I hate my ex-husband

[stinastina]

He sent me a vile email accusing me of sabotaging his relationship with his 10 year old son. He really is an idiot. I can't help that my child does not really want to talk to him - they are strangers. His father doesn't try to get to know him or his interests, he mostly cracks jokes. He had the nerve to email me and ask me why I didn't have his son call him on his birthday. Puh-leeze. I forgot that knee-grow's birthday and wasn't aware it was my job to keep track.

Plus the man is a liar and has been married for over a year and not said a word. He had his son for two weeks last summer and didn't even tell him he had a stepmom. And in case yall don't remember, he called himself sending "extra" child support the beginning of December and nothing for Christmas. He didn't say word one to me that I should consider the "extra" my child's Christmas present !

And on the subject of child support, we've been divorced now 8 years and he just started sending it last August and not even the full amount and not even half !! Let me tell yall, the court ordered support is a measly $200 per month. He sends $98 every other month and I bet you anything, it's the wife sending it.

Normally after an email like that, I would try to mince words for my son's sake. This time I just told him fock you and I am sick of him and if he keeps spewing venom on me, I was going to block him from my email.

I don't even know what to do with this ashhole. I really don't.

Surely someone else here has some words of wisdom or experience.

 

[Qualitee]

I sorry you have to go through this. but you ex husband is a jerk!!!!! and he's very immature too. He needs to focus on his son . He doesnt know how bad he is going to feel when his son doesnt want to have anything to do with him when he gets older. Hunny just keep your head up and keep doing what your doing as a mother. You are a great mom and dont forget that. As for your ex and his new family forget them. Just leave them to time and god!!!!

Oh yeah bring him to court for that full child support, so you can get your back money. Raising a child ain't cheap

 

[stinastina]

I sorry you have to go through this. but you ex husband is a jerk!!!!! and he's very immature too. He needs to focus on his son and not his relationship with you. He doesnt know how bad he is going to feel when his son doesnt want to have anything to do with him when he gets older. Hunny just keep your head up and keep doing what your doing as a mother. You are a great mom and dont forget that. As for your ex and his new family forget them. Just leave them to time and god!!!!

Oh yeah bring him to court for that full child support, so you can get your back money. Raising a child ain't cheap

Thanks, Tanisha for the kind words. Me and my SO encourage my son to call his dad, but he just doesn't want to. His dad wants him to spend a month with him this summer and my son doesn't want to stay a whole month.

He lives across country so what I did was switch child support agencies to his state which is far more aggressive than my state. In fact, my caseworker called me today and was very supportive. I never had a caseworker call me during the last 8 years in my state.

Maybe he got wind of it and that's why he's being so evil.

I wish I could sit here and ignore that email, but he made me really angry with his crap.

 

[NYAmicas]

After reading that I dont blame you.
Dismiss his negativity from your mind.

 

[Qualitee]

Thanks, Tanisha for the kind words. Me and my SO encourage my son to call his dad, but he just doesn't want to. His dad wants him to spend a month with him this summer and my son doesn't want to stay a whole month.

He lives across country so what I did was switch child support agencies to his state which is far more aggressive than my state. In fact, my caseworker called me today and was very supportive. I never had a caseworker call me during the last 8 years in my state.

Maybe he got wind of it and that's why he's being so evil.

I wish I could sit here and ignore that email, but he made me really angry with his crap.

Your welcome sweetie! Your ex needs to get a reality cheak, seriously!! He's son doesnt want to be around him that is so sad. But it seems like he doesnt care because if he did your son would have never felt this way in the first place. Try putting your son in a big brother big sister program so he can have a father figure in his life.( that's if he doesnt have one already) I glad that you got a good case worker because this is not a game because he is playing with your money and most importantly the emotions of you child. Like I said before he is going to live to regret these times. I hope he gets a wake up call soon

 

[Keen]

$200/month? Men got it so easy. That's like them saying you could raise your son on $400 a month. How much do they expect you to pay for rent/mortgage, gas, food, hair cut...

 

[drasgrl]

I hope you let him have it with both barrels, with his trifling self. He is the adult/father. Your son is the child he need to be calling his son not expect a child to be calling him. Tell your trifling ex to get your son a cell phone so he can call him whenever he wants.

 

[stinastina]

Your welcome sweetie! Your ex needs to get a reality cheak, seriously!! He's son doesnt want to be around him that is so sad. But it seems like he doesnt care because if he did your son would have never felt this way in the first place. Try putting your son in a big brother big sister program so he can have a father figure in his life.( that's if he doesnt have one already) I glad that you got a good case worker because this is not a game because he is playing with your money and most importantly the emotions of you child. Like I said before he is going to live to regret these times. I hope he gets a wake up call soon

When he was 6, he had a Big Brother for a good year but the guy apparently did it for his grad school app (something we never knew about him - that he was applying to grad school !). My SO gives him lots of attention and they love each other (he has been around the past four years, ex-husband popped up in 2006). My son told me if anything happened to me, he would not want to go to his dad's but would want to live with SO.

We went years with no phone call or word from his father. I would keep in touch with his brother and make sure he had our number in case he popped up. Just pathetic.

 

[stinastina]

Keen, $200 is nothing to raise a growing boy child ! This kid eats more than me !

Drasgrl, I was pretty foul but I think he deserved every word. I told him he was the adult and if anyone was responsible for their lack of relationship, it was him.

I think my caseworker is going to have him in jail in a few months. Do you know this man has not filed taxes in at least 9 years ?? If you knew your taxes would be eaten up by back child support, wouldn't you go ahead and file so your bill could decrease a little ? That's a lot of spite right there not to file because you know it's going to your kids.

 

[Jessica Rabbit]

I just can't understand some of these deadbeats. And what's even sadder is that many I know of were SSSOOOO excited to have a child and will still quickly claim and brag about the kids but won't do right by them.

 

[stinastina]

I just can't understand some of these deadbeats. And what's even sadder is that many I know of were SSSOOOO excited to have a child and will still quickly claim and brag about the kids but won't do right by them.

He seems almost jealous of his son. He makes comments like "we're all gifted" (because his son got tested for the gifted program) and in that stankified email he says "This whole academic prodigy thing is cool but there's more to life".

Instead of being proud of his son, he sounds resentful.

 

[Qualitee]

When he was 6, he had a Big Brother for a good year but the guy apparently did it for his grad school app (something we never knew about him - that he was applying to grad school !). My SO gives him lots of attention and they love each other (he has been around the past four years, ex-husband popped up in 2006). My son told me if anything happened to me, he would not want to go to his dad's but would want to live with SO.

We went years with no phone call or word from his father. I would keep in touch with his brother and make sure he had our number in case he popped up. Just pathetic.

Thank god your SO is a fahter to him. In this world needs a father figure. You see you already have a blessing because you and your son have your SO and your SO is all you guys need. Trust me your ex is going to need you son one day!!! But I wonder how he feels knowing that his son rathers another man to be his dad.

 

[SilentRuby]

Thanks, Tanisha for the kind words. Me and my SO encourage my son to call his dad, but he just doesn't want to. His dad wants him to spend a month with him this summer and my son doesn't want to stay a whole month.

He lives across country so what I did was switch child support agencies to his state which is far more aggressive than my state. In fact, my caseworker called me today and was very supportive. I never had a caseworker call me during the last 8 years in my state.

Maybe he got wind of it and that's why he's being so evil.

I wish I could sit here and ignore that email, but he made me really angry with his crap.

Whether he believes it or not, kids see things for themselves. It's not always the parents saying negative things in front of them or to them about the other parent. Hope he makes a change before your son forgets about him...

 

[berry87]

I'm sorry you have to go through this.
All I can offer you is

 

[Tallone]

He seems almost jealous of his son. He makes comments like "we're all gifted" (because his son got tested for the gifted program) and in that stankified email he says "This whole academic prodigy thing is cool but there's more to life".

See, now that right there... He is definitely misdirecting his anger. He needs to internalize that! But its easier to blame you

 

[val1212]

I think my ex and your ex are related. I'm going thru the same deal and the magic word came out last night. ---- you!!!! we can do this thru the courts.

 

[cocoaluv]

200 a month isnt enough to do more than feed the boy. And he should be ashamed of himself for not even sending the full amount. A grown man cant afford at LEAST 200 a month for his kid? Save all emails between the two of you in case you have to go to court and try not to get too ugly in them in case a judge needs to read it. If I were you I would fight for all back child support and try to get it increased. How disgusting is he to treat you and your child this way.

He should be calling his son and talking to him in order to get a relationship going. You son is growing up and after awhile may not even be interested in a relationship with him since he is telling you already that he doesnt want to visit him......your ex brought it on himself.

The current wife better be very concerned and watchful of what he is doing cuz the same can happen to her. Also this child support mess can affect her money/taxes as well. She better run for the hills.

 

[tklmeelmo]

I feel your pain. I hate my ex too. Not only for what he did to me but the neglectful way he is to MY daughter. (he hasn't reached the status for me to say our). I'm the momma and the daddy. He doesn't even call me to ask how she is doing. She had the flu and I told him about it. I stayed home with her all week and that fool only visited her 1 day. He just had to get to work early that he couldn't go in 1 hour later to check on her. What's wrong with these boys? Where are the real men? They get off so easy. Paying their way out of parenting. You can't put a price tag on parenting in my opinion. Hang in there and just know you can talk to me about these sorry ex's anytime.

 

[southern_girl]

Stinastina,

I so feel your pain! I am in the "I hate my EH club too." My knees hurt from praying about the situation. I too forgot his birthday and he was beyond pissed! But hey, if he sent some cs on occassion perhaps I would put that on my calendar!

I'll pray for you and the others along with myself. We will make it!

 

[tocktick]

I just can't understand some of these deadbeats. And what's even sadder is that many I know of were SSSOOOO excited to have a child and will still quickly claim and brag about the kids but won't do right by them.

@ bold: i see it time and time again. it annoys me so much.

op, as for your son's dad just popping up now, i've realised some men really feel as if they can turn up after a long absence and their child will come running back. when their illusions are shattered, they turn to blame the mother when actually the child has come to his or her own conclusions about their father. i'm so glad your son has a father figure in the form of your SO. please find a way to make your son's deadbeat father pay the full CS amount. he is getting off too easy yet has the nerve to have a ridiculous sense of entitlement and be rude also.

He seems almost jealous of his son. He makes comments like "we're all gifted" (because his son got tested for the gifted program) and in that stankified email he says "This whole academic prodigy thing is cool but there's more to life".

i think his anger is due to the fact that this is something he cannot get credit for. seems like he is trying to downplay your ability to raise your son by making it sound easy to get into a gifted program.

 

[stinastina]

Wow, ladies, thanks for all the support ! I was feeling a bit alone today with all this mess.

Tanisha - you are so right that we have been blessed ! I didn't even think SO would leave his job to care for my son but today he told me if anything happened to me, he would quit trucking and take care of my baby.

Pemuny - I believe you are right. I do my best not to bad mouth his dad around him. I think his twisted mind is beginning to show itself.

berry87 - Thanks for the hug !

Tallone - He blames me for everything ! But I know he's crazy and I accept none of that.

val1212 - I wish you the best of luck. Keep me posted on what happens. I just opened up a child support case in his state and they are much more aggressive than my state. I expect he will be in jail later on this year.

cocoaluv - You are so right about everything. He has spun some lie to his new wife about me being after him for the money. I wonder how many new wives believe this lie. If I was, he would have been in jail long ago for non payment. Well, she will soon find out. The only reason he has paid any support since last August is her. He never paid a dime before he married her. I feel bad for her in a way. She will probably will pay to keep his sorry ass out of jail, too.

tklmeelmo - How old is your daughter ? I hope things get better for yall. I don't know why they act like this. Then when they get to be old men, they wonder why their kids won't have anything to do with them.

southern_girl - I used to pray for him all the time. I gave up. I had my son pray for him, too, especially during those times he would disappear and he wouldn't hear anything from him for months. Somehow he would manage to call around his birthday but not my son's or Christmas. He's a reprobate. He sent me an email saying he wasn't even a Christian anymore. I didn't even touch that.

Ladies, I really, really want to cut him out of our lives altogether. I don't want to talk to him, hear from him or smell him. I think he is trying to provoke me to do that which is why I won't step over that precipice. But at some point, it's got to stop.

At what age would you let your child decide if they want to continue a relationship with a birthparent ?

 

[Spidergul]

He seems almost jealous of his son. He makes comments like "we're all gifted" (because his son got tested for the gifted program) and in that stankified email he says "This whole academic prodigy thing is cool but there's more to life".

Instead of being proud of his son, he sounds resentful.

And I am sure his son realizes this. Your ex sounds like a piece of work.

 

[southern_girl]

southern_girl - I used to pray for him all the time. I gave up. I had my son pray for him, too, especially during those times he would disappear and he wouldn't hear anything from him for months. Somehow he would manage to call around his birthday but not my son's or Christmas. He's a reprobate. He sent me an email saying he wasn't even a Christian anymore. I didn't even touch that.

quote]

Chile, I meant for you to pray for you and your family (your DS and SO) not for that fool!

Girl, when I am praying I am begging God to give me the strength not to fantasize about his demise.

As for the age of thing, I would simply encourage the child to return calls etc. because it is the polite thing to do. But I would not force him to make contact etc. You've done your part. IMHO.

 

[stinastina]

southern_girl - I used to pray for him all the time. I gave up. I had my son pray for him, too, especially during those times he would disappear and he wouldn't hear anything from him for months. Somehow he would manage to call around his birthday but not my son's or Christmas. He's a reprobate. He sent me an email saying he wasn't even a Christian anymore. I didn't even touch that.

quote]

Chile, I meant for you to pray for you and your family (your DS and SO) not for that fool!

Girl, when I am praying I am begging God to give me the strength not to fantasize about his demise.

As for the age of thing, I would simply encourage the child to return calls etc. because it is the polite thing to do. But I would not force him to make contact etc. You've done your part. IMHO.

at the bolded !

I will definitely have him call his dad back when he calls but not force him to call on the regular. I don't know how this summer is going to work out - he wants my son to come see him for a month but my son told me he only wants to stay two weeks. It sounds like from the email he is trying to back out of the trip (he said that I want the money for the plane tickets instead of the trip for my son. Huh ? No one ever said anything like that).

I just got notice he sent $149. That must be why he is so pissed !!

 

[cocoaluv]

at the bolded !

I will definitely have him call his dad back when he calls but not force him to call on the regular. I don't know how this summer is going to work out - he wants my son to come see him for a month but my son told me he only wants to stay two weeks. It sounds like from the email he is trying to back out of the trip (he said that I want the money for the plane tickets instead of the trip for my son. Huh ? No one ever said anything like that).

I just got notice he sent $149. That must be why he is so pissed !!

Seriously if thats what he is upset about then shame on him. $149 probably buys 2 pairs of sneakers. SMH

 

[deltagyrl]

Wow. I didn't read through all of the responses but I'm sorry you're going through this.

Be thankful he's not local. Sometimes distance is our friend.

Let the court system do it's thing. It's a slow process but, eventually, he'll get what's coming to him.

Continue to love your son and surround him with those who love him too.

Block your email. Who needs the drama? Sounds like you're feeding into it (just a wittle).

Get on with your life. Stop giving him room to affect you or your son. Do you.

Stop focusing on what he's not doing. Your son's not missing out, he's missing out.

Consider counseling (for you and your son), it works.

GL to you!

 

[MizzBrown]

What woman sticks around a man knowing that he doesn't support his child from a previous marriage/relationship? Thats a dealbreaker for me.

Soon as I meet a guy w/ a child, i try to figure out if hes supporting them and i wanna know how. Court ordered, mutual agreement, and i get nosy and ask what he got them for xmas or birthday and stuff.

If i find he's beeing a deadbeat, then thats a wrap. Who's to say it wont change with me and that says something about ME so I got to go.

The fact that his stepmom has to step in and send money and she doesnt even know the full amount pisses me off. I couldn't be with a man like that.

 

[stinastina]

delta-Gyrl - You are so right. I was thinking last night he knew just how to push my buttons to make me angry and then I popped off on him. He is so missing out on a lot joy in his life from his son.

Mizz Brown - This is something that should go into the red flags section. Before I got married, I asked my ex if he had any kids. I was so shocked to meet an aa man at his age (27) with no kids. Well, two years later, after we married and did our taxes, I found out he did have a kid when they snatched the return !

 

[kayte]

At what age would you let your child decide if they want to continue a relationship with a birthparent ?

I am so sorry this is happening...what a blessing to have a loving man and also a father figure in your life

disclaimer I am not a mom
But I would not force anything ....your son has a right to his anger and a right to feel wary and a right to protect himself...,he's been abandoned by his father and a relationship as defined by biology is not a given as a relationship ..your SO is proving that!

It is the father who needs to Re-establish or even establish the trust here and negative comments about his son's academic excellence and intelligence...are a RED FLAG...who would want to be around ..that....
and especially at an age where your son is becoming of age and autonomous..he's especially in need unqualfied male support and love which this man does not sound capable of

EX needs to step up to make up......is not the child's responsibilty...and your son's instincts are right on.
I would affirm that..... while balancing the tricky dynamic of at the same time ...helping him acknowledge the ex is making some (h/as'd) attempt which could be recognized with a holiday card at Christmas and a phone call of out respect ...

but EX is going to need to do 110 per cent and if he' s not mature enough to hear it from the boy's MOTHER...
..a third OFFICAL party like a social worker can be intervening messenger

While I would avoid saying anything bad about EX though he fully deserves it...you can still express your anger and validate your son's feelings and the reality of what your son is going through ...

there will be a time when your son may really need to interact and initiate contact with him .....until then I would not push it...but it is important to gently give him every opportunity to choose ..so that it's not ..avoiding the ex by default....or lack of effort on your part..but that there are ample opportunities so that your son feels empowered to be involved....and knows opportunities will keep being offered ..I'd go at his pace,tho. If Ex was just...clueless..well that's one thing
.... but this man sounds self absorbed and unsafe...