I love his mother, but want to be with him. (Long)

lady_godiva

lady_godiva

Well-Known Member
I have a friend who I went to the prom with many years ago. He was a senior and I was in the 9th grade. I have been in touch with him off an on for years. He used to be crazy about me, but at the time I was very superficial and had no interest.

He recently had an event celebrating his recent success. He sent me a facebook invitation, but his mother mailed me one. I have not had any face to face contact with him since a year ago when he was a complete jerk. We become facebook friends and he claims he wants to tell me something but never does.

Anyway, I go to the event and I sit with his mom, aunt, and sister. I can tell that he is shocked and surprised. I have done somewhat of a makeover because I am ready to get married. My plans are just to go to the event, leave and go on with life as usual.

After the event is over, I go stand in line to say hello and get his autograph. While I am second in line with his sister, a Becky walks up to him then goes over to his father. It is clear that she is letting me know that his is her man. She has on a beautiful Maxi dress, but her breasts which can be seen through the dress are saggingly flat.

I get to him and he has done a complete 360 from a year ago. He is hugging me tightly and calling me baby. He even kisses me on the cheek. He even writes love on the autograph. Even though I do have a problem of reading into something that may not be there, I leave there and go to a basketball party in hopes of meeting someone.

The next day I e-mail him and ask him did he mean of these things because he has never. I tried calling but he didn't answer his phone and the voicemail as real. So I just think that he did not mean any of it.

About two days later, I get a call from his mom asking me to go to dinner with them to celebrate her birthday. I go. He immediately comes up to me and goes through the same routine as the last time I saw him sans kiss. The mother has saved me a seat next to her. Becky is quite flustered. She doesn't know how to take this.

Mom even laughs at how loud and irritating Becky's laugh is. Becky is trying all she can to win mom over. Becky finally gets up and comes over to me and says, "Hi, I'm Becky. I don't think that we have met." I say nice to meet you and give her my name. Her sister then tells her that I was her brother's prom date. She then tells me that she had to ask someone to take her to the prom her senior year and then she forgot about him later. She then went on to say that no one stays in touch with their old prom date. I then let her know that he asked ME when I was 14 years old. She went and sat down.

Mom is clearly doting on me. She even invites me to another outing the next day. I accept. As I am leaving, mom hugs me and whispers in my ear that she wishes that I was her daughter-in-law. I tell her that things look like it may happen. As I leave, he gets up, hugs me and tells me that he will be in touch.

I hang out with mom and sister today. Mom tells me that she does not want him with any beckies, but that is all that he has dated. She wants to include me in all of the family activities. I am thrilled by this, but really want to be with him too.

Please tell me what you think is going on in this situation? He lives on the other side of the country where Becky lives. I am ready to pack my bags and go because I have known him for a very long time and his family loves me and I love him. Is he serious or what? Am I being presumptious? I know I need to wait to see if he calls and what he has to say. Maybe he was just doing this because he thought I would be jealous of Becky.

Please give some feedback on this.
 
No, No, NO!!!! :nono:

If he had a real interest in you you would know by now. Please do not pack your bags and move cross country on a whim. Nothing in your message indicates he is serious about you.
 
Hmm, has he gotten in touch with you? I don't know, it seems to me he's sending mixed signals, almost playing games. He is with Becky but being rather flirtatious with you. I think you need to talk to him whenever he speaks to you to ask him what does he exactly want? What his mother wants and what he wants may differ greatly.

My thoughts. Do not uproot your life for a dream that isn't for sure. Find out his feelings first. I wouldn't want your feelings hurt if he tells you 'sorry, i didn't mean to mislead you.'
 
It is very telling that he doesn't really contact you. He is not trying to make you his girlfriend and definitely not his wife. How old are you guys? Just wondering how many years has it been since the prom.
 
kriscarp said:
It is very telling that he doesn't really contact you. He is not trying to make you his girlfriend and definitely not his wife. How old are you guys? Just wondering how many years has it been since the prom.
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Thank you. You are so right. It has been over 20 years. He is usually very up front. Maybe he thought I would be upset about Becky.
 
TRUST ME just b/c his mother loves you does not mean HE DOES! You do not pack up your life and go follow a man who just gave you a hug and a smile on a few occasions. The mother may not like Becky (and I figured this out way before I got to the end of the story) but inviting you to events to scare Becky off won't work either.

Her son is grown and has to make his own decisions. If you move across country it is because YOU WANT TO and have a lucrative opportunity across country. Don't move simply b/c a man's mother likes you. Nothing you wrote tells me he is seriously giving you consideration since he hasn't reached out since he has seen you at events.

Don't get caught up in his mother's hang ups with Becky b/c while she is being nice she is simply using you (not in a malicious way) but in a way to discourage her son from being with someone she would prefer he not be with.
 
Some men are naturally flirtatious and perhaps with his newfound success he has newfound swagga as well. Who knows but if he wanted you YOU would know! From him directly.

And again, don't go chasing some man across country who has not even as much as hollered at you besides showing up at family events.

He comes with Becky right? He doesn't come alone knowing you are going to be there so he can have time with you so I would not read too much into it.

EbonyYoungin517 said:
Hmm, has he gotten in touch with you? I don't know, it seems to me he's sending mixed signals, almost playing games. He is with Becky but being rather flirtatious with you. I think you need to talk to him whenever he speaks to you to ask him what does he exactly want? What his mother wants and what he wants may differ greatly.

My thoughts. Do not uproot your life for a dream that isn't for sure. Find out his feelings first. I wouldn't want your feelings hurt if he tells you 'sorry, i didn't mean to mislead you.'
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You're being very presumptuous.

He has done nothing to let you know he's feeling you like that other than a couple of warm hellos and inappropriate flirting. It would be a mistake on an astronomical level to pick up and move to be near him on the strength of a maybe. Not even that.

He is dead wrong, he has a girlfriend. Even if she is white, she doesn't deserve to be played by him or his Mama like that. His Mama may like you but she is wrong for encouraging all this meeting and getting together. It isn't right to interfere in peoples' love lives like that. She may wish you were her daughter and law, but if her son has only dated Beckies all his life that's what the hell he wants.

Please don't let him string you along and play you. Don't get into some sort of misplaced comaraderie with his Mom hoping it will lead him to declare undying love for you and leave Becky. Let it go. Things will happen as they should if you let it alone.

I speak from experience. I let 2 old flames back into my life(I didn't learn the first time) on the strength of some childhood dreams and memories. I got exactly what I wanted. It was a nightmare, jeopardized my marriage, and taught me a hard lesson about who I choose to let back in my life.

Please don't move out there. Really think before you pursue this.
 
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CurleeDST said:
TRUST ME just b/c his mother loves you does not mean HE DOES! You do not pack up your life and go follow a man who just gave you a hug and a smile on a few occasions. The mother may not like Becky (and I figured this out way before I got to the end of the story) but inviting you to events to scare Becky off won't work either.

Her son is grown and has to make his own decisions. If you move across country it is because YOU WANT TO and have a lucrative opportunity across country. Don't move simply b/c a man's mother likes you. Nothing you wrote tells me he is seriously giving you consideration since he hasn't reached out since he has seen you at events.

Don't get caught up in his mother's hang ups with Becky b/c while she is being nice she is simply using you (not in a malicious way) but in a way to discourage her son from being with someone she would prefer he not be with.
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I will only move if he married me. There is no way I will leave all that I have built for a man that is possibly not interested in me.
 
He's not interested and neither is his mother. His mother doesn't like Becky and it really seems like she's using you.

Please, let these people go. Nothing is right about this.
 
He has not given you any true hints that he is interested IMO....his mother is using you. Why would you want to pack your bags for a man that has not shown any interest in you? Because he wrote "love" and gave you a kiss does not mean ANYTHING.
 
I am surprised that his mom is still trying to manipulate him even though he is in his late 30s. Even if you two were to get together (doubtful at this point), she would probably turn into your worst nightmare if you don't comply with her demands.
 
Phew ok...I was concerned there for a minute. You had me thinking you were already packed and just waiting for the phone to ring with him on the other end.

lady_godiva said:
I will only move if he married me. There is no way I will leave all that I have built for a man that is possibly not interested in me.
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lady_godiva said:
I will only move if he married me. There is no way I will leave all that I have built for a man that is possibly not interested in me.
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Then I misunderstood?

" I am ready to pack my bags and go because I have known him for a very long time and his family loves me and I love him."


 
lady_godiva said:
I will only move if he married me. There is no way I will leave all that I have built for a man that is possibly not interested in me.
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In your original thread you said you were ready to pack your bags. What makes you think he is thinking of marriage + you?

Please please be careful op. It seems you have this emotional attachment and are kind of hanging on to the mom to reinforce what you "think" is going on here. Think with your head and not with your heart on this one and see if you still come up with the same answer.

Sometimes we (myself definitely included lol) look at little things and think they are signs that 2+3 has to equal 4. Unfortunately we end up in a not so good place more often than not.

Just be careful :hug2:
 
lady_godiva said:
Thank you. You are so right. It has been over 20 years. He is usually very up front. Maybe he thought I would be upset about Becky.
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It seems like his mother's tactics worked well on you, but obviously not on him. Why do you think he even thought you'd be upset about his girlfriend? It's been 20 years and you've only remained friendly off and on. I definitely think you're reading into it (whatever it is) too much and the mother's actions have a lot to do with it.

This woman is manipulative. This situation is beyond weird.
 
You guys have really made me feel better. I started feeling depressed after I left the mother. I do not like to keep things in my life that will bring me down. I feel like I do need to stop going around his family because it makes me think of being with him. I do need to cut everybody off completely.
 
Tarae said:
It seems like his mother's tactics worked well on you, but obviously not on him. Why do you think he even thought you'd be upset about his girlfriend? It's been 20 years and you've only remained friendly off and on. I definitely think you're reading into it (whatever it is) too much and the mother's actions have a lot to do with it.

This woman is manipulative. This situation is beyond weird.
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That made me laugh. :look:
 
I'm glad you're gonna leave that alone. He sounds weird. So does his mama. Please don't feed into them :lachen: They sound like a mild version of "The Family That Preys" lolol
 
wow @ you and mom

He has a girlfriend. If he was so interested he would find himself SINGLE and then contact you
 
OP, I am sorry to say that it has very little bearing on him that his mom likes you , if she truly does. It seems that you are deeply invested in this on a level that is not healthy. Even if this man appeared with a ring , would you really want to marry someone who is manipulating you this way? He may like you or even love you but be the sort of man who'll only be seen with a "Becky" on his arm regardless of his true feelings for a black woman, sadly. From what you wrote, I think he may be the type who feels that ww are a status symbol and though he may deep down love black women , he has to be seen by the world with a white one :nono:. You can do better than this. You seem over invested in this, if you cant just let it go, then maybe you should just flat out ask him where you stand and get your answer and let him know that youre gone forever if hes leading you on. ...
 
Also, there is not much details of as to why you think you love him. I know ya'll have known each other for a long time, but you didn't like him before and now bam, after off and ons, you love him? If it were me, I would feel the same way you do, but it does not mean that it really is love. There is nothing there that shows healthy love even from your side. You talked about Becky's granny boobs and how unappealing she was and I think you like the "positive changes" in his life and I you would like for him to choose you over him just for the sake of the battle. I honestly don't see genuine love and us women love the battle. He was a jerk then and he still is a jerk, but somehow he just sooo attractive now and "husband material!" Assess why you have these strong feelings first because I don't think it is love...you guys haven't cultivated anything that equates to love but 20 years of off and on friendships; you not liking him and him being a jerk. I could see if he was somebody you had longed for and he treated you with respect and love, but I don't see anything between the two of you healthy. I think you like the fight and the closeness from him mom.
 
^^^ I agree. To be honest, i was confused by the progression of OP's feelings. I was not expecting the "I love him" part. Please assess why you have those feelings in the first place.
Telling his mother that you think that you might end up as her daughter-in-law sounds a little extreme and far-fetched as well, to be honest.
They seem to be playing games with you, using you, and unfortunately it seems that you have been caught. Please distance yourself from these people. They are not good for you.
 
Um...Becky or Maria or Shaniqua :look: this man is taken. Her race has no relevance in all of this - she is his girlfriend. He hasn't shown that much interest in you: sure, he may be attracted to you but it doesn't look like he's going out of his way to get you. Yet, you're trying to chase him by leaving emails and trying to call him.

Even if he did want you, he would be stepping out on his GF for you. You know karma is a ******. Personally, I feel sorry for "Becky" that she is having her man's mother laugh in her face whilst you're there as if you're set to replace her. No-one deserves that. You and this dude have history but it seems you missed your opportunity and he's not in the position to have you back in his life in a romantic way. Stay away because all I can see here is the beginnings of some bullisht drama.
 
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Leave them both alone (him and the mother). She may care about you somewhat but she sounds like a manipulator and only cares about what SHE wants not what her son wants. Even if you do get with him would you really want a mother-in-law like this? If she's that invested in her son's love life, she'll be all up in yours too, trust me. It's not just Becky, this is her M.O. I have many black male friends who date white girls much to the dismay of their mothers, but they don't interfere with their love lives.

Her son is no better, openly flirting with you in front of his girl is disrespectful. And that's all it is FLIRTING, it doesn't seem like he has any interest in being with you because if he did then he would not only let his girl go but he'd let you know it right off the bat. Sounds like he's playing games, either trying to make you or his girl jealous, either way it's immature and at y'alls age who has time for that?

OP how did you end up falling in love with him? You said he was a jerk years ago, so what changed? Because he looks better? Maybe it's not love, it sounds like you just might be physically attracted to him. You admitted you used to be superficial, maybe it's still there a little (no offense).
 
That man doesn't love you.

He just thinks he is the ish now.

He wrote "love" not "I love you."

He never tried to contact you.

Hi mom is courting you, not him.

Trust me, if a man is into you, he will let you know, in plain English.

I think you are just having nostalgic feelings. People don't change much (by the way you should say someone does a 180, because a 360 puts you back in the same exact spot before). I bet you he is still a jerk. He just looks better now, and is stirring up those old feelings. I have felt that way before, totally romanticizing a guy even though I know HIM deep down.
 
I don't know what game he is playing but do not get caught up in it. Sure he may be attracted to you but he has a girlfriend who is always around. He knows that, his mother knows that and you know that. At this point, I am still not even sure why you are hanging around so much and party to his girlfriend being made fun of in your presence. How would you feel if you were someone's girlfriend and this other woman from his past starts showing up at every family event and making questionable comments and moves on your man? Some things are just not done...
Until he is unattached, stay away...and even then I would watch it because if he can make all those moves on you in front of his girlfriend, you can bet he will have no problem doing the same to you with some other woman. I cannot deal with a disrespectful man...
 
From what you have written, he is not interested in you. He and his Mom are playing a game. Keep put of it otherwise you are the one that will come away with scars
 
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