Is being too cautious hindering your love life?

[Kinkyhairlady]

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about relationships and how I regret some of my decisions in regards to people I gave a chance to and others I did not. Some of the ones I did not give a chance to would have been good mates but at times I was so cautious and analyzing things that by the time I decided to give it a chance they had already moved on my friend whose a male said I am way too difficult and that's probably why I'm still single. I started to reflect on that statement and realized that there is some truth to it. Unfortunately I find it so hard to relax and let my guard down. Everytime a man that dated me marries I feel hurt like that could have been me if I was not so scared all the time. I over analyze and I guess men don't have time to waste and move on. I like structure and discipline so I kind of apply that to my relationships. If it seems like he's moving too fast then he's not for me. If I have to form the relationship to make it work than he's not for me. That's my way of thinking. Should I change that?*

 

[LifeafterLHCF]

Be cautious but still a bit relaxed. I know many think you have to be this fun time girl to get married or date but if you feel you can't let your guard down you need to analyze why. Is it the guy or is it something unresolved in you. For all the dudes that have gotten married if it was meant for you with them it would have been. I find that if a person really wants someone they will wait and be patient. If they really don't then they won't. That's my thought and everyone will have different ones. Figure out what you desire and really want and go forth. In time you will be able to relax around the type of man you really desire. Don't over analyze things as it makes it harder than it needs to be.

 

[Fine 4s]

Be cautious but still a bit relaxed. I know many think you have to be this fun time girl to get married or date but if you feel you can't let your guard down you need to analyze why. Is it the guy or is it something unresolved in you. For all the dudes that have gotten married if it was meant for you with them it would have been. I find that if a person really wants someone they will wait and be patient. If they really don't then they won't. That's my thought and everyone will have different ones. Figure out what you desire and really want and go forth. In time you will be able to relax around the type of man you really desire. Don't over analyze things as it makes it harder than it needs to be.

Sometimes folks ain't got time to waste on 'other folk...
KIM. We hear that advice often on LHCF.

 

[CarLiTa]

Yes, being too cautious has definitely hindered my love life.
I've had someone 'be patient' before, but at some costs. Patience doesn't guarantee a flaw-free relationship.
I also don't expect people to be patient... if they want to be, sure. If they don't want to, that's okay too. If they decide to KIM and find someone who is as open as they'd hoped, that's cool... nothing against them.

Similarly, despite the fact that *I* am kind of closed off and hard to get close to, I would tread lightly if I found someone who is the same way... partly because I am looking for balance, and a guy's openness helps *me* to open up, and partly because I would likely wonder whether his lack of openness is him not feeling me enough -- even though I know it can be a personality thing, just as it is for me.

 

[LifeafterLHCF]

Sometimes folks ain't got time to waste on 'other folk...
KIM. We hear that advice often on LHCF.

Very true.Sometimes I find that one may go away but not completely gone. But it can go either way depending on the person.

 

[CarLiTa]

Kinkyhairlady, are you ever honest with a guy about your need to take things slowly?
I really feel that one of the best things we can do is to use our words... Tell others how we feel. Like, "hey, guy, I really like you and I like spending time with you. I have to be honest and tell you that I'm not used to how fast things are going. I need to go slowly to feel comfortable. I want to keep dating yet slow things down a little. How do you feel about that?"

So, he knows where you're coming from. He might be a little taken aback, but he would know the deal, right? And adjust accordingly, hopefully.

 

[Hairsnob]

Unfortunately, you will probably never know if that person was really the one for you because in the beginning people always put their best foot forward so you never hung in there to see if they were true. Just because they marry really doesn't mean he was. You never know, that other woman they married might have been able to deal with some of the things you KNOW you can't handle. For instance it might be your requirement that a man is respectful, there's a mutual attraction, he's financially stable or on his way to be, etc. So maybe the wife is okay with being the breadwinner or tolerates disrespect, etc. So therefore, they were a match.

I wouldn't change the things I require in a relationship. The difference is whether it's an important requirement or something you can overlook if all the other things fall into place. Nobody's perfect. So even if the guys you met were missing your requirements then they just weren't for you.

I'm willing to drop certain "wants" I have for my mate if they check out everywhere else. But I just can't budge on my requirements no matter what anybody tells me.

But I do believe that you have to give people a chance to get to know them before you rule them out completely if it's just something like a "want" that he doesn't have. I have some nerve giving you this advice but I have a hard time doing that myself because I claim everythimg to be a red flag erplexed

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

Kinkyhairlady, are you ever honest with a guy about your need to take things slowly?
I really feel that one of the best things we can do is to use our words... Tell others how we feel. Like, "hey, guy, I really like you and I like spending time with you. I have to be honest and tell you that I'm not used to how fast things are going. I need to go slowly to feel comfortable. I want to keep dating yet slow things down a little. How do you feel about that?"

So, he knows where you're coming from. He might be a little taken aback, but he would know the deal, right? And adjust accordingly, hopefully.

My issue is that I'm way too honest. I do tell them I want to take things slow and they think I'm being to difficult and just move on. I've been burned in the past so I try to be careful but seriously at this point I'm like wow was it all worth it? I'm the one who ends up by herself. Sometimes I get confused like I'm not sure the guy is the right one but I keep him around until I figure things out, that always blows up in my face. I can't commit unless I am certain i want to be with someone. I don't even know how to commit in a normal relationship. I'm always thinking about what if's.

 

[CarLiTa]

Eek, I am the same way. I want to be suuure. And I don't fall easily.
But all that thinking and wanting certainty isn't very good either.
In my last relationship, it was an emotional struggle for me to open up, and it caused a lot of problems early on. Like you, I don't know how to commit either. While I miss being in a relationship, the thought of starting one sometimes gives me flares of anxiety Like, if I commit, lawd, I commit! *heart palpitates*

Hm, sorry, I don't have any advice