If your man......

[Charlotte]

If your man was supportive, hardworking, honest and trustworthy but currently makes half as much income as you did would you continue to foot the bill on "x-tras"........ I love going out to dinners,taking short weekend trip, keeping hair/nails done just "treating" myself because I can afford to do so and even contribute to his portion if I choose to!!

He is making every effort to get a better paying job -- but in the mean time should I not go out to dinner and basically stop all the "x-tras" that I DESIRE not NEED because he cannot afford it?

He is the man I want to marry but I find myself resenting him because of this........ I almost feel that I shouldn't stop doing what I want to do because he can't afford it but --- I wouldn't want to go with anyone else or share those moments with anyone else.

 

[TayMac]

I guess I might if I loved him but I doubt if I would get to that point with someone that I had to "carry" financially. That's just not something I want to do.

Nothing wrong with staying with someone and supporting them to they realize their full potential but you need to be able to do it without the resentment.

My mom always told me.."don't start something, you can't keep up" and it applies to many things including relationships. So it's possible he could become complacent in this situation and not want to strive for more.

How does he feel about you paying for extras?

 

[Charlotte]

TayMac - its funny that you ask that! He is very grateful and appreciative of the x-tras but after 5 yrs. into this relationship I'm starting to wonder about his sense of pride ---- at some point shouldn't he decline because I've been footing the bill on the "x-tras" for so long.

I want to believe and have been holding onto that MAYBE if he had the funds then he would treat me to the "x-tras" that I want........

I hope I'm not coming across superficial -- but I'm certain there are plenty of women who would love to be treated!! I want a "partnership" but I wonder if its too late......... like you said he is probably accostumed to me treating the x-tras.

I have invested so much into this man after 5 yrs., I love him so much and we plan to get married within the next few years HOWEVER once he does start making more of an income and things don't change to a "partnership".... sadly but I will have to leave this man the I love so much and invested into!

I just don't understand how he can be so comfortable with me holding it down..... I have started to resent him so much that I dont even want to be intimate with him anymore --- its such a turn off!

 

[Carolina18]

How does he feel about you paying for extras?

Key question. I don't really see what he has to be proud of... I hate making blanket statements, but in such a case, I'd be inclined to think that most responsible, well-meaning men will actually be embarrassed and insecure about not being able to provide for their women and depending on them for stuff like that. Granted, gratitude is great, but comfort is a bit disconcerting, and if after 5 years he sees no problems with things as they are now, I think you're in for a rude awakening when he expects the same after you're married. I think that's enough time to see that the 'maybe' isn't going to manifest into much.

 

[LBoogie]

If you’re beginning to resent him….Then you need to fall back on the marriage talk.

You say he’s making every effort to do better but you also say you question his pride. To me it sounds more like you question his manhood. That in itself can lead to you losing respect for him (if you haven’t already) and cause problems. Respect and security are two of the biggest parts of a marriage. Finances are a HUGE part and finances actually rank higher than infidelity in terms of divorces. SO, if you can’t deal with being the primary breadwinner, you need not be in the bakery. In this economy, he may be looking for a very long time, and worse, if he does find a better job…you get married and for some reason he loses his job and becomes unemployable (disabled, or something of the sort) then what?

You talk about how much you’ve invested in him…marriage is about protecting your investment and any cost.

^Food for thought

 

[LBoogie]

Key question. I don't really see what he has to be proud of... I hate making blanket statements, but in such a case, I'd be inclined to think that most responsible, well-meaning men will actually be embarrassed and insecure about not being able to provide for their women and depending on them for stuff like that. Granted, gratitude is great, but comfort is a bit disconcerting, and if after 5 years he sees no problems with things as they are now, I think you're in for a rude awakening when he expects the same after you're married. I think that's enough time to see that the 'maybe' isn't going to manifest into much.

Maybe he is embrarrassed and feels like crap. Most men also wouldn't let the woman KNOW that...Letting her know that would take even more pride.

Men don’t usually come out and say “honey, can I talk to you about something….I feel like a failure, I’m a rut, I don’t know what to do.”

I’m sure it’s even harder when you have a woman out banking you and in a sense flaunting it.

And I seriously doubt OP hasn’t expressed these concerns and the fact that she’s footing the bill for the “extras” while he’s just chillaxing to HIM.

 

[Carolina18]

Maybe he is embrarrassed and feels like crap. Most men also wouldn't let the woman KNOW that...Letting her know that would take even more pride.

Men don’t usually come out and say “honey, can I talk to you about something….I feel like a failure, I’m a rut, I don’t know what to do.”

I’m sure it’s even harder when you have a woman out banking you and in a sense flaunting it.

And I seriously doubt OP hasn’t expressed these concerns and the fact that she’s footing the bill for the “extras” while he’s just chillaxing to HIM.

I see your point, but I took the OP's last post to mean that he seems ok with it - he expresses gratitude, and even seems rather comfortable letting her foot the bill. I wouldn't expect a guy to go as far as admitting that he feels like a failure, but neither would I expect him to seem evidently comfortable about it. Guys tend to manifest discomfort with a situation in other ways i.e. being stressed, being moody, being distant, or even declining all the extras she is paying for. She said specifically that she doesn't understand how he can be so comfortable about it, which to me indicates that he hasn't shown a remorse or even slight angst about the situation.

 

[Charlotte]

I bring it up a lot more than I probably should --- but its on my mind ALL the time. I had to stop and question my actions. If I have such a problem footing the bill then why do I continue to do so? The answer is becuase I dont feel I should go without because he cant afford it AND I love him and dont want to share it anyone else.

When I treat us to things or buy him something I am sincerely happy and cant wait to see his reaction but after that goes away I'm like damn.... when can I get treated?

I asked a girlfriend what she thought and she said "that's what a strong black woman does -- holds it down until the man can" WTH????? I am not the one then!

I just bought a house in January - due to the econony his job was cut from full time to part time and we just had an agrument about how he needs to bring some groceries, some juice, washing powders ANYTHING when he visits.........

Then I feel bad and selfish ---- how can I expect him to contribute to my household when he is toughing it out - he his own rent/bills to pay...... I have really been tripp'in --- I was actually monitoring how much of MY juice he drinks and food he eats.

I am so angry right now ---- Everything I have done for this man --- I almost feel like I have to stick it out!

 

[LBoogie]

I bring it up a lot more than I probably should --- but its on my mind ALL the time. I had to stop and question my actions. If I have such a problem footing the bill then why do I continue to do so? The answer is becuase I dont feel I should go without because he cant afford it AND I love him and dont want to share it anyone else.

When I treat us to things or buy him something I am sincerely happy and cant wait to see his reaction but after that goes away I'm like damn.... when can I get treated?

I asked a girlfriend what she thought and she said "that's what a strong black woman does -- holds it down until the man can" WTH????? I am not the one then!

I just bought a house in January - due to the econony his job was cut from full time to part time and we just had an agrument about how he needs to bring some groceries, some juice, washing powders ANYTHING when he visits.........

Then I feel bad and selfish ---- how can I expect him to contribute to my household when he is toughing it out - he his own rent/bills to pay...... I have really been tripp'in --- I was actually monitoring how much of MY juice he drinks and food he eats.

I am so angry right now ---- Everything I have done for this man --- I almost feel like I have to stick it out!

The more you type the more I say, if I were you'd I'd deepy re-evaluate what's going on.

It reallllly doesn't seem like your heart is in the same/right place with this one.

I don't understand the bolded...why would you HAVE to stick it out?

I see this ending kinda badly.

 

[Charlotte]

Okay -- let me clarify that statement, LOL.

After 5 yrs. we both have invested a lot into other, taught/learned a lot, have grown a lot and are currently working to better prepare ourselves for a bright and fullfiliing marriage as Mr. & Mrs. Charlotte. And I will not allow another women have my "ready-made" man after all these years. We have supprted each other thru many many things and I NEED to see some progress in the financial area ---- I'm hoping that he just hasn't done the "x-tras" for me because he simply cant afford it not becuase he chooses not to............

I dont want this post to turn into, " Girl - you need to leave him" type thing.. I guess I need to question my expectations.

When we give we dont do it to "receive" but it would be nice to have the treatment return every so often.

 

[Bunny77]

Kind of a tangent, but kinda not...

I never understood this whole, "I've invested so much time in this man so I don't want to leave," idea.

If you were investing in the stock market and kept losing money on one stock, you wouldn't say, "Oh, I've invested so much, I can't take my money out now! I'm just gonna hang on for a few more years and hope that it improves!"

You'd be a dang on fool and then not only would you lose any money you gained, you would have lost your initial investment too hanging onto a bad stock. A good investor would have been got out a LOOOOONG time ago.

Just sayin... and as for being a "strong black woman," you might want to check out the ENT forum and read the thread about black socialites, trophy wives and princesses. Their men are HOLDING IT DOWN, like a man is supposed to do!

 

[Bunny77]

Okay -- let me clarify that statement, LOL.

After 5 yrs. we both have invested a lot into other, taught/learned a lot, have grown a lot and are currently working to better prepare ourselves for a bright and fullfiliing marriage as Mr. & Mrs. Charlotte. And I will not allow another women have my "ready-made" man after all these years. We have supprted each other thru many many things and I NEED to see some progress in the financial area ---- I'm hoping that he just hasn't done the "x-tras" for me because he simply cant afford it not becuase he chooses not to............

I dont want this post to turn into, " Girl - you need to leave him" type thing.. I guess I need to question my expectations.

When we give we dont do it to "receive" but it would be nice to have the treatment return every so often.

Okay, I didn't see this before I posted.

I guess I have a few questions... five years is a long time to be together with no marriage (unless some of those five years were in college) and marriage is not coming any time soon, from what I can tell in your post.

I guess I'm wondering how much is too much. While I can't say that you should just leave, my question is, what benefit are you getting from staying? What is he doing to move this relationship forward?

And I also said this in another thread, but I think women need to cut back on the giving and learn to start receiving more. I absolutely expect that my giving will result in receiving in my relationships, because I KNOW my partners sure expect to receive as well.

If you are not receiving anything from this, are you only hanging on because of the years you've been with him? Because I don't see anything in your thread that suggests there's much to hang on to.

Have you two had a serious sit-down talk about this?

 

[lana]

I'm really not sure why you are getting such negative responses. We all have issues in our relationships that we need to sort out, if a person tells you they have no issues, THEY are probably the issue. (lol)

I think that if a man is working part time then he needs to be working full time point blank! I would not take him out to eat on me or plan events that he can't afford. Go with girlfriends that can afford those things instead. BUT - if you truly love him and want your relationship to succeed, I would definitely do things with him that he CAN afford. Be creative.

Also, be aware that this is something that you may have to deal with long term if you stay with this man. My sister is married to a man who refuses to work full time, he works part time and she works full time and they are struggling, but he doesn't care enough to try harder. I'm married to a man that will go into a deep depression if he DOESN'T have work. But he works in an industry that often lays people off and re-hires them, so it's a constant cycle. What makes it easier on me is that my man insists on paying the bills to the best of his ability. I feel taken care of and that's what counts.

So evaluate the pros and cons and don't listen to bad advice from random people on the internet who can't understand you or your life. No offense to anyone here, we tend to give good advice on LHCF.

 

[Vinillablue]

Listen couples break up over finances, so be very careful!!!!....times are tough!!!....and you don't need to start in the hole of bad drama over money!!!....if in doubt!!!....DON"T MARRY HIM!!!!!
Vinillablue

 

[natural in ATL]

Charlotte, does he make an effort to do "little things" that show his love, appreciation and concern for the situation? I was in this type of relationship a couple of years ago and I was able to deal with it because my SO was very willing to go overboard on the things he could do...i.e. cook dinner and bring it to my house, wash my clothes for me, send me cards/flowers, plan dates that were low cost like a picnic/renting movies/museum/art gallery, designate one night a week to take me out and he paid for everything...

Those efforts - although they didn't cost a lot - meant the world to me and showed me that even though I made more money than he did, he was willing and able to make me feel special through other actions. Hope that helps!

 

[Charlotte]

Thank you, Lana I sincerely appreciate that!

He has been interviewing since he was cut back to part-time. He has been working very hard applying for jobs to get that interview - but as you know there a many, many people looking for employment during these tough times!

He certainly wants to do better but its seems like its not fast enough for me -- call me selfish if you want. I will certainly take your advice about going places he can afford or take girlfriends instead.

After 5 yrs. we are not married because of me. Not to say, your goals/ambitions stop once you become married but there were some things I wanted to accomplish as MS. Charlotte first. I want to become the best individual I can so that together as one we can do and accomplish anything...... growth continues as an individual and as a married couple. I made up my mind a long time ago I would not be a burden to the man that I married and that I would have something to contribute ---- guess I over compensated!!

 

[SvelteVelvet]

Ditto to Bunny's post. I don't believe in investing in a man with my wallet.

I use to have a lacksidasical attitude towards this having dated a few guys that didn't match or come close to my income. In one of my long term relationships, as a matter of fact my very first serious relationship that was leading to marriage, in the beginning he didn't have much money and I treated him to restaurants and activities. But after a few months he started getting several windfall amount checks and he'd do a lot of things for me with his money, at one point he told me he didn't want me to work, or I 'shouldn't have to work'. He was also insecure in this as he mentioned how one of his exes cheated on him and eventually left him for some man she worked with. It's not in me to depend on a man or anyone for anything so I still made efforts to hold a job while with him, regardless of the money he was raking in. We moved alot because of his job and there was one point where I didn't work because the place we moved had very little job opportunities in my field. He also was not good with his money at all, had a very nouveau riche attitude and would make huge huge purchases that weren't a necessity but he'd believe they were and wouldn't listen when I said he could wait on it. And though his checks started out huge, they began to dwindle in the amounts over time. Well when the time would come when we couldn't pay the rent...guess who he started to blame? It was ridiculous because never once did I ask him for money when I wasn't working, nor did I shop, anything he did for me was on his own accord. He was draining his own finances unnecessarily. When I left him I started working again, and he continued and continues to struggle with his finances. That put a little smile on my face.

After that experience I'll never depend on a man, nor will I let a man depend on me financially.

Now for my husband, if something happened where he was in between jobs or having a tough time, it wouldn't even be an issue for me because at that point we are family. But for a new guy I meet in this scenario, there would be a line drawn not only on what we do but our relationship until he gets on his feet.

Some of these men out here are looking for a suga mama on the low. They could be living paycheck to paycheck but believe they deserve an 'independent woman' and ain't too proud to beg either. They try to convince you that you are 'holdin them down' and proving you will be worthy of them supporting you when they get out of their rut. There is no guarantee that man is gonna pay you back with his loyalty, while you are supporting him or even after he's able to support you. They usually act 'brand new'.

There is a level of pride a man should have that will not allow him to let his woman 'support' him. I'm staying far away from a man who is missing this level of 'pride'.

 

[FlawedBeauty]

this statement stuck out to me. sounds like the only reason, although you state others, you are staying with him is because u don't want someone else to have him after all the time u wasted waiting for him to get right. are u just afraid that he will be with another woman and end up doing for her that which he can't do for u? not a good reason to hold on if thats the case as you can find urself someone who can do for u and then some if thats what u really want.

Okay -- let me clarify that statement, LOL.

After 5 yrs. we both have invested a lot into other, taught/learned a lot, have grown a lot and are currently working to better prepare ourselves for a bright and fullfiliing marriage as Mr. & Mrs. Charlotte. And I will not allow another women have my "ready-made" man after all these years. We have supprted each other thru many many things and I NEED to see some progress in the financial area ---- I'm hoping that he just hasn't done the "x-tras" for me because he simply cant afford it not becuase he chooses not to............

I dont want this post to turn into, " Girl - you need to leave him" type thing.. I guess I need to question my expectations.

When we give we dont do it to "receive" but it would be nice to have the treatment return every so often.

 

[Carolina18]

Some of these men out here are looking for a suga mama on the low. They could be living paycheck to paycheck but believe they deserve an 'independent woman' and ain't too proud to beg either. They try to convince you that you are 'holdin them down' and proving you will be worthy of them supporting you when they get out of their rut. There is no guarantee that man is gonna pay you back with his loyalty, while you are supporting him or even after he's able to support you. They usually act 'brand new'.

There is a level of pride a man should have that will not allow him to let his woman 'support' him. I'm staying far away from a man who is missing this level of 'pride'.

My point exactly. I'm not claiming that this is the situation in your case OP, but it's something worth considering. The only one with the prerogative of deciding what constitutes bad advice and what doesn't is you.

 

[neenzmj]

I think this is a big red flag and you need to take some time to be honest with yourself before you continue with your plans for marriage. If you are resentful of the fact that he seems a little too comfortable with you doing the extras, you’re likely to be resentful after you say “I Do” and this will definitely cause problems in your marriage. And, if the fact that he doesn’t make a lot bothers you now, it probably won’t go away just because you’re married – if anything, it will be magnified.

Bottom line: now’s the time to be honest with yourself and make the hard choices, regardless of how long you’ve been together and how much time you’ve invested. None of this makes a difference if you ultimately end up in divorce court.

 

[LBoogie]

I think this is a big red flag and you need to take some time to be honest with yourself before you continue with your plans for marriage. If you are resentful of the fact that he seems a little too comfortable with you doing the extras, you’re likely to be resentful after you say “I Do” and this will definitely cause problems in your marriage. And, if the fact that he doesn’t make a lot bothers you now, it probably won’t go away just because you’re married – if anything, it will be magnified.

Bottom line: now’s the time to be honest with yourself and make the hard choices, regardless of how long you’ve been together and how much time you’ve invested. None of this makes a difference if you ultimately end up in divorce court.

That's the point I was trying to make initially

 

[Bunny77]

Okay, I thought about this a little more.

I think the issue here is that once a man gets used to something, things rarely change. I know an older couple in which the woman made more than the man, and the woman gave the exact same rationale that you did (almost the same words too -- I would have thought you were the same person, lol). She said that she didn't want to miss out on treating herself (and later, her kids), just because her man didn't have the money.

Well, when he did have the money, he spent it on stuff that he liked. So now she's resentful because most of his extra money didn't go to HER (as him making up for the past), but to the stuff that HE always wanted to buy!

Does your man treat himself? When he has extra money, where does it go?

They remained together and are in a very long marriage. She just stuck it out because he was trustworthy, a good father, etc., but she's always been resentful of this situation, but at some point, she decided that she'd made her bed and she had to lay in it... so she continues to spend her money on stuff for her and him so that she can enjoy the things she likes. She's just resigned to it.

If you stay with this man, you have to change things up NOW. If you want to enjoy good things, enjoy them for yourself. Take yourself to lunch, dinner, etc., and don't feel that you need to share things with him just because. He hopefully will get the message that he needs to step up... because in most cases I've seen, if the man is taking for granted what you're doing NOW, he will not change once he makes his money.

Finally... I wonder too if your effort to be the best single you could be before you got married added to this situation... not saying that you should have married this man back in the day, but the more you build up material things and accomplishments on your own (home, car, degrees), the more he is going to look at this situation as, "Oh, she's Miss Independent, she can handle this." I almost wonder if he would have made an extra effort if he felt that you jointly were working toward something together, instead of what developed instead.

Just food for thought.

 

[1Aleeesha]

If your man was supportive, hardworking, honest and trustworthy but currently makes half as much income as you did would you continue to foot the bill on "x-tras"........ I love going out to dinners,taking short weekend trip, keeping hair/nails done just "treating" myself because I can afford to do so and even contribute to his portion if I choose to!!

He is making every effort to get a better paying job -- but in the mean time should I not go out to dinner and basically stop all the "x-tras" that I DESIRE not NEED because he cannot afford it?

He is the man I want to marry but I find myself resenting him because of this........ I almost feel that I shouldn't stop doing what I want to do because he can't afford it but --- I wouldn't want to go with anyone else or share those moments with anyone else.

He sounds like a good man, just broke... Okay 90% of Americans are broke. If he's a good man and just a little poor, I'd say keep him... I earn more than my husband and he just went to get us Pizza & Buffalo wings and I paid so

But honestly, even though I do earn more and it's been this way for years off and on... ALL of his money comes into our house for our family and children and I'm the one with the extras. So I appreciate what he does do. I consider him a great man... Just doesn't make as much money. The way he takes care of me in every other way besides money it's worth it to me... Is it worth it to you?

 

[wonderstar]

If my man is my husband then sure. If not then I'm not paying for every outing.

 

[neenzmj]

If my man is my husband then sure. If not then I'm not paying for every outing.

I totally agree. My husband made half of what I made when we got married, but I knew his character and I knew he was willing to word hard to make more -- and he did.

I've been down the road of putting out most of the cash with someone I was dating. Lesson learned: I would NEVER do it again. Personally, it led to a huge amount of disrespect and resentment for this brotha AND I was pretty ticked off at myself for doing it, too.

Final analysis: Good, hard-working husband: yes. Boyfriend: NO

 

[1Aleeesha]

My hubby made more money than me in the beginning like our first couple of years. I guess it's hard for me to say about a SO all I really know is life with a DH and I know it's different with an SO... DH and I have taken care of each other so much that everything is just worth it at this point.

 

[Renewed1]

Read below

 

[Renewed1]

When I treat us to things or buy him something I am sincerely happy and cant wait to see his reaction but after that goes away I'm like damn.... when can I get treated?

I asked a girlfriend what she thought and she said "that's what a strong black woman does -- holds it down until the man can" WTH????? I am not the one then!

Then I feel bad and selfish ---- how can I expect him to contribute to my household when he is toughing it out - he his own rent/bills to pay...... I have really been tripp'in --- I was actually monitoring how much of MY juice he drinks and food he eats.

I am so angry right now ---- Everything I have done for this man --- I almost feel like I have to stick it out!

The first section.....You are feeling like the MAN in the relationship. If you are doing more for him then he is for you. There has been a role reversal somewhere.

Second section....MARRIED WOMEN hold it down when their HUSBANDS are going through a tough time. As a single woman, you should be there for him to a degree. You do not take care of him, that is not your responsibility.

Third section......YOU WERE IN THE RIGHT!!! He shouldn't constantly eat up your food, run up your bills and not contribute to your household. He's already showing signs that he wants YOU to take care of him and he is expecting it, look at his actions.

Fourth section.....TRUST ME! It is better to get out of a unhealthy relationship at five years than at 10 years. Walk away from the relationship with a learning experience. At this point in your life, you want a man to be at your level and your current boyfriend is not that.

I've been there but instead of dumping my ex at 5 years, I dated him for 11 years and I was the sole provider for much of our relationship.

Once we broke up I had SO MUCH MONEY!!! Because I didn't have anyone who was draining my pocketbook. Also, you may come to resent him for being this way. Which means you may be falling out of love with him.

 

[Integrity]

Okay -- let me clarify that statement, LOL.

After 5 yrs. we both have invested a lot into other, taught/learned a lot, have grown a lot and are currently working to better prepare ourselves for a bright and fullfiliing marriage as Mr. & Mrs. Charlotte. And I will not allow another women have my "ready-made" man after all these years. We have supprted each other thru many many things and I NEED to see some progress in the financial area ---- I'm hoping that he just hasn't done the "x-tras" for me because he simply cant afford it not becuase he chooses not to............

I dont want this post to turn into, " Girl - you need to leave him" type thing.. I guess I need to question my expectations.

When we give we dont do it to "receive" but it would be nice to have the treatment return every so often.

i think you know exactly what to do to be happy but are afraid of losing out on 'your investment'. Be very careful about that way of thinking.

 

[Ms Red]

Being there for him and taking care of him/supporting him are two totally different things.
5 months vs. 5 YEARS are two totally different things.

Think hard about this one...

ETA: As I read more, it seems that if he would put forth more effort in the relationship (not necessarily just financial) and made you feel 'taken care of,' the resentment would not be as strong... What is he contributing to the relationship? It's time for a long talk.