Ladies: Could you deal?

[*5+5]

Why or why not please. TIA!


Some Pros:
Nice
Gentleman
Respectable
Very Patient
Extremely mild mannered
Handsome (above avg. handsome)
Tall
Not the cheating kind
Comes from a good home
Well liked
B.S. in exercise physiology
Works as a Therapeutic Rec. Therapist
Awesome Chemistry and connection = can sit and do nothing and it feels great
Known him since we were kids
Awesome lover

Cons:
Not aggressive about work = the type that will get pushed along b/c he’s liked and nice
Passive
Doesn’t have a lot to talk about
Doesn’t converse about anything away from the day to day things
Seems to be influenced by his friends = somewhat of a follower
Comes off as the type that will be in the car with friends on the way to do a robbery and be afraid to ask to get out ETA: (not violent or a criminal but if in this situation)
People pleaser
Wants to be everybody’s friend
His mother is overprotective
One of your friends met him and opinion was that it doesn’t seem as though he has brain (never told her anything about him)
Never makes any decisions = just go with the flow of things (find out later he may not have wanted to)

 

[Weezy Jefferson]

No. There pros are great, but there are just too many cons and they are all pretty problematic. Particularly:


Cons:
-Doesn’t have a lot to talk about
-Doesn’t converse about anything away from the day to day things
-Seems to be influenced by his friends = somewhat of a follower
-Comes off as the type that will be in the car with friends on the way to do a robbery and be afraid to ask to get out
-Never makes any decisions = just go with of flow of things (find out later he may not have wanted to)

He doesn't sound like he'd make a good life partner. I'd be worried about the kind of life he could provide for any family we start. If there's nothing to talk about with him, all that's left is to have him contribute financially to the household (although if he's a pushover, he probably won't get very far in his career) and to have sex with him. Also, if he'll go against what he wants just to please others, I'd worry that he'd eventually be unhappy with his own life.

And the fact that he seems like he would commit a crime due to peer pressure is just scary.

 

[*5+5]

Great points Weezy! I was wondering the same thing, I wonder if he'll spend the rest of his life unhappy about a decision for the sake of someone else's happiness.

No. There pros are great, but there are just too many cons and they are all pretty problematic. Particularly:


Cons:
-Doesn’t have a lot to talk about
-Doesn’t converse about anything away from the day to day things
-Seems to be influenced by his friends = somewhat of a follower
-Comes off as the type that will be in the car with friends on the way to do a robbery and be afraid to ask to get out
-Never makes any decisions = just go with of flow of things (find out later he may not have wanted to)

He doesn't sound like he'd make a good life partner. I'd be worried about the kind of life he could provide for any family we start. If there's nothing to talk about with him, all that's left is to have him contribute financially to the household (although if he's a pushover, he probably won't get very fair in his career) and to have sex with him. Also, if he'll go against what he wants just to please others, I'd worry that he'd eventually be unhappy with his own life.

And the fact that he seems like he would commit a crime due to peer pressure is just scary.

@ the bolded...he's farrrrr from violent or a criminal I just thru that out there to show how passive I think he is. He doesn't have any violent friends he just seems like the type that would be too afraid to go against the wolfpack and speak up.

 

[lux10023]

sounds like a BETA dude...wouldnt work for me perse... so no i couldnt deal...

not categorizing dude as a bad apple...but err ummm...depending on what your ideal is for the man in your life will depend on the longevity of your union if there will be one...

i would have to throw him back in the bunch...i luv a bonafide leaderrrrrrrrr!!! in every sense of the word...

 

[TrueToHair]

How old is he? It seems like these two can really bite you in the arse (if not ruin your life) by a certain age:

People pleaser
Wants to be everybody’s friend
Seems to be influenced by his friends = somewhat of a follower

And I don't see how he could be the potential head of a household (if that's important to you) if these are still a problem:

Cons:
Not aggressive about work = the type that will get pushed along b/c he’s liked and nice
Passive
His mother is overprotective
Never makes any decisions = just go with of flow of things (find out later he may not have wanted to)

 

[Karmin]

Not at all. Especially if he is Extremely mild mannered. I hardly consider that a pro, I like an assertive, powerful personality.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

This dilemma sounds very much like the one I was in this time last year. My now ex-male roomie allegedly wanted to date me and I wasn't interested, much to my mom's dismay who really pushed me to date him. Part of it was we didn't have romantic chemistry, although I enjoyed the friendship. Another part were essentially ALL the cons you mentioned. IMO, even if I felt a romantic connection between us I didn't think it would last long because of them. For instance, my ex-roomie is Filipino and while he's dated interracially before, they never got serious because of his overprotective mother, who wants a Filipino DIL and grandchildren. He didn't see that if any IR relationship he had was to work, he'd have to stand up to her.

(Sidenote: My mom insinuated maybe that's what he was looking for and I'm like, that woman can't be me. Not to mention my father wouldn't put up with it either. My father gave his family the middle finger when they didn't approve of his marriage to my mother and he expects any man me or my sisters get involved with to do the same should it get to that point.)

Another issue was his career ambition or rather lack of it. When we lived together I was a senior in college but I ended up staying at my university another year for my MA. Once I finished all my classes I moved back home (only 30 min away) to go to law school and I missed my family. My roomie always told me how he hated his job (even though he was making good $$$) and wanted to go to law school. He always talked about it but never really did anything about it. I'm like what are you waiting for? If you want to go, go lol! I later realized he was talking about it mainly to keep up with me. Flattering, but I'm attracted to the natural drive in someone. I don't want a man trying to keep up with me I want him to already be there.

I could go on and on but I'll stop there as I've rambled enough. I guess you'll have to decide. For me it came down to how much I felt he understood me, vs. being in awe of me. I need someone I can talk to about my insecurities and get more than "Good luck with that" or other such response. Hope this helps. I don't know if you saw the alpha male vs. beta male thread but that's essentially what this dilemma is. If you're okay with having to take the lead then I'd say go for it. But if not, then no.

 

[snillohsss]

Unfortunately no. Like the other poster mentioned, he has some GREAT pro's. However, the cons do not seem condusive to a long term relationship (or marriage if this is your goal). Here is my breakdown on the cons that are non-negotiable...

Cons:
Not aggressive about work = the type that will get pushed along b/c he’s liked and nice

This tells me that he lacks ambition. With that lack of ambition, and the kind that just goes with the flow tells me he won't really advance to his full potential.

Passive

I don't like this trait at all. Mainly because I am a typical type A, dominant person. I would need someone who can handle that, and a passive person is not it. I wouldn't want to be the one in the relationship to "take charge". The passive trait probably isn't a deal breaker for some. I think it depends on your personality.

Doesn’t have a lot to talk about

I think most women who have any bit of common sense will need to be intellectually stimulated. If he can't hold a basic conversation, that is a deal breaker.

Doesn’t converse about anything away from the day to day things

see above.

Seems to be influenced by his friends = somewhat of a follower

This is a huge deal breaker. Men should lead. If his friends can influence him, a woman could take over. This is a deal breaker as I am not one who wants or prefers to wear the pants in the relationship.

Comes off as the type that will be in the car with friends on the way to do a robbery and be afraid to ask to get out ETA: (not violent or a criminal but if in this situation)

See above.

People pleaser

eh--this isn't that bad. Depends how far he went with this.

Wants to be everybody’s friend

see above.

His mother is overprotective

Lots of moms with passive boys are this way. I could shut this down properly and win the mom over if this was a man I wanted to be with. This one is your call OP. This isn't a deal breaker for me, but I definitely would want to be allies with the mother.

One of your friends met him and opinion was that it doesn’t seem as though he has brain (never told her anything about him)

Definitely not a deal breaker. I am not particularly influenced by my friends opinions. In other words, I don't fully trust chicks as a basic rule when it comes to men.

Never makes any decisions = just go with the flow of things (find out later he may not have wanted to)

This is a passive trait. Dealbreaker.

Basically OP, with all these quirks, I would find myself frustrated and resentful by his personality flaws. He could be cool to kick it with, but anything outside of that? I also don't think women should get into the habit of trying to change a man, so I would let this one go.

 

[diadall]

Cons:
Not aggressive about work = the type that will get pushed along b/c he’s liked and nice
Passive
Doesn’t have a lot to talk about
Doesn’t converse about anything away from the day to day things
Seems to be influenced by his friends = somewhat of a follower
Comes off as the type that will be in the car with friends on the way to do a robbery and be afraid to ask to get out ETA: (not violent or a criminal but if in this situation)
People pleaser
Wants to be everybody’s friend
His mother is overprotective
One of your friends met him and opinion was that it doesn’t seem as though he has brain (never told her anything about him)
Never makes any decisions = just go with the flow of things (find out later he may not have wanted to)[/QUOTE]

Being passive is a con? Why is how his mother feels about him (over protective or just protective) place a con against him? I would be overly protective if my son was being discussed on a blog by someone who is considering being involved with him.

Just my opinion.

 

[MzLady78]

Nope.

Knowing my personality and how I am, a number of those cons would cause a lot of problems in our relationship.

 

[Syrah]

So basically he's a good looking doormat? I'll pass.

Where do people come up with these "what ifs"?

 

[Etherealsmile]

nope, he doesn't posses enough masculine traits to appeal to me

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Absolutely not. You will fight to get him to open up, be pissed when he dont defend you, disgusted because your essentially going to have to do all the work, blown when mommy come first. You dont want those problems.

 

[Do_Si_Dos]

Definitely not. I would run all over him.

 

[diadall]

I don't mind being supported and helping to motivate my man, but he does need some ambition.

 

[princessnad]

No. Passive, people pleaser can never work for me. Pros are amazing but cons are too great.

 

[*5+5]

How old is he?

28.

Lots of moms with passive boys are this way. I could shut this down properly and win the mom over if this was a man I wanted to be with. This one is your call OP. This isn't a deal breaker for me, but I definitely would want to be allies with the mother.
Definitely not a deal breaker. I am not particularly influenced by my friends opinions. In other words, I don't fully trust chicks as a basic rule when it comes to men.
Basically OP, with all these quirks, I would find myself frustrated and resentful by his personality flaws.

Mom is no easy win , she is thorough as a mug...tried and true how would you go about winning her over? For some reason I have a lot of patience with him and I told him that as well. He's def. bringing out some traits in me that I didn't know exist.

 

[*5+5]

So basically he's a good looking doormat? I'll pass.

Where do people come up with these "what ifs"?

he's not a doormat, it doesn't seem as tho' I can run all over him he's really nice & sweet but in a refreshing way. Not the "grow some balls" type of way. My family luvs him, always have. He's like that dude you want to see after you've had a tough day...the guy that you will be in love with forever despite his shortcomings.

 

[chocolat79]

sounds like a BETA dude...wouldnt work for me perse... so no i couldnt deal...

not categorizing dude as a bad apple...but err ummm...depending on what your ideal is for the man in your life will depend on the longevity of your union if there will be one...

i would have to throw him back in the bunch...i luv a bonafide leaderrrrrrrrr!!! in every sense of the word...

This sums up everything I was thinking...

But if you can deal with it, then the pros sound good.

 

[MissMasala5]

he's not a doormat, it doesn't seem as tho' I can run all over him he's really nice & sweet but in a refreshing way. Not the "grow some balls" type of way. My family luvs him, always have. He's like that dude you want to see after you've had a tough day...the guy that you will be in love with forever despite his shortcomings.

That's really sweet. If he wasn't so closed intellectually and/or socially (your description sounds that way in the cons list) he'd sound like a potential keeper.

 

[glamazon386]

The fact that he's a follower would bother me. That would mean that I could walk all over him and that is a deal breaker.

 

[*5+5]

Another issue was his career ambition or rather lack of it. When we lived together I was a senior in college but I ended up staying at my university another year for my MA. Once I finished all my classes I moved back home (only 30 min away) to go to law school and I missed my family. My roomie always told me how he hated his job (even though he was making good $$$) and wanted to go to law school. He always talked about it but never really did anything about it. I'm like what are you waiting for? If you want to go, go lol! I later realized he was talking about it mainly to keep up with me. Flattering, but I'm attracted to the natural drive in someone. I don't want a man trying to keep up with me I want him to already be there.

I could go on and on but I'll stop there as I've rambled enough. I guess you'll have to decide. For me it came down to how much I felt he understood me, vs. being in awe of me. I need someone I can talk to about my insecurities and get more than "Good luck with that" or other such response. Hope this helps. I don't know if you saw the alpha male vs. beta male thread but that's essentially what this dilemma is. If you're okay with having to take the lead then I'd say go for it. But if not, then no.

1st bolded - He doesn't seem like the type of guy that would be competitive with me and that's great considering I'm a 100% hustler and professional monster when it comes to my business. Not that I would attempt to change him but I would hope that some of that would rub off on him and he ante up a bit. He seems modest about his job almost as tho’ he is content and happy just to have one. I often ask were does he see his future going and his goal is to work for a professional team. I believe this is very achievable for him but I don’t see it happening at the hands of his natural drive, like I mentioned before he’s the guy that people would recommend on the strength that he’s very easy going, likeable and wouldn’t ruffle feathers. His demeanor is quite impeccable for a guy so handsome and I think working people are quite fond of that trait. Also I think he may have the ideal personality for a black man in his particular industry, b/c of that I see him going up the ladder but at a snail pace if it’s up to him.

2nd bolded – This is what keeps him in the house. He’s really into me and I like that he’s so in awe and is always staring at me and showing that he’s interested. He treats me like a Goddess and he’s just sooooo sweet…always looking at me with the googly eyes and I’m always smiling and so happy when we hang out. It’s different now that I’m actually looking at him as a potential but he’s been consistent with the way he treats me for years. He’s never raised his voice, never gets an attitude, never once played any games.

 

[Britt]

Not at all. Especially if he is Extremely mild mannered. I hardly consider that a pro, I like an assertive, powerful personality.

This in a nutshell !!!!!!!!

 

[MD_Lady]

I the pros, but these

Cons:
Not aggressive about work = the type that will get pushed along b/c he’s liked and nice
Passive
Doesn’t have a lot to talk about
Doesn’t converse about anything away from the day to day things
Seems to be influenced by his friends = somewhat of a follower
Comes off as the type that will be in the car with friends on the way to do a robbery and be afraid to ask to get out ETA: (not violent or a criminal but if in this situation)
People pleaser
Wants to be everybody’s friend
His mother is overprotective
One of your friends met him and opinion was that it doesn’t seem as though he has brain (never told her anything about him)
Never makes any decisions = just go with the flow of things (find out later he may not have wanted to)

People need to respect their partner's relationship with his or her family and friends, but to me, the bolded sounds like a person who'd be content to let his mother and friends run his relationship. And not being aggressive about work is fine when it's just you, but when you're married and/or have children, your career decisions will impact others and you have to be willing to be your own advocate. Long story short- I could EASILY date this man, but things would get tense as the relationship progressed and I couldn't be (happily) married to him.

 

[*5+5]

Thanks for all the responses ladies! everyone agreed 100% that they couldn't deal that’s quite rare in my time on LHCF. U ladies pointed out a lot of things that I’ve been thinking about, but I would hate to walk away from this level of chemistry and connection just to have a more assertive guy (unless that level of connection was there)…we’ll see how this goes, for now I’ll stick around and enjoy the butterflies and monitor the way he handle things with a close eye.

 

[ladylibra_30]

Money + Great Lover + The Faithful Type + Good looking + Smart =
Hand me the damn deck cause I'm dealing!

 

[ambergirl]

It really depends on whether or not you want to spend a lifetime being in the driver's seat. Some women don't mind and if you can deal with that he might not be a bad choice.

Also he may be more passive/aggressive then passive and that's more problematic to me then the other things you mentioned because if that's so, it will come out in weird ways that can be very detrimental to the relationship

 

[*5+5]

It really depends on whether or not you want to spend a lifetime being in the driver's seat. Some women don't mind and if you can deal with that he might not be a bad choice.

Also he may be more passive/aggressive then passive and that's more problematic to me then the other things you mentioned because if that's so, it will come out in weird ways that can be very detrimental to the relationship

I'm not sure about that, esp considering my ex took care of every single thing. It was a turn-on but sometimes it was a bit exhausting. Considering the level of connection, high mutual attraction and that he treats me like a Queen that could be a possible trade-off if he continued to supply me with the resources needed to make the important decisions. He'll still have to step up and handle some things alone.

 

[ambergirl]

I'm not sure about that, esp considering my ex took care of every single thing. It was a turn-on but sometimes it was a bit exhausting. Considering the level of connection, high mutual attraction and that he treats me like a Queen that could be a possible trade-off if he continued to supply me with the resources needed to make the important decisions. He'll still have to step up and handle some things alone.

Honestly, I think a lot of women run their marriages as in they are the ones making sure things get done, house gets cleaned, bills get paid, that they spend quality times with their husbands or with their family.

If he is gainfully employed and can follow through on the things you need him to do he might not be a bad choice.

The thing to clarify however, is if he really is just a laid back, go with the flow guy OR is he really a passive/aggressive guy. Because if he's the later, your driving the relationship will just trigger underhanded resentment from him. One clue is if he relies on you to make decision and choices but then subtley complains about them or doesn't follow through with what he says he's going to do.

 

[chronicity]

It seems like you have strong feelings for him, and that means a lot, IMO. It would be one thing if the dude had cons and you only felt so-so for him. But I'm not getting that impression from your posts. Are you looking for a reason to not want him anymore?

I will say that if you're dating someone and their flaws constantly jump out at you, then that's a sign of incompatibility. But the relevant detail is how these flaws affect your feelings towards him. Do they make you less attracted to him? Or are you able to accept those flaws as "just him" and continue to enjoy his company?

It doesn't matter what we can deal with it. It also doesn't matter if his friend thinks he has a brain or not. What do you think you can deal with, given your emotional feelings for him?