Isn't this considered cheating?

[Latomian]

I've been broken up with my ex-bf for a couple of months now but every once in a while he calls and wants to talk about what went wrong in our relationship.

We were together for four years but I found out, for a good part of our relationship, he would constantly flirt with other women. Whether it be in person, myspace, facebook, whatever. That morning, his phone went off at 5am and on the screen, it was a message that said, "I miss you too," from a woman who he used to mess with before we got together.

He also wrote a childhood friend that he "always thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world," but then told me that it's not possible that a man think his woman is the most beautiful in the world, which is why he never told me I was beautiful.

Yet, he wrote to different women they were beautiful or had nice bodies (many who were bigger than me) all the while he was trying to get me to join Weight Watchers right after my ovarian surgery to get the weight off asap.

After all of this came out, on his computer I found pictures of half-naked women and he claims that they just sent him the pics, he didn't ask them to.

He told another ex that when she got in town to hit him up so they could pick up where they left off and then claimed that he wasn't serious.

One girl told him that his relationship with me wasn't going to last and he just responded that he "wasn't sure."

It was like a domino effect; once one came out, they all came pouring out and because he never slept with any other them or kissed them or whatever, he doesn't see any wrongdoing in that.

So now, he calls me quite frequently to figure out what went wrong and what's wrong with what he said to those women (to name a few) since he never messed with them. So, isn't this considered cheating?

I personally think it is and I just figured most women thought this way too. I'm thinking of just sending him this thread so that he can stop telling me that I'm being irrational and am "throwing away" a good man!!!!

Sry...the pain is still fresh...four years!!! Ugh, and my family sided with him

Also, leaving those opportunities open is what I think made it so easy for him to finally cheat...and refuse to tell me until weeks later and 20 mins of silence and crying.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

I think your whole damn family is crazy if that's how they feel.

Cheating is anything you cannot happily do concerning other people that you can openly do or admit to in front of your spouse. He did cheat.

Just focus on healing yourself, because he sounds like he settled for you, and it was made clear in his actions. Just because he settled for you, doesn't mean you must settle for him!

Make sure the next man you are with thinks you're among the most beautiful women in the world, inside and out. And if he doesn't, have the confidence in yourself to say you deserve better and leave him!

 

[SqrpioQutie]

i don't consider flirting, cheating... but i also don't consider what he did as just flirting.... he went well beyond that with his actions...

if i were you, i'd stop answering his calls...

 

[NYAmicas]

There's nothing good about him. Frankly, you deserve much much better. If he really cared for you there would be no other women, it sounds like he's just full of excuses. All of that sounds far from some harmless flirting, he must be crazy to think that would fly in a monogamous relationship.

 

[Extremus]

@ throwing away a good man.

I'm not laughing at you, but he can't be serious.

 

[awhyley]

. . . but then told me that it's not possible that a man think his woman is the most beautiful in the world, which is why he never told me I was beautiful

Yet, he wrote to different women they were beautiful or had nice bodies (many who were bigger than me) all the while he was trying to get me to join Weight Watchers right after my ovarian surgery to get the weight off asap

This is the part right here that had me fuming. This fool was emotionally abusive to you, trying to make you think that you couldn't do any better, so that you would put up with his nonsense. Does the 'cheating' even matter? Either way, he was constantly disrespecting you and you don't deserve that kind of treatment, regardless of what your family says. Do they know the whole story?

I'm thinking of just sending him this thread so that he can stop telling me that I'm being irrational and am "throwing away" a good man!!!!

Don't send him a thing. STOP ALL CONTACT. The more you talk to him, he will try and whittle at your resolve. You're not being irrational; he's just an @sshat. Keep reminding yourself that you deserve better.

 

[chocolatethai]

I've been broken up with my ex-bf for a couple of months now but every once in a while he calls and wants to talk about what went wrong in our relationship.

We were together for four years but I found out, for a good part of our relationship, he would constantly flirt with other women. Whether it be in person, myspace, facebook, whatever. That morning, his phone went off at 5am and on the screen, it was a message that said, "I miss you too," from a woman who he used to mess with before we got together.

He also wrote a childhood friend that he "always thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world," but then told me that it's not possible that a man think his woman is the most beautiful in the world, which is why he never told me I was beautiful.

Yet, he wrote to different women they were beautiful or had nice bodies (many who were bigger than me) all the while he was trying to get me to join Weight Watchers right after my ovarian surgery to get the weight off asap.

After all of this came out, on his computer I found pictures of half-naked women and he claims that they just sent him the pics, he didn't ask them to.

He told another ex that when she got in town to hit him up so they could pick up where they left off and then claimed that he wasn't serious.

One girl told him that his relationship with me wasn't going to last and he just responded that he "wasn't sure."

It was like a domino effect; once one came out, they all came pouring out and because he never slept with any other them or kissed them or whatever, he doesn't see any wrongdoing in that.

So now, he calls me quite frequently to figure out what went wrong and what's wrong with what he said to those women (to name a few) since he never messed with them. So, isn't this considered cheating?

I personally think it is and I just figured most women thought this way too. I'm thinking of just sending him this thread so that he can stop telling me that I'm being irrational and am "throwing away" a good man!!!!

Sry...the pain is still fresh...four years!!! Ugh, and my family sided with him

Also, leaving those opportunities open is what I think made it so easy for him to finally cheat...and refuse to tell me until weeks later and 20 mins of silence and crying.

are you serious??? your man is sopposed to think you are the most beatiful thing on this planet and for him to say something like that to you just lets you know how he really thinks!

 

[NikStarrr]

If your SO is giving other women something he isn't giving you (compliments, attention, his time, money, etc.)--you are being cheatED.

 

[Ladybelle]

imho - cheating is any action toward the person of another sex that could indicate an interest in them, anything he wouldn't want you doing or would not willingly do in front of you without pause.

I've learned, in relationships we choose what we want to deal with. What you deal with is up to you and often based on your own value system. How much you love yourself will determine how much drama you put up with. It looks like you LOVE you which is why he is now your "ex" bf. I'm sure it's hard, but a better man will come along and you will look back on your ex and be thankful you didn't stay. The pain takes time - 4 years is a long time to invest in a relationship, but better it end now than 4 years from now as it could only get worse. If he was truly regretful about his actions, that would be different. You both could work it out and keep it moving- but it doesn't sound like he's sorry- it sounds like he is arrogant and selfish. Even if he didn't think he was wrong, if you feel like he wronged you, he should do what it takes to make things right.

Oh & one more thing- sometimes you have to listen to family with one ear and let it go out of the other. Loving yourself requires that on occassion, nobody agrees with you but you & that's because nobody is gonna love you like two people: 1) God & 2) You.

Sorry to ramble-I hope things work out for your best interest.

 

[scorpio70]

i don't consider flirting, cheating... but i also don't consider what he did as just flirting.... he went well beyond that with his actions...

if i were you, i'd stop answering his calls...

Co-sign! I was reading through the OP thinking 'this is waaaay past flirting' He's making a play for those other women...and yeah - that's terribly inappropriate!

Edited to add: and what's up with the fam for not having your back on this? They think you deserve this kind of treatment. I'm concerned that if you keep hanging around them, then you will think you deserve it too.

...and stop trying to prove to him that you are right in this situation. You know it and deep down he knows it. You have to be fine with never hearing him admit it though.

 

[sky_blu]

If this is all to the story something is wrong with him and your family for even siding with him. Internet cheating is still cheating. He shouldnt even send those type of msgs if hes in a committed relationship.

 

[Latomian]

I have had a few probs with my family. They just believe that I won't do any better since he makes money and is on tv (from time to time), etc.

 

[Latomian]

i don't consider flirting, cheating... but i also don't consider what he did as just flirting.... he went well beyond that with his actions...

if i were you, i'd stop answering his calls...

So, what's considered flirting?

 

[calmsensual1]

dang is his name duma? i swear i dated someone just like that...

anyway yeah get away ASAP. He'll never ever change.

 

[Denise11]

Everything I wanted to say has already been said by all the other ladies.

Also, I think he's possibly slept with some of those women but you just haven't found out yet. Way too much is going on here for him not to have slept with none of them. Get rid of him and stop taking his calls.

 

[Denise11]

And as for your family takinkg his side-that's crazy!

But you know, some people think having a no good, dog of a man, is better than being alone. And that's so sad!

 

[SqrpioQutie]

So, what's considered flirting?

IMO, flirting is more like a wink, a gaze, a smile, going out of your way to greet someone who doesn't require a greeting, small talk with the playful undertones... that, to me, is flirting...

 

[loved]

Cease contact. It will be hard but once you get through it, you will feel like a weight has been lifted.

I watched a dear friend really lose her mind and her dreams after years of passive aggressive emotional abuse from her on-again/off-again SO.

 

[hopeful]

Well you don't know if he actually physically cheated or not. His actions say that he probably did. He is certainly cheating on you emotionally which from what I've read can be even more devastating to some women. His behavior is very inappropriate. The thought of him not telling you that you are beautiful and telling someone else they are, right there is enough for me, for me that would put a fork in it all, I would be so done. And someone talking about "I miss you too", my goodness how much are you supposed to put up with? How dare he not apologize and say he will stop that mess! He wants you to explain what the problem is? He has a whole lot of nerve.

 

[msa]

Like someone else said...stop all contact. Don't answer his phone calls, texts, emails, facebook messages, etc. etc. If you have to block him, then do it.

He is playing with you and will continue to as long as you allow him. Don't allow him to break you down. You broke up with him because the relationship is broken. Don't second guess yourself.

 

[plastic]

I

He also wrote a childhood friend that he "always thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world," but then told me that it's not possible that a man think his woman is the most beautiful in the world, which is why he never told me I was beautiful.

right there should have told u that he is a Johnny and you should not waste your time with him

 

[growth2come]

Do not put up with that BS for another second....Given the chance this man would have had his pants down with any of these women....and if he even has the nerve to be saying that you are not the most beautiful think that ever walked...then why stay any longer? THIS IS THE KIND OF MAN THAT WILL ERODE YOUR SELF-ESTEEM just so he can justify his cheating behaviour...get out while you can!

 

[suburbanbushbabe]

but then told me that it's not possible that a man think his woman is the most beautiful in the world, which is why he never told me I was beautiful.

He's cruel. That's reason enough--who cares if it's cheating or not? Why are you still talking to this a$$hole? Even worse, why are you blaming yourself for his sorry behavior?

 

[SelahOco]

OP, he was clearly trying to hurt you by saying those things. If you'd done any of that to him I'm sure he would not be "wondering" what was so wrong with it. He knows what's wrong with it, he's just trying to play on your "understanding" nature.

You seem like a sweet woman, but you have to be sweet to YOU first. If he doesn't feel good to and for you -- let him go about his way. He knows how to be charming and sweet and kind. He chose not to be those things to you 100% of the time. Most likely because he thinks he can get away with it.

I know if feels good that he "cares" about what went wrong. But the best way to attract love to yourself is to love yourself. Don't let ANY person do to you what you wouldn't want done to a loved one or your own child (whenever you have one).

Sorry to ramble, but I've been here...and with a dude JUST like this. He's not sorry...he's full of ish, baby girl. Trust your own heart. You deserve so much better....and you'll have it if you demand it with a honest and humble heart.

 

[SoforReal]

I definitely consider this cheating. Every guy has their own definition of cheating. For example some guys think when a woman goes down on them it's not cheating because they never had sex. I think more went on behind the scenes than he is telling you. For a woman to say let's pick up where we left off tells me they either already did the foreplay or had sex.

Regardless he should not be flirting with other females. Even though he may take them as a joke - the female sees this completely different. She may take this as a sign that he is really feeling her or that he wants her sexually(or that he doesn't have respect for his current relationship). Once he does anything sexually with her he has already established an emotional relationship(in the females mind) whether he wants to or not.

 

[Prose Princess]

He sounds like a straight up douche bag. I would tell him that next time he asks you what went wrong, then don't ever talk to him again.

But if you're going to show him this thread, I want to explain why. Men like that are no different from hormonal teenage boys, save their stature. They think with their genitals, and are completely oblivious to what is really important...i.e., you. Their constant lust leads them dehumanize women, and their personal insecurities and fear of being alone lead them to lie about it to the women they claim to love but are really just "tacking onto", and like another poster said, he would have had his pants down with these women in a minute if he had the chance.

Don't misunderstand me though, I understand that some men have incredible sex drives, and sometimes even the best of us cannot keep up with it. In that scenario, porn and masturbating are completely fine. But when you start getting half naked pictures from women you actually know, talkin 'bout you miss them, that's when I wait til the stormclouds loom overhead and throw your sh!t in the front yard

Then on TOP of that he had the nerve to call some random chick the most beautiful woman on earth and turn around and tell you that you need to join Weight Watchers after you done had surgery?! Hell naw. He's a shallow idiot, and the fact that he seriously doesn't know what he did wrong only adds to the douche baggery. He ain't no good. And don't let your family tell you otherwise.

 

[snugglez41685]

I don't consider it cheating it is worst than that. What he did was disrespectful and inconsiderate. I wouldn't speak to him or even entertain him with answers to his "what went wrong with us" questions. He has got to be joking asking you that!

 

[aja1121]

Sorry, you are going through this OP. I went through something very similar with my SO (together 3 years). I'm not sure if I would call this cheating, unless he actively sought out new women to be more than friends with, but I differently categorize this as e-flirting (yes, I made that up). Technology has made people more bold because there is no face-to-face interaction. I'm sure he wouldn't say these things in person or during an actual phone conversation to these chicks. He's an attention whore!!!

Now what it boils down to is blatant disrespect which means he was too comfortable in your relationship (just knew you weren't going anywhere) or just wanted to take a break, but was a afraid of loosing you for good.

My advice: take a break!

I stayed with my SO and remained scorned and eventually put my guard up so high he accused me of cheating with Tom, Dick, and Harry. He went through my phone and turned innocent conversations with male friends into cheating. All of a sudden visits to go see female friends turned into romantic getaways with male friends. PLEASE! It got really bad and it still is pretty bad and plus we lived/live together. This past week I moved my things back to mom's (2hrs. away) and took a couple days off from work. He was shocked, he said he wasn't serious when he told me to get out Oh well!

So, I know what it's like from both sides. Just put your foot down in the next relationship. Remember dating should be like an interview process, make sure your candidates are qualified. And if you do break-up, before you start dating again, please allow yourself some healing time.

 

[Latomian]

Sorry, you are going through this OP. I went through something very similar with my SO (together 3 years). I'm not sure if I would call this cheating, unless he actively sought out new women to be more than friends with, but I differently categorize this as e-flirting (yes, I made that up). Technology has made people more bold because there is no face-to-face interaction. I'm sure he wouldn't say these things in person or during an actual phone conversation to these chicks. He's an attention whore!!!

Now what it boils down to is blatant disrespect which means he was too comfortable in your relationship (just knew you weren't going anywhere) or just wanted to take a break, but was a afraid of loosing you for good.

My advice: take a break!

I stayed with my SO and remained scorned and eventually put my guard up so high he accused me of cheating with Tom, Dick, and Harry. He went through my phone and turned innocent conversations with male friends into cheating. All of a sudden visits to go see female friends turned into romantic getaways with male friends. PLEASE! It got really bad and it still is pretty bad and plus we lived/live together. This past week I moved my things back to mom's (2hrs. away) and took a couple days off from work. He was shocked, he said he wasn't serious when he told me to get out Oh well!

So, I know what it's like from both sides. Just put your foot down in the next relationship. Remember dating should be like an interview process, make sure your candidates are qualified. And if you do break-up, before you start dating again, please allow yourself some healing time.

Wow, I'm sorry that you are going through this as well. I have to admit, though, I think I put up with his crap because I believed most of it. It's that self-esteem thing. The things he was saying to me were things I heard my whole life so just kinda believed them. I just moved too but I don't have any friends...anyone... so it's extra hard on me and sometimes I entertain his calls just because the loneliness is so extreme. Plus I have ZERO social skills (I made no friends in 4yrs of college, lol). I mean, honestly I would like to put my foot down in the next relationship but I just don't feel like ever being in one again. How do you even begin the healing process???

 

[Extremus]

Wow, I'm sorry that you are going through this as well. I have to admit, though, I think I put up with his crap because I believed most of it. It's that self-esteem thing. The things he was saying to me were things I heard my whole life so just kinda believed them. I just moved too but I don't have any friends...anyone... so it's extra hard on me and sometimes I entertain his calls just because the loneliness is so extreme. Plus I have ZERO social skills (I made no friends in 4yrs of college, lol). I mean, honestly I would like to put my foot down in the next relationship but I just don't feel like ever being in one again. How do you even begin the healing process???

Time heals all wounds, girl. Give it time.

Stay away from him. Entertaining his calls, hanging out with him, etc will only prolong the healing process. Find a hobby. Go to the gym more often, rent movies for yourself to watch, take a dance class, do something. Do what you have to do to take your mind off things, but whatever you do, STAY AWAY FROM HIM!

I wish you the best