I'm afraid that I have turned into the "bitter black woman"

[FemmeFatale]

I went through a terrible break up this past February and I'm still filled with resentment, anger and hatred, yes hatred. My mood swings have been horrible and I have been treating everyone around me like crap and my patience is at an all time low. I just get sad when I think of all the plans that we had, especially since summer is around the corner. I'm even thinking about canceling my trip to Paris as it'll just be a sore reminder of the breakup, especially since its a romantic city and I'd be the only one going without a partner. I'm just wondering does it ever get better?

I stopped going to church and fell off the gym, I've been avoiding my family as they do nothing but make me feel worse. My friends have been an okay distraction but we're all busy. Alcohol (mainly wine) has been my friend. I've also become a workaholic.

 

[JFemme]

((hugs, chica))

 

[loolalooh]

If you can allow yourself to heal, then yes, it does get better.

It sounds like you're still going through the post-breakup blues, which is normal if the relationship was significant to you. It took me many months to snap out one of my post breakup funks. You are probably just going through one of the grieving stages.

The "bitter black woman" is the type who is still holding onto resentment and anger long (sometimes years) after a broken relationship. She is holding on to it so much so that it has morphed her perception of men and hindered her from experiencing future relationships.

Given that you're asking, "does it ever get better?", it doesn't sound like you've become the "bitter black woman". She would adamantly say "It will never get better". There is still hope for you and your healing.

 

[FemmeFatale]

If you can allow yourself to heal, then yes, it does get better.

It sounds like you're still going through the post-breakup blues, which is normal if the relationship was significant to you. It took me many months to snap out one of my post breakup funks. You are probably just going through one of the grieving stages.

The "bitter black woman" is the type who is still holding onto resentment and anger long (sometimes years) after a broken relationship. She is holding on to it so much so that it has morphed her perception of men and hindered her from experiencing future relationships.

Given that you're asking, "does it ever get better?", it doesn't sound like you've become the "bitter black woman". She would adamantly say "It will never get better". There is still hope for you and your healing.

That's the thing loolalooh, I do look at men differently, especially the black men in my area..honestly I look at them with contempt and disgust.

 

[DarkJoy]

I think many of us go through a period after we've been badly burned where we HATE them. Just...can't stand the sight of ANY man. BTDT myself even when still in a relationship and just pissed at him for whatever.

It does help to let yourself feel it. It also helps to not get angry at yourself for being so dang angry. Also, it might help to reflect on whether all this anger is just this man in particular or if it's a build-up of several bad break-ups or dealings with men. Could be a re-grief of any of those as well...resolving those will help that anger not simmer into resentment. Of course, it all takes time.

So, be patient with yourself.

Hugs to you! I flirt in and out of this all the time, so totally feeling you.

 

[allmundjoi]

I went through a terrible break up this past February and I'm still filled with resentment, anger and hatred, yes hatred. My mood swings have been horrible and I have been treating everyone around me like crap and my patience is at an all time low. I just get sad when I think of all the plans that we had, especially since summer is around the corner. I'm even thinking about canceling my trip to Paris as it'll just be a sore reminder of the breakup, especially since its a romantic city and I'd be the only one going without a partner. I'm just wondering does it ever get better?

I stopped going to church and fell off the gym, I've been avoiding my family as they do nothing but make me feel worse. My friends have been an okay distraction but we're all busy. Alcohol (mainly wine) has been my friend. I've also become a workaholic.

You sound depressed. Which makes mucho sense.

And this too shall pass.

Please get back into life. I know it is hard, but you will regret this time that you allowed despair and hopelessness to gobble up. Rejoin the world. You can do this, take baby steps. Reconnect with your family, friends...yourself. Take yourself to Paris. Make a tight itinerary so there is little room to dwell on things. Try to remember yourself before the breakup.

We have all been there and I know it is not easy.

(((HUGS)))

Eta: Stop drinking. Alcohol.is a depressant, it only hastens the spiral down...and has empty calories that go to your hips.

 

[meesch]

That's the thing loolalooh, I do look at men differently, especially the black men in my area..honestly I look at them with contempt and disgust.

is it just because you broke up and are single now or because he did something that caused the breakup

 

[ChasingBliss]

Please please please KNOW, that no matter how bad you feel right now, it gets better and you will look back on this and be glad it happened.
I always look back in amazement about some of the things I went through. I chuckle and shake my head at some of my behaviors and thinking at that time over some breakup. I remember clearly dying inside because I had broken up with "THE ONE". At the time I never saw myself with anyone else. It hurt so much to think of all the broken plans and dreams. What was worse was watching him move on like nothing. I realized then that I had to take control of my emotions and change my thoughts. I was swimming in my own cesspool and had no one to blame for all that poison but me. Once I realized that I was truly in control I started self talking--my mother taught me that one (plus 1 for her). Keep telling yourself that you are strong, beautiful intelligent --(fill in your own good words)and he just cleared the room for someone better who will come along when the time is right. Initially you wont believe it, it will be all talk, but then you will find yourself acting the part, then BEING the part.

 

[CarefreeinChicago]

I could have wrote your whole post. My strategy is to avoid people at all cost. My life consist of gym,work,studying and therapy.

 

[CarefreeinChicago]

That's the thing loolalooh, I do look at men differently, especially the black men in my area..honestly I look at them with contempt and disgust.

I feel that way sometimes when I see able body men hanging out on the corner not doing **** with their lives, 10 baby mama's and no education. Trying to be thugged out.

 

[Highly Favored8]

FemmeFatale

((((HUGS))))))

Been in your shoes... Feel the pain and cry out those tears.... Find someone you can truly trust to talk to whether counseling, pastor, a good friend. Writing down how you truly feel about the situation...

Always remember "this too shall pass"... All this person did is align you to who you are meant to be with...
"This too shall pass"...


I would not allow anyone and I mean anyone to turn me into a "bitter black woman". This is just too much power being given away to another person. Also, I do not have time nor energy allowing "bitterness" to take away my blessings....
HTH

 

[loolalooh]

That's the thing loolalooh, I do look at men differently, especially the black men in my area..honestly I look at them with contempt and disgust.

FemmeFatale:

I honestly believe you can rise out of this phase if you choose to. I really don't think you've become the "bitter black woman" ... but you may be on the path.

I usually don't get too personal on here, but I might for the sake of helping. I've been at the place you've described. Looking at men with contempt and disgust. Holding onto to pain, resentment, and anger months after the breakup ... mostly pain and resentment. I tried to drown my pain in alcohol. Months or up to a year after my most painful breakup, I isolated myself, and I mean really isolated myself. I made it so that no man would or could approach me. I've dangerously straddled that line between "going through it" and becoming the "bitter black woman".

I don't believe you are there yet, and even if you are dangerously close, there is hope. You can get better. Breakups are hard and suck, especially if you really liked or loved the person and/or he hurt you in a horrible way. However, you have to believe that it gets better. That is the first step to things actually getting better.

 

[FemmeFatale]

You sound depressed. Which makes mucho sense.

And this too shall pass.

Please get back into life. I know it is hard, but you will regret this time that you allowed despair and hopelessness to gobble up. Rejoin the world. You can do this, take baby steps. Reconnect with your family, friends...yourself. Take yourself to Paris. Make a tight itinerary so there is little room to dwell on things. Try to remember yourself before the breakup.

We have all been there and I know it is not easy.

(((HUGS)))

Eta: Stop drinking. Alcohol.is a depressant, it only hastens the spiral down...and has empty calories that go to your hips.

I think I am too and I'm trying to shake myself out of it. I'm going to go for a run and hit the steam room to decompress. I'm also going to try to show more gratitude and start reciting positive affirmations. I need to start taking my vitamins again because I have completely stopped and I think it may be affecting me. I recently started drinking lemon water and started waist training again to jump start my system.

Now it's just my emotions that I need to get a hold of. I feel like I walk around with a permanent frown. Ugh it just feels like I am mourning a death.

 

[FemmeFatale]

FemmeFatale

((((HUGS))))))

Been in your shoes... Feel the pain and cry out those tears.... Find someone you can truly trust to talk to whether counseling, pastor, a good friend. Writing down how you truly feel about the situation...

Always remember "this too shall pass"... All this person did is align you to who you are meant to be with...
"This too shall pass"...

I would not allow anyone and I mean anyone to turn me into a "bitter black woman". This is just too much power being given away to another person. Also, I do not have time nor energy allowing "bitterness" to take away my blessings....
HTH

You make a good point about crying, I never cried because at the time when everything happened I had just had oral surgery and crying wasn't an option. I just suffered from headaches and insomnia.

 

[crlsweetie912]

Maybe what you wrote above is part of the problem. Honestly I think all of this is a pretty normal part of the "mourning" process of your broken relationship.....Maybe you need to talk to somebody and let all of it out? Seems like you've been holding it in and that's what's keeping you at this place. But one thing's for sure, you are NOT alone!

 

[MzLady78]

February wasn't that long ago, it's not surprising that you're feeling this way right now. I'm not going through a break up per se, but realizing (and subsequently trying to accept) that the man I'm in love with will probably never be able to give me the type of relationship I want/deserve. There's days when aside from work, I can't be bothered with anybody. Then there's periods when I'll hang out 4, 5 nights in row just to avoid sitting in house thinking.

I really don't think you're a BBW. The fact that you even started this thread shows a self awareness that I don't think you'd have if that was the case. You just need more time, especially if you weren't able to properly mourn the end of the relationship when it happened.

to you. Just take it one day at a time.

ETA: I also think you should still go on your trip. I've traveled alone and I know how it can be when you see couples everywhere, etc., but the time away might do you good.

 

[Lymegreen]

I've been in this situation and it is HARD. (((HUG))) I spend 3 years mourning and 2 years kicking myself over it. *sigh but in the end I am a better person.

I still love hard.
I still have a tender heart
I still have a grateful heart

Don't let this alter you for the worse. The fact that you realize that you are in pain is probably the first steps to finding your healing and moving on to the best that life has to offer.

 

[sherrimberri]

Do you have time for a book? If you do get "Its called a break up because its broken, the smart girls break up buddy" i read this after a break up and it made me laugh and feel better.

The fact that u ask if it gets better shows that u care about yourself and want to move on. It just takes time.
It will get better and in due time you will look back at this moment in your life and laugh.

 

[alwaysinchrist]

OP I totally feel where you are coming from. When I got a divorce, I felt my whole world collapse around me. My family/friends couldn't and didn't understand how I felt. But with tome it gets better. I have been dating and hitting the gym really hard bc at the end of the day I didn't want him to have that type of control over me.

I still love my black men but I feel disgusted with them at the same time so I totally feel where you are coming from. Take it one day at a time and decrease your alcohol intake bc you dont want to lose yourself in a black hole. Start slowly by going to the gym or take up a hobby. Its ok to allow yourself to mourn bc you need to go thru the process....sending you hugs!!!

 

[PopLife]

I've always heard the best way to get over a man is to get under a new one.
Although I wouldn’t take this statement literally, I do feel like sometimes you have to keep it moving by dating (even if it's nothing serious) so that you aren't so focused on your past relationship and hating men. I def. wouldn't jump back into another relationship (you do need time to heal) but I would never close myself off completely from men either.

 

[SweetNic_JA]

Why exactly are you upset and why are you holding onto that anger?
Are you angry because of what he did to you?
Are you angry because of what he promised you? I.e. Marriage, kids, lifestyle?
Are you angry because of something you did? Angry at yourself?
What would fix the problem for you? Who can fix your problem?
Are you READY to let go of the anger? Are you holding onto your anger because it makes you feel good to be angry at someone over something you have no control of? Do you have control of your anger?

 

[MzLady78]

I've always heard the best way to get over a man is to get under a new one.
Although I wouldn’t take this statement literally, I do feel like sometimes you have to keep it moving by dating (even if it's nothing serious) so that you aren't so focused on your past relationship and hating men. I def. wouldn't jump back into another relationship (you do need time to heal) but I would never close myself off completely from men either.

PopLife, it's funny you mentioned this. I had pretty much said I wasn't going to attempt to date until I figured some things out, but IDK. I'm starting to wonder if I shouldn't be more open to it.

I think my fear is that it'll end up being like putting a band-aid on a bullet hole.

 

[prettynatural]

I understand truly where you are coming from. What has truly helped me is my faith. I had very little but when he decided to marry someone else it killed a part of me. I never experienced so much pain in my life and I think no other pain could have topped it save a death of a parent or child.

I had to do a real inventory of my life and face my fears on truly being alone. That was tough. I had to look at my flaws, that was tough, because I was the "good girl" the "sweet person". I have learned so much from that painful experience. I thought I was going to die. But I didn't die, I survived, I made it!!!

At first, I was angry, ticked off and "woe" was me. I felt so rejected. I did my share of crying but I knew that I did not want to feel the pain and I WANTED my life to be different. So, I prayed and really sought out God. Our relationship was rocky and not the best. I can honestly say, that God really changed and turned my situation around. When I got the call from him, I knew that God was working on something and it hurt me so bad but I learned so much about myself in terms of what I NEED and what I DESIRE in my life. I can say that the hurt, pain, anger, resentment, jealous everything was the BEST thing that has ever happened to me. The outcome was greater than the pain. God had truly delivered me. The miracles and yolks and strongholds where destroyed and I was set free. New mind,new body in a matter of days. It was fast.

Now,I am free to love someone who can love me and most importantly, I am loveable and I deserved to be loved. My faith and strength has been renewed daily.

So, my advice is this. Resentment is like ingesting a poision. The resentment only kills you, not the men, or person who hurt you. Take an inventory of your life, be honest with yourself. Ask yourself what can you learn from this experience? and how do you want your life to be going forward? If you have a spiritual life, get back into it. Seek God in your season. If you dont not believe in God, speak positive affirmations and positive things into your life. Speak good to yourself put good things into the universe. This situation is not about him but about YOU. Focus on you. After time things will get better. I guarantee. You will come out better than you were before you went in.

I suggest the book "Voices of the Heart" by Chip Dodd. This is an awesome book that talks about core emotions with journaling questions to do some self discovery work.

Wishing the best for you.

 

[PopLife]

@PopLife, it's funny you mentioned this. I had pretty much said I wasn't going to attempt to date until I figured some things out, but IDK. I'm starting to wonder if I shouldn't be more open to it.

I think my fear is that it'll end up being like putting a band-aid on a bullet hole.

MzLady78 I really think you have to know yourself. If you're the type that falls for every guy you start dating then I don't think it's a good idea but if not...the best distraction is another distraction.

 

[MzLady78]

MzLady78 I really think you have to know yourself. If you're the type that falls for every guy you start dating then I don't think it's a good idea but if not...the best distraction is another distraction.

I totally agree.

 

[TrueToHair]

I went through a terrible break up this past February and I'm still filled with resentment, anger and hatred, yes hatred. My mood swings have been horrible and I have been treating everyone around me like crap and my patience is at an all time low. I just get sad when I think of all the plans that we had, especially since summer is around the corner. I'm even thinking about canceling my trip to Paris as it'll just be a sore reminder of the breakup, especially since its a romantic city and I'd be the only one going without a partner. I'm just wondering does it ever get better?

GO to Paris. Don't let him control your life. Who is he? Is he cancelling a trip because of you? Go. You won't be the only one without a partner. Every young woman should go. Think about the shopping and other experiences you can have, the pics that can last a lifetime. I know it's easy for other people to say, but in the long run it will be worth it to do what you need to do to cast this man from your thoughts.

 

[LifeafterLHCF]

OP Hugs I know its but you will bounce back. Your a beauitful woman allow yourself to heal,get your tail back in the gym,leave the wine alone,and reach out to only those that add to your life and you add to theirs. Go back to church,dig deep in your bible study and write. Writing has and will be helping me get through some things. That's ole boy's lost. He had top quality.

 

[Belle Creole]

I wish you the best, I offer this to you in hopes that it's a help (Lord knows the women on this site have helped me so many times) If you can go on a prayerful fast. Pray about it first asking God how he'd like you to proceed.

Be blessed Hugs

 

[ElegantPearl17]

Thanks for starting this thread OP. I completely understand where you are and wanted to let you know that you are not the only one with these feelings. I could have written your entire post.

 

[ashleymichelle1]

I'm just here taking notes. My bf of 3 years just broke up w/ me last weekend and we have a 6 mo son on top of everything. I'm hurt & blaming myself for this breakup because I have HORRIBLE Post- partum depression and i feel like I drove him away. I am now living back home w/ my mom and I feel like a ****ing failure.