Is there ever a reason to 'settle'?

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PositivelyBeautiful

New Member
I'm single and recently I've started dating a new guy. On paper he's great - attractive, from the same background as me, educated, likes the same music and film as me, can hold a conversation, faithful, caring, considerate. However, I just feel that there's no 'spark' there. We've been on a few dates that have not ended badly but I haven't felt a burning desire to go on another date with him either. My sexual desire for him is pretty much non existant. He's pretty awful at communicating (randomly stops communicating for weeks at a time but when I ask about it says he doesn't want to lose me and was just busy) and still lives at home with his mom, but I've really been trying to overlook that because he has so many other good qualities.

I hope this doesn't come across as too confusing. I'm just wondering if it's important to have a 'spark'? Or am I being unreasonable? Should I 'settle' (for want of a better word), because I know that he's most of the things I want on paper? I'm 23 and well educated but I've been single a long time and worry about becoming a lonely old lady with only cats for company.
 
Um...

You're young. You don't have to worry about settling so soon. Just date him and other people and enjoy being young. You'll find that spark sooner or later. After you do, you can decide whether or that "spark" is enough for a relationship.
 
No spark, no relationship.

If you don't want to :trampolin his brains out. You're wasting your time. Attraction is a big thing. That is unless you're ok with having the light off all the time.
 
I'm currently in a situation where I consider my self settling with my fwb. I initially wasn't attracted to him when we first worked together. But we still remained friends after we no longer worked together. Then earlier this year I went through a bad break-up and was there for me; a few months ago his wife up and left him with three kids and I was there for him. Now we've been involved in adult activity for several months now and I see him in another light. I think I can honestly say I like him because he likes me and shows an interest in me since my break-up and maybe it's the hero-syndrome and this makes me feel like I'm settling.

I said all that to say people can grow on you over time. He's become more attractive to me and we are still good friends and can talk about whatever. I feel you on the not wanting to be lonely part. Right now for me it's better to have someone around even if it's part time. I guess it all depends on what you think you're settling for. Could you deal with the lack of communication and him living with his mom for a while? Try one more date and see if you still feel the same way.
 
The spark is a concern. However I do think a spark can be generated over time. What concerns me more is the fact that he stops communicating for weeks at a time and his reason for that is he's busy. If it was me I wouldn't discontinue communicating with this guy but I'd put him on the back burner while I date others to find someone that isn't so... busy.
 
Lilakoi’s_Sister said:
The spark is a concern. However I do think a spark can be generated over time. What concerns me more is the fact that he stops communicating for weeks at a time and his reason for that is he's busy. If it was me I wouldn't discontinue communicating with this guy but I'd put him on the back burner while I date others to find someone that isn't so... busy.
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Exactly. At first I was gonna say that she should stop being so worried about sparks, because a good and healthy relationship is not based on sparks. Too many women have passed up really good men because they didn't immediately set those women's worlds on fire.

But there's NO WAY I'm gonna deal with a man who disappears for weeks at a time... nuh uh...

If his name ain't Barack Obama, there's no way he's that busy. "He's busy" is typically code for, "He's just not that into you," or "He just doesn't want to talk to you and expend that much energy on you."

Move on, he's a waste of time.
 
Multiple red flags....
First, At 23 settling (or even finding "the one") should not even be in your thought processes and I hope you're joking about this fear of becoming a cat lady. Your early twenties is a time for exploring and figuring out who you are and what you want in a relationship.

Second, no man who's interested in you and only you will disappear for weeks. No one is that busy. Most likely he's dating others.

I'm with Bunny on this one. I would pass this one up.
 
ebonylocs said:
What is *up* on this board with super young women being worried that the man train is passing them by?
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Friends and family, for real. People are telling me with a not quite subtle hint that I need to get moving.

It's like a race to the finish line :nono:
 
nagawa said:
Friends and family, for real. People are telling me with a not quite subtle hint that I need to get moving.
Click to expand...
I am not saying don't date, or even don't actively seek out your future husband if that is what you want. But the level of despair and desperation I am getting from some of these threads is just not warranted in women who are far from reaching the age of lowered fertility. Yes, I know that passing time can catch you off guard and you should be planning for the future, but "Woe is me, I am 21 and don't have a man. Am I going to die alone?" (Yeah, I know I am exaggerating) is not the mindset to take in a time when you should be exploring and selecting and feeling your power.
 
Lilakoi’s_Sister said:
The spark is a concern. However I do think a spark can be generated over time. What concerns me more is the fact that he stops communicating for weeks at a time and his reason for that is he's busy. If it was me I wouldn't discontinue communicating with this guy but I'd put him on the back burner while I date others to find someone that isn't so... busy.
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I agree, the spark thing is the least of your worries. The inconsistent communcation is a red flag and grounds for dismissal. No man, not even a CEO is that busy where he cannot take the time to pic up the phone or send a text message. You are just not a priority for him and you don't want that in a relationship.

Tell your family that you are marrying yourself right now.
 
ebonylocs said:
I am not saying don't date, or even don't actively seek out your future husband if that is what you want. But the level of despair and desperation I am getting from some of these threads is just not warranted in women who are far from reaching the age of lowered fertility. Yes, I know that passing time can catch you off guard and you should be planning for the future, but "Woe is me, I am 21 and don't have a man. Am I going to die alone?" (Yeah, I know I am exaggerating) is not the mindset to take in a time when you should be exploring and selecting and feeling your power.
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I know and I feel you. But society seems to think that a woman's worth drops by the time she hits 25 :rolleyes:

I was able to sidestep some mistakes because I've been cautious. But it's weird. It's one minute "we're too young to settle" then it's "okay, I need to get a ring...tomorrow." :lachen: I don't know how/when the shift occurred.

I know I need to my act together. Can't play this game with my head on backwards.
 
PositivelyBeautiful said:
I'm single and recently I've started dating a new guy. On paper he's great - attractive, from the same background as me, educated, likes the same music and film as me, can hold a conversation, faithful, caring, considerate. However, I just feel that there's no 'spark' there. We've been on a few dates that have not ended badly but I haven't felt a burning desire to go on another date with him either. My sexual desire for him is pretty much non existant. He's pretty awful at communicating (randomly stops communicating for weeks at a time but when I ask about it says he doesn't want to lose me and was just busy) and still lives at home with his mom, but I've really been trying to overlook that because he has so many other good qualities.

I hope this doesn't come across as too confusing. I'm just wondering if it's important to have a 'spark'? Or am I being unreasonable? Should I 'settle' (for want of a better word), because I know that he's most of the things I want on paper? I'm 23 and well educated but I've been single a long time and worry about becoming a lonely old lady with only cats for company.
Click to expand...

If there's no spark you'll be miserable.

True story, I stayed with a dude for close to ten years that I was not sexually attracted to, but I figured since he was a good guy it could work and I would GROW to love him. I did grow to care for him, but I was never in love with him. Even though he wasn't a bad lover, I couldn't stand having sex with him, because he didn't turn me on.

No matter how much I tried to fantasize about other men being him with my eyes closed it just didn't work. :nono: I would rush him through sex and only gave it to him maybe a few times a month (if I really had to). At first I thought I had lost my sexual libido or something, because I had absolutely no desire for sex and I wasn't about to cheat in an exclusive relationship. Once I decided the relationship was over, my sexual drive came back and that was all she wrote.

I promised myself that I would never, ever again get in an exclusive relationship with a man that I was not sexually attracted to and I haven't.

The only time you should settle is if you're afraid of being alone and have low self-esteem.

You're better off being an old lady with several cats to keep you company.
 
ebonylocs said:
I am not saying don't date, or even don't actively seek out your future husband if that is what you want. But the level of despair and desperation I am getting from some of these threads is just not warranted in women who are far from reaching the age of lowered fertility. Yes, I know that passing time can catch you off guard and you should be planning for the future, but "Woe is me, I am 21 and don't have a man. Am I going to die alone?" (Yeah, I know I am exaggerating) is not the mindset to take in a time when you should be exploring and selecting and feeling your power.
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Sadly I hate a number of friends that thought this at age 20-22. My BF was really concerned that I wasn't concerned about marriage at age 25. She was obsessed with not being alone. I suppose that's why she went through 8 men in 1 year. She BOUGHT a wedding dress with a half propose! She wanted to quit college for this guy! I wanted to throttle her, but then I figured she'd grow up at some point and realize that it's not about having a man but have THE man that counts. But she's not there yet....
 
I always figured if I was too old and still single that I'd make a marriage of convenience. Of course if I didn't find the man attractive, I would not sleep with him.
 
Thanks for all of your responses. I know it's weird to get worried about being alone at such a young age but most of my friends are in relationships. The 'black women are going to end up single and lonely' articles/programmes etc haven't passed me by either. And since I've moved away for my post graduate programme I've found it pretty hard to meet any men at all.

I've decided with all of the issues I'm going to put him on he back burner and just get on with the things I need to do. I'm pretty sure thats what he's doing.
 
ebonylocs said:
What is *up* on this board with super young women being worried that the man train is passing them by?
Click to expand...

:lachen: i'm 23 (24 in november) and i have this fear. I mean, i'm in no rush whatsoever to marry but i wanna marry latest at 30 and i wanna date somebody for a while before i marry so, let's say i'm with somebody for 3 yrs and then we marry. That's 26/7 granted i find somebody now, lol
 
At this point, 26. I would rather plan to adopt or get artificial insemination ( or maybe rape a friend) if i wanted to have kids. My children & my cat with my occasional FWB would live happily ever after.

I refuse to have some man who I can't stand for whatever reason in my house/life. no settling here.
 
Settling is not even the prominent issue here, the whole "i'm busy" thing has me like :perplexed:nono: People make time for things that are important to them and obviously you are not.

Chile, run for the hills! You are 23, quit tripping. Quit watching all them black women are gonna die single specials, its plenty of good dudes out there, trust me. And you got plenty of time to meet them- time you are wasting with this joker.
 
I'm 22 and already I've had fears that I'll never find anybody and I will be alone since I refuse to settle. Anytime that reaches my dad's ears he's quick to say how I'm too young to even have that in my brain, that I'll meet someone and all the usual stuff fathers tell their daughters. I don't see the point in trying to make a relationship work if you're not interested. It only makes things awkward and uncomfortable and in the end someone will get hurt. The spark is a tricky one. No it's not everything but it is really important. I have to feel my connection with a guy is special and unlike anything else. Sometimes it can come over time and other times you just know it won't be there.
 
nope. there is never a good reason to settle. However, when you're just dating, I say have fun and know that you're not settling by spending time and energy on/with someone, you're learning to hone what you want in a relationship.

Have fun and enjoy it for however long it lasts. If you stop having fun, then get out of it, until then, take notes on what YOU like and dislike, not what you're suppose to like and dislike.

The world will have you thinking you want/need one thing when your heart's desire is something totally different.
 
How long have you two been dating?
Sorry if this has been answered before.

But anyway, I'm usually of the sort that says: "No attraction?? No relationshippy!" lol :look: But as I get older, I do realize that there are MORE things that make a man good other than a "spark". So, I've opened my eyes to some men who were perhaps not really my "type" at first, or perhaps didn't make me go ga-ga over them at first sight, and I've met some pretty nice men!

But I always say to go with the 3-month rule. If after 3 months of getting to know this guy, dating him, talking with him, etc you STILL don't feel a spark, then by all means sweetie, LET HIM GO! I tried dating a good guy friend of mine earlier this year because he was SOOOO into me (which was good for a change), treated me like a queen, said and DID all of the right things, etc. BUT! I was NOT attracted to him physically. It was the weirdest thing! I just was NOT attracted to him! I could talk to him all day long on the phone, but in person it was like...... :( A HUGE let-down. I know people say that attraction isn't such a big thing, but honestly....ask those SAME people whether or not they are attracted to their husbands or bf's. You might learn something. I felt bad that I wasn't feeling him like he was feeling me. :( I even posted about my "experience" w/him here on this relationship board. It was like...something was MISSING! It was the attraction factor really. I just KNEW I was settling. :-/

Sadly, I ended up cutting things off with him. Plus, he needed to get his life in order, change some things about his personality (he was kind of a downer), etc. I'm SOOO glad I cut things off w/him. I felt like I was settling BIG time. My thought is, if you FEEL like you're "Settling", then most likely you probably are. He wasn't even "Good-looking", so it's not like I could even parade him around and say: "look what I got y'all!" LOL!


So no, there is no sense in settling. Girl...you're not even in your mid-twenties yet and you're worried about not finding a man? NO way.... I'm in my late 20's and I'm STILL not married yet. I'm not letting it bother me. I'm having too much fun! LOL! Don't let society jade you into thinking that women are defective life stock just because they're in their late 20's or 30's and aren't married yet. Puh-leeze!
 
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Crystalicequeen123 said:
But I always say to go with the 3-month rule. If after 3 months of getting to know this guy, dating him, talking with him, etc you STILL don't feel a spark, then by all means sweetie, LET HIM GO! I tried dating a good guy friend of mine earlier this year because he was SOOOO into me (which was good for a change), treated me like a queen, said and DID all of the right things, etc. BUT! I was NOT attracted to him physically. It was the weirdest thing! I just was NOT attracted to him! I could talk to him all day long on the phone, but in person it was like...... :( A HUGE let-down. I know people say that attraction isn't such a big thing, but honestly....ask those SAME people whether or not they are attracted to their husbands or bf's. You might learn something. I felt bad that I wasn't feeling him like he was feeling me. :( I even posted about my "experience" w/him here on this relationship board. It was like...something was MISSING! It was the attraction factor really. I just KNEW I was settling. :-/
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Agreed with your whole post, but I wanted to co-sign this. Just in case people misunderstand my point, I'm never saying to just pick a man because he's nice if there's zero attraction on your part! There has to be attraction and a sense of romantic love... if he just feels "comfortable" like a teddy bear and being intimate feels like getting involved with your brother... then just move on!

My point is that women often brush off a man too soon becuase there isn't instant chemistry. yes, there needs to be chemistry in a relationship, but I agree with giving it three months of dating to see if something can grow. Some women though cut a man off after ONE date then wonder years later why they can't find a good man... maybe you had one and didn't know it! (And yes, maybe he would have been awesome for you!!!!)
 
Bunny77 said:
Agreed with your whole post, but I wanted to co-sign this. Just in case people misunderstand my point, I'm never saying to just pick a man because he's nice if there's zero attraction on your part! There has to be attraction and a sense of romantic love... if he just feels "comfortable" like a teddy bear and being intimate feels like getting involved with your brother... then just move on!

My point is that women often brush off a man too soon becuase there isn't instant chemistry. yes, there needs to be chemistry in a relationship, but I agree with giving it three months of dating to see if something can grow. Some women though cut a man off after ONE date then wonder years later why they can't find a good man... maybe you had one and didn't know it! (And yes, maybe he would have been awesome for you!!!!)
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I agree with this 100%.

You know I was REALLY reluctant about this current guy because I wasn't really attracted to him. But the more I get to know him, the more I realize that he's everything that I wished the last few guys I'd dealt with were and treats me the way I've always wanted to be treated.

But I do think attraction is not the primary issue with the OP's dude.
 
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Rather than forcing oneself to settle, I think it's useful to try and make sure that the men who do have a *spark* for us are actually good men to be attracted to. If the only men who have sparks are those who are unavailable, super attractive or otherwise have "player" tendencies, then something is wrong in what we find attractive in the first place.

Generally, I think that we have so much more power over our mindset and what we see as good, true and beautiful than we think that we do. So what we find attractive is going to have more than a little bit to do with what we consider to be most valuable in a man--and maybe there's a need to rearrange our priorities in that respect. Some deep reflection and change of mentality might make attraction to a wider variety of men more possible.

But I do personally understand the dilemma. If it makes anyone feel better, I think that men can be just as off base in who they think they would be a good match with as a woman can be. So just because he's so excited about me doesn't necessarily mean that we would actually be good together. I think the feeling that something is the right fit should be mutual. Even if that feeling isn't accompanied by fireworks--it should still feel like a good fit.
 
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