Inter Cultural Relationships: Making Them Work?

[Ballerina_Bun]

I just want to read about people here who have been in Inter-Cultural relationships and what you learned?

Did It work?

What’s the secret to success in these types of unions?

Would you do it again?



NOTE: by Inter Cultural, I mean someone from a culture/country different from your own.

 

[jamaraa]

Yes, I've been in ICs several times as I prefer non American men to American ones (I'm a Yank). There's a guy who I still have and open line of communication w/ who's from another country. We've known each other a long time. The issue is if we hooked up, where to live.

Really you just have to figure out when to be flexible and when to be firm. LOL...many times a man will try to run a con on you claiming "culture" when it really isn't (and sometimes if it really is). You have to know your limits and stick w/ them, but still be open to trying new ideas.

I think ICs are easier if you have religion in common even if you don't share mother languages.

 

[daydreem2876]

i have not been in one but I have a friend who has. from my observation, their relationship lacked compromise on either end. i would think this would be especially important in and IC relationship, because of the wider gap of differences due to culture. both had a "my way or the highway attitude" and their relationship suffered.

i also believe that their lack of a common religion also complicated things. i personally believe whatever path chosen to God, it must be shared by your life partner.

than again... both of thes things are needed for any relationship.

 

[GoingBack]

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[Renewed1]

I'm black but I've dated a hispanic and a white guy. I learned its important to respect and understand the differences in cultures/ethnicity. I paid attention to the good and the bad about whites and hispanics; then I paid attention to the guy I was dating to see if he exhibits the "sterotypes".

But I try to date men that have been around blacks; so I'm not stuck representing the black race.

 

[newbiemom]

My family is Jamaican and my dh is from Peru. So it is interesting. We laugh at the things we find we have in common like not holding a baby when your menstrating and compromise on what we don't. Like putting this little bead thing on my sons to ward off bad spirits. I blessed it and put it next to the bible in his crib. We like to learn about different cultures so I think you naturally have to be an open person to make it work.

 

[Ballerina_Bun]

Yes, I've been in ICs several times as I prefer non American men to American ones (I'm a Yank). There's a guy who I still have and open line of communication w/ who's from another country. We've known each other a long time. The issue is if we hooked up, where to live.

Really you just have to figure out when to be flexible and when to be firm. LOL...many times a man will try to run a con on you claiming "culture" when it really isn't (and sometimes if it really is). You have to know your limits and stick w/ them, but still be open to trying new ideas.

I think ICs are easier if you have religion in common even if you don't share mother languages.

Yes, I hear that one as well. Or, he will try to cover up something that he said, by saying he really meant, " XY & Z" and that it was a language barrier. Some men think women are stupid, when really we are laughing at them inside.

 

[Vintageglam]

Yes, I've been in ICs several times as I prefer non American men to American ones (I'm a Yank). There's a guy who I still have and open line of communication w/ who's from another country. We've known each other a long time. The issue is if we hooked up, where to live.

Really you just have to figure out when to be flexible and when to be firm. LOL...many times a man will try to run a con on you claiming "culture" when it really isn't (and sometimes if it really is). You have to know your limits and stick w/ them, but still be open to trying new ideas.

I think ICs are easier if you have religion in common even if you don't share mother languages.

Totally agree with you Jamaraa. My DH is French and I am Nigerian so yes HUGE cultural difference there as I am a very proud Naija Gal. But Ironically that is what he liked most - the cultural dimension. You have to be open to the differences and agree to disagree sometimes. If you don't you will unfortunately reach deadlock. There will also undoubtedly be a period of misunderstandings in the beginning and it is impt not to call "fowl" but rather to keep an open mind and talk and reason things out.

I too also feel that Religion is of HUGE importance. We were both brought up as Catholics. I think this culture thing is a "whitewash" (pardon the pun) for greater and deeper mis-unerstandings and incompatibilities.

At the end of the day I feel your values and the way your were brought up is going to be the far more important determining factor. I feel that me and DH are most of the time on the same page where it comes to values. This what I feel you should focus on just like any other relationship with someone from your own culture. Same rules still apply...

 

[Seraphina]

Yes, I've been in ICs several times as I prefer non American men to American ones (I'm a Yank). There's a guy who I still have and open line of communication w/ who's from another country. We've known each other a long time. The issue is if we hooked up, where to live.

Really you just have to figure out when to be flexible and when to be firm. LOL...many times a man will try to run a con on you claiming "culture" when it really isn't (and sometimes if it really is). You have to know your limits and stick w/ them, but still be open to trying new ideas.

I think ICs are easier if you have religion in common even if you don't share mother languages.

I've had relationships with men from different cultural backgrounds than myself, and was engaged to a Turkish man. I knew it wasn't going to work because he was completely unwilling to compromise. I got fed up with his constant insistence that I behave the way a good Muslim, Turkish wife would behave (don't dress a certain way, don't say certain words, he wouldn't allow me to work)...even though he claimed to be okay with the fact that I wasn't Muslim. The ultimate deal-breaker in the end was that he would harass me for these things, yet he himself smoked, drank, fornicated, etc. Not to mention the fact that he was about to marry a non-Muslim woman. I eventually told him that he had no right to tell my agnostic self to be a good, Muslim wifey if he, as a supposed Muslim, was not even going to follow the same rules.

Let me just say for the record, I do not have a problem or pass judgement on his religion or it's principles. It was his approach with me that became an issue.

It can work and it has worked for me. But both people need to be on the same page and both need to accept the other for who he/she is. If the goal is to change the other person, there will be problems.

 

[Vintageglam]

But both people need to be on the same page and both need to accept the other for who he/she is. If the goal is to change the other person, there will be problems.

Exactly.

Btw the latter point is true for EVERY relationship.

 

[FlowerHair]

Did It work? Yes and no, we broke up, but it wasn't because of the cultural differences (I'm Swedish, he is American.) We were together for 4 years.

What’s the secret to success in these types of unions? Honestly, for me the cultural differences never really played a huge part in our relationship. It was just smooth sailing when it came to that. Sometimes there was a language barrier, but it's kind of convenient to blame any misunderstandings on the language lol.

He has spent many years in Europe so he knows what to expect and I just thought it was fun to learn more about how he grew up and so on. He is very open minded, more so than me.

IMO the differences aren't that huge between Sweden and the USA... I have seen so many Swedish women with African men, so I know how big the differences can be.

Would you do it again? Definately
I actually want that for myself. Bi-cultural is the way to go, for me.

 

[topsyturvy86]

I just want to read about people here who have been in Inter-Cultural relationships and what you learned?

Did It work?

What’s the secret to success in these types of unions?

Would you do it again?



NOTE: by Inter Cultural, I mean someone from a culture/country different from your own.

I've learnt that it's important to really take your time in the beginning or 'getting to know you' stage so as to get to understand the person better and in context of their culture. As Stellagirl76 said "There will also undoubtedly be a period of misunderstandings in the beginning and it is impt not to call "fowl" but rather to keep an open mind and talk and reason things out" - this is very important, sometimes things are not always what they seem (from both sides). Good communication is key.

It is working, and I hope it continues to work. I'm Nigerian originally but don't have a strong culture as my parents are not really of the same culture so never had a dominant culture groing up + I haven't lived there long. I'd say I have a fairly British culture but can easily adapt to any culture. He's Dutch with a fairly strong culture which is in some ways similar to mine and in some ways different but we appreciate each other and our backgrounds and there's no imposing of any one culture. We share the same values and appreciate each other very much.

From my experience, the keys to success are the same as with everyother relationship; mutual respect, trust, love, deep appreciation, and in these instances, what you need more than same culture relationships is good communication, understanding (not jumping into conclusions all the time)and willingness to compromise.

 

[MysteryMe]

I just want to read about people here who have been in Inter-Cultural relationships and what you learned? .Open, honest and humble talking as to your expectations before hand was beneficial for us. As Muslims, it is as simple as running our marriage, and overall way of life in accordance to our beliefs. Both of our cultures take a backseat to our faith and this makes for a harmonious relationship.

Did It work? .Yes

What’s the secret to success in these types of unions? .The fact that we believe and practice our religion the same and avoid cultural influences (from either side) that doesn't coincide with our beliefs. Having said that, we both strive to check the it's my way or the highway type of mentality at the door. If a problem develops, the solution on handling it is always refered back to our beliefs for an answer. We are practicing Muslims.

Would you do it again? .We are committed for life. In the event that things go astray or one of us dies, I would definitely be open to the possibility of inter-culturally marrying again.



NOTE: by Inter Cultural, I mean someone from a culture/country different from your own. .I'm glad you pointed that out because one can be of the same religion and have totally different cultures which can cause problems.

 

[Aviah]

I'm doing it. Its really working. SO is West African (Originally) but has lived in the UK for most of his life. I'm West Indian in background, American (originally) living in the UK. He's been pretty Anglosized, so the differences aren't that huge, but they pop up here and there. A little extra understanding is needed occasionally, but we're happy!

 

[Ballerina_Bun]

I'm doing it. Its really working. SO is West African (Originally) but has lived in the UK for most of his life. I'm West Indian in background, American (originally) living in the UK. He's been pretty Anglosized, so the differences aren't that huge, but they pop up here and there. A little extra understanding is needed occasionally, but we're happy!

Rea-llly ... not to get off topic, but how old were you when you moved there? Are race relations better or worse in the UK? I saw a documentary on tv a few years ago. I've always wanted to ask someone directly.

 

[Vintageglam]

Rea-llly ... not to get off topic, but how old were you when you moved there? Are race relations better or worse in the UK? I saw a documentary on tv a few years ago. I've always wanted to ask someone directly.

I think race is an issue everywhere however I feel (and this is just my personal opinion) that being in diff culture/ race marriage is far easier in the UK than the US. Myself and DH have traveled to the US a few times (NY, Chicago & Vegas) and we definitely exp more curiosity in the US. On occasion I was even referred to as his "friend" despite wearing an engagement & wedding ring (go figure) . It seems that the thought of us being married was implausible. I am not saying that this was the general view, it was definitely the more fringe view but not something we experienced so much in the UK & France.

That said the UK is not some miracle place, we still exp a degree of curiosity but not on the same level and you become accustomed to the sector of society who take issue with it.

I have had the same thing said to me by an American friend and French friend who both now live in the UK. My mother in law has also commented on this fact a number of times and she is white French.

 

[anon123]

I have traveled quite a bit, had many intercultural friendships, and even some dates. But I would not settle down with someone from a significantly different culture from me. I have a hard enough time with relationships. I don't need this extra complicating factor.

 

[bravenewgirl87]

I just want to read about people here who have been in Inter-Cultural relationships and what you learned?

Did It work? Not one yet. I've always dated interculturally. But, I have no choice but to have faith in them.

What’s the secret to success in these types of unions? Be mindful of your differences but don't be naive. People from different countries have different ideas on marriage, relationships and love. They have those that have been indoctrinated by their home country and some by their host country.Also, don't be afraid to throw in the towel. Sometimes, love does not conquer all.

Would you do it again?
I don't have a choice.


NOTE: by Inter Cultural, I mean someone from a culture/country different from your own.

.............

 

[LoveLongLocks]

Did It work? Yes, 2gether 10 yrs and married for 8

What’s the secret to success in these types of unions? Must have respect for one anothers differences. Be willing to compromise on little things, and embrace changes. I do believe that love conquers all b/c love is a choice and a series of actions - not just an emotion.

Would you do it again? Yes.

Side note: It is probably a lot easier just to have a relationship w/ someone that you have the most things in common with - but chemistry is not always easy to find.

 

[loolalooh]

I just want to read about people here who have been in Inter-Cultural relationships and what you learned?
I'm Nigerian American. I've been in a relationship with Black Americans, White Americans, and a White European. I definitely learned what's been said already - that each person has to accept and respect the other's cultural differences. When that doesn't happen, there is no point in continuing the relationship.

Did It work?
Well, none of them resulted in marriage so I guess they didn't work. Lol. J/k.
Each of them didn't work out for reasons other than cultural differences. I did find, though, that my most "successful" relationship was with a White American even though I have more in common culturally with Black Americans.

What’s the secret to success in these types of unions?
One secret is not caring about what other people think or say about your relationship. There are going to be strangers who stare, particularly when the cultural difference is obvious in the physical appearance (i.e., Nigerian vs. White American). There may even be family members who try to dissuade you. (This latter situation has severely hurt my Nigerian bff's relationship with her Black American bf.) If you and your partner are strong enough not to care about what others feel, then that is major step to success.

Would you do it again?
Yes, I would definitely do it again. However, cultural differences sometimes (not all the time) come with religious differences and THAT is something I would do differently. I would make sure my partner and I are similar when it comes to religious beliefs and growth.

 

[jamaraa]

I think race is an issue everywhere however I feel (and this is just my personal opinion) that being in diff culture/ race marriage is far easier in the UK than the US. Myself and DH have traveled to the US a few times (NY, Chicago & Vegas) and we definitely exp more curiosity in the US. On occasion I was even referred to as his "friend" despite wearing an engagement & wedding ring (go figure) . It seems that the thought of us being married was implausible. I am not saying that this was the general view, it was definitely the more fringe view but not something we experienced so much in the UK & France.

That said the UK is not some miracle place, we still exp a degree of curiosity but not on the same level and you become accustomed to the sector of society who take issue with it.

I have had the same thing said to me by an American friend and French friend who both now live in the UK. My mother in law has also commented on this fact a number of times and she is white French.

Race is certainly an issue everywhere. I don't know why some folks think that Europe is color blind or something. On the issue of cultural differences, people of the same race still have cultural issues to work thru in ICs. I can't say its easier than IR either, but everything has it's challenges.