Is this considered abuse?
- Thread starter CurlsOnFire23
- Start date
knt1229
Well-Known Member
To me, that sounds serious. Not playful at all. There is no telling what type of physical altercations go down when they are alone. I think you are right to be concerned for her. If I were you I would bring it up. But, most women in abusive relationships don't open up and talk about it. She will deny it and may get mad at you for saying anything to her about it.
With that said, if you approach her about what happened choose your words carefully and try not to appear judgemental. And whatever you do don't say anything negative about the hubby/boyfriend. It will only make her defensive.
CurlsOnFire23
New Member
I told her that I spoke with security forces and she told me that it wasn't necessary. She didn't seem upset but she said I don't have to worry about anything. I let my husband know and he went over and spoke to her man while she spoke with me. He later came over and apologized to me in front of his wife AND my husband. My husband told me that if I see or hear anything like that again, that I should come to him immediately and let him know.
CurlsOnFire23
New Member
Thank you all for your advise. I've never seen something like this in person...
ChasingBliss
Well-Known Member
Wow, I remember my mother telling me when I was younger, to never ever play fight with your man. EVER. A playful tap, turns into a semi playful shove, to a semi playful head lock to a full on knockout.
Never let a man feel comfortable with so called playfully roughing you up.
I feel so sad for your friend.
Never let a man feel comfortable with so called playfully roughing you up.
I feel so sad for your friend.
Naveah2050
Well-Known Member
CurlsOnFire23 said:
Sorry Hun but if he feels brave enough to do it in front of you, this is most definitely not the first time, he was way too comfortable and she didn't act like it was the first time either. Am not sure what I would do either, maybe try talking to her but no way a man will choke a woman as a joke!
Naveah2050
Well-Known Member
diadall said:
Nah, am sorry but choking ain't a joke...if my man tried to choke me like that especially in public over something minor like that I wouldn't even fight back I would just bide my time and get the hell outta there before he killed me. If he hasn't hit her yet he will do it soon
Naveah2050
Well-Known Member
CurlsOnFire23 said:
Aww hugs OP I know it wasn't easy but you did the right thing and am glad your hubby helped you handle this situation, that's so cute. I wonder if he apologized to his wife though, this guy is definitely an abuser, he is only sorry he got caught. The fact that the wife did not react angrily or with shock at you taking this so seriously and involving the police is also telling eg she acknowledges he is abusing her but just doesn't want to leave him. I wouldn't go to their house again
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CurlsOnFire23
New Member
Yeah @ Naveah2050 I think he'll do it again. He really doesn't seem like the type but after that night..I'm shocked. If something that simple sets him off then I can't imagine how he handles major situations. His wife never has bruises (at least visible ones) and she always invites people over to her home. My husband told me not to go over there anymore..he said "if he even sneezes in your general direction then let me know" lol. I'll keep myself available to her if necessary. Hopefully he'll keep his hands to himself now that he knows other people are keeping an eye out on him and his wife
Mitre
Well-Known Member
He can also kill her, she has to protect herself, after all this man said he was skrong. Her friend is an adult who can make adult decisions. If it was me I would provide my friend with information about abuse and leave it at that.
Naveah2050
Well-Known Member
CurlsOnFire23 said:
Yea girl so glad your safe please do not go there again, you have given her an opportunity to get out and seek help and potentially endangered yourself in the process . You can only lead the horse to the water you cannot make it drink. Am sorry you got dragged into this but you did what you could just let her know if she needs to talk u are there for her...
DarkJoy
Bent. Not Broken.
^^^^That up there is about right. ^^^^
You did the right thing OP. Guys like this are generally cowards---towards other men. But women? Years ago, my friend confided to me her husband was beating her. I'd seen the bruises. Of course I advised her to leave. She goes back, and guess what she does? Tells him what I said. He calls my house cursing me out. The next day? Tries to run me down in the street in his Mustang--with HER in the passenger seat, with a look of such fear and terror! Obviously, I get out of the way in time... All that and I hadn't even called the cops yet!
So BE CAREFUL, OP! Have that wonderful hubby of yours escort you to your car for a while and walk you in. These cowards won't do anything with another man around, but by yourself? They can be deadly. And your friend just might stand there like a fool while he assaults you.
CurlsOnFire23
New Member
Oh my
I wont put it past him to try and harm me. People are capable of such frightening behaviors...However I don't think he'd risk his military career..that wouldn't be a wise decision on his part. I'll still be cautious
CurlsOnFire23
New Member
OP you have a wonderful husband. You are very blessed. I'm so sorry you had to witness that. Why people gotta act a fool? She probably pushed him about laying on him because she didn't think he'd cut up in front of you. I would definitely stay away from them.
I feel so embarrassed and scared on her behalf. Our kids play together (our 5 year olds). Should my children no longer associate with their children? at least until this fiasco dies down?
DarkJoy
Bent. Not Broken.
He's in the military?! Ohhh if he does cut up in front of you again, you can always get in contact with his CO or whatever and he would best be sure to leave you alone. However, some folks are just plain crazy--you never know--in fits of rage, people don't think about anything like that--they only think of releasing their violence.Oh my
I wont put it past him to try and harm me. People are capable of such frightening behaviors...However I don't think he'd risk his military career..that wouldn't be a wise decision on his part. I'll still be cautious
The question of kids is hard, esp if the children really enjoy each other's company. I have a 6 year old DD myself. If both parents are home, I would tell my kids to ask their kids to either play outside if there's playground where you are and come over to YOUR house for snacks and games later. If they must play inside I'd insist they come over and give the parents the old excuse: "you two need a break, I'll watch 'em for a cpl hours." I would do the same if it was just the dad home--I wouldn't trust him around kids. Sorry.
If it's just the mom home, then I'd be OK with them being over there, but would be on guard to call the kids home before the husband arrives.
I actually do this with a friend I have because her husband is verbally abusive to both her and their 4yo DD.
It seems to work and the adults like their 'alone' time.
CurlsOnFire23
New Member
He's in the military?! Ohhh if he does cut up in front of you again, you can always get in contact with his CO or whatever and he would best be sure to leave you alone. However, some folks are just plain crazy--you never know--in fits of rage, people don't think about anything like that--they only think of releasing their violence.
The question of kids is hard, esp if the children really enjoy each other's company. I have a 6 year old DD myself. If both parents are home, I would tell my kids to ask their kids to either play outside if there's playground where you are and come over to YOUR house for snacks and games later. If they must play inside I'd insist they come over and give the parents the old excuse: "you two need a break, I'll watch 'em for a cpl hours." I would do the same if it was just the dad home--I wouldn't trust him around kids. Sorry.
If it's just the mom home, then I'd be OK with them being over there, but would be on guard to call the kids home before the husband arrives.
I actually do this with a friend I have because her husband is verbally abusive to both her and their 4yo DD.
Perhaps that's why he came over an apologized. I didn't ask my husband what he said, but maybe he brought up the possible "dishonorable discharge" option..hmm..I won't sever the kids relationship though..they can play together in my home our outside as you suggested. Thank you for your advice! I feel a little more at ease
Lucie
Dancin' on sunshine!
It's one thing to playfight but maybe I'm like a pimp, it gets serious once my face is involved. If no one was smiling/laughing that was worse. I would talk to my friend about it. I would not call the cops. That might make it worse and there does not appear to be any way for you to call without her knowing it was you. Although you don't consider her a friend, I think 2 years+ is enough time to view her as one. 
If it were you, how would you feel if she called the cops on you and your DH? Wouldn't you prefer being spoken to first?
Good luck to you and her.
If it were you, how would you feel if she called the cops on you and your DH? Wouldn't you prefer being spoken to first?
Good luck to you and her.
Naveah2050
Well-Known Member
CurlsOnFire23 said:
Personally I would slowly start limiting interaction with them and make sure I never left my kids alone with them in a private place or allowed him to come to my house. I am thinking that they are both probably embarrassed and will leave you alone also.
SummerSolstice
New Member
I was with someone who liked "horseplay" like this.
i still have a scar from him and i used to just pray someone would tell him to stop. i knew it was wrong but i didn't want to seem like the "bad guy" for shutting down his "play time"
reach out to her op
i still have a scar from him and i used to just pray someone would tell him to stop. i knew it was wrong but i didn't want to seem like the "bad guy" for shutting down his "play time"
reach out to her op
allmundjoi
New Member
CurlsOnFire23 said:
Dies down? Idk, but if he really is abusing her and doesn't admit it or seek help I wouldn't want my children alone around the parents . They showed their arse in front of you, they may do it in front of your kids too.
Military? Idk how I didn't pick up on that when you were talking about security. Did he admit he was wrong or did he just apologize for letting you see their shame and frightening you. The latter post of the altercation sounded terrible.
CurlsOnFire23
New Member
He said "I'm sorry If I upset you. You're always welcome in our home. I was wrong for arguing in front of you"
CurlsOnFire23
New Member
It's one thing to playfight but maybe I'm like a pimp, it gets serious once my face is involved. If no one was smiling/laughing that was worse. I would talk to my friend about it. I would not call the cops. That might make it worse and there does not appear to be any way for you to call without her knowing it was you. Although you don't consider her a friend, I think 2 years+ is enough time to view her as one.
If it were you, how would you feel if she called the cops on you and your DH? Wouldn't you prefer being spoken to first?
Good luck to you and her.
If the shoe were on the other foot then i'd understand why she spoke to security forces. I wasn't trying to get anyone in trouble but I didn't want to ignore the situation and it end up escalating in the future. If he kills her then it can't be said that authorities weren't alerted in the past. I at least want it to be on record that someone saw something.
allmundjoi
New Member
CurlsOnFire23 said:
Wow, so that's how they argue? Was he just trying to downplay it? Or he really thinks that's normal way to argue; headlock your wife until she submits or cries-which ever comes first? I don't know what made me think he would admit to crossing the line by getting physical. He apologized for letting you witness the fight.
CurlsOnFire23
New Member
To me it sounded like he was sorry for head-locking his wife with an eyewitness in the room. Maybe he forgot I was there...He SEEMS sincere but from what I've read on abusers since Sunday, they are the masters of deception.
DarkJoy
Bent. Not Broken.
This guy is a psycho! LISTEN CAREFULLY TO HIS RESPONSE: "sorry for arguing in front of you."
First he does not acknowledge that his BEHAVIOR is wrong. Not only does he not apologize for physical violence he doesn't admit that violence actually occured.
Second I agree he is more upset for the witness than committing the actual offense.
Third he did not acknowledge how what he did could be upsetting to ANY onlooker. In this case you. To do so would be admitting he violated not just his wife violently but YOU visually and emotionally.
Don't be mistaken you have been violated as well. I mean days later you are still here trying to figure it out. You have been traumatized just watching that bs. Imagine how traumatized your kids will be if he loses control with. Them over there?
You know what? I've dealt with ppl like this before. His "apology" would have me keeping my kids away from there period. What if he slaps his wife in front of your child?
He does not see what he does as fundamentally wrong. His behavior isn't going to change. Just get worse. And it IS worse and he is losing control if he can't refrain from hurting her IN FRONT OF COMPANY. He's dangerous for you and your children. At the least your emotional welfare.
I change my answer based on his response. Keep your family away. I'm sure this isn't the first time your neighbor has lost a friend to this abusive relationship. But that's the life folks lead in these relationships until they get the courage to leave.
First he does not acknowledge that his BEHAVIOR is wrong. Not only does he not apologize for physical violence he doesn't admit that violence actually occured.
Second I agree he is more upset for the witness than committing the actual offense.
Third he did not acknowledge how what he did could be upsetting to ANY onlooker. In this case you. To do so would be admitting he violated not just his wife violently but YOU visually and emotionally.
Don't be mistaken you have been violated as well. I mean days later you are still here trying to figure it out. You have been traumatized just watching that bs. Imagine how traumatized your kids will be if he loses control with. Them over there?
You know what? I've dealt with ppl like this before. His "apology" would have me keeping my kids away from there period. What if he slaps his wife in front of your child?
He does not see what he does as fundamentally wrong. His behavior isn't going to change. Just get worse. And it IS worse and he is losing control if he can't refrain from hurting her IN FRONT OF COMPANY. He's dangerous for you and your children. At the least your emotional welfare.
I change my answer based on his response. Keep your family away. I'm sure this isn't the first time your neighbor has lost a friend to this abusive relationship. But that's the life folks lead in these relationships until they get the courage to leave.
SummerSolstice
New Member
Ur kids don't belong over there
