If I Was Needy I Wouldn't Feel So Alone

[ThickHair]

I guess this is more of a vent. A few things have happened in my SO family which was completely out of his control (sister had a heart attack along with other things). He has stepped up to the plate and taken care of some things and he has let other's go.

So I am doing my own thing, going on with my daily and extra circular activities but I do miss him. I haven't been raggin on him because I know it would only lead to more stress on him. I listen to others and I have seen others but it is the the more needy woman get attention from their man. I know I may sound a little selfish but I am thinking if I was the needy type than I would always have my man's attention and he would be spending more time with me.

We talked about this a few days ago and he acknowledged and apologized for not giving me more time and knows that it isn't fair and he promises that I will be the priority, but these unexpected things have been happening and he will make it all up to me. I said "Actions speak louder than words". He was taken aback a little and said that is the truth and he will show me by his actions. He wants me to be patient. Ladies patience is not one of my attributes to be honest. I know that I need to practice a little but I will, but honestly I hate waiting. He also told me how he believes that his family as of late is taking advantage of his kindness and he is going to set everyone straight. He said within the last couple of months his family has just been buggin.

He told me when we met and got together that his marriage failed because he did not pay his wife enough attention and that he told himself that he couldn't let that happen again. As a result his wife left him for another man. I told him that my marriage basically failed because my spouse didn't pay enough attention to me, but I did not step out on him. That just isn't me, so I suffered for 2 years before I called it quits. SO and I were going along fine for a good while then all heck broke lose.

I am considering getting back into the dating game because this is so frustrating, but I don't think I have given it enough time to see where it is going to go and I don't want to act on an impulse because it has only been going on for about 3 weeks. I do like him a lot and I can see myself with him. I am in fight or flight mode because of my history, I am a little scared. I just don't want to scrap this relationship because of the last 3 weeks. Other than not seeing him he has called daily and even sent me little texts to let me know that he is thinking of me. We just haven't been in each other's presence in the flesh.

I went to the mall today to get my eyebrows done and to look for him a Valentine's day gift. I stopped myself short because subconsciencely (sp) I think I am rewarding him for not being with me. Look I give you a gift even though we have not spent any time together. The caring and romantic side of me was looking at that because I want that from him, I want a little token. To be honest I want my arse kissed, lots of jewelry and Godiva chocolates. So I left the store and didn't buy him anything, I went to JCPenny's and got me 2 work purses. (Y'all should check that out, most of their purses are 75% off)

Thanks for letting me vent, I feel so much better. I might be back to add on.

 

[CarLiTa]

I understand how you feel... and frankly have been meaning to start a thread like this, because I feel the same way sometimes.

It seems he is being honest about his situation, and I think you should try to be patient for a while... but I definitely agree... 3 weeks is a long time. If you guys are in the same city, I'd push for him to take a day off from his family and spend that time with you.

Here is a little quote to think about:

"A friendship can weather most things and thrive in thin soil; but it needs a little mulch of letters and phone calls and small, silly presents every so often - just to save it from drying out completely."
~Pam Brown

In your case, the phonecalls and texts aren't enough, and that's understandable. You need a little more than that. I get the same feelings of not wanting to be needy, but I frankly think it comes from a place of insecurity. Plenty of women know how to balance giving their men space and still demanding that affection be maintained. I am too worried about going off-balance.

I say, don't punish him though. I'm not really sure what specific strategy you should have in mind, but if it's possible for you to spend some time together to rekindle the romance, please put it out there and encourage that it be done.
Good luck

 

[daydreem2876]

To me, it seems that you both have an opportunity to grow and learn from this experience, so try to meet somewhere in the middle. You both seem to know the others needs, so dont bail on the relationship without taking the time and give each other the opportunity to show some change. You have said that he continues to communicate with you, and even though it is not enough, it may be more than what he did before. Maybe, this is your opportunity to work on improving your patience.

I have learned that God will give us the same challenges until we overcome them. Most of the time that means handling things differently than we have in the past to to get the desired result.

 

[ThickHair]

Thank you both. I think this is happening for me to learn some patience. I have none and it is known. EVERYONE in my family has told me at different points in time that I need to have patience. Now if it was one person, I would blow them off but people who LOVE and CARE for me are telling me the SAME thing, so it is time for me to start working on it. LOL My family is a little to blame, I am the youngest and you know how the baby of the family can be, I always got my way. BTW I am 37 and it still happens sometimes.

My thought has been, why can't people cater to me sometime. I guess my family has been catering to me my giving in to my impatience and other people can't.

MMMMMMM Food for Thought today.

 

[hopeful]

You don't sound impatient to me. I feel for you. If I were in your shoes I would also feel very alone. How long are you supposed to wait for some attention? Some kisses and hugs? I have found that in relationships something always comes up, there is always some drama, some illness, something, if he neglects you for much longer (even with supposedly good reason) both of you are going to regret it. He needs to find balance.

 

[Divine Inspiration]

How long have you been in this relationship?

I think it's time to practice that patience. Patience, IMO, is a necessary trait to have in a healthy relationship because some things (babies, moving, money, togetherness, weddings, etc) will not always be feasible right now.

What are you expecting of him? You've acknowledged that this is an exceptional time, and this has only been going on for 3 weeks. He has been in touch with you DAILY and has both acknowledged his missteps and committed to change them. What else do you want?

Honestly, you sound a bit spoiled.

And being needy is not the answer. Most men detest needy women...those are the kind that get hit and quit. So, it's better to be honest about what you need and want...and then negotiate from there.

And a Valentine's Day gift is NOT a reward!!!! You should give because you want to give and because you care deeply (or love) him. Giving with a * next to it and a footnote or giving grudgingly is a poor choice. He does not deserve your resentment behind a gift.

You want your arse kissed? Ok...then maybe a serious relationship is not your thing right now. I mean, I get wanting to be adored and looked after, but surely you understand that the ebb and flow of life will require that he tend to other things from time to time. I agree with Hopeful...he needs to find a balance, but he's TRYING...and that, for me, would be enough to stay and help him find that balance with me.

 

[ThickHair]

Thanks ladies, I am listening and I am going to do more work on myself with regards to this patience thing. Right now I so wish it was summer or at least no snow. I live in Pittsburgh and I am going stir crazy sitting in this house, that is all I am thinking about is him and missing him. Snow Snow go away, come back another day How am I going to make it until 6p to see the Steelers beat the Ravens?

MMMMM seems like I need to clean off my car and my sidewalk and be out. I am a bit neverous because on NYE I slide on ice and dented my car. I have never been in an accident before and never had problems driving in bad weather, now I break out in a cold sweat.

 

[hopeful]

...
He told me when we met and got together that his marriage failed because he did not pay his wife enough attention and that he told himself that he couldn't let that happen again. As a result his wife left him for another man. I told him that my marriage basically failed because my spouse didn't pay enough attention to me, but I did not step out on him. That just isn't me, so I suffered for 2 years before I called it quits. SO and I were going along fine for a good while then all heck broke lose.
...

First I wanted to send you a ((((hug)))) and I wanted to note the above bolded. Your man has a pattern of neglecting his romantic partner. You have been married to a man who neglected you in the past so I think you have good reason to be concerned. Did you see him daily up until the past three weeks? Or was it only on occasion? If it was daily, three weeks imo is a long time. I think you should say out loud to him how you are feeling because at some point I think you are going to blow and he will be like what? I thought you were doing okay. Let him know that this is really hard on you. If he cares I think he will make some type of adjustment.

Again, I mean if you two live in the same city and were seeing each other often (but maybe you are long distance idk) something needs to happen. Don't worry about seeming needy. It's okay to miss him and want to be with him. It is easy for men to put us on the back-burner while they are tending to other things. I just hope three weeks doesn't turn into 3 months. I think you two need to really discuss the situation and make a plan on how to handle this. Maybe you two can't see each other as often for awhile but I think you need to set some type of timeline and straight away plan some time together face to face. Maybe you could help him deal with the stuff he dealing with, he doesn't have to do it alone.

 

[ThickHair]

Hopeful, we live in the same city and no we did not see each other daily, more like 3x's per week. I am a grad student and this is the end and I have been doing great so no need to slack, I take my studies seriously and I told him this in the beginning.

Oh, I blew last Saturday, I did tell him out loud what I was feeling and that is when he told me he would make me the priority and the actions speak loud............... discussion happened.

So far as assisting him with the issues there is nothing I can do, I ask and he ask me to please be patient, please please please be patient. He said he has to deal with it in his own way, so I took a step back. Last Saturday he thanked me for being patient with him and he said he knows that he was short changing me and he would make it up, then I blew up. mmmmm

I just miss him, I don't know any other way to discribe it.

 

[hopeful]

I understand. I really hope everything works out.