Intellectual stimulation/compatibility...how important is it?

[grow_N_Him09]

I'm actually on a sort of hiatus from dating for awhile until I get some other things straightened out, namely a new job

But, I wonder...

Do men prefer to be "the intellectual," in the relationship or are they more interested in a woman who is smarter than them?

I used to think an intellectual woman may intimidate men. But then I got out of a "relationship," (a "faux relationship," really dude was a complete liar, tried to play me for a fool ) with a guy who was very intelligent and I think he became somewhat bored with me because of my naivete, so to speak. But it was the opposite for me, I enjoyed the mental stimulation I received from him. It was like I learned something new every time I was with him.

I figure in any relationship someone is going to have to "put up," so to speak with their partner being less intellectual. My question is does it work out best if it is the woman or the man doing the "putting up with?"

 

[Tyra]

There's no general rule IMO.
Depends on the person and how much he/she values an intellectual partner.
For some if the other person hits 9/10 of what they are looking for in a mate, and high intellect is not one of them, they compromise. For others- not so much.

 

[cheetarah1980]

There is always the possibility that both parties are equally intellectual. Now one person may be more knowledgeable about certain subjects than the other, but differing intellect doesn't make one person smarter than the other.

To me it's very important to be with a man who can match up with me intellectually. I get bored with dudes who can't keep up with me.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

There is always the possibility that both parties are equally intellectual. Now one person may be more knowledgeable about certain subjects than the other, but differing intellect doesn't make one person smarter than the other.

To me it's very important to be with a man who can match up with me intellectually. I get bored with dudes who can't keep up with me.

^^^Exactly what I was going to say. Both my FH and I are very analytical intelligent people. Our difference? He's more practical and I'm the artsy one. But if he explains a medical concept, as long as he breaks down what it is because I may not have heard of a term I'm there! And I remember everything I read so it's filed in my mental roledex as I call it, and it just pops out at an opportune time.

An example is when my Fh was a medical student (we were friends at the time) and trying to figure out how his research with a rheumatologist would help him in GI (because he wanted to go into GI not rheumatology but his instructor's primary focus was GI). And I was like why don't you just link it through autoimmune issues in GI (something I'd read about and by listening to him talk about medical stuff I just knew how to link them). And he was like DUH! OMG that is so obvious. He kept joking about it, and saying thank you! Because it really helped him to craft the paper in a way that he stood out in applying for GI residency through it being published.

Even his doctor friends (at the time students) were trying to figure out how to link it in a way that he could craft his paper to serve him (and help him so that he could be more appealing in a GI residency). He still talks about it to this day. I guess it boils down to the fact that we're both intelligent and I compliment him, and he me basically.

I define intelligence by more than memorizing, it's being able to take a concept and understand it so that you can utilize it in different ways. Meaning you can hear something completely off the wall and be able to link it in a nontraditional way if need be by understanding the concept inside and out. Basically an intelligent person is also creative. They can use a concept in many different ways.

Basically we're both equally matched intellectually...and we get along fine with each other.

I think everyone should be evenly matched or else it kinda throws things off. But I think it's up to everyone to decide what "evenly matched means" to me I need an intelligent guy or a part of me just dies inside when I talk to them. And I need someone evenly matched in ethics, and also in kindness (because otherwise it becomes give/take relationship). Those are the important matches to me. I guess we also need to be evenly matched on things that matter: raising children, etc. The other stuff can be different (as in the case of me and my FH) but not the major stuff. I just need mental stimulation and compatability on the things that are important.

 

[ambergirl]

I think most men want someone they can talk to at a certain level, but that they want to believe they're the more intellectual/intelligent one, even when all evidence is to the contrary.

 

[NaturallyGraceful]

There is always the possibility that both parties are equally intellectual. Now one person may be more knowledgeable about certain subjects than the other, but differing intellect doesn't make one person smarter than the other.

To me it's very important to be with a man who can match up with me intellectually. I get bored with dudes who can't keep up with me.

ITA. I've had two "dumb" boyfriends that I wound up treating horribly. Their lack of intelligence frustrated me. I know that a man has to either match me or be what I consider as more intelligent than me, which doesn't bother me at all-actually it's a turn on. I find it very sexy.

My ex felt that I was way smarter than him, but I disagreed. Academically maybe yes, but in worldly things and certain subjects, he taught me so much that I considered him the smarter of us two. We would have the best conversations. He liked what I had to contribute & I, likewise.

 

[kismettt]

my man is definitely the intellectual in our relationship. not saying i'm not as smart as him, he just is more well versed in most subjects. we both love to read, but i read mostly fiction, while he reads nonfiction. naturally, he knows more. he also is a sociology & international studies major, i'm business and communications. he teaches me a lot and he recently said he wished i "schooled" him more often

but i also love knowing i can read something most people would find boring/none of my friends would be interested in, and spend the whole night talking to him about it. i also love our discussions about my business plans or pr plans that i write. since he's not studying business/pr, he is always fascinated, and in that way i do "school" him.

i think we both love to learn, and are interested in what the other has to teach us, so it's a pretty good balance, even if he does know more about a greater variety of things.

 

[hasabe]

very

 

[Bunny77]

There will be no "putting up with" in my relationships!

My FH is very intellectual. He is a professor after all.

He told me after we were dating for a while that he was looking for a very intelligent woman. I found that interesting because when I met his relatives, they all mentioned that I was very smart. I was thinking, "What, you're surprised by that?" but then I found out that they thought he was overlooking some nice women just because they didn't fit the intellectual level that he wanted... so the fact that I was "really smart" confirmed to them that he wasn't just being uncessarily picky.

He even told me about how he was in a relationship with a woman in the past who was perfectly nice, attractive and good to him, but he felt something was missing because her knowledge level (compared to what he wanted) was very shallow. He remembered being irritated by some of her conversations and she picked up on it. She was pissed at him for judging her, he was pissed at himself for "putting up with" her when he should have followed his first mind. They broke up.

Anyway, there is a LOT that he teaches me that I don't know, but he always tells me how much I teach and educate him. So although he has more formal education than I do, we have our particular areas of strength that really compliment each other.

Some men might not want that... but I realized those weren't the ones for me.

 

[chocolat79]

To answer the question, it's very important that neither one "puts up with" the other. Otherwise, conversations can become strained, boring, redundant, etc. and that usually doesn't make for a good relationship.

Most of my past BF's have provided some intellectual stimulation in some form. My current SO is very analytical/intellectual like me, but we have our strengths. He teaches me and I teach him. I think in a relationship it's important to be able to relate to one another on the same intellectual level or very close.

Ex. If I use a few "big" words, I don't want to have to stop and repeat the sentence in more basic terms. I've had a few guys I've dealt with (and I mentioned this in prior posts) where I'd use certain words and they'd be like, what does that mean? I'm like The ones I'm still friends with, we have a more "basic" conversation, but I could never date them.

ETA: I love learning so I'd have to be with someone who does as well and is willing to listen to the things I learn and vice versa.

 

[phynestone]

I have compromised on this once and never again. I need the intellectual stimulation. I want a partner that compliments and I him in many ways. If you're going to stay married to someone until death, you might want to think about dating a doozy. Sorry.

 

[Raine054]

It is extremely important to me. If we can't talk about Wittgenstein in casual conversation, I'm not sure its going to work.

 

[ambergirl]

Okay I'm going to play devil's advocate (and mind you, I'm one of those who has intellectual prowess at the tippy top of my man short list!).

Are we really saying that if a man isn't intellectually inclined he's a no go? What about if he is an artisan or just someone who wants to experience life rather then analyze it, are we really saying that wouldn't be good enough? Especially if he loved, respected, and accepted you with all your bookwormish Wittgenstein quoting ways?

I've seen a couple of relationships where the guy admires his woman's intellectual game but it's just not his bag of tricks...so he gives her all the love, support, acceptance, and respect she needs to be true to who she is, but she gets her intellectual fix elsewhere.....why wouldn't that work?

 

[ArrrBeee]

I definitely want a man that shares my love of watching Jeopardy. I need to be stimulated in all areas of my life ,especially mentally.

 

[YankeeCandle]

Okay I'm going to play devil's advocate (and mind you, I'm one of those who has intellectual prowess at the tippy top of my man short list!).

Are we really saying that if a man isn't intellectually inclined he's a no go? What about if he is an artisan or just someone who wants to experience life rather then analyze it, are we really saying that wouldn't be good enough? Especially if he loved, respected, and accepted you with all your bookwormish Wittgenstein quoting ways?

I've seen a couple of relationships where the guy admires his woman's intellectual game but it's just not his bag of tricks...so he gives her all the love, support, acceptance, and respect she needs to be true to who she is, but she gets her intellectual fix elsewhere.....why wouldn't that work?

Good job playing Devil's Ad! The devil must be happy; you're right on the money.

Completely agree with all those who said "don't put up with." "Putting up with" is a fool's game; eventually you will be eaten up with resentment at both your partner and yourself.

But "putting up with" is a little different than trying out something new for you and seeing whether you might find something appealing about it after all. You might date a "non-Intellectual" type and hate it; it would be "putting up with" all the way. No harm, no foul, eh? At least now you know, and can move on to the grad student mixer to find your next date.

Or you might find it's surprisingly appealing.

You might find, for instance, that it's quite charming to have your partner consult you on an arcane topic and ask you to explain your thoughts on it. He nods seriously as you speak and interrupts you only once or twice to clarify a few points. You essentially get to sermonize and lecture to an interested and mentally active audience that has simply never been exposed to a certain school of thought before.

When you have deliciously and fully said your piece, he might say, "You make some good points I never thought about before. For me, I don't know what the authors and professors say about X, but my take on it is..."

And then he wows you with a homespun theory that is all the more impressive because it is entirely cooked up in his brain, and not a clever restatement of theories of Dead White Males he read in his Cultural Studies text back in undergard.

I think it is well to distinguish between "intellect" and "Intellectual" with a capital I. The former is found among all walks of life, and can be amazingly stimulating to interact with when it comes to you in a different form than the package you've worked with all your life.

The latter is a much narrower construct, and the most familiar one to us in Western society. It has its good points and bad points, too.

As always, it really depends on the individual people involved. Even if you are one yourself, not all Intellectuals are stimulating fun to interact with--actually, given the personalities involved, it could be hell on a stick. erplexed Neither will all non-traditional "intellects" light your fire in a way that fulfills your longing for erudite interaction.

I just think it can be beneficial to avoid categorically excluding one or the other before you've had a chance to try either or both.

 

[chocolat79]

Okay I'm going to play devil's advocate (and mind you, I'm one of those who has intellectual prowess at the tippy top of my man short list!).

Are we really saying that if a man isn't intellectually inclined he's a no go? What about if he is an artisan or just someone who wants to experience life rather then analyze it, are we really saying that wouldn't be good enough? Especially if he loved, respected, and accepted you with all your bookwormish Wittgenstein quoting ways?

I've seen a couple of relationships where the guy admires his woman's intellectual game but it's just not his bag of tricks...so he gives her all the love, support, acceptance, and respect she needs to be true to who she is, but she gets her intellectual fix elsewhere.....why wouldn't that work?

Not to put my business out there, but my parents are like this (bolded). My father is a wonderful, wonderful man, but he's not intellectually inclined like that. It has plenty to do with his upbringing and location of his upbringing. My mom is very intellectual. Although my father is one of the most loving, calm, hardworking people I know, there's still that missing "link" in their relationship. It was something my mother yearned for even though she knows my father is a good man. I'm sure she doesn't "regret" marrying my father, but it IS something that she would say is missing in the relationship. Yes, it CAN work, but it's hard to get intellectual fix from someone else. It's that one piece that your partner is missing, yet very important. So my mom and I talk about "intellectual" things. It's somewhat satisfactory, but I'm sure not as satisfactory as if my father were interested in the things she's interested in, intellectually-speaking.

 

[YankeeCandle]

[/b]


Not to put my business out there, but my parents are like this (bolded). My father is a wonderful, wonderful man, but he's not intellectually inclined like that. It has plenty to do with his upbringing and location of his upbringing. My mom is very intellectual. Although my father is one of the most loving, calm, hardworking people I know, there's still that missing "link" in their relationship. It was something my mother yearned for even though she knows my father is a good man.

This is very similar to my parents including the bolded! My father has a professional/graduate degree but he is a workhorse, not a Big Thinker. He is practical, methodical, and does not worry himself about existential questions, cultural nuances, etc. He has "intellect," but no real interest in applying it to "intellectual" questions.

My mother is widely read and has an insatiable Intellectual bent. Like your mother, she gets her "fix" with her children, with her siblings, with theological books and thinkers.

To give you an example, when discussing a movie with my father, we would discuss the acting abilities of the stars, the humor or skill of the script, the costumes, the sets, and, if it's a musical, the songs.

With my mother, we would discuss the representation of minorities and women, the director's unspoken political or cultural "agenda," the use of spritual symbology, etc.

 

[chocolat79]

This is very similar to my parents including the bolded! My father has a professional/graduate degree but he is a workhorse, not a Big Thinker. He is practical, methodical, and does not worry himself about existential questions, cultural nuances, etc. He has "intellect," but no real interest in applying it to "intellectual" questions.

My mother is widely read and has an insatiable Intellectual bent. Like your mother, she gets her "fix" with her children, with her siblings, with theological books and thinkers.

To give you an example, when discussing a movie with my father, we would discuss the acting abilities of the stars, the humor or skill of the script, the costumes, the sets, and, if it's a musical, the songs.

With my mother, we would discuss the representation of minorities and women, the director's unspoken political or cultural "agenda," the use of spritual symbology, etc.

Wow, all this sounds VERY familiar! My mother is a history/archaeological buff and it's just hard, I guess to not really have anyone to share that with. I'm not really into history/archaeology like that either, so I'm sure that's frustrating...

 

[anon123]

Off the top of my head I can't think of anything more important. Well, maybe fiscal stability and responsibility, but it's close!

 

[MissMasala5]

I think an intellectually inclined woman would get bored much faster with a man that is not her equal. I think men, OTOH, wouldn't to the same extent, but it depends on how much he values a woman as his intellectual equal. It seems that men are more forgiving than women are in this regard.

 

[suburbanbushbabe]

I think a man and woman need to be intellectual equals; not necessarily in the same areas. But they should both be stimulated intellectually by the other. For me, this is were sexual attraction starts.