Is this cheating?

[Fine 4s]

Heard this on the radio this am....

Cheating:

Sexual contact (kissing to sex) Uhm yeah!
Sexual conversation Not cheating but not appropriate either.
Sexting Really?
Sending nude photos I would add receiving pics and not letting me know another woman is sending you pics (it can happen.) Excluded if your friend sent it to you. CLC

Not cheating but worth fighting about

Flirting The kind that strickly involves ego boosting. Hmmm....CLC
Dancing closely Been guilty of that too but not cool I get it. CLC
Browsing a dating website For what?!!!!! CLC
Holding Hands That's cheating in my book WTH lolololol! CLC
Watching a movie alone with someone of the opposite sex at their home
Is it a friend that I also know? Something about being in the dark, with the opposite sex, watching a movie....sketchy! I've been that opposite sex friend and even I felt uncomfortable about it. CLC

Not cheating

Watching a P---O by yourself Knock yourself out!
Having dinner with someone of the opposite sex I need to know these people.
Receiving emotional support from a friend of the opposite sex Hmmmm...again, do I know these people? CLC

What do you think?
My thoughts are in blue....
I also added CLC for Can Lead to Cheating

 

[ChasingBliss]

To me, it's ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL cheating....some will lead to it in my book.

 

[Pat Mahurr]

Making a list of Thou Shalt Nots doesn't really do much, does it? I mean, people know deep down if they were wrong.

For example, under Not Cheating, they listed "Having dinner with someone of the opposite sex." What if you didn't know your SO was having dinner with that person? What if your SO lied about where they were? What if that person is your SO's EX? It kinda doesn't matter if actual sex took place. You would probably feel betrayed or deceived. Know what I mean?

 

[SilentRuby]

Cheating to me is doing anything you wouldn't say/do in front of your SO or spouse. Just like sinning, if you cant do it in front of God, then don't do it

 

[Curlee_lurker]

Someone described it as doing anything behind your SOs back that you wouldn't do in front of them because you know they wouldn't like it. I tend to agree in most circumstances.

 

[michelle81]

Cheating to me is doing anything you wouldn't say/do in front of your SO or spouse. Just like sinning, if you cant do it in front of God, then don't do it

This is mine and DH's definition of cheating as well. Also, friends of the opposite sex don't work for our marriage either.

 

[Fine 4s]

I hear you Pat Mahurr.

I'm not so sure about that. However, this is why the 'study' included the category 'worth fighting over.' I don't believe people always know they were 'wrong' ESPECIALLY if, to them, an action was innocent. Being 'wrong' is subjective. I've done innocent stuff that didn't even register. But in HINDSIGHT, I can see why it was deemed ‘wrong’ and if my SO wanted to believe the worse in me, he could have easily argued that I'm not serious about us.

To your points:

1. What if your SO had a business meeting and decided to continue over dinner (that can happen right?) Your girlfriend sees this and runs to let you know (this is why it's such a slippery slope to run tell dat.) I can see someone deading a relationship over something like this. And don't let the SO have some past indiscretion in the relationship, it's a wrap.

2. If your SO lied then that's a bit more complicated. But let's play. Assuming your SO lied about having dinner with an unknown woman because he was planning a huge surprise for you and of course that surprise never happened because well...you broke up with him before finding out or gave him an opportunity to prove it.

3. If your SO was having dinner/lunch/breakfast with his ex, well were you aware that they were in touch? Let's say you were not. He finds out they work near each other and plans a lunch meeting to chat about the break up (let's say ya'll never spoke or addressed anything) and give last minute items that were never returned, a closure of some sort. I'm not focusing on what it APPEARS to be but rather what we KNOW it to be and in this scenario it was a simple goodbye. Some people find closures necessary and others don't.

Two things: Not all things mean what we sometimes THINK they mean even faced with all the evidence to support that thought. If you had two people one you trust (A) and one you do not trust person (B). Person (A) could do the same thing person (B) does and you would defend it to the T. Let person (B) do the exact same thing and all of a sudden they're horrible. It seems to me that trust is a decision we make based on many different things, some of which we don't fully understand.

 

[Fine 4s]

This is mine and DH's definition of cheating as well. Also, friends of the opposite sex don't work for our marriage either.

This is on my radar in my relationship.
How did you both come to that conclusion? Anything happen or you knew coming in?

 

[ZLUVSNEWZEE]

Heard this on the radio this am....

Cheating:

Sexual contact (kissing to sex) Uhm yeah!
Sexual conversation Not cheating but not appropriate either.
Sexting Really?
Sending nude photos I would add receiving pics and not letting me know another woman is sending you pics (it can happen.) Excluded if your friend sent it to you. CLC

Not cheating but worth fighting about

Flirting The kind that strickly involves ego boosting. Hmmm....CLC
Dancing closely Been guilty of that too but not cool I get it. CLC
Browsing a dating website For what?!!!!! CLC
Holding Hands That's cheating in my book WTH lolololol! CLC
Watching a movie alone with someone of the opposite sex at their home
Is it a friend that I also know? Something about being in the dark, with the opposite sex, watching a movie....sketchy! I've been that opposite sex friend and even I felt uncomfortable about it. CLC

Not cheating

Watching a P---O by yourself Knock yourself out!
Having dinner with someone of the opposite sex I need to know these people.
Receiving emotional support from a friend of the opposite sex Hmmmm...again, do I know these people? CLC

What do you think?
My thoughts are in blue....
I also added CLC for Can Lead to Cheating

I heard this too...on wild 94.9

 

[nappystorm]

I think each couple should define what's cheating according to what works for them.

 

[Pat Mahurr]

I hear you Pat Mahurr.

I'm not so sure about that. However, this is why the 'study' included the category 'worth fighting over.' I don't believe people always know they were 'wrong' ESPECIALLY if, to them, an action was innocent. Being 'wrong' is subjective. I've done innocent stuff that didn't even register. But in HINDSIGHT, I can see why it was deemed ‘wrong’ and if my SO wanted to believe the worse in me, he could have easily argued that I'm not serious about us.

To your points:

1. What if your SO had a business meeting and decided to continue over dinner (that can happen right?) Your girlfriend sees this and runs to let you know (this is why it's such a slippery slope to run tell dat.) I can see someone deading a relationship over something like this. And don't let the SO have some past indiscretion in the relationship, it's a wrap.

2. If your SO lied then that's a bit more complicated. But let's play. Assuming your SO lied about having dinner with an unknown woman because he was planning a huge surprise for you and of course that surprise never happened because well...you broke up with him before finding out or gave him an opportunity to prove it.

3. If your SO was having dinner/lunch/breakfast with his ex, well were you aware that they were in touch? Let's say you were not. He finds out they work near each other and plans a lunch meeting to chat about the break up (let's say ya'll never spoke or addressed anything) and give last minute items that were never returned, a closure of some sort. I'm not focusing on what it APPEARS to be but rather what we KNOW it to be and in this scenario it was a simple goodbye. Some people find closures necessary and others don't.

Two things: Not all things mean what we sometimes THINK they mean even faced with all the evidence to support that thought. If you had two people one you trust (A) and one you do not trust person (B). Person (A) could do the same thing person (B) does and you would defend it to the T. Let person (B) do the exact same thing and all of a sudden they're horrible. It seems to me that trust is a decision we make based on many different things, some of which we don't fully understand.

I agree totally with the bolded, and well-put! That's why I say a definitive list of dos and don'ts doesn't really take into account all the nuances. If your trust in Person A is starting to wane, you might start giving them the Person B treatment. At that point, even the "Not Cheating" list adds fuel to the fire.

As for knowing intuitively whether you're wrong or not, I stand by that. Everybody knows what their own intentions are. And if you're in a relationship, you likely know, at any given time, what you can and cannot get away with and how your SO will perceive your actions. Some things are acceptable at a given time, at other times, not.

 

[ChasingBliss]

I think each couple should define what's cheating according to what works for them.

YUP, then there will be no misunderstandings... and whatever decisions you make along the way, you already know what you discussed, what is expected of you and more than anything else, what you obviously agreed upon.

 

[InchHighPrivateEye]

I would get mad if my SO did ANY of that mess--with the exclusion of watching the p---o. Do you

With the exception of sex, the one that would make me the maddest is holding hands. I wish.in the hell.I would. randomly see you holding some broad's hand. It will go down. Also, the watching a movie at somebody's house. See, this list is about to make me mad.

I don't think receiving a sext is necessarily someone's fault unless--although, this "unless" is probably true in most cases--they've been corresponding with that person in an inappropriate manner that made the other person feel comfortable to send a sext. But you very damn welll better show it to me talking about some "wtf?" Don't let me find it

 

[Fine 4s]

As for knowing intuitively whether you're wrong or not, I stand by that. Everybody knows what their own intentions are. And if you're in a relationship, you likely know, at any given time, what you can and cannot get away with and how your SO will perceive your actions. Some things are acceptable at a given time, at other times, not.

Pat Mahurr (loving the name lol) I guess I'm thinking about times when my intentions were pure but did look 'bad.' I also think that learning how your SO perceive your actions doesn't happen over night. On both parts it might take a few stumbles before getting it right. To the last sentence how do you know when that time changes?

 

[Fine 4s]

I would get mad if my SO did ANY of that mess--with the exclusion of watching the p---o. Do you

With the exception of sex, the one that would make me the maddest is holding hands. I wish.in the hell.I would. randomly see you holding some broad's hand. It will go down. Also, the watching a movie at somebody's house. See, this list is about to make me mad.

I don't think receiving a sext is necessarily someone's fault unless--although, this "unless" is probably true in most cases--they've been corresponding with that person in an inappropriate manner that made the other person feel comfortable to send a sext. But you very damn welll better show it to me talking about some "wtf?" Don't let me find it

You had me crackin' up! LOLOLOL
I think holding hands is like an emotional betrayal...the worse!
I might forgive a hit it situation (I know I know, not my ideal but if I had to pick...) but holding hands and movie watching.....

 

[nychaelasymone]

If it's not cool to you or doesn't feel right in your spirit.....than its cheating......what may make you upset, may not make someone else upset. That doesn't negate the stuff that's blatantly cheating....I'm speaking of the gray areas....if it doesn't feel good to you, than it's cheating.

 

[Pat Mahurr]

Pat Mahurr (loving the name lol) I guess I'm thinking about times when my intentions were pure but did look 'bad.' I also think that learning how your SO perceive your actions doesn't happen over night. On both parts it might take a few stumbles before getting it right. To the last sentence how do you know when that time changes?

It's basically what was said before. If the relationship is going well, and the trust is in tact, you get the benefit of the doubt, most times. If you've had an argument or either party is already suspicious/jealous, or there are other bumps in the relationship, both people should avoid doing anything that even potentially looks bad until the trust is rebuilt.

 

[michelle81]

This is on my radar in my relationship.
How did you both come to that conclusion? Anything happen or you knew coming in?

Nothing has ever happened, it's been more of just personal beliefs both of us had coming in. There's a girl I work with that she and her SO believe differently, she thinks people of the opposite sex can be just friends. I asked her if she'd be okay with her SO taking a trip somewhere and staying in the same room with said friend, she said something like that would be different. Well taking a trip and staying in the same room/bed is something I would do with my close girlfriends.

I'm also really mindful of conversations I have with other men. I wouldn't talk candidly about sex with other men (unless they're gay!), but I frequently do that with my girlfriends.