I HATE my brother-in-law

[pazyamor]

I'm not sure if this is even the right place to put this, but I have to spill because I'm about to burst...so here it is:

I am BEST FRIENDS with my older sister; I mean we are tighter than anything in the world: when she got in trouble when we were kids, I would insist I got a whooping too, she is the only person who I will fight for, and once my ex asked if confronted to save a life with a choice between my mother and my sister who would I choose...I said my sister. We are that close.

Well, almost two years ago, my sister married this loser who she loves to death. And I HATE HIM; he's stupid, selfish, and inconsiderate. He used to be in the Air Force and my sister had a good job but decided to start cosmetology school, she was laid off (long story), and he had to pay all the bills. Well this Ni**a got out of the military because he couldn't "spend his money the way he wanted to" and "was tired of paying all the bills". This left my sister homeless and with no income.

They moved in with my Granny and just a few days ago, my sister's car was repossessed! his car, by the way, is paid up to date, and he basically lied about how many months he had not paid her car note. Whenever he gets any money, he tries to keep her on a tight leash and spends hundreds on bulls**t! I can't even stand to look at them together.

This is making it hard to deal with my sister; I've already had to tell her I don't want to hear her complain about him anymore and we can usually talk about anything. And I'm enrolling in a teach in Japan program for 2010 and of course she is going to want to visit, but I made up some excuse why she wouldn't be able to because I really don't want to see him.

I don't know what to do, she keeps asking me if we can get an apartment together and I keep saying it's because they're married an I'm single...but it's really because of him, I don't want this to ruin our relationship, but it slowly is, what am I going to do?

 

[AngelicRose07]

tell her the truth, if she is hurt, explain that you dislike him because of the things he has done to her and it is your protective side that prevents him from being on your good side

 

[FlowerHair]

There's not much you can do, but don't get an apartment with them...
I'm lucky since my siblings are married to great people, but even if they weren't I wouldn't say anything. She won't wake up before she's truly fed up and that's when she needs you to be there for her.

Has she said anything negative about him yet?

 

[DarlingNikki]

Have you had to bail her out of certain situations because of her money and marriage problems? Sounds like you're energy is sapped because you are putting so much effort in HER relationship problems. The reason I say that is because from what you wrote she comes to you each and every time sh!t hits the fan and you have grown so tired of it that you refuse to discuss her problems with her any further. You are on the right track because sorry to say, you cannot protect your sister forever. You mentioned you would fight for her...but in this case she needs to learn to fight her own battles. Some things she is going to have to learn on her own and the hard way. Don't feel like you are turning your back on her; tough love is like that sometimes. Once you realize that, you will be less stressed.

 

[pazyamor]

Thanks everybody, I have told her how I feel and I am stressed out about this...we all are (as in my whole family). I need to let it go..because I'm only 20 and I feel like I'm the BIG sister.

 

[FlowerHair]

That's good. It's time to let go and let her handle stuff herself. I would def not move in with them if their financial sense is as bad as you describe it. That could make you their "bank" and maybe you would have to pay the rent every month because those two won't work

When she's done with him I'm sure she'll let you know. You are a good sister though

 

[ChemistryGirl]

OMG, girl I feel you on this!!! I'm kinda going through the same thing with my sister except she hasn't married the loser... yet! I just don't get what she sees in him. She's beautiful, kind, funny, smart, ambitious, loving and my best friend in the whole world, and it really hurts that she is dating someone so undeserving of her love. She has even said to me that she loves him and he is the first guy she's ever considered spending the rest of her life with. They fight all the time, she bears most of the financial burden in the relationship and he's literally sucking the life out of her. She used to be so spunky and now she's not as assertive or confident. She even stopped wearing makeup for a while because he said she didn't look good in it!! WTF! she is gorgeous and he's an ugly fug, that's why he doesn't like her wearing makeup. I am feeling so sad and angry just thinking about it. They've broken up three times this year, and they always get back together to my utter despair.

But I have learned that she has to realize on her own that he is not worth it. Over the holidays I finally broke down and really told her how much I HATE him. I told her it makes me sick when he calls her when I'm around and she drops whatever we are doing to talk to him. And I told her she could do way better. She was willing to break up with him b/c I didn't like him, but I was like "you don't get it, you need to do this for yourself not me, you'll end up resenting me for being the reason you broke up." Basically she is still with the idiot, but I feel better because I got it off my chest how much I hate him and now we can move on. However our relationship had REALLY suffered due to this guys negative influence on her life.

It's nice to know I'm not the only one going through this.

 

[Transformer]

Lawd, I've been dealing with this situation for 30 years. Sister and I are so close that people think the the imbilical cord is still attached to us. Her loser hasn't worked in 25 years...he receives SSI for being a drunk---I'm not kidding.

I finally had to cut to finance situation---20 years ago--now I won't entertain any discussions about her finance. She called for financial advice and really wanted me to provide her a debt consolidation loan to prevent her credit from being ruined. I decided she needed her credit ruin and kept my money! I will do anything for her except LOAN her money or co-sign a loan. I will give her money but that's with the understanding that it is a gift.

Your sister needs to wake up a few more mornings in the bed she has made. Right now she resting comfortable.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

She's pretty much going to stay with that guy until she realizes he is not what he needs. He doesn't sound like he was ready for responsibility, especially if he "got out the Air Force" just so he couldn't be in charge of all the bills. Personally, as a wife, I would have been filing for separation once my car was repossessed. That was completely counterproductive since she might need that car to get around and try and get a job in. He is such a ..... I won't even say the word.

 

[sharentu]

can i ask, how did she come to fall in love with him? (how was his behavior in the beginning?)

 

[DMJ's Mom]

Well since you love your sister to pieces and Japan is a long way you could always offer to invite her out to visit you ALONE. But as far as your relationship with your sister and her husband there really is nothing you can do. You just have to love her the same as always and let her see the light on her own

 

[prettybrowneyescutie]

My sister and I are going the same thing. She married a totally loser. My sister very rarely talk because of this. Just P.U.S.H (pray until something happens).

 

[XXXtacy]

I understand where you are coming from.

My sister was my heart and she had horrible choices in men. Now that she is no longer on this earth. The men were not important. Keep building up her self-esteem and pray for her.

I will tell you what we say..... Let no "person" come between you and "family member".

I didn't let no man come between me and my sister. :Rose:

HTH

 

[pazyamor]

Thanks you guys, I know I need to let it go and breathe, it's just that I hate to see her throw her life away (which sounds dramatic, but that's how I feel) on some ni**a who keeps taking commission-based sales jobs, but couldn't sell whisky to an alcohol, and had the nerve to cry to my Granny talking about how he thought my sister would leave him! I cannot see myself dealing with that for 20 years, you guys are so strong. Seeing him makes me sick to my stomach and I know as I get older and move on with my life (I'm just a hop and a skip from being married myself, after that year in Japan is up I's getting married) and me and my man move on, I'm not going to want to be around them. It really hurts me that I feel this way, but I'm going to keep praying and hoping that she comes to her senses.

Oh, and Lauryndoll I would have filed for divorce when that fool got out of the military WITHOUT asking me how I would feel about it...knowing it was our only source of income.

can i ask, how did she come to fall in love with him? (how was his behavior in the beginning?)

I don't know when or how they fell in love, I have been away at school so I don't know anything.

OMG, girl I feel you on this!!! I'm kinda going through the same thing with my sister except she hasn't married the loser... yet! I just don't get what she sees in him. She's beautiful, kind, funny, smart, ambitious, loving and my best friend in the whole world, and it really hurts that she is dating someone so undeserving of her love. She has even said to me that she loves him and he is the first guy she's ever considered spending the rest of her life with. They fight all the time, she bears most of the financial burden in the relationship and he's literally sucking the life out of her. She used to be so spunky and now she's not as assertive or confident. She even stopped wearing makeup for a while because he said she didn't look good in it!! WTF! she is gorgeous and he's an ugly fug, that's why he doesn't like her wearing makeup. I am feeling so sad and angry just thinking about it. They've broken up three times this year, and they always get back together to my utter despair.

But I have learned that she has to realize on her own that he is not worth it. Over the holidays I finally broke down and really told her how much I HATE him. I told her it makes me sick when he calls her when I'm around and she drops whatever we are doing to talk to him. And I told her she could do way better. She was willing to break up with him b/c I didn't like him, but I was like "you don't get it, you need to do this for yourself not me, you'll end up resenting me for being the reason you broke up." Basically she is still with the idiot, but I feel better because I got it off my chest how much I hate him and now we can move on. However our relationship had REALLY suffered due to this guys negative influence on her life.

It's nice to know I'm not the only one going through this.

And I feel you on that! My sister is alot more irritable and not like she used to be. I'm just disgusted by the whole thing...

 

[NYAmicas]

I'm sorry you're going through this.
The best I can offer is that you tell you love her, always will but her relationship is causing you heartbreak and then go to Japan and live your life.