IS IT REALLY OVER?

[Likeyouneverseenme]

My roommate is having some SO issues.

Yesterday her and SO had THE talk; the female-perspective talk.
"I feel like you don't appreciate me"
"You are not showing me enough attention"

I can honestly say that the relationship I am in now, I am 100% happy and lack nothing and I never had that thought or conversation with him.

But I remember from previous relationships.
As soon as I uttered those lines, it was the beginning of the end.
And it wasn't the "He has so much on his mind"-distant, because that is entirely different.

I think as soon as you feel like he is not entirely "there" he is zoning out and ready to move on.

What do you ladies think?

 

[blasianbeauty]

Re: IT REALLY OVER?

I don't understand what you're saying. Are you asking because she mentioned that he's changed, that it's over because those words will run a man away?

 

[Likeyouneverseenme]

Re: IT REALLY OVER?

I don't understand what you're saying. Are you asking because she mentioned that he's changed, that it's over because those words will run a man away?

No, not run away, but when you finally let him know that you need more attention, I think that is when you realize that he is not forgetting to show you affection, he doesn't what to because he is slowly drifting away.

That is my experience at least.
I have dealt with some real cowards that just drifted away or totally strayed instead of telling me that we are thorough.
...and then i had to end it...

 

[blasianbeauty]

Re: IT REALLY OVER?

No, not run away, but when you finally let him know that you need more attention, I think that is when you realize that he is not forgetting to show you affection, he doesn't what to because he is slowly drifting away.

That is my experience at least.
I have dealt with some real cowards that just drifted away or totally strayed instead of telling me that we are thorough.
...and then i had to end it...

Ok I see what you mean. It's really hard to say if it's truly over because the woman would have to figure out what's really going on in his mind. He could be stressin over other stuff that makes him check out of the relationship for a little while. But sometimes men are cowards and will mess up on purpose because they are truly done BUT they don't want to be the "bad guy" by breaking up with us, so they pretty much force us to break up with them.

 

[blkbeauty]

Re: IT REALLY OVER?

Ok I see what you mean. It's really hard to say if it's truly over because the woman would have to figure out what's really going on in his mind. He could be stressin over other stuff that makes him check out of the relationship for a little while. But sometimes men are cowards and will mess up on purpose because they are truly done BUT they don't want to be the "bad guy" by breaking up with us, so they pretty much force us to break up with them.

This is VERY TRUE!!! Sometime, especially if a man is not financially set or is working toward fullfilling his career goals, might not always be focused on you, thus me might be in a mental zone, where he is not totally "there". Depending on the man, his values, the relationship, etc will determine if he is worth waiting for or not.

 

[jwhitley6]

Re: IT REALLY OVER?

I agree with you Miss Norway. In my experience, when a man is no longer "there", I don't think it's worth it to even try to get him there. When you have "the talk" he will get defensive and make you think you're trippin' and just selfish. When he get's distant, give him space...then he might start to appreciate what he has, or you might learn that he's not the man you really wanted anyway.

 

[Country gal]

Re: IT REALLY OVER?

I struggled with this recently. She has to decide what she wants and will not live with. I realize I am the type of chick that loves affection and attention from my man. I want to know that I am the center of his Universe. I don't want to beg for his attention. She should tell him how she feels but not preface it with we need to talk because they will tune out. Tell him how she feels and sit back and watch his actions.

 

[Southernbella.]

Re: IT REALLY OVER?

Eh, I've had that conversation with my dh before. Sometimes people just hit a rough spot and don't have a lot in them to give. He could be depressed, or he could just be in selfish mode right now. It doesn't have to spell the end of the relationship.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

Re: IT REALLY OVER?

Eh, I've had that conversation with my dh before. Sometimes people just hit a rough spot and don't have a lot in them to give. He could be depressed, or he could just be in selfish mode right now. It doesn't have to spell the end of the relationship.

I agree.

With men, they tend to "zone out" when they are focused on doing what "they think" will cause them to become a better man for you (focusing on work/school to provide comes to mind), so they can become a better provider/man for you. In the process, it appears as though they've forgotten about you, when they haven't. You will experience this with every phase of a relationship with a man (boyfriend to fiance to husband).

If the relationship is worth saving to you, and you're committed to one another, this is a "slump" that will pass eventually.

 

[1Aleeesha]

Re: IT REALLY OVER?

I agree.

With men, they tend to "zone out" when they are focused on doing what "they think" will cause them to become a better man for you (focusing on work/school to provide comes to mind), so they can become a better provider/man for you. In the process, it appears as though they've forgotten about you, when they haven't. You will experience this with every phase of a relationship with a man (boyfriend to fiance to husband).

If the relationship is worth saving to you, and you're committed to one another, this is a "slump" that will pass eventually.

Yes I agree with this zone out. My husband does it sometimes and when he does I have to remember to give him space... I zone out sometimes too... In fact my husband is in zone out mode right now as we speak lol.

 

[FlowerHair]

Re: IT REALLY OVER?

I agree.

With men, they tend to "zone out" when they are focused on doing what "they think" will cause them to become a better man for you (focusing on work/school to provide comes to mind), so they can become a better provider/man for you. In the process, it appears as though they've forgotten about you, when they haven't. You will experience this with every phase of a relationship with a man (boyfriend to fiance to husband).

If the relationship is worth saving to you, and you're committed to one another, this is a "slump" that will pass eventually.

Very, very true!
I agree with every word you said.
We can't just give up because someone isn't acting the way we want them to right now.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

Re: IT REALLY OVER?

Yes I agree with this zone out. My husband does it sometimes and when he does I have to remember to give him space... I zone out sometimes too... In fact my husband is in zone out mode right now as we speak lol.

It's very important to give them space, I learned this early in my marriage.

When DH comes home from work, I greet him, then I leave him alone. Sometimes he'll start talking right when he walks in the door, and sometimes it could take him a few hours.

I've realized not to take it personal, I know he's not ignoring me, and it provides peace in the relationship.

 

[1Aleeesha]

Re: IT REALLY OVER?

It's very important to give them space, I learned this early in my marriage.

When DH comes home from work, I greet him, then I leave him alone. Sometimes he'll start talking right when he walks in the door, and sometimes it could take him a few hours.

I've realized not to take it personal, I know he's not ignoring me, and it provides peace in the relationship.

Yes last night I had to remember because I was getting ready to be all out for self. Then I took a step back and remembered to let him be... He was in between work outs and he had some books in his hand. So that told me he was going in the basement to finish his work out and then read.

But ya know what, I was thinking... A husband is different from a boyfriend... At such an early stage in their relationship, I don't know what kind of zoning out that man could be doing so that could be a lot different than what we are discussing here.

 

[Sui Topi]

Re: IT REALLY OVER?

I'm going through this with DH too. He decided to go full force into his own business this spring and I pretty much only see him to feed him and before bed. Even last night I was going through some stuff with a friend and this guy was just straight ignoring me. I kind of got mad so I just left the room. Afterwards he came and asked me if I was mad and I was just like more frustrated than mad. He was like why and I was just like well, I wish you would listen to me when I talk, but I guess you have too many things to do. He apologized and kissed me lol and I think that was it.

I so wanted to go off because when I'm having a bad day he still expects me to treat him a certain way, but I can see he is already dealing with a lot of stress and I don't really want to add to it.

 

[LivingDoll]

Re: IT REALLY OVER?

I agree.

With men, they tend to "zone out" when they are focused on doing what "they think" will cause them to become a better man for you (focusing on work/school to provide comes to mind), so they can become a better provider/man for you. In the process, it appears as though they've forgotten about you, when they haven't. You will experience this with every phase of a relationship with a man (boyfriend to fiance to husband).

If the relationship is worth saving to you, and you're committed to one another, this is a "slump" that will pass eventually.

This thread is great. I have always hit these slumps in relationships and made such a big deal of it, it's driven guys away. If I would've left well enough alone (given what you all are saying), the relationships could have probably been salvaged in most instances. This advice is invaluable.

 

[Likeyouneverseenme]

Re: IT REALLY OVER?

This thread is great. I have always hit these slumps in relationships and made such a big deal of it, it's driven guys away. If I would've left well enough alone (given what you all are saying), the relationships could have probably been salvaged in most instances. This advice is invaluable.

You are totally right.
Mis-communication can really kill of any relationship.

 

[skatergurljubulee]

DH and I went through this when we had our son. It was tough when we had our little guy and for three months things were extra stressful in our relationship. But when I just left him alone (I'd go read a book or play Sims 2 to relax instead of expecting DH to entertain me) the situation cleared up in about less than a month! He stop zoning out when I gave him space to get a breather when he got home. Then he stopped needing them after a while and now our relationship is great. DH is the type that needs a moment to adjust to new things but when given a chance he does it relatively quickly (like really quick, actually. lol).
So, I would advize waiting it out for a while and then see where you're at. Just because there's a slump doesn't speak ill for a relationship. It could just mean that you're people. lol We all have our ups and downs.

 

[Sugar Brown]

I've had that "I need you to pay me some mind" conversation with my DH and still wasn't satisfied because I also wanted him to KNOW what was going on with me before I even had to tell him, lol.

I think all women want attention and affection, but sometimes when we're feeling emotionally needy it's a sign that we need to pay more attention to ourselves.

 

[tilati]

DH and I went through this when we had our son. It was tough when we had our little guy and for three months things were extra stressful in our relationship. But when I just left him alone (I'd go read a book or play Sims 2 to relax instead of expecting DH to entertain me) the situation cleared up in about less than a month! He stop zoning out when I gave him space to get a breather when he got home. Then he stopped needing them after a while and now our relationship is great. DH is the type that needs a moment to adjust to new things but when given a chance he does it relatively quickly (like really quick, actually. lol).
So, I would advize waiting it out for a while and then see where you're at. Just because there's a slump doesn't speak ill for a relationship. It could just mean that you're people. lol We all have our ups and downs.

The bolded is my DH too I had a hard time understanding that at the beginning of our marriage

 

[princessnad]

IMO a SO is different from a DH. If he is checking out very early in the relationship or when you should still be having your "honey moon phase" then maybe it's a sign.