Is love enough??

You all might have a special connection but it may be hard for you to build a life with him going forward. He needs to be able to provide if he wants to be a husband and I probably wouldn't go down that rode unless he could full that role.

If he loves you, he will be hurt but should be thinking along the same lines. Being pregnant and raising a child is taxing - and you will want the option to stay home or need the resources to help take care of you and the babies if you decide to keep working.

You don't want to get on the other side of 'I do' and feel like your sacrifices are not worth it.

I hope it all works out. Does he share any of your concerns?
 
EbonyTresses said:
Now.... why am I with him?? I do love him. He’s sweet, considerate, keeps me laughing, he loves me, respectful, faithful. But sometimes I wonder…is that enough??? Sometimes I feel like im settling. Will things fall into place if the love and respect is there? :help2:
Click to expand...

No, no and no. Sometimes love just isn't enough.
 
please walk away from this. You can be a good friend to him, but I don't see how you can stay with this man who isn't going anywhere and let him keep you from doing better. Drinks all day, weed, no job, disability [if it was only this, you could have made this work], terrible sex and a child who he's supposed to help financially.....no love isn't enough to make staying worth it.
Life is hard enough without you volunteering for making it more difficult
 
Love is not really blind, it has selective sight.

Just so we are clear, you are
- considering marriage to a person who spends much of his days in an altered state of mind - do you think he had progressed to the point of addiction?
-cannot work - does he have any alternative ambitions for what he can do to earn income? perhaps something from the home?
- doesn't satisfy you in intimate situations - does he do other things to make sure your sessions finish well?
- there's enough of an age difference for you to mention it, which means you're concerned
- are you prepared to take care of him in the event his illness progresses? financially? emotionally?

I understand that this man is someone you love, but you know what is the best determinant of successful long term relationships? Shared values and vision for the future.
What is his vision? What's yours?

If you can say that your values and goals align with his AND you have good answers for the questions above ( meaning you are comfortable with your answers for those questions... Not what others would deem to be acceptable) then you would stay. On the other hand, if it doesn't match up... You have your answer.

Good luck!
 
Would he give you this much thought if the situation was in reverse?? This sounds like a mess...what are you really getting out of this.
 
There are too many insurmountable "cons" on your list to make this work. Sorry.
(After #4 I was like :nono:)
 
LadyChe said:
Love is not really blind, it has selective sight.

Just so we are clear, you are
- considering marriage to a person who spends much of his days in an altered state of mind - do you think he had progressed to the point of addiction?
-cannot work - does he have any alternative ambitions for what he can do to earn income? perhaps something from the home?
- doesn't satisfy you in intimate situations - does he do other things to make sure your sessions finish well?
- there's enough of an age difference for you to mention it, which means you're concerned
- are you prepared to take care of him in the event his illness progresses? financially? emotionally?

I understand that this man is someone you love, but you know what is the best determinant of successful long term relationships? Shared values and vision for the future.
What is his vision? What's yours?

If you can say that your values and goals align with his AND you have good answers for the questions above ( meaning you are comfortable with your answers for those questions... Not what others would deem to be acceptable) then you would stay. On the other hand, if it doesn't match up... You have your answer.

Good luck!
Click to expand...

ita!!! Values and goals have to align...your list is giving you clear cut answers op.

Wait, be positive, keep believing, and all will surely be yours. Sent from my iPhone using LHCF
 
Well I thought it was bad when I started reading, but when I got to Number 4 I thought you were joking :crazy:.

If you only sometimes feel like you're settling with a guy that drinks/smokes all day, horrible sex and with a criminal past maybe you're not too bad a match. There's a lid for every pot and all that. Love is enough for some women.

I'd guess you were aware of most of the things on the list if you knew him 7 months prior to getting together:perplexed. Its best to sit down and think about what you really want from a relationship, lifestyle, partner and your future. After you deciding on this, disregard guys that deviate too much from your basic needs.:yep:

After someone's in love its kinda difficult to advise them. Also I cant sit here and say leave him because he loves weed, or whatever because some women are cool with that. If you are not then I think you need to be honest with yourself by taking action and also trying to prevent a similar situation in the future by asking questions/thinking things through before you get with someone with someone so obviously unsuibtable.

1, or 2 doubts are kind of common in the initial stages of LTR. Its just that list is quite long and contain several things that could seriously impact your future and happiness.
 
That teeny bit of doubt you have is your answer. No love is not enough.

You listed that he smoke, has criminal record, sounds like an alcoholic, shaky income and the sex is bad..I'm done right there. Mostly guys with not much going on can at least throw down in bed...

Its up to you OP.
 
Everyone has said everything I was thinking. I believe this much, if you stay, you will eventually be regretful, resentful and plain ole miserable. You will feel like you wasted your entire life and perhaps be wishing that you got with someone else, perhaps even someone you knew or considered at one point. My grandmother told me this exact thing about her own feelings before she died. My grandfather had different issues than your bf, but her feelings were the same as yours, wondering if love was enough, feeling as if she should leave and find/create a more fulfilling life. She did not. And in her later years, she was a miserable wreck and her dementia made it worse.

Wow, did not mean to type that much but her story always serves as a HUGE lesson for me, make sure you really want to be with the person you choose. Especially if you are considering marriage. This one little life we have...there is no time to settle.
 
Girl,there are so many red flags on the play that you need to just let him go without looking back. Love can't pay the bills....don't let your feat of never finding a good man to allow you to be tether to this no-good man. I've seen this situation play out before and in the end, the ladies either get pregnant or he starts to get abusive and they end up regretting everything.

Are you willing to be the main breadwinner of the house?
Are you willing to be with someone with different spiritual beliefs than you?
Are you willing to let him just sit up in your house, drinking and smoking weed all day while you work?
Are you willing to take the chance that since he can't get a job, he might turn to illegal money making schemes to get cash fast?

I'm curious, how'd did y'all meet? Y'all seem to be opposite ends of the spectrum that it seems hard to see how y'all even became friends.
 
I have entered similar threads before but never answered because I didn't feel compelled to, but this time I do. Please take everything I say as genuine concern from a woman, a sister without any condescension.
Questions: how old are you? What does marriage mean to you? Are you willing to settle with less than you deserve because he is a respectful, faithful and a family man and sacrifice a healthy sex life, your finances and your energy should he get permanently disabled?
I understand how you feel when you mentioned his qualities, because they are indeed hard to find in men nowadays. In your situation, however, I feel like you are feeling pity more than love. If you truly value him as a man, you should take a step back and think about ways you can help him as a FRIEND, not as a rescue lover. He has a lot going on and if he doesn't grow, he will bring you down with him.
The decision is ultimately yours to make and you seem to know what to do but aren't able to enforce it. Whatever you decide, make sure it is what YOU WANT and plan ahead for any repercussions. If you break up with him, he will need support from a friend. If you stay with him, be prepared to be the head of the household and bear most if not all responsibilities.

Sent from my PG86100 using LHCF
 
EbonyTresses said:
I KNOW if I stay with him, I would regret it, because I regret getting back together with him on valentine's day after we broke up for the same reasons. I've always had doubts, but sometimes I tell my doubts to hush because I'm like that with everyone I meet. My family always laughs saying that I don't keep them around for long, but how can I when they have issues that im not comfortable with? I guess I need to pick them better, and stop inviting everyone I like to family gatherings, etc.

My father always told me, "Never let your sympathy for a man, outweigh your interest."And at this point...it does. My dad already gave his opinion, "kick him to the curb." lol. I think what makes it so hard for me is the fact that he's my best friend, and vice versa and I don't want to hurt him. He's been in so many bad relationships and he's a good guy. He always says if it doesnt work between us, he's done with dating..and I think he might even consider suicide (he's attempted in his past). Oh yeah...Number 8 or 9 I forget: He's bipolar.

And then it's the fact that he's faithful. I know all men aren't cheaters, but I don't want to let him go for a guy that cheats all time :perplexed
Click to expand...


Real talk. Why is his being faithful a plus when he can't really have sex even with you? Might it be cirucumstances rather than character?

Sorry OP but as I read your list my jaw just dropped. Criminal past, no work, bad sex, drinking and smoking weed all day (which is forbidden for devout Muslims by the way), and now bipolar? As another poster said you really need to ask yourself why are even in this relationship let alone thinking about marriage.

I'm sorry to say but this isn't really about love. You are willing to settle for a man who has NOTHING to offer you. Why is that? Once you answer that question and resolve to love yourself more then you do now you'll be able to detach from this situation in a kind but definitive way. You can be a supportive friend without having to be in an intimate relationship with him.
 
Last edited:
This whole thing sounds terrible. OP I don't even know you but I'm positive that you can do better. You must have a heart of gold to even consider marriage. I implore you to leave this man.
 
EbonyTresses said:
My father always told me, "Never let your sympathy for a man, outweigh your interest."
Click to expand...

So, basically, you knew the answer to this one before here then.

Bi-polar too? Ugh. Case closed.
(eta: Nothing wrong with having a mental illness, but with all the other stuff - no way)

Theo said:
<sic>
Click to expand...

Theo, I'm mad at you for this siggy! :rofl:
I can't stop looking at it, just cannot turn away!!!
 
EbonyTresses said:
I KNOW if I stay with him, I would regret it, because I regret getting back together with him on valentine's day after we broke up for the same reasons. I've always had doubts, but sometimes I tell my doubts to hush because I'm like that with everyone I meet. My family always laughs saying that I don't keep them around for long, but how can I when they have issues that im not comfortable with? I guess I need to pick them better, and stop inviting everyone I like to family gatherings, etc.

My father always told me, "Never let your sympathy for a man, outweigh your interest."And at this point...it does. My dad already gave his opinion, "kick him to the curb." lol. I think what makes it so hard for me is the fact that he's my best friend, and vice versa and I don't want to hurt him. He's been in so many bad relationships and he's a good guy. He always says if it doesnt work between us, he's done with dating..and I think he might even consider suicide (he's attempted in his past). Oh yeah...Number 8 or 9 I forget: He's bipolar.

And then it's the fact that he's faithful. I know all men aren't cheaters, but I don't want to let him go for a guy that cheats all time :perplexed
Click to expand...

Your dad told you the truth. If this man loved you, he would be looking out for you. Not trying to guilt you into staying.

Do not marry this dude. Do not get pregnant by him. Listen to your gut. You are not being mean or selfish. He is not a good longterm partner for you right now.
 
^^^ good for you OP. It sounds like this man needs some serious help and it's not fair to you or him either for you to serve as a crutch of sorts. You can't save him but you can be a good friend by encouraging him to do what he needs to do (whatever treatments he needs physically/mentally, no more drinking, no more drugs, etc.) so he can become whole. The key is that HE needs to do it, not you.

Best of luck to you!
 
EbonyTresses that's a hard decision to make and I'm proud of you for realizing your worth and potential. :hug:
And stay strong no matter what he says. You are not responsible for his actions.

Sent from my PG86100 using LHCF
 
EbonyTresses said:
O

It's like he's always had a hold on me. Kind of controlling..but subtle..and in a nice way, like when I'm going to call, where I'm at etc. I even felt bad for spending too much time with my family because I know he would be at home alone saying that I'm not spending enough time with him on my day off. I couldn't even watch TV in the other room in peace because he would want us watching TV together. Even if it was a show he didn't like he would watch it anyway. I mean come on. I couldn't even be on the internet without him saying I rather be on the computer than spend time with him (regardless of the fact that the laptop is in the living room, not even 20ft from where he'd be sitting).
Click to expand...

Girl, you dogged a major bullet. Slowly controlling and monopolizing your time is not a good sign. Good for you girlie!
 
Waymin hold up......where my newports?

*pulls newport out of bra n blazes on up*

are you serious? Like dis is a real situation? Fa real fa real?
So....lemme recap. He's unemployed, broke, done been denied for ssi, livin off section 8, got da gub'ment payin his bills, his dyck even broke, done did a bid, gotta record, death standin in da doorway watchin da clock, and dis bama is bipolar and you only dated him for 5 munts and you tawkin bout some you in love, wanna move in and live off his benefits so u can save money, cuz letchu tellit, u got a good job and yall tawkin bout is love is enough?

Its Sunday and this can't be real.
 
EbonyTresses said:
I KNOW if I stay with him, I would regret it, because I regret getting back together with him on valentine's day after we broke up for the same reasons. I've always had doubts, but sometimes I tell my doubts to hush because I'm like that with everyone I meet. My family always laughs saying that I don't keep them around for long, but how can I when they have issues that im not comfortable with? I guess I need to pick them better, and stop inviting everyone I like to family gatherings, etc.

My father always told me, "Never let your sympathy for a man, outweigh your interest."And at this point...it does. My dad already gave his opinion, "kick him to the curb." lol. I think what makes it so hard for me is the fact that he's my best friend, and vice versa and I don't want to hurt him. He's been in so many bad relationships and he's a good guy. He always says if it doesnt work between us, he's done with dating..and I think he might even consider suicide (he's attempted in his past). Oh yeah...Number 8 or 9 I forget: He's bipolar.

And then it's the fact that he's faithful. I know all men aren't cheaters, but I don't want to let him go for a guy that cheats all time :perplexed
Click to expand...
You should take your father's advice in this situation.

How is he your best friend? How is he a good guy? And who said if you let him go that you would be with a guy that cheats all the time? :perplexed
 
EbonyTresses said:
He talked about how he always has employment in the summertime working at the carnival, renovating houses, etc. I know money is money, but who wants to tell someone that their 40+ year old man works at the carnival.:ohwell: He said he's going to talk to someone at the carnival tomorrow. BUT..he has no money for bus fare, so I said I would take him and give him $100 on friday when I get paid to help him with a bus pass etc, until he starts getting paid. That's not too bad right? I kind of look at it as a going away present?? I feel like at least I'm helping him out a little and not leaving him high and dry.:perplexed
Click to expand...

:perplexed :perplexed :perplexed
What!? Are you serious!? Yes, it's too bad, and no, it's not a going away present. KEEP YOUR $100.00!!!
 
I say give him the money because you already said you would.

I'm sure he is a nice guy in his way, but his comment about no one wanting him is very telling. I keep wanting to ear that he is telling you that you deserve better.

He is using you. And if he ever got on his feet he would start pushing you aside I think. He probably would deny that... But his love is not pure love. He is desperate and you make Jim feel good about himself.

Do what is best for you. Don't let him call you and threaten to kill himself, etc. Don't let him put that on you. Tell him to call his family.
 
ThatJerseyGirl said:
Waymin hold up......where my newports?

*pulls newport out of bra n blazes on up*

are you serious? Like dis is a real situation? Fa real fa real?
So....lemme recap. He's unemployed, broke, done been denied for ssi, livin off section 8, got da gub'ment payin his bills, his dyck even broke, done did a bid, gotta record, death standin in da doorway watchin da clock, and dis bama is bipolar and you only dated him for 5 munts and you tawkin bout some you in love, wanna move in and live off his benefits so u can save money, cuz letchu tellit, u got a good job and yall tawkin bout is love is enough?

Its Sunday and this can't be real.
Click to expand...

:lachen::lachen::lachen:

Girl you never disappoint!!!

But for real, OP, I'm glad you were able to extricate yourself from this sinking ship of a "relationship"...it really was going nowhere fast. I hope you stand by your decision. Should you choose to be there for him as a platonic friend, I hope you are able to do it without letting him make you feel sorry for him to get sucked back in.

As someone said upthread, he would've been long gone if the shoe were on the other foot...men don't put up with a lot like some women end up doing, and they hardly make substantial sacrifices in a relationship (or marriage) like we do.


*****hugs***** it will be ok and you will find someone a million times better that you are more compatible with.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top