Jealous Friends...but Only Off And On

[lana]

Hey ladies, just wanted a little feedback on this topic.

Regarding your women friends, both old and new, do you expect AND accept some jealousy in your close friendships or do you run at the first sign of a jealous bestie?

Has running worked out for you or not?
Has keeping them close worked out for you or not?

 

[Bette Davis Eyes]

I don't expect jealously at all from my close friends( very few close friends).

A close friend was unable to conceive and it caused a rift between us when I had my last pregnancy. The friendship hasn't been the same.

 

[Browndilocks]

The term "jealous bestie" is oxymoronic IMO. Jealous friends are really not your friends. I personally cut them out of my life. There is no benefit to having toxic people close to you.

 

[lesedi]

I know when I was depressed, I felt that towards my friends. It's not that I wished them any harm at all, but my mind was cloudy, I couldn't see where I was going in life and I envied their situations. They picked this up and supported me in getting better and reaching for my own dreams.

A twinge of jealousy every now and then is natural IMO, but if it is acted on, then that's a different issue. Usually, the jealousy has actually nothing to do with the envied person but more on the emotional state of the person who is jealous.

 

[FoxxyLocs]

I run at any sign of ugliness, pettiness, etc. I don't need people like that around me. It's worked very well for me so far.

 

[mrselle]

As others have said, I think it is not uncommon to feel jealous or envious every now and again. The problem comes in when it clouds one's judgment and has a negative impact on others. You'll know for yourself if you need to let the relationship go. Personally, I don't want anyone in my circle who can't be happy for my successes, but wait with baited breath for my failures.

 

[PeaceFlow]

A little envy or jealousy occasionally doesn't bother me as long as they own it. If they own it I probably wont know because they would see it as their issue and they would not try their damned hardest not to rain on my parade . I dont believe - especially over the course of a long time friendship - that people don't EVER feel like that.

Its how you deal with your emotions and insecurities that is the most important thing IMO. If they feel a little bad because something about me reminds them about something they are unhappy with, as long as they don't feel that's my fault and don't treat me badly. I'm alright with friends being human.

Any problems I've had with women are the ones that blame ME for "making" them feel bad. If I got that vibe from a friend I'd drop them - but no I wouldn't drop a friend automatically for feeling occasionally jealous.

 

[GetHappy2014]

Nope, I don’t tolerate it. Unfortunately, I have had short lived friendships because of it. I think it’s toxic. I also don’t feel it should be ‘trivialized’, either. I always want the best for the people in my circle,”my friends”. I am truly happy for all of their successes. My question to anyone who is admittedly jealous and open enough to answer, “What does your friends’ successes have to do with you? Unless they’ve sabotaged you.” I just don’t get it.

It’s bad enough I have to deal with jealousy from some family members.

 

[Sosoothing]

I neither expect nor accept jealousy from friends. I am a firm believer there are enough blessings to go around so I don't feel jealous of friends and would be surprised if one was jealous of me.
If, God forbid, I had to encounter it, it might be addressed if the friendship is worth trying to salvage.
But knowing myself, I would consider our season over, wish them well and cut them off.

 

[Lifeisbeautiful]

Jealousy is as cruel as the grave (Songs of Solomon 8:6). No jealous friends, everyone has monents of Jealousy, the human heart is incredibly wicked, but a trend of jealousy or if you spiritually discern jealousy though in the physical realm they appear lovely then CUT IT OFF!

 

[Mai Tai]

WTH is a jealous bestie?

Ummmm...no. I don't play that frenemy mess. Some people try to get close to you because they want to give themselves more reasons to hate you and I ain't got the time. I celebrate my friends even when they accomplish something that I too want to accomplish and yes, I expect the same thing in return.

My friends who've launched businesses, I'm right there patronizing them. My friends who got married before me, I'm the first one showing up for the bachelorette party. My work friends who got the job I too was interviewing for, I'm buying celebratory drinks.

 

[NaturalEnigma]

I think jealousy is a human emotion. As others have mentioned as long as you don’t act on it and don’t try to hurt or sabotage me it’s fine. Case in point I had a work friend who was jealous of me and she would always try to talk down to me in front of others especially men because she felt insecure. I told her about herself and she tried to act nicer, but the bad attitude and nasty habits kept coming up so I cut her off. She was miserable with her life (job relationship situation etc) and she was always asking about what was going on in my life, fishing for something to hate on.

On the other hand I have friends where I’ve told them great news and they looked less than excited for me, like you can see the pain and hurt in their face or they weren’t as excited as I’d expect them to be, but after the initial jealousy wore off they were fine and supportive.

Shoot sometimes someone tells me something wonderful happening in their lives and I have to fake being happy for them because secretly I wish I had what they had. Thankfully the feeling goes away as quickly as it arrives but I would hate for someone to cut me off for that reason alone.

 

[sgold04]

No I don’t expect it or accept it. I have great, long-lasting friendships with supportive, honest, caring women because of my intolerance for shenanigans. I’m closer to my friends than I am to my family.

 

[greight]

I know when I was depressed, I felt that towards my friends. It's not that I wished them any harm at all, but my mind was cloudy, I couldn't see where I was going in life and I envied their situations. They picked this up and supported me in getting better and reaching for my own dreams.

A twinge of jealousy every now and then is natural IMO, but if it is acted on, then that's a different issue. Usually, the jealousy has actually nothing to do with the envied person but more on the emotional state of the person who is jealous.

Yeah. I can understand it if my friend has had miscarriages and feels sad or jealous if I got pregnant quickly. It's human. The issue becomes if she wishes ill on me or rains on my parade.

Ppl aren't perfect. Examine on a case by case basis.

 

[LiftedUp]

I think jealously is a part of life. It would be unreasonable expect someone to have never experienced jealously, even a little, regardless of how close they are to me. What will matter to me though is the frequency of it and how they manage it. If they're prone to jealous streaks and outbursts then that's a no. If they're able to be happy for me despite their feelings, I'm willing to reciprocate.

 

[LiftedUp]

I think jealousy is a human emotion. As others have mentioned as long as you don’t act on it and don’t try to hurt or sabotage me it’s fine. Case in point I had a work friend who was jealous of me and she would always try to talk down to me in front of others especially men because she felt insecure. I told her about herself and she tried to act nicer, but the bad attitude and nasty habits kept coming up so I cut her off. She was miserable with her life (job relationship situation etc) and she was always asking about what was going on in my life, fishing for something to hate on.

On the other hand I have friends where I’ve told them great news and they looked less than excited for me, like you can see the pain and hurt in their face or they weren’t as excited as I’d expect them to be, but after the initial jealousy wore off they were fine and supportive.

Shoot sometimes someone tells me something wonderful happening in their lives and I have to fake being happy for them because secretly I wish I had what they had. Thankfully the feeling goes away as quickly as it arrives but I would hate for someone to cut me off for that reason alone.

Exactly. I remember when I found out I won a scholarship and my friend, who was struggling financially, didn't react the way I expected her to. After a couple of hours she called me back and expressed delight, but I get it. I won't fault her for it. Also, I remember when I was desperately looking for a new job and one of my friends kept moving from job to job from a better position to another. A tinge of me wished it was me, but I told myself that what is for me is for me and celebrated with her. We are all human beings at the end of the day.

 

[lana]

I really appreciate the naked honesty in this thread.

 

[lana]

I mostly see jealousy from friends in three areas:

Relationship status / family planning
Weight goals / body type
Professional life

It doesn't usually manifest into any actual cutthroat behavior. However, I can see it plainly and just wonder if it's worth it to wait it out and see if it passes. It's usually only with new possible friends, but not ever with lifelong diehards.

I do not feel jealous of other women that I'm friends with simply because I really like my life and wish others well.

 

[Mai Tai]

I think jealously is a part of life. It would be unreasonable expect someone to have never experienced jealously, even a little, regardless of how close they are to me. What will matter to me though is the frequency of it and how they manage it. If they're prone to jealous streaks and outbursts then that's a no. If they're able to be happy for me despite their feelings, I'm willing to reciprocate.

Exactly. I remember when I found out I won a scholarship and my friend, who was struggling financially, didn't react the way I expected her to. After a couple of hours she called me back and expressed delight, but I get it. I won't fault her for it. Also, I remember when I was desperately looking for a new job and one of my friends kept moving from job to job from a better position to another. A tinge of me wished it was me, but I told myself that what is for me is for me and celebrated with her. We are all human beings at the end of the day.

This is all very true. I think my issue isn't with jealousy but a person's reaction to it. We ALL get envious from time to time but if one lacks the ability to recognize the emotion and check themselves like your friend was able to beautifully do and instead chooses to act out negatively in light of it, I can't deal.

 

[awhyley]

I know when I was depressed, I felt that towards my friends. It's not that I wished them any harm at all, but my mind was cloudy, I couldn't see where I was going in life and I envied their situations. They picked this up and supported me in getting better and reaching for my own dreams.

These are the true/real friends right here. Very rare, you're very lucky. I often see jealousy and cattiness together, so I don't bother with those kind of people. To answer the question, I don't expect or accept it. Less stress.

 

[LivingDoll]

Hey ladies, just wanted a little feedback on this topic.

Regarding your women friends, both old and new, do you expect AND accept some jealousy in your close friendships or do you run at the first sign of a jealous bestie?

Has running worked out for you or not?
Has keeping them close worked out for you or not?

Do you mean envy or competition? Because I think they seem the same but they're different. Like many have said, it's normal to look at another's circumstances and wish it were you. It doesn't mean you're not genuinely happy for them. This is normal in healthy relationships IMO.

It's situations where "friends" try to compete with you as a result of their envy that should make folks run at the first sign.

I remember I had a "friend" and every time I got something she would downplay it to me, then turn around and try to get something similar or better. This went on for years with everything...clothes, cars, bags, hairstyles, jobs...it wasn't until my sister brought it to my attention that it really started to bother me. I ended the friendship in 2003 and haven't looked back.

 

[FemmeFatale]

Nope can’t do it. I’ve had horrible experiences where so called friends went straight up single white (or black in this case) female on me. Once I was able to access what was going on, I ended those relationships and never looked back.

 

[lana]

@LivingDoll - I was definitely thinking of envy and jealousy. That was a great question.

Do you mean envy or competition? Because I think they seem the same but they're different. Like many have said, it's normal to look at another's circumstances and wish it were you. It doesn't mean you're not genuinely happy for them. This is normal in healthy relationships IMO.

It's situations where "friends" try to compete with you as a result of their envy that should make folks run at the first sign.

I remember I had a "friend" and every time I got something she would downplay it to me, then turn around and try to get something similar or better. This went on for years with everything...clothes, cars, bags, hairstyles, jobs...it wasn't until my sister brought it to my attention that it really started to bother me. I ended the friendship in 2003 and haven't looked back.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I'm sorry OP, but I couldn't willingly be friends with people who I know for a fact are low-key jealous or (worse) envious of me. It's a horrible feeling.

I feel like this would be a recipe for disaster, and I think I would constantly be wondering whether or not they deep down dislike me, or whether I need to "tone down" whatever it is that I have/am/etc. just to appease their insecurities. I'm sorry, but I'm not about hiding my light in order to make you feel "comfortable".

I've had friendships with girls/women who turned out to be frienemies (I actually suspect I'm going through a "secretly jealous" situation right now in fact) and the friendship was never the same after that....even after they tried to be nice to me and reclaim my friendship. I just couldn't.

 

[itsallaboutattitude]

I've only known one person to be jealous of me. Another person in our circle pointed it out. I thought we were close. However:

She didn't like people to be friends with her friends, so she would sabotage those relationships.

She felt that I got attention from men because I was light skin. She said this out loud in front of a male friend who repeated it to me.

When a mutual friend tried to connect me with a guy, she intentionally got in the mix. After that, I started to notice that she would dance with every single guy in our circle when we went out. She would still get angry when random men (men she probably wouldn't even give a second glance to) would approach.

She even once reach out to ask permission to date a college lover (I was a bit of a undercover player in college and my crew knew it/all my dirt). I told her no, but suspect she/he had hooked up at a party cause she always talked about how much he and I didn't "fit". He was buff frat boy and I was a plus sized nobody. She used to flirt with him shamelessly cause she was in the sister sorority and then be peeved when she found out he was in my dorm room later that night. It didn't matter to her that 1. I met him first and 2. I had a full school year training him before she even knew he existed.

It was an overall toxic friendship. Time and distance allowed me to nix that friendship. I ignore all birthday, holiday calls/texts/emails. When she comes to town, everyone knows I won't be coming around. Prior to that I stopped traveling back home at the same time she did and stopped doing the carnival circuit we used to do together.

She had halitosis we tried to tell her about. Offer her gum, told her about brushing her tongue.

She was an angry drunk and got drunk practically every social event.

Her philosophy was that she was never wrong about anything and felt no need to apologize ever.