I let my guard down..... Now what?

paragon1day

paragon1day

New Member
I have been seeing this guy for a few weeks and we just started coloring :grin: Everything is great, I want to be in a relationship with him. At first, I didn't want one but you know how it goes, LOL.

He asked me why I am so guarded and I told him it's because I like to keep my emotions in check. Which is true but I don't want to get caught up and be the only one caught up. So he tells me that I should let my guard down.

This past week while coloring, I let my guard down. At first, I had to coach myself. I had a moment when I had this empty feeling, when we weren't cuddling, and I did not like it. It's because I think I am now realizing how much I want a relationship, but with the right person (HIM). Soooo, I started cuddling with him and he was very receptive to that. But, I felt so empty when he left. I started missing my ex and it's been about 3 years!!!!!! I have decided I am not having sex with him anymore, I think, LOL (still pondering)

So, we are talking today because it was the best colored picture we had ever created together, :lachen::lachen::lachen:He told me he knows I let my guard down and that made it AMAZING, which I agree with. He said I think too much like a man (don't know if he likes that and kinda don't care) But I asked him what we were, cut friends or what. Since it's just coloring. He said it's not just coloring, which I have to agree with. We talk about current news, history, books, everything!!!! I love it. I have never been with a man that has peaked ALL my interests. I mean, I would like to take this a step further, but I really don't know how. I am so used to telling men what I don't want that I don't really know how to tell them I want to be in a relationship *sigh*

I really want to tell him. But I want to go by his lead even though he seems to be following my lead. Oh and he just got out of a relationship a few months ago. Does that matter at all?

Oh, a little background on us. I am a rules girl by default. I don't call, I am always calling back, ALWAYS. But that's only because I want to know he's interested in me as a person and I don't always want to talk when they call. Dates are always on him and he always asks when is the next one before the night is even over with. But I don't know if he's sincere because he likes kissing and cuddling, which leads me to believe he just likes dating, in general. Which nothing is wrong with that b/c until recently I have too. But now since meeting him I don't want to get to know anyone else b/c I know they won't match up to him, mind you we are not together.

Sorry for being sooooo long... What should I do?
 
paragon1day said:
I have been seeing this guy for a few weeks and we just started coloring :grin: Everything is great, I want to be in a relationship with him. At first, I didn't want one but you know how it goes, LOL.

He asked me why I am so guarded and I told him it's because I like to keep my emotions in check. Which is true but I don't want to get caught up and be the only one caught up. So he tells me that I should let my guard down.

This past week while coloring, I let my guard down. At first, I had to coach myself. I had a moment when I had this empty feeling, when we weren't cuddling, and I did not like it. It's because I think I am now realizing how much I want a relationship, but with the right person (HIM). Soooo, I started cuddling with him and he was very receptive to that. But, I felt so empty when he left. I started missing my ex and it's been about 3 years!!!!!! I have decided I am not having sex with him anymore, I think, LOL (still pondering)

So, we are talking today because it was the best colored picture we had ever created together, :lachen::lachen::lachen:He told me he knows I let my guard down and that made it AMAZING, which I agree with. He said I think too much like a man (don't know if he likes that and kinda don't care) But I asked him what we were, cut friends or what. Since it's just coloring. He said it's not just coloring, which I have to agree with.We talk about current news, history, books, everything!!!! I love it. I have never been with a man that has peaked ALL my interests. I mean, I would like to take this a step further, but I really don't know how. I am so used to telling men what I don't want that I don't really know how to tell them I want to be in a relationship *sigh*

I really want to tell him. But I want to go by his lead even though he seems to be following my lead. Oh and he just got out of a relationship a few months ago. Does that matter at all?

Oh, a little background on us. I am a rules girl by default. I don't call, I am always calling back, ALWAYS. But that's only because I want to know he's interested in me as a person and I don't always want to talk when they call. Dates are always on him and he always asks when is the next one before the night is even over with. But I don't know if he's sincere because he likes kissing and cuddling, which leads me to believe he just likes dating, in general. Which nothing is wrong with that b/c until recently I have too. But now since meeting him I don't want to get to know anyone else b/c I know they won't match up to him, mind you we are not together.

Sorry for being sooooo long... What should I do?
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Tell him how you feel. Not that you want to be in a relationship with him, but tell him what you like about him. Tell him that you think he's so intelligent and how nice that is. Tell him you enjoy spending time with him.

Then be a rules girl and go out hang out with your girlfriends and/or date other people. Be unavailable once in a while.

I'm of the opinion that if you have to ask the 'where is this going?' or 'what are we?' question you already have your answer. When a man wants you and doesn't want you to see other people and wants your relationship to be exclusive, he makes his intentions known, he is very clear, there are no questions, there's no ambiguity.

Your friend said it's not just coloring, but didn't come out and tell you exactly what it is, so it makes me believe that he likes you and enjoys you but you are FWB, especially since he knows whom to call for coloring.
 
Well, you could go along for the ride, Hope he doesn't just want you for sex-enjoy the sex, the attention, the dates, the BS convo; or you could cut your losses and lose his number before you totally fall for this guy.

He told me he knows I let my guard down and that made it AMAZING, which I agree with
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Also, from this statement, it sounds like he knows what he is doing. Good luck.
 
starfish said:
Tell him how you feel. Not that you want to be in a relationship with him, but tell him what you like about him. Tell him that you think he's so intelligent and how nice that is. Tell him you enjoy spending time with him.

Then be a rules girl and go out hang out with your girlfriends and/or date other people. Be unavailable once in a while.
I'm of the opinion that if you have to ask the 'where is this going?' or 'what are we?' question you already have your answer. When a man wants you and doesn't want you to see other people and wants your relationship to be exclusive, he makes his intentions known, he is very clear, there are no questions, there's no ambiguity.

Your friend said it's not just coloring, but didn't come out and tell you exactly what it is, so it makes me believe that he likes you and enjoys you but you are FWB, especially since he knows whom to call for coloring.
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I agree with this. I would be honest -you can tell him how you feel, don't go falling all over yourself, but don't be a stone cold soldier either:lachen:

continue to live your life and do you even if that means flying solo sometimes to do you-mani/pedi, dinner and a movie in, reading a book...just don't make yourself too available because he needs to know that you have a life too. Plus make sure(which I am sure you do) that you look beautiful everytime he sees you-just as a reminder that you are a catch!

Good luck!
 
Yea. Men do put it out there even more so then women when they're serious. I always ask the question " What do you want? Are you hanging around for a prize or do you want to be with me?" They will always tell you that its more, always. It's your job to hold out on the intimacy until you know for sure ( kissing, cuddling, sex).

Take control. It could be that he's shy but I don't want to give him any excuses. Time will definitely tell. For now if you're unsure(and you seem unsure) hold out on all of that.

There's plenty of fish in the sea. Have fun! I was caught on this one guy and having issues. Good looking, intelligent men are not hard to find in the world. When I discovered that and he discovered that I had discovered it. And then he discovered that there were guys who were discovering me....!!! He decided to shape up quick but of course by then it was too late. I had convinced myself that he was possibly my soul mate but someone else convinced me that I was wrong. That's a hard blow to a man.
 
Thanks ladies!!!! I have been keeping my routine but I have noticed I am a little more open to him than others. I have a few guys that have asked to be in a relationship with me in the last few months but I really don't like them in that way.

Starfish, I really think you are right about the FWB. I really don't want that right now but I thought I did. Sooooo, I guess I need to tell him how much I really like him. I'm always confused, LOL.

I don't want to just be in a relationship just for the heck of it, ya know. *sigh*

Thank you so much ladies!!!!!!!
 
I sense anxiety in your post though because you don't know where you stand. Rest assured he senses that too. If you ask him anything about a "relationship" right now, you can kiss him good bye. He is holding all the cards now and he knows that. You asked him if you were FWB...because you needed to know where you stood and because you feel empty inside when you are not with him.

At this point, you do need to fall back, be unavailable like others have said and do stuff that interests you, that makes you feel good without him. He's going to need to sense that you don't need him or a relationship.

It's not about calling or not calling. It's how you really feel inside and the aura that surrounds you. Rules Girls from what I gather really are too busy to care.
 
I guess I might be a Debbie Downer then. Sometimes when we put ourselves in guard mode some guys thing it is a challenge to break down those walls. They will do all the petting, courting, etc to get you to let your guard down, then when you are completely open to them, they will play it cool and say, you know what this was why you trippin. Be careful, I hope everything works out, but remember men love a challenge just to say they did it and then be done.
 
paragon1day said:
This past week while coloring, I let my guard down. At first, I had to coach myself. I had a moment when I had this empty feeling, when we weren't cuddling, and I did not like it. It's because I think I am now realizing how much I want a relationship, but with the right person (HIM). Soooo, I started cuddling with him and he was very receptive to that. But, I felt so empty when he left. I started missing my ex and it's been about 3 years!!!!!! I have decided I am not having sex with him anymore, I think, LOL (still pondering)

Oh, a little background on us. I am a rules girl by default. I don't call, I am always calling back, ALWAYS. But that's only because I want to know he's interested in me as a person and I don't always want to talk when they call. Dates are always on him and he always asks when is the next one before the night is even over with. But I don't know if he's sincere because he likes kissing and cuddling, which leads me to believe he just likes dating, in general. Which nothing is wrong with that b/c until recently I have too. But now since meeting him I don't want to get to know anyone else b/c I know they won't match up to him, mind you we are not together.
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I am sorry, what you have described in the top paragraph isn't rule's girls items.
 
I hope it works out.

That being said, I have a problem with someone who's not my man (and not trying to be) telling me that I need to let my guard down. That's a natural process that happens as trust is built, and it should be earned.

You gave him a level of trust that he hasn't earned yet. Good luck.
 
I would say let him lead the relationship. It seems to always work about better when they do otherwise, it may feel somewhat awkward. I always felt awkward initiating contact with men and felt better when they contacted me.

I would make sure to let him know that you don't want a casual relationship and that you are interested in something more serious. But let him to be the one to officially ask you for a serious relationship.
 
Yes, when you feel unsure *Follow-that feeling* You can keep seeing him, but shut it down a little and do you...
 
ThickHair said:
I guess I might be a Debbie Downer then. Sometimes when we put ourselves in guard mode some guys thing it is a challenge to break down those walls. They will do all the petting, courting, etc to get you to let your guard down, then when you are completely open to them, they will play it cool and say, you know what this was why you trippin. Be careful, I hope everything works out, but remember men love a challenge just to say they did it and then be done.
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Bunny77 said:
I hope it works out.

That being said, I have a problem with someone who's not my man (and not trying to be) telling me that I need to let my guard down. That's a natural process that happens as trust is built, and it should be earned.

You gave him a level of trust that he hasn't earned yet. Good luck.
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Can't quite put my finger on what I'm thinking but it's something along the lines of these two posts. Honestly, it sounds like you are putting more out there then he is and feeling vulnerable because you want more and it's not clear that he does.

I tend to think hook ups that start out as FWB tend to stay that way. Hope I'm wrong. Good luck to you.
 
Well, it's just natural that you can't let your guard down completely after only having known him for a few weeks.

Very few people are that open.

I think a man would have to wait a few months at least to make me want to be completely vulnerable to him.
 
I think you should stop having sex with him. You may find that you'll be able to think clearer and keep your distance.
 
Oh, I forgot to say - in my personal opinion it was too early to have sex with him after only a few weeks.

Some people can handle that because they are able to see sex as a purely physical thing. Most women aren't able to do that (again, in my opinon).

Sex has the power to tie you to someone chemically, you basically get high off of that person. I read somewhere that it can take up to 6 months to be completely weaned from someone.
 
I've only read the first sentence. Coloring first and wanting a relationship second? You're going backward.

*off to read the rest*
 
Lenee925 said:
Well, you could go along for the ride, Hope he doesn't just want you for sex-enjoy the sex, the attention, the dates, the BS convo; or you could cut your losses and lose his number before you totally fall for this guy.



Also, from this statement, it sounds like he knows what he is doing. Good luck.
Click to expand...

Aren't you the lady who said, "smash some strange" in the other thread? :lachen: You and ThatJerseyGirl are on point!
 
CandiceC said:
I think you should stop having sex with him. You may find that you'll be able to think clearer and keep your distance.
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Sex will make you lose your mind.

I don't know where I read this but it goes something like (paraphrasing), before sex woman have a clear head and men are foggy; after sex men have a clear head and women are foggy. I believe it is from WMLB.
 
Whether u coloured before a relationship or not, the fact is that u two have COLOURED and you are both quite content with the situation.

What i would say to u is that u are obviously very comfortable around him and miss him when he is not around u, so i say forget about all these so called 'rules' and relax yourself and just be open with him and see how he responds. At the end of the day, he already said he liked how you 'let your guard down', so i believe he wants you both to open up to eachother a bit more and see where it takes u (hopefully positive).

Also, if i was you i would go out on a couple of dates where no sex was involved at all for the whole of both nights and see if you both can still hold all these conversations you have had after colouring and still see if you both feel the same way. That way you can be sure of both of yall intentions.
 
ThickHair said:
Sex will make you lose your mind.

I don't know where I read this but it goes something like (paraphrasing), before sex woman have a clear head and men are foggy; after sex men have a clear head and women are foggy. I believe it is from WMLB.
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I think that is it. When we met really all I wanted was a FWB, honestly. I just let my guard down, which I blame on myself b/c I usually don't. I usually decide early on what's what, without regard to what they want, and I continue on that path. But this time I lost it :wallbash: I hate being an emotional being and I try so hard not to be. I don't let many in, actually I have only let 2 in to date (he's not one of them). Perhaps, this is karma.

Oh and I am going to distance myself from him. Though I am not sure how. We already on go out when I want, talk on the phone when I want, and see each other when I want. So, I guess no weekly dates and no coloring. Hard but I can do it.

Thank you ladies for being the voice of reason. I will let it play out, though, once I distance myself :look:
 
^^^You can't deny the part of you that is emotional. It is part of being human and especially what comes with being a woman. Why deny that which makes you human and feminine? It is one of the things that makes us beautiful. Just be more careful in the future with guarding your heart. That means not having sex with a man after a few weeks. You gave him direct access to your heart the minute you decided to have sex with him. Everyone, including men, must earn your trust, and that simply takes time. If I were you I'd see if he can go out with me, take me out, and not expect sex. If he can't then move on. I think you should be direct with him. You know, I'm catching feelings, I think you are more special than I realized and I'm realizing I want more than a fwb relationship with you. I'm here if you want to date me and have a fresh start, otherwise we may both have to move on. I just don't think playing games is going to work in your situation.
 
ThickHair said:
Good Sex will make you lose your mind.

I don't know where I read this but it goes something like (paraphrasing), before sex woman have a clear head and men are foggy; after sex men have a clear head and women are foggy. I believe it is from WMLB.
Click to expand...

Fixed that for ya.
 
Update: So, he asked me to be his gf last night and I was literally shocked. I mean, I had made a mental note to stop talking to him this time next month if he didn't make it official. Oddly enough, I didn't tell him "sure let's make this official" I just told him I wanted the same thing he wanted. That's it. Well, maybe next week I will tell him "sure let's make it official" I was once told I always have too many options and others don't date like me. But I chalked that up to mean "some others don't date like me b/c they don't have other options and I always have viable options." Random, I know but some ppl irk my nerves about the way I date (though in their way, they usually just end up with w/e guy wants to make it official with them, meaning he was the only option at the time).

Back on topic, I find it hard to agree to this b/c I am still dating other guys. There is one in particular that I really like but he is hard pressed for sex and I just don't have a sexual connection with him. It could be b/c of Guy #1, idk. Anywho, my update and I hope I have more positive things to write about in the future :-)
 
Oh, and I took all of your advice. I told him how I felt and he told me he felt the same. Anytime I didn't like something he said or did, I told him and we KIM. We have become very open with each other.

I even let him start initiating conversations about where this was going and the like. I told him my expectations but then he slipped and I really started dating other guys. But he got back on track and I told him I don't have any expectations. Amazingly enough, that was about 3 weeks ago.
 
paragon1day said:
Update: So, he asked me to be his gf last night and I was literally shocked. I mean, I had made a mental note to stop talking to him this time next month if he didn't make it official. Oddly enough, I didn't tell him "sure let's make this official" I just told him I wanted the same thing he wanted. That's it. Well, maybe next week I will tell him "sure let's make it official" I was once told I always have too many options and others don't date like me. But I chalked that up to mean "some others don't date like me b/c they don't have other options and I always have viable options." Random, I know but some ppl irk my nerves about the way I date (though in their way, they usually just end up with w/e guy wants to make it official with them, meaning he was the only option at the time).

Back on topic, I find it hard to agree to this b/c I am still dating other guys. There is one in particular that I really like but he is hard pressed for sex and I just don't have a sexual connection with him. It could be b/c of Guy #1, idk. Anywho, my update and I hope I have more positive things to write about in the future :-)
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Thanks for the update. Girl why should you have to choose? :grin: If you want to date other men do your thing. Guys have been doing it for years anyway.
 
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