Is divorce the NEW norm?

[CurliDiva]

Is divorce the NEW American norm?

As a single, I am looking forward to getting married someday BUT I’m getting depressing at the number of DIVORCES that I see (personal life) or heard about (like celebrity couples).

I understand that divorce is increasing because of several reasons (sexual awareness and explorations, women’s financial independence, childcare, less social stamina, etc) BUT is the idea of a lifelong Marriage just outdated?

This may be hard to answer, but did you get married but felt that your options (meaning DIVORCE) were still open? erplexed

Did you keep something (emotionally, physically, or financially) separate from your spouse just in case things DON’T work out?

 

[CurliDiva]

sorry for the repeat thread - can we erase one?

 

[breezy]

I hope divorce isn't the new norm but it certainly looks that way, doesn't it?

My advice to you is to not let what other people do dictate if you should get married or not. There will always be depressing statistics on the topic, that's why I just ignore them. If you get married for the right reasons and to the right person and you both are looking to build a life and family together, and not just be swept off your feet everyday, then you'll be fine. At least imo.

When my husband and I got married, we made it a point that we don't want a divorce (I know, nobody does) but we got married very young and we knew that the odds were against us, so it's kind of like a "prove them wrong" thing for us. So whatever problems we have, no matter how tough (and we've had some toughies) we've made a vow to work through them, not just run for divorce everytime something gets tough.

With the new advances you speak of such as more financial independence for women and exploring sexuality, I think it makes it even more feasible to have a lifetime marriage w/ someone.

 

[NeeSee]

It seems to be don't it. I didn't know this thread was a repeat.

 

[Hareitiz]

Unfortunately it seems like it is. There used to be a time when a couple got divorced, everyone was shocked.

Now if people get married some people will say, "let's see how long that marriage will last" or they are shocked because some people are still married.

 

[life_is_great]

Unfortunately, it does appear that way. People get divorced for many reasons, some valid, some not so valid. I personally enjoyed being married, I just married the wrong person. Don't let the divorce rate scare you. There are still a lot of happily married people.

 

[Laginappe]

Unfortunately it seems like it is. There used to be a time when a couple got divorced, everyone was shocked.

Now if people get married some people will say, "let's see how long that marriage will last" or they are shocked because some people are still married.

One step further - now if people get divorced its covered on the evening news, the morning news and every entertainment magazine show on the air. They glamorize the divorce as much as they do the wedding!

 

[XXXtacy]

As a married person, I wonder the same things.

Hubby & I have problems and sometimes I think we will never work them out. The couples that counsel us on ways to work through it seem to divorce as soon as we get on solid ground. We in turn try to provide counsel and they don't want to hear it.

As the number of our coupled friends diminish, we wonder why we have stayed together for so long. God has been a rock in our marriage. Loving God and dealing with the changes of your mate are two very different things. We give it our all. This is the best we can do.

 

[StrawberryQueen]

I'm not married but I'll still say my piece. Yes it is the new norm for about 90% of the couples that get a divorce. People don't place the same value on marriage that it should have. Secondly, people are more concerned w/how their mate looks/wears/has that what that person is really like. That's why so few celeb marriages work. They're so concerned with finding an "equal," meaning someone who looks as good as them and has money and connections. That doesn't work. You don't marry someone like that. You marry someone you think you'll be able to stay with and have children with for the rest of your life. Someone you'll be able to take time out of your day and clean up after them when they're sick, hold their hand when they cry, be their rock when they're nervous.

It's not divorce someone when you get sick and tired of someone. Marriage is supposed to be for life, and (most of the time) people are married before God. You marriage is more than just the 2 people, it's also involving the Lord who blessed you covenant. You have a duty to uphold that. People aren't perfect, and certainly this should be taken as "stay married forever regardless of what happens." But people need to realize that it's something that has to be worked on, and you have to make sacrifices. Sorry but you may not get to play Xbox all day anymore. You can't go out to strip clubs anymore if it upsets you wife. You can't blow $1000 on shoes if that money needs to be going into the hosue hold. Sorry, can't take tow month vacations anymore. Who's gonna take care of the kids? These are things people need to realize. Love is not the all conquering force that makes everything perfect.

 

[vickid]

It's funny you bring up this topic. A group of ladies and I are having a discussion of a really great book "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" by Judith Wallerstein (http://www.petersvoice.org/bookmonth7.htm) It discusses in detail the effects of divorce on adult children. Based on 25 yrs of research, this author says that the devastation a child feels during divorce follows them into their adulthood and manifests itself in many ways. It is unfortunate that people get divorced but after reading this book and after looking at my own life as a child of divorce, I realize that people need to look deeply at themselves and their relationships prior to marriage so they don't harm future generations.

 

[CurliDiva]

It seems to be don't it. I didn't know this thread was a repeat.[/quote]

My computer crashed and I posted twice before realizing.

I guess I'm just feeling like many (both male and female) just don't want to stay married anymore!

Couples had "problems or differences" that they worked on - but now it seems so easy to divorce.

The Media has not help, three of my girlfreinds had left or divorced their husbands - 1. cheated with a guy from work, 2. just said she was bored, and 3. confessed that they had not had SEX for 10 years!

Did all of these (otherwise attractive, smart) women marry the wrong guy?

If so, how do I avoid being sweep away by the wrong things while dating?

 

[Laginappe]

It's funny you bring up this topic. A group of ladies and I are having a discussion of a really great book "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" by Judith Wallerstein (http://www.petersvoice.org/bookmonth7.htm) It discusses in detail the effects of divorce on adult children. Based on 25 yrs of research, this author says that the devastation a child feels during divorce follows them into their adulthood and manifests itself in many ways. It is unfortunate that people get divorced but after reading this book and after looking at my own life as a child of divorce, I realize that people need to look deeply at themselves and their relationships prior to marriage so they don't harm future generations.

I've heard that was a great book.

 

[Candiss]

Natural selection. That's all it is. Thinning the herd. Seperating the wheat fr..OH heck, you get the picture. Anyway, marriage is a beautiful thing and it will work out for those who want it if each person in the marriage is willing to work on THEMSELVES to be the best person and spouse God wants them to be. That has always been the case and nothing will change that. So all of the divorces that happen today is a result of one or both parties not putting in the work.

 

[life_is_great]

So all of the divorces that happen today is a result of one or both parties not putting in the work.

ITA. One person can't make it work all alone. It definitely takes two. If my husband had not caused me to almost go into bankruptcy and almost lose everything I probably would have never left him.

 

[blueabyss333]

ITA. One person can't make it work all alone. It definitely takes two. If my husband had not caused me to almost go into bankruptcy and almost lose everything I probably would have never left him.

I hate to use you as an example. And PLEASE don't take this the wrong way because I am familiar with your story for more than what you posted here. But just going by what you said here alone...don't you think that, that's what working through a marriage is all about? I hate to sound insensitive but marriage is a LIFETIME i.e. the REST OF YOUR ADULT LIFE ALL 34509845560 days and bad things ARE GOING TO HAPPEN. People don't go thru adult life on a kite- this INCLUDES bankruptcy. You made the vow to be life partners for bad or for worse, for richer or poorer. But I don't mean physical harm.

I look at a couple I know who've been together 25+ years. That's a long time, yet not half as long as couples I seen growing up married for 50-75 years! Shyt is going to happen in between that time- best believe. I've seen this couple not even kiss or like each other for YEARS at a time. Where one partner financially ruined the other to the point where they're econimically strapped to each other and NOT making any effort to make things better. But does that mean they run off and get a divorce after, even, 15 years? NO because it is a lifetime commitment they made to each other.

Sad enough to say, I look at them and sometimes think I don't even want to get married because I know if that was me- as an X generationer- I would be gone as soon as I hit the lotto. What happened to our morals?

 

[life_is_great]

I hate to use you as an example. And PLEASE don't take this the wrong way because I am familiar with your story for more than what you posted here. But just going by what you said here alone...don't you think that, that's what working through a marriage is all about? I hate to sound insensitive but marriage is a LIFETIME i.e. the REST OF YOUR ADULT LIFE ALL 34509845560 days and bad things ARE GOING TO HAPPEN. People don't go thru adult life on a kite- this INCLUDES bankruptcy. You made the vow to be life partners for bad or for worse, for richer or poorer. But I don't mean physical harm.

I look at a couple I know who've been together 25+ years. That's a long time, yet not half as long as couples I seen growing up married for 50-75 years! Shyt is going to happen in between that time- best believe. I've seen this couple not even kiss or like each other for YEARS at a time. Where one partner financially ruined the other to the point where they're econimically strapped to each other and NOT making any effort to make things better. But does that mean they run off and get a divorce after, even, 15 years? NO because it is a lifetime commitment they made to each other.

Sad enough to say, I look at them and sometimes think I don't even want to get married because I know if that was me- as an X generationer- I would be gone as soon as I hit the lotto. What happened to our morals?

As I stated before, it takes 2 to make a marriage work. I have a child that I have to take care of and when my husband told me that me and my child would suffer, that was it for me. Not only that, but biblically adultery is grounds for divorce. There was also verbal, emotional and some physical abuse. The physical abuse did not begin until 2 weeks before I left. We are all different and some people might be able to handle what I dealt with in my marriage. Unfortunately, I am not one of those people. Furthermore, my husband deliberately tried to destroy me. I could not be with someone like that. He has tried on several occasions to get me fired from my job and this was while we married. He also scratched himself up and called the police and said I did it. Luckily the police officer believed me and did not take me in. I don't know maybe you can live like this, but I can't. I am in therapy now b/c of what I went through with him. Yes I felt bad about getting a divorce, but the moment I left him, I was at peace. And if you are FAMILIAR with my story, you know that I tried to stay with this fool. I finally got the courage and enough self esteem to do what I needed to do for me and my child.

ETA: He also flattened my car tires twice. ANd when I left he told me that if I come into the house he would shoot me and say it was self defense. Everyone else does not understand why I stayed as long as I did.

 

[blueabyss333]

As I stated before, it takes 2 to make a marriage work. I have a child that I have to take care of and when my husband told me that me and my child would suffer, that was it for me. Not only that, but biblically adultery is grounds for divorce. There was also verbal, emotional and some physical abuse. The physical abuse did not begin until 2 weeks before I left. We are all different and some people might be able to handle what I dealt with in my marriage. Unfortunately, I am not one of those people. Furthermore, my husband deliberately tried to destroy me. I could not be with someone like that. He has tried on several occasions to get me fired from my job and this was while we married. He also scratched himself up and called the police and said I did it. Luckily the police officer believed me and did not take me in. I don't know maybe you can live like this, but I can't. I am in therapy now b/c of what I went through with him. Yes I felt bad about getting a divorce, but the moment I left him, I was at peace. And if you are FAMILIAR with my story, you know that I tried to stay with this fool. I finally got the courage and enough self esteem to do what I needed to do for me and my child.

ETA: He also flattened my car tires twice. ANd when I left he told me that if I come into the house he would shoot me and say it was self defense. Everyone else does not understand why I stayed as long as I did.

I understand, that's why I said I was going by what you said here alone b/c I knew there was more to the story.

 

[life_is_great]

I understand, that's why I said I was going by what you said here alone b/c I knew there was more to the story.

Ok. I apologize if I sounded defensive. I didn't mean to.

 

[LocksOfLuV]

I hope divorce isn't the new norm but it certainly looks that way, doesn't it?

My advice to you is to not let what other people do dictate if you should get married or not. There will always be depressing statistics on the topic, that's why I just ignore them. If you get married for the right reasons and to the right person and you both are looking to build a life and family together, and not just be swept off your feet everyday, then you'll be fine. At least imo.

When my husband and I got married, we made it a point that we don't want a divorce (I know, nobody does) but we got married very young and we knew that the odds were against us, so it's kind of like a "prove them wrong" thing for us. So whatever problems we have, no matter how tough (and we've had some toughies) we've made a vow to work through them, not just run for divorce everytime something gets tough.

With the new advances you speak of such as more financial independence for women and exploring sexuality, I think it makes it even more feasible to have a lifetime marriage w/ someone.

Exactly! With anything the negative is always emphasized. EVEEERRRYTHING.

 

[LocksOfLuV]

One step further - now if people get divorced its covered on the evening news, the morning news and every entertainment magazine show on the air. They glamorize the divorce as much as they do the wedding!

Right! A million dollar wedding and dress just for a million dollar custody battle.

 

[Bublnbrnsuga]

Others failed marriages shouldn't reflect yours.

 

[Candiss]

Others failed marriages shouldn't reflect yours.

True, so true. In the end, marriage is one of those things you have to keep from the outside world (symbolically, that is). You can't get caught up in what others are or ARE NOT doing. And you can not live your marriage according to the latest trends, statistics, self-help books, other's advice, etc. People who want their marriage to work need to know that MOST people don't know anything about successful marriages so no wonder most fail. So don't look to anyone else for signs of where marriage is going. Marriage for others can go to hell in a hand basket, that's life. Just make sure you are working to make yourself worthy of the man you want. And when you have him, hold him AND yourself accountable for the life your want together.

 

[Laginappe]

I also think another huge part of the problem is the total lack of community support and mentoring for married couples. If you're married and having problems you get more advice about how to and why you should leave before you'll ever hear anything about working through some issues.

I'm not sure if its more about people in general being truly boggled by the core concepts of marriage or if its more of a "misery loves company" thing. Maybe both?

I think in this day and age mentoring is so important. I think newly wed couples need another more "marriage experienced" couple to hook up with and help guide them through the first few rocky years.

A friend of mine belonged to a church where they had a strong marriage mentoring program. Small congregation, and young couples were matched with older couples and they helped each other out. The older couples helped the younger ones work through marital issues (everything from raising kids, finances, romance etc). And conversely the young couples tended to serve the role of reminding the older ones of what it was like to be newly married.

I wish more churches and organizations would implement programs like this. It seems to work very well for them.

 

[breezy]

I also think another huge part of the problem is the total lack of community support and mentoring for married couples. If you're married and having problems you get more advice about how to and why you should leave before you'll ever hear anything about working through some issues.

I'm not sure if its more about people in general being truly boggled by the core concepts of marriage or if its more of a "misery loves company" thing. Maybe both?

I think in this day and age mentoring is so important. I think newly wed couples need another more "marriage experienced" couple to hook up with and help guide them through the first few rocky years.

A friend of mine belonged to a church where they had a strong marriage mentoring program. Small congregation, and young couples were matched with older couples and they helped each other out. The older couples helped the younger ones work through marital issues (everything from raising kids, finances, romance etc). And conversely the young couples tended to serve the role of reminding the older ones of what it was like to be newly married.

I wish more churches and organizations would implement programs like this. It seems to work very well for them.

I agree. B/C our peers have grown up around the same time and w/ the same media and influences as us, they are more likely to tell you "Girl I would leave...you a strong woman, you don't need him" blah blah blah. What helped me and dh is that his mother took a very actve interest in our marriage and so did our counselor, so we went into our marriage knowing the "real deal" and we weren't expecting perfection or that fairy tale ish either.

The idea of being mentored is a good one to me, b/c it helps to see marriage from a been there done that perspective. Then, when you have that first real fight, you don't run screaming for divorce the first time you disagree.

 

[Laginappe]

And another thing. Another reason I think divorce rates are higher than ever and will continue to climb is that people don't speak when you see friends and loved ones making downright dumb decisions about their marital prospects under the guise of "It ain't my business...who am I to judge?"

Its irritating to me how you can watch a train wreck play out and not even TRY to say something. We've all been there - woman with a full package latching onto her perception of the last fertile man on the planet. Regardless of the fact that he hasn't worked in 3 years, has mutli-kid syndrome, is an alcoholic and has a history of beating his past baby momma's.

Folks watch that, go to the wedding and toast the "happy couple" and say nothing. And I don't think it has to be harsh. But even the basic "I'm going to stand by you whatever you decide but are you SURE this guy is the one you want to marry???" People won't even go that far! I don't get it.

 

[SugarBaby]

And another thing. Another reason I think divorce rates are higher than ever and will continue to climb is that people don't speak when you see friends and loved ones making downright dumb decisions about their marital prospects under the guise of "It ain't my business...who am I to judge?"

Preach, Girlfriend. How many times have I heard this...Its not my business..

 

[breezy]

But sometimes you try to say something and they're not trying to hear you. I tried that once and almost ruined the friendship, b/c who was I to say anything about "her man"...

Oh, and don't be single and try to give some constructive criticism, then it's all b/c "you wish" you had a man like him...

 

[Laginappe]

But sometimes you try to say something and they're not trying to hear you. I tried that once and almost ruined the friendship, b/c who was I to say anything about "her man"...

Oh, and don't be single and try to give some constructive criticism, then it's all b/c "you wish" you had a man like him...

True, but just because you don't want to hear it doesn't mean I shouldn't say it.

The way I see it - 2 situations involving the same couple.

She's the young woman with the bright future. He's Kevin Federline. She's buzzing on the sex and his charm and is not thinking straight. Everyone around her can see this.

Situation A - the folks who are supposed to be closest to her and love her the most pull her aside and tell her point blank that they'll support her but they're worried about her choice. Is she sure SURE???? that this man with all of his baggage is the one for her?

Situation B - The same folks look at the wedding invite, smirk and start the calendar countdown for the divorce. They come to the wedding, eat drink and dance - all the while cutting knowing glances at each other when they see K-Fed humping on a waitress in the coatroom.

IMO at the VERY least with Situation A, the folks have acted like they actually really care about this woman. And may have planted a seed - and you know how sometimes that's all it takes. Sometimes (many!) these women are so caught up in the "I gotta get married no matter what!" desperation that they lose their minds. And a big part of that desperation is to somehow show off to their family and friends. "See! I got a man!!" But, let those same family and friends tell her that they are way underimpressed and sometimes the K-Fed's gleam wears off. If the folks closest to her aren't wowed and amazed by the magnificence of HIM, then why is she???

And granted - this isn't always the case. Sometimes stupid women dig in their heels and choose to go the dramatic Juliet route. That's why I say its important to preface anything with "I'll stand by you no matter what....but because I love you I have to say/ask....."

 

[pureenergy77]

I'm getting a divorce right now. Was married for 6 years and was the type that didn't believe in getting divorced once you're married. Well, I will say that I went through just about everything you can imagine with my X. Still, I tried to make it work (we went to counseling, church programs, etc.). His own mother who had been married for over 30 years even asked me why was I still with him. Anyway, I think the main problem is people get married thinking they can change the other person or they think when they get married the other person will change for the better. My advice is, if the man isn't the person you want in the present, don't marry him. People are unrealistic about what marriage entails. Marriage is hard work and it's not for everybody. People need to evaluate who they are and know themselves well enough to know what they truely want in their lives. Don't get married just because all of your friends are getting married or because your momma thinks it's time! You will end up in divorce if both people don't truely want it and aren't committed to it. The good thing that came from all of this is I learned exactly what I don't want and won't tolerate in a man. I've been separated for over a year and have just started dating again. As soon as I see signs of certain things, I run the other way!

 

[Hareitiz]

Sometimes people don't even look past the wedding day. The idea of the huge lavish wedding, the gifts, the dress, the party, can be the main attraction. After they are married, it's like, now what? I know a couple right now who haven't even gotten their video back from there wedding and they are already separated.