Is divorce the NEW norm?

[Laginappe]

Sometimes people don't even look past the wedding day. The idea of the huge lavish wedding, the gifts, the dress, the party, can be the main attraction. After they are married, it's like, now what? I know a couple right now who haven't even gotten their video back from there wedding and they are already separated.

Every episode of Bridezillas is a perfect example of this!

 

[shahala]

And another thing. Another reason I think divorce rates are higher than ever and will continue to climb is that people don't speak when you see friends and loved ones making downright dumb decisions about their marital prospects under the guise of "It ain't my business...who am I to judge?"

Its irritating to me how you can watch a train wreck play out and not even TRY to say something. We've all been there - woman with a full package latching onto her perception of the last fertile man on the planet. Regardless of the fact that he hasn't worked in 3 years, has mutli-kid syndrome, is an alcoholic and has a history of beating his past baby momma's.

Folks watch that, go to the wedding and toast the "happy couple" and say nothing. And I don't think it has to be harsh. But even the basic "I'm going to stand by you whatever you decide but are you SURE this guy is the one you want to marry???" People won't even go that far! I don't get it.

This is so true. I warned my good friend about her husband to be, listed all the "faults" I saw, and you know what she told me, "It's better to have love and lost, than not to have love at all." I was depressed through out her wedding. Two years later, they were divorced. Among other things, he refused to work through out the marriage.

I think one of the main reasons for divorce is, people are marrying people that they are not compatible with, and many are marrying for the wrong reason. I also think that is one of the reasons many think marriage is hard. It is challenging in many ways, but I don't think a good marriage is supposed to be hard.

 

[pureenergy77]

That's so true Hareitiz. Women grow up dreaming of having a big wedding, but don't really sit back and think about marriage. I didn't even get that though! No wedding, no gifts, nothing. We just went to the justice of the peace and did it. I married him becuase we had been together for a long time and because I was in love with him even though we had major problems. I ignored all of the problems and still got married....boy if I could turn back the hands of time...Don't let love make you a blind fool!

 

[Bunny77]

This is so true. I warned my good friend about her husband to be, listed all the "faults" I saw, and you know what she told me, "It's better to have love and lost, than not to have love at all."

I've heard a number of women make this statement. What's sad about it to me is that they KNOW that this is the wrong man for them, but they don't have the strength to end it and look for someone better or they're scared that this current man is the best they'll ever get.

Slightly off-topic: I'm on another board and a young woman (in high school) posted about her boyfriend who cheats... she was wondering if she should stay. Everyone told her she needed to leave... well she comes back and says that she's choosing to stay because she "loves him" and "it's better to have loved and lost, blah blah blah."

Or my favorite... "I can only focus on today and I've decided that today, I will be with him."

Now she's pregnant. They're still together, but I worry about what will happen in a few months and it hurts my heart to see another promising young woman going down this road because she "loved" some fool... and this is only one example of what women (and some men) do to themselves with this whole "better to have loved and lost" mentality.... I know too many people who have married because they think this way when they KNOW good and well that they are making a mistake.

And none of their marriages lasted past five years.

 

[UmSumayyah]

When I think of "better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all" I always think of being separated by death while still young or still years from death yourself.
Not, "I love him and I''m going to marry him even though I can see the end of the road from where I'm standing."

 

[Bunny77]

When I think of "better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all" I always think of being separated by death while still young or still years from death yourself.
Not, "I love him and I''m going to marry him even though I can see the end of the road from where I'm standing."

GREAT POINT.

It saddens me how folks totally twist the meaning of cliches or Shakespeare (isn't that line from Shakespeare?) to justify their own messed-up situations.

 

[breezy]

Every episode of Bridezillas is a perfect example of this!

Ugh...don't get me started on Bridezillas! Those heffas get on my nerves. I really think that if some of them couldn't have the wedding exactly the way they wanted they wouldn't even get married. DH watched it w/ me one day and said he's never marry a woman who acted like that, he didn't care how much stress she was under.

Did anyone see the episode where the woman(a blonde w/ an accent) was going off about the grooms mother, and actually said something about it at the reception? I give them a year tops before he either leaves her or kills her.

 

[StrawberryQueen]

I've never seen Bridezillas. What network does this come on? I only see Whos Wedding Is It Anyway?

 

[Hareitiz]

I've never seen Bridezillas. What network does this come on? I only see Whos Wedding Is It Anyway?

It comes on the WE (Women's Entertainment) station. It's a train wreck of a show!!!

 

[Laginappe]

Ugh...don't get me started on Bridezillas! Those heffas get on my nerves. I really think that if some of them couldn't have the wedding exactly the way they wanted they wouldn't even get married. DH watched it w/ me one day and said he's never marry a woman who acted like that, he didn't care how much stress she was under.

Did anyone see the episode where the woman(a blonde w/ an accent) was going off about the grooms mother, and actually said something about it at the reception? I give them a year tops before he either leaves her or kills her.

Yes! And did you see how he resorted to telling her to "Shut Up M!" during her rant?

Call me cynical but if your groom tells you to shut up at your WEDDING it doesn't bode well in terms of the possible longevity of your marriage.

 

[breezy]

Yes! And did you see how he resorted to telling her to "Shut Up M!" during her rant?

Call me cynical but if your groom tells you to shut up at your WEDDING it doesn't bode well in terms of the possible longevity of your marriage.

Right!!! And did you hear her mouth??? I'm sorry, I know a lot of women don't get along w/ their MILs, but calling her a b*&%h in fron of other people, and on camers...girlfriend didn't care about anybody but herself. And she took things too far at the reception. DH said he woulda slapped her.

 

[Hareitiz]

On the bridezillas website you can vote for the best bridezilla meltdown!! This one bride said that she hates her husband, she doesn't even like him!!!! That marriage will be over in a NY minute!

 

[2cute2B4gotten]

As I stated before, it takes 2 to make a marriage work. I have a child that I have to take care of and when my husband told me that me and my child would suffer, that was it for me. Not only that, but biblically adultery is grounds for divorce. There was also verbal, emotional and some physical abuse. The physical abuse did not begin until 2 weeks before I left. We are all different and some people might be able to handle what I dealt with in my marriage. Unfortunately, I am not one of those people. Furthermore, my husband deliberately tried to destroy me. I could not be with someone like that. He has tried on several occasions to get me fired from my job and this was while we married. He also scratched himself up and called the police and said I did it. Luckily the police officer believed me and did not take me in. I don't know maybe you can live like this, but I can't. I am in therapy now b/c of what I went through with him. Yes I felt bad about getting a divorce, but the moment I left him, I was at peace. And if you are FAMILIAR with my story, you know that I tried to stay with this fool. I finally got the courage and enough self esteem to do what I needed to do for me and my child.

ETA: He also flattened my car tires twice. ANd when I left he told me that if I come into the house he would shoot me and say it was self defense. Everyone else does not understand why I stayed as long as I did.

I totally agree. I am married but would not stay with someone who treated me that way. I know that marriage is a commitment, but we only get one life to live and I am not going to be miserable for my entire existence because of a commitment I made. Maybe when a person frees themselves from situations like that, God will bring the person who is REALLY meant for you into your life. I do not advocate staying with someone who is hurting you. It is different if they do something wrong, acknowledge it, and then commit to making things right. Marriage is hard enough as it is without one partner deliberately trying to sabotage your union.

 

[mzlatisha]

I dont think it is. The people are just getting married to the wrong people and for all the wrong reasons.
Sometimes they marry way to young and grow out of love with each other.
It happens. I mean there was a time when even though you didnt love that person you still stayed married and together.
Now people just do whatever...they get married and have boyfriends/girlfriends on the side.

i unno...

 

[JFemme]

I totally agree. I am married but would not stay with someone who treated me that way. I know that marriage is a commitment, but we only get one life to live and I am not going to be miserable for my entire existence because of a commitment I made. Maybe when a person frees themselves from situations like that, God will bring the person who is REALLY meant for you into your life. I do not advocate staying with someone who is hurting you. It is different if they do something wrong, acknowledge it, and then commit to making things right. Marriage is hard enough as it is without one partner deliberately trying to sabotage your union.

I agree wholeheartedly with the this post. One life to live people. One precious life... no dress rehearsals...

 

[Laginappe]

Right!!! And did you hear her mouth??? I'm sorry, I know a lot of women don't get along w/ their MILs, but calling her a b*&%h in fron of other people, and on camers...girlfriend didn't care about anybody but herself. And she took things too far at the reception. DH said he woulda slapped her.

Waayyy too far. I watched that thinking - how on earth can she expect a smooth family relationship after humiliating his family like that? And yeah, they were wrong for being that late (we thought our folks had our own schedule for things?) but still.

I think I woulda slapped her too. Or better yet, popped her a good one to knock her out.

 

[Laginappe]

On the bridezillas website you can vote for the best bridezilla meltdown!! This one bride said that she hates her husband, she doesn't even like him!!!! That marriage will be over in a NY minute!

Slightly ignoring what I said earlier about the media playing up divorce as much as the wedding....

BUT sometimes I would really love to see a "Bridezilla's: 1 yr Later!!" show. I think it would be very interesting and telling to see which couples made it to a year, 3, 5 or 10 yr anniversary.

And if that's not possible I'm just curious as to the statistics of those couples. Like out of 20 couples who've appeared on the show, X are still married, Y are divorced...etc

 

[breezy]

Slightly ignoring what I said earlier about the media playing up divorce as much as the wedding....

BUT sometimes I would really love to see a "Bridezilla's: 1 yr Later!!" show. I think it would be very interesting and telling to see which couples made it to a year, 3, 5 or 10 yr anniversary.

And if that's not possible I'm just curious as to the statistics of those couples. Like out of 20 couples who've appeared on the show, X are still married, Y are divorced...etc

I think most of them probably do get divorced, b/c you can tell how some of them are waaaay to into the wedding and not the man. But a few probably will stay married b/c the husband's a re wimps who won't ever set them straight.

 

[LocksOfLuV]

Slightly ignoring what I said earlier about the media playing up divorce as much as the wedding....

BUT sometimes I would really love to see a "Bridezilla's: 1 yr Later!!" show. I think it would be very interesting and telling to see which couples made it to a year, 3, 5 or 10 yr anniversary.

And if that's not possible I'm just curious as to the statistics of those couples. Like out of 20 couples who've appeared on the show, X are still married, Y are divorced...etc

I remember seeing one show where the groom was actually checking out one of the girls from he bridal party and had the nerve to comment "Man, she's HOT!" . IMO that wedding was sooo not gonna last. Plus the bride seemed to be so into the idea that she was gettig married than anything else.

 

[LocksOfLuV]

I'm getting a divorce right now. Was married for 6 years and was the type that didn't believe in getting divorced once you're married. Well, I will say that I went through just about everything you can imagine with my X. Still, I tried to make it work (we went to counseling, church programs, etc.). His own mother who had been married for over 30 years even asked me why was I still with him. Anyway, I think the main problem is people get married thinking they can change the other person or they think when they get married the other person will change for the better. My advice is, if the man isn't the person you want in the present, don't marry him. People are unrealistic about what marriage entails. Marriage is hard work and it's not for everybody. People need to evaluate who they are and know themselves well enough to know what they truely want in their lives. Don't get married just because all of your friends are getting married or because your momma thinks it's time! You will end up in divorce if both people don't truely want it and aren't committed to it. The good thing that came from all of this is I learned exactly what I don't want and won't tolerate in a man. I've been separated for over a year and have just started dating again. As soon as I see signs of certain things, I run the other way!

The best darn advice I have heard all week!

 

[firecracker]

Unfortunately it seems like it is. There used to be a time when a couple got divorced, everyone was shocked.

Now if people get married some people will say, "let's see how long that marriage will last" or they are shocked because some people are still married.

This is sooo sad but soooo true. I want the hands of time to revert back to long lasting marriages. I don't think the concern should be to prove anyone wrong but to just work through issues as they present themselves for the sake of your marriage commitment.

 

[TempleGirl]

It would seem so. I've been married for 15 years now and people look at me like i'm crazy. I married at 22 and stayed married because I found the right person for me. We DATED, let me say this again DATED and had a courtship. Not the crap I see passing now. The "hookups" and "hanging" at each other's house. Jumping into the boyfriend/girlfriend/wifey role way to early into the relationship. Women give all of themselves trying to prove they are wife material and just do way to much for a man who has decided whether or not he will marry you. When you give him your all the first half of your relationship, what more do you have to give him when you are at the 1 year mark or married?

People get married for show now just to say they are married or they play house and get disappointed when all of their work proves fruitless. A close friend in my circle had a brother get married last year to a woman no one liked, not even him. But she was convenient and he married her, a year later they are divorcing and she is eligible to get half of his belongings. A great price to pay for stupidity.

 

[firecracker]

I hate to use you as an example. And PLEASE don't take this the wrong way because I am familiar with your story for more than what you posted here. But just going by what you said here alone...don't you think that, that's what working through a marriage is all about? I hate to sound insensitive but marriage is a LIFETIME i.e. the REST OF YOUR ADULT LIFE ALL 34509845560 days and bad things ARE GOING TO HAPPEN. People don't go thru adult life on a kite- this INCLUDES bankruptcy. You made the vow to be life partners for bad or for worse, for richer or poorer. But I don't mean physical harm.

I look at a couple I know who've been together 25+ years. That's a long time, yet not half as long as couples I seen growing up married for 50-75 years! Shyt is going to happen in between that time- best believe. I've seen this couple not even kiss or like each other for YEARS at a time. Where one partner financially ruined the other to the point where they're econimically strapped to each other and NOT making any effort to make things better. But does that mean they run off and get a divorce after, even, 15 years? NO because it is a lifetime commitment they made to each other.

Sad enough to say, I look at them and sometimes think I don't even want to get married because I know if that was me- as an X generationer- I would be gone as soon as I hit the lotto. What happened to our morals?

Sweetie you are full of ideals now. Once you have worked to achieve and accomplish thing it isn't so easy to allow someone to throw your hardwork in the air with total disregard to the family. I doubt very seriously if divorce came that easy for this woman nor many others. Sometimes it is a last and desperate resort.
I feel what you stated about a lifetime commitment but two people have to be willing to put in the hardwork and God first. That is if they believe and worship the God I know. You can't just talk about and not be about it in a marriage.

I agree with all of what templegirl said.

 

[Nightingale]

NO, I was reading a recent national survey and it turns out nonmarried couples outnumber married couples in the US. People aren't even doing the deed anymore! Thats sad.

 

[MizAvalon]

NO, I was reading a recent national survey and it turns out nonmarried couples outnumber married couples in the US. People aren't even doing the deed anymore! Thats sad.

I read this recently too. They mentioned that in the 60's(I believe?) that something like 80% of people were married.

Now there are more singles than marrieds.