plate but he won't wash out his/your dish? Just little things like this. I'm going to be very general here b/c I know some of you are quick to tear a poster a new arsehole and I ain't having that .... but seriously, does laziness bother you? I don't mean in the area of working. I mean in more personal areas. I also mean lack of initiative, this really does bother me. Another example, you two shower together, you wash his hair w/your hair products and wash his back... ya'll come out the shower, this negro doesn't even offer to lotion you. You go to the store, bring back a few groceries, you have to ask him to help you put them away, otherwise, it wouldn't even dawn on him to help you.

My issue: I'm highly concerned about this b/c I can see this causing problems in a marriage by having the wife overworked while this negro lays on his arse, wanting food, to be rubbed, and taken care of, while not even thinking to give you hand.

This also boils down to the love test article that was posted here where it describes the different way a person shows their love. For me, DOING was major. Nothing makes me more satisfied than having a HELPFUL mate, someone I can rely on that will help me out w/ the smallest things. I don't need to be told "I love you" constantly, negro help me . For him, I think his language of love is more along the lines of being affectionate and verbalizing his love. He'll open up my car door and doors for me, but won't give me hand w/other little things.

I've told him that his lack of effort is bothering me and that he needs to take the initiative more and do things. I am not asking for a lot, I'm simply asking for reciprocity which I am not getting. I know that he loves me dearly (more than I love him ) but his lack of initiative w/ small things really is turning me off and disgusting me. I'm thisclose to blurting something not so nice out to him soon. I'm also starting to fall out of love w/ him , and the above is one of the main reasons. I would like him to be much more proactive and anticipate my basic needs. I just don't understand how someone can 'love you so much' but don't do the very basic things you ask or expect of them.

Insight is def welcomed

 

[Helpmeblongagain]

I would be bothered by it...I'd feel unappreciated...

I think u've spoiled him (as we so often do) n should give him a taste of his own medicine...


Its good you've voiced your concerns...hopefully, he's motivated 2 improve...

 

[BrickbyBrick]

A few things:

Have you talked to him about what you want? Some guys are thick like that. My SO included

If you have, and he STILL does this, do the pros of being with this person outweigh the cons? Cause this right here is something you might want to ponder.

 

[Britt]

I would be bothered by it...I'd feel unappreciated...

I think u've spoiled him (as we so often do) n should give him a taste of his own medicine...


Its good you've voiced your concerns...hopefully, he's motivated 2 improve...

This is the problem, admittedly, and I know this. I accept that I've done so, erringly and I tell him alllll the time that he's spoiled and as a result, I have this to deal w/on my hands. I do see small improvements, but deep down, I still dont' think he's even aware of what's wrong. It's not like he's consciously being this way. However, this basic unawareness is the problem.

A few things:

Have you talked to him about what you want? Some guys are thick like that. My SO included

If you have, and he STILL does this, do the pros of being with this person outweigh the cons? Cause this right here is something you might want to ponder.

Yes, I've talked to him... several times... actually, he just blurted out to me "I'm always doing something wrong" . That said to me that he prob feels I am picking on him and he's not doing anything right and that he's really unaware of the things he does. I'm just not trying to school a 30 yr old dude. I know he loves me, sees a future w/ me, etc...however, I'm starting to really not share that vision and I know it's over issues that can be talked about. Oh, but he's not much of talker either . He'll just listen to me, say he's sorry and that he'll try.

 

[Bunny77]

I agree that you should stop doing so much.

Men respond to actions, not words. Are you all living together, btw? If so, stop doing so many "wifey" things because he's taking them for granted.

Regardless of your living status... is he buying groceries? If you're the only one doing that, then stop. Or if you decide to buy some, place the bags right on the counter or in the middle of the floor and go watch TV.

You're a girlfriend, not a wife... so don't act like a wife.

 

[frizzy]

Choose your battles.

If doing what you do makes you happy, then continue doing those things for him. Reciprocity is a wonderful thing, but he is not you, and like you said, he doesn't even think about doing those kind of "cuddly" things.

Women are built more for the nurturing type of activities, just make sure he does all the errands and heavy lifting around the house.

 

[Britt]

He'll do heavy lifting and things like that w/o a problem.

@ Bunny, no we don't live together. I def agree men respond to action. But even when I tend to stop doing these things (and he notices ) he still doesn't up his ante in what he should be doing. I know this is b/c he doesn't see or recognize wth the problem is and that's my gripe. So it's almost as if while he tries to understand my complaints, he still doesn't really 'get it', b/c in his head, he loves me and isn't going anywhere he doesn't quite get why I'm not happy.

 

[frizzy]

Brittster, that's what it is, and that's basically what it's gonna be. Otherwise, you are trying to change him into someone else.

He has his own set of "talents" that he brings to the relationship, and you have yours.

The question is, can you live/stay with him the way he is now, forever?

 

[Britt]

Brittster, that's what it is, and that's basically what it's gonna be. Otherwise, you are trying to change him into someone else.

He has his own set of "talents" that he brings to the relationship, and you have yours.

The question is, can you live/stay with him the way he is now, forever?

This is what it is, to the bolded... that's the question I ask myself.

 

[Bunny77]

Brittster, how long do you stop doing the "extras?"

If you want to work at this -- and I think you do -- keep doing them. Or not doing them, actually. While I don't think he's playing games with you, if he eventually knows that you'll get things done, he'll just chill and wait.

Make a total 180 and CONTINUE to be like that over the long, long term (as long as you plan to keep trying) and see what happens.

 

[frizzy]

Good luck with your choice Brittster, only you can make it.

 

[Britt]

Brittster, how long do you stop doing the "extras?"

If you want to work at this -- and I think you do -- keep doing them. Or not doing them, actually. While I don't think he's playing games with you, if he eventually knows that you'll get things done, he'll just chill and wait.

Make a total 180 and CONTINUE to be like that over the long, long term (as long as you plan to keep trying) and see what happens.

Yeah, this is def not a game he's playing... I know this b/c he doesn't really see what the issue it. He's just being himself. Over the summer, I stopped doing these things for prob a few months... But I still feel like the damage is done in the fact that I've already spoiled him, he's use to it, and tells me all the time how much he appreciates the things I do for him. And honestly, I don't mind doing these things, my issue is wanting the same effort and thought I put into him/us in return. Meaning, if I cook food, offer you some, what's the big deal to take it upon yourself to wash up the dishes? There's a lot more, I'm just trying not to divulge too much more detail, but this is the crux of the issue, the lack of reciprocity and anticipation of my basic needs. I've discussed this issue w/ two other people for some insight, and they both agreed that he's a lucky guy and saw where my gripe comes from. I asked two people who I knew would tell me the real deal, not what they think I wanted to hear.
I really do kick myself for giving too much of myself too soon, but I can't turn back the hands of time now.

 

[MoniintheMiddle]

Could it be that he is reciprocating but not in the way you want/expect?
Men are like that at times. For example, my DH keeps my car full of gas and spotless...this means a lot to him...(although I could care less about it)...but I let him know how much I appreciate him doing it for me.

Also, Bunny really is right
My DH hates doing the dishes...well i hate cleaning up after a grown arse man (especially since I do most of the cooking) so one day I just stopped doing them. If I needed a plate, I would wash that one single plate and eat off it. He noticed (didn't have a choice when there were no clean dishes), and immediately began washing (this was days later). he said "i guess you got tired of me not helping with the dishes huh

Also...although you may like doing things for him, cut back some and stick to it, it's not too late

 

[Bunny77]

Could it be that he is reciprocating but not in the way you want/expect?
Men are like that at times. For example, my DH keeps my car full of gas and spotless...this means a lot to him...(although I could care less about it)...but I let him know how much I appreciate him doing it for me.

Also, Bunny really is right
My DH hates doing the dishes...well i hate cleaning up after a grown arse man (especially since I do most of the cooking) so one day I just stopped doing them. If I needed a plate, I would wash that one single plate and eat off it. He noticed (didn't have a choice when there were no clean dishes), and immediately began washing (this was days later). he said "i guess you got tired of me not helping with the dishes huh

Also...although you may like doing things for him, cut back some and stick to it, it's not too late

Yep, it's never too late!

Brittster, that's cool that you don't mind doing those things for him, but if there's no reciprocity, that ain't cool, ya know?

I like this example that Moni gave here. Give things like this a try, no matter how much you like doing for your man.

 

[Natasha009]

My fiancee is JUST like that, he hates to clean up / do anything. The thing is that he really doesn't do it to be "lazy" per se, it is just a part of who he is, he's not purposely trying to upset me. He'll do something if I tell him to with no problem, but never on his own. But that still doesn't stop resentment from growing.

At the same time does the pros of being with him outweigh that con? I like everything else about my fiancee, except that, and when I really thought about who he was as a person and how he actually does alot of other things for me, I realized it wasn't something worth breaking our relationship over.

Maybe you can start making rules and start with small things, if he really doesn't realize he is doing something wrong? This is what I've been doing and its been working thus far. For example, I said "Honey, I only want ONE thing from you. You HAVE to please put your dishes in the sink and at least rinse them. That's all I'm asking, it drives me crazy and would make me happy". When he did it on his own I would act super happy and excited and sweet, like "see, that wasn't so hard, and it really makes me happy!". Now he does it on his own. I had to remind him a few times but once he started doing it it b/cm part of his routine. Then I moved on up "Can u wash the dishes on these nights, can you put the top back on the soda, can u not throw your clothes on the floor" etc. They were such small things and one at a time over a spaced out period of time, that he didn't even realize I was re-programming him with a bunch of rules! He still hasn't caught on that I use the same speech every few weeks about something new

 

[naturalmanenyc]

If this is something that you cannot live with, start working with him now. Otherwise, know that you will be stuck with him just the way he is right now.

I was talking to a married, female friend about this very issue over the weekend.

Personally, I could not be with a man who did not help me around the house UNLESS I was a SAHW or SAHM and he was bringing in all the money to allow us to have the lifestyle we want. If I am working full-time, just like him, then he needs to help around the house and help with the kids. DH helps out a lot. Although people say I "trained him" that is not true. He has always been helpful around the house since his mom raised him (and his brothers) to fully take care of himself.

I called my friend about something on Sunday and she went off on a tangent about her husband & kids not helping her out around the house. It was Sunday around dinner time and she mentioned that her husband was complaining about being "tired" although he had done NOTHING all day while she had done 5 loads of laundry (had 2 more to go), cleaned the kitchen, 3 bathrooms, den, bedrooms, drove her oldest son to practice AND picked him up as well as cooking breakfast, lunch & dinner in addition to taking out the garbage and walking the dog twice that day. She had also mopped the ceramic floors (white tile) and wooden floors. She said that she kept the dirty mop water for her family to see how black it was since they think she is anal about wanting the house fully cleaned at least once each week. She then said that her husband did not understand why she wants a divorce.

I told her that I was not raised that way so I completely did not understand why she was cleaning the house on a Sunday when she has kids (about 8, 11 & 14 years old).

My friend had to get off the phone because she said they were looking at her like she was insane for being on the phone instead of "serving" their dinner. I could not even believe it since she works 50 - 60 hours a week.

I told her that she is Superwoman and that I am buying her an "S" to wear, to which she said "S" for sucker. She has been with her husband for about 15 years and I am pretty sure that she was serious about the divorce, although I did not press the issue or ask since I kind of felt like that "slipped out".

 

[Nyssa28]

Is he an only child?

 

[Natasha009]

Is he an only child?

That's a really good question! I know my fiancee is an only child, I'd be interested to see if maybe that has something to do with it. I never even thought about that.

 

[lux10023]

when a man is not doing the lil things that put a smile on my face i would communicate it to him in a nice way after that one time- i leave it be

lil thngs like this are deal breakers esp when youve communicated to him that you enjoy when he does xyz..

when i use to date i would make it crystal clear what things put a smile on my face ...and if dude didnt do them--it would obivously disgust me---diva there are too many dudes who are willing to do these lil things for you--dont settle for mr. dont have a clue

its all good its the winter time- let him keep you warm for a bit until summer comes around and on to the next one or put the deuces up stat---and KIM

 

[Arcadian]

Its time for you both to have "the talk" make sure he knows its serious and what you're finding to be deal breakers in your relationship.

I see a big disconnect which is unfortunate in any relationship, but have a talk and let him know where you stand. Don't yell or scream or even cry, men tend to shutdown with that type of stuff. Have a discussion where both of you constructively talk about your relationship expectations.

And of course, after the talk show you have some follow through.

No help in the kitchen after dinner even if you ask? Then don't make him a plate at the next meal.

Can't help to put groceries away? Maybe you should conveniently forget to cook him a few meals.

Do not take care of him if he can't take care of you.

And do not yell at him for not helping you, keep it cool, visibly show how upset you are, and when he asks for something of you, tell him no and why you said no.

You shouldn't have to harass him for his help. I only ask once My husband learned very quickly to heed that. And of course, when he does help, a kiss and a "thank you sweetheart" is in store.

A man thats into you will be willing to go that extra mile for you, especially if there's a little bit in it for him. A kiss and a thank you goes a long way even for small tasks... Think of it as man training. We all do it, though we don't always call it that

My husband can't wait to put lotion on my back, he's freaky and figure its a good way of trynna get some action

When we shower together I flirt with him which is probably why. (Do you and he flirt with each other? if not, its a good time to start.)

And girl, don't wash his hair, he got hands, let him do it himself!

-A

 

[frizzy]

Here's an idea. Spend more time at his house, on the couch with your feet up, waiting to be served.

 

[Britt]

Is he an only child?

Not really.... but, he does have an older brother who did not really grow up w/him like that. The older brother went on his way from my SO was young. So, in a way, he is an only child. I took that into consideration also.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Oh, poor guy... I can really relate because I am JUST LIKE Brittster's BF!!! My husband does pretty much ALL the cooking and cleaning. Well, I do the laundry. But he does pretty much everything else. To him, the dishes sitting in the sink is like a giant flashing beacon, he cannot relax until they are taken care of. For me they are like a grain of rice sitting under a boulder I just don't even notice that stuff.

If you know this guy loves you, even more than you love him, and he's otherwise a good guy, you could try to train him. Or you could just leave him alone and find somebody else. But at least you could try before you turn him loose.

 

[JustKiya]

I dealt with this issue with DH.

I finally came to accept the fact that a lot of times, he just doesn't 'see' the things that need to be done. I often flashback on me & my mom butting heads when I was younger, because she SWORE I couldn't 'see' dirt. I didn't understand her then, but by the heavens, I understand her now!

So, what I/we do is that - we ask.

I get groceries - 'Hey Babe, will you grab the food out the car and put it away?'
I cook dinner and we're done eating 'Will you clean up the dishes and put away the food?'
We shower together/right behind each other 'Love, will you do my back for me?'

And both of us do this to each other, because we've come to realize that a) we can't read each others minds or desires in the moments and b) we know there ain't no shame in asking. We ain't too proud to beg.

Over time, some of the stuff starts to become automatic - the person who didn't cook, cleans up. When I come home with groceries, I just leave the bags in the kitchen, and he 'gets' to unpack to see what I've purchased.

And, it reduces the levels of - repressed frustration - that we have, that almost always bleeds over into other areas of our relationship.

And I know, I know, sometimes you just want him to SEE that it needs to be done, and do it. But sometimes, he/you just plain can't see it, and need to be trained to see it.

 

[Eclass215]

I agree with JustKiya. I just watched some therapist the other day talk about how men are not mind readers and women need to stop thinking they are. If you want something done, you have to ask. And trust me, I know you'd rather him take the inititatve and 'just know' or want to do it on his own - but that's obviously not how his mind operates. This is who he is and I doubt at 30 he will change drastically. It doesn't mean he's not a bad guy though, but like someone else said, can you live with this forever? Is it really that big of a deal?

I know for me, my SO isn't the typical romantic - but he shows his love in so many other ways that I have accepted that he'll probably never send me flowers or put rose pedals on the bed or other typical things we think of when we consider someone romantic - but I'm ok with that because I wouldn't trade those things for the things I do get from him.

I think it's just a matter of deciding what's most important to you in a relationship and where this issue falls on the list. It doesn't seem like if you ask him, he won't do it - so maybe if you start asking enough you just might be pleasantly surprised one day when he does it on his own! You never know...

 

[Ms Red]

This would bother me to. It all boils down to how 'teachable' and 'trainable' the person is. If he is still unwilling-- that's a major issue. I agree w/ JustKiya as well.... this is a 2 way street though!