I'm So Stupid....

[poeticmusiqu]

I recently just got out a bad relationship a couple days ago. The truth is I should have left a long time ago. This guy was a total loser and still is but I feel so dumb and stupid for believing and falling for his lies.

For the past yea in a half I have but up with nothing but physical and mental abuse. He has torn down my self respect and esteem and it is really hard for me to star over.

He has never been faithful to me the entire. There has been at least 6 to 7 females. He was living with me for a while and come to find out that he was cheating on me with some girl i knew who i thought i was cool with. I go to work early mornings and every time I would leave he would call her on my phone and talk for hours and invite her while i was at work.

My grandfather died four months go (he had a heartattack in front of me) and he wasn't even there for me. Instead he was with her and then that same night came in drunk and abuse me because I confronted him.

This guy has done so much damage to me it's un real and all the while i stuck with. I was there for him when he's on momma wouldn't deal with him. He's always cheated and even pulled my hair out one time.

But still like a damn fool I took him back. He kept saying that he loved and was going change and I believe him. But just recently I found out that he was with another girl that he have been talking to and he told me that he was just using me this whole time, never loved me, and that it was so easy to find other *****.



I feel so low and stupid for taking a him back. Im crying as I write this now. I never cheated and stood by him thinking he was gonna changed. I don't why i stayed. The only think I can think of is that I had a wonderful man (my finance) and he was killed back and 2005. This guy was the first guy I been with since my finance was murdered and I guess I was looking for what I had with him in this guy.

I don't know what to do. I don't have anyone. I have alinated my entire family for being with this guy and now I am all alone.

 

[sunflower]

oh honey, dear god. The ladies here are really supportive and will give you great advice. All I want to say is please do not take the creep back, you are better than that.

 

[Browndilocks]

That's not true. God was clearly on your side for protecting you during those dangerous and abusive times and He has allowed you to escape worse consequences. You may feel like you have lost but no sister - you just hit the jackpot. I congratulate you on being able to flee from abuse and take control of your life in a positive direction!!!

 

[onelove08]

I feel bad for you. I am glad you had enough courage to leave. Focus on your future and being free of the negative energy he was bringing to you.

 

[DarlingNikki]

I never cheated and stood by him thinking he was gonna changed. I don't why i stayed. The only think I can think of is that I had a wonderful man (my finance) and he was killed back and 2005. This guy was the first guy I been with since my finance was murdered and I guess I was looking for what I had with him in this guy.

I don't know what to do. I don't have anyone. I have alinated my entire family for being with this guy and now I am all alone.

Sweetheart, do not feel dumb. Most women have been caught up in the "I can change him" syndrome. I'm so glad that although you have put up with a lot, you have finally seen the light. The pretenses of which the relationship was built on were false; you were using him to ease your lonliness and he was using you to fullfill whatever his purpose was. He sensed that you were at a low point in your life, thrived on that fact, and took advantage. Just take satisfaction is knowing that Karma is a b!t*h with a good memory; he will be dealt with accordingly at some point in his life. Do not feel that you need a man to make you whole and to make you happy. You need to use this time now to enjoy more "me time" with yourself before thinking about being in another relationship

 

[tiara76]

not stupid mama....don't beat yourself down..you let somebody else beat you down dont take over from him and continue doing it to yourself......you are only human going thru different emotions and experiences and at the present time it may seem like this is the worst thing that could ever happen to you, but in essence these are the types of situations that have the potential to build us even stronger.....the choice is yours to spiral downwards in self pity or look back and appreciate an experience that you went thru that lets you know exactly what you dont' want, are not happy with and who you dont want to be with and who you don't want to be....

so it took you a year and half to step away, thats okay, if thats how long it took for you to realize this isn't it no matter what you thought, believed or hoped for, it doesn't make you stupid for staying......it makes you strong for leaving

as long as you are still alive you are in a great place

what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger unless you let it make you weaker

nobody here on this board or in your family can build you up no matter what we say, the only person at this point who has all the power to lift you up, is you....

you are beautiful, you have experienced tragedies in life.....wounds take time to heal, take all the time you need to get over not only you lost love but also this past relationship....feel all the pain and intend to release it...intend to repair important relationships that have been broken that are beneficial to you...intend to heal and love again and prepare yourself for real love.....again.....it is possible and I have no doubt you will find it

 

[natural2008]

Hey Honey,
Hugs. I am proud of you for getting out of the relationship and will keep you inmy prayers. Will you family be by your side now that he is not in your like? Please do not take him back, please do not and please go and get tested for STD's and HIV since he has been around. We need to get you back healthy mentally and the first step to that was you breaking it off with him and the second was you not letting him back into your life. Girl it seems that it has been a cycle with him since 2005 and he knows a lot about you. He knows which buttons to push to make you mad and what to say to get you back, he knows a lot about you. You deserve much better and can do bad by yourself as my grandmother always says. He is no good for you and abuse of any kind is not good. It is a blessing that you are still breathing because he sounds like he could have killed you during his abuse rants. I know of a few people whose mates have murdered them and it is scary. I would advise for you to get a restraiing order on him, change your locks, girl move if you can becasue he sounds like a very dangerous man. The women here are extremely supporative and are here for you.

 

[ChasingBliss]

I'm so saddened by this entire post. My heart goes out to you. What ever you do please stay away from this man for GOOD! Put him behind you and find ways to heal. You are definitely in my prayers. I'm asking God to heal your heart and make you stronger.

 

[MzTami]

OP....You are not stupid. We have all taken no good losers back in our lifetime.

There's a thread that I started a couple of years ago called "Healing Hearts." There's a lot of great advice, venting, and support in the thread.
Good luck to you and please do NOT take that man back. PLEASE!!!!

Here's the link
http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=112626&highlight=healing+hearts

 

[ThickHair]

1st He is a Muckin Itch Arse, Bastard.

2nd You are alive and you can make better decisions. Call you family and try to make amends. It won't happen quickly but it can be done.

3rd Do not go back to this alleged man.

4th All of us are rooting for you, you can do it.

 

[Paradox]

It's so sad how men will take advantage of such nice women.

 

[MissLawyerLady]

You were NOT stupid; you were vulnerable (after the death of your fiance) and every single human being is vulnerable and acts out of that vulnerability at some time or another.

You are in my prayers. Be encouraged and thank God that you are safe and that you don't have to deal with this sorry person ever again.

I believe that you will be stonger and wiser because of this experience and you will recognize and be so thankful for the REAL MAN that God has ordained for your life.

 

[onyxdreams]

You did nothing wrong, you tried to love someone that isnt ready to be loved.I know it hurts but in time you will feel stronger.Take this time to rediscover who you are.try to reach out to your family perhaps slowly or one person at a time.You are wiser now.please keep away from this man, do not allow him to hurt you any more.Like the ladies have suggested get tested,brush your self off and don't allow him to destroy your spirit.

 

[poeticmusiqu]

Thank you all for the support. I really need the words of encouragement and your prayers.

 

[sharentu]

((((hugs)))) sis dont down yourself. you hold your head up. its a new day and look to seeing beautiful things happen in your life from now on. you survived this pain and abuse. you took your first step by deciding 'no more'. you are not stupid or foolish, you are a beautiful child of God and greatly loved. know this, be encouraged. know that each day will get better, just keep in the direction you are headed. dont look back.

 

[DarlingNikki]

Thank you all for the support. I really need the words of encouragement and your prayers.

I pray things get better for you. I have been in a horrible relationship where I was not physically abuse, but on some level mentally abused....so I feel your pain and what you are going through.

Also, I would like to add that I am so sorry about the lose of your fiance. When you do find the right man for you who treats you like a queen, please, please, please do not make him feel like he is in competetiton with your late ex. This is why I believe that you should not get into another relationship until you have allowed yourself the proper time to grieve your fiance.

 

[NYAmicas]

Co-sign on what all the other ladies have typed. Some of us have been there, done that! Imagine yourself there and do what it takes to get there because the only other place left to go is up!

And I'm so sorry you was hurt like that.

 

[cmperez]

I'm so sorry that you had to deal with all of that. You are blessed that you got out alive. So many women are battered and don't survive. I think it's wonderful that you got up the courage to end it. So what if you feel it took to long. You finally did it! That's all that matters. My sister is in a similar situation only she has two little boys along with her. She feels stupid for staying and even worse for still loving him despite all he's done. I'll tell you the same that I tell her. Don't beat up on yourself and feel dumb. Love really is blind and there are so many things that love makes you do. Don't dwell on the past. Learn from it and move on. Work on you. Take it from someone who has been there. You'll get to a better place but you have to want to. Ending relationships like that are somewhat like experiencing a death. You're in mourning right now... but don't stay there. Don't waste anymore time than you need to on that worthless bum. I'm praying for you.

 

[daydreem2876]

Oh baby doll...

I am not going to tell you to not be sad, so you go right ahead and take some time to have a good cry and get some well needed rest over the next few days. Give God the praise for walking you out of that situation and ask him for his guidance as you move forward.

You are not stupid, most of us have been there. You are wise enough to know that the relationship was not good for you and and strong enough to walk away. Make sure you learn from this experience because there is no need to repeat it. You now know you are worthy of better, you know you can stand up for yourself and don't need any one else to that, and you know how a man is not supposed to treat you. You now know what you need to do in order to not have this happen again and you know to always trust your instincts. Your wisdom makes you smarter than a whole bunch of women who are in your same situation, and who continue to do the same things over again

Your new wisdom hurts a little bit now, but trust me you will be fine and that smile you had before this situation will return to that beautiful face. Remember to pray, because it changes everything!!!!

 

[acooks143]

((((Hugs))) I can only imagine how beautiful your smile will be after this storm has passed....I always tell myself to put 1 foot in front of the other and KEEP IT MOVING....God will walk with you...Just ask him..

 

[kayte]

Thank you all for the support. I really need the words of encouragement and your prayers.

you've got it dear..hugs and sympathy
praying for you

 

[donna894]

Thank you all for the support. I really need the words of encouragement and your prayers.

We're here for you. Please don't be ashamed of what has happened. Situations like this happens to so many. Your intentions and heart were in the right place. Unfortunately, this man was a complete jerk. Now that you've seen the light you can move forward. Our prayers and ears are with you. Please reach out to your folks as well. This is a difficult time for you and you need all the support you can get. You should not have to lose your family because of this worthless man.

 

[caltron]

First of all, you are definitely not stupid. Women, and men, get into situations like this all of the time. Loser men tend to be extremely charming at first, and then show their true colors after you have fallen in love with them. Don't beat yourself up because you fell in love and tried hard to make it work. Also, don't let this experience change the person you are when you do meet a guy worth your time. You don't want to become bitter.

The important thing is that you had the courage and strength to end it and make it better. You may feel that you have been damaged now, but this experience has actually made you stronger and wiser. Look to the future and not the past. Think about what you can do differently when dating this time around.

I was in a terrible, emotionally abusive and unhealthy relationship for 10 years off and on. I got involved with him when I was very young and before I had developed self confidence in myself. It took me 10 years before I was able to cut him off for good. After that, I focused on me and having fun with my friends. I set some clear criteria about what I deserved in a man. In dating I remained the same sweet trusting person I always was, but at the same time became more "selfish". I never went on a date unless there was something in it for me.

It's been a little over two years ago since I've broken up with my ex. After I healed and got over the pain, I can say that this has been the best time of my life and I've never felt so alive. I've met a guy who is everything I've always wanted and needed and someone who has demonstrated I can trust with my life, and we are to be married in less than a month.

Be proud that you have done in 1.5 years what it took me 10 years to do. Many women NEVER are able to take take the step that you have. Keep looking to the future and don't dwell on the past.

 

[missware2003]

The first thing I want to say is that your not stupid. Women are emotional beings and we have a 6th sense that feels the need to help others, no matter the cause.

We have all fell for a man who has done us wrong time and time again. And we all learned from our mistakes. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS and u will be a stronger, wiser and more cautious woman. This relationship has shown you the type of man that you want by giving you someone totally opposite so that in the future you are able to weed out the "no good *****s" Don't take this situation for granted because you will ultimately punish urself in the end for letting him stay so long.....take it as a LESSON LEARNED.

Sweetie, the first thing you need to do it forgive yourself and begin healing from within. I am not sure of what your "getting over a man ritual" is but my is listening to empowering music, being around friends and family or just doing something productive. Secondly, you need to get your family back, your family is your support, if you have to apologize to them, do so, it will show humility. If they start to bagger you about ur past, let them know that you have already beaten urself up already and you need them to just comfort you. We are all human and we have to learn from our mistakes. Finally in a few months when he returns.....and he will return, BELIEVE ME HE WILL, do not entertain him. Don't treat him bad or go off on him or hang up in his face. Be calm about it and let him know that you have moved on and is not interested in him contacting you, treat him like a human being only because he never gave you that option, 2 wrongs never made a right and by being the bigger person, it will make you feel sooooooooo much better.

You are a beautiful woman and ur circumstances are the areas that builds character. If you are ever feeling down and out and feel that you have no one to talk to let me know...through email, IM or whatever because this will be a process and you will need support, you have mine.......