I feel Like I Can't Win with my Hair

[naija24]

Can I rant??

What do you ladies do when you feel like your hair is screwed either way?

Relaxed:

• I get served guilt trips from all my natural haired girlfriends for not getting rid of my addiction to the "creamy crack". (maybe at the time I just like my hair straight at all times)
• Salons seem to f**k up your hair regardless of how much they cost or brag about quality, by begging you to try the latest and greatest new straigthening technique for black hair. (Never getting the Brazilian Blowout again)

Natural:

• Men stop talking to you almost entirely unless you get it straigthened religiously. I don't know what that is about.
• People just expect you to have different opinions about hair, politics, culture, in general.

I can't be the only black woman who feels torn about this. I feel like, unless our hair is super long and super straight, society is set up to screw with our hair-esteem.

Before, it was skin tone, and I was always the "dark" chick, and now I feel like we're being divided by our hair styles, which is just dumb to me, because I would think we'd care less about hair than skin color, but whatever.

Anyone else feel this way?

 

[brittle_hair]

i'm back to to relaxed and I couldnt give a toss what my natural friends have to say cos at the end of the day they aint the ones that have to do my hair. I think there was an initial shock, but they're used to it now.

I haven't had my second relaxer yet but my plan is to stretch relaxers to 12-16 weeks so that should hopefully keep my hair healthy and help me to retain length. Have you tried this does this work for you?

As for men not talking you when you're natural - not sure I agree with that.. but I wasn't single when I was natural so I probably didnt pay attention, plus I spent a lot of time in braids... I think it would depend on how you style it?

 

[LdyKamz]

I'm sorry you're going through this. But I feel like the ay you wear your hair is a personal choice. I used to wear weaves all the time and felt I looked really pretty with them but would hear people talk all the time about women with fake hair (low self esteem or high maintenance, whatever) When I started my hair journey I relaxed and started wearing my hair out. It was scary because I felt naked without the weave and thought people would call me bald - I was neck length. But the more I grew to love my hair, the more confidence I gained and that changed the way people viewed me. Or maybe the way I thought people viewed me. I am now (transitioning) since my hair is really suffering from these relaxers and I am nervous. But it is about what I like and what I think looks nice.

My point is, I don't think your hair is screwed up. It may just be a matter of changing your mind set. Deciding what you want and not really caring what anyone else thinks. Your confidence and attitude can really make a difference. I hope you feel better and start liking your hair again soon.

 

[naija24]

brittle_hair, I'm used to stretching my relaxed 8-10 weeks. I think once I stretched it longer than 12 weeks and I started to get breakage. I would stretch again now but my hair is really short. Like really :/

As for the guy thing, I have been told that guys like to run their fingers through a woman's hair. So if you have no hair, kinky hair, or thick braids, they're less attracted to you.

 

[bydebra]

You have to do what's best for you. Your friends aren't any type of "friends" if they are judging you based on how you wear your hair. I understand what you're saying about men, but lots of naturals are in happy relationships.

I have often felt pressured to stay relaxed as far as looking a certain way at work every day and keeping other people around me comfortable. But, I'm finally thinking about what I want. It's been 6 months since my last relaxer and I'm seriously thinking about transitioning. You have to figure out what makes you happy!

 

[mscocoface]

You will WIN when you determine what is best for you and not base it on what others including friends and the male population thinks or feels about YOUR choice.

Remember that EnVogue line.... Free your mind and the rest will follow. You need to do this about what you feel is the best for you and your hair.

Tell everyone else, thank you for sharing and have a nice day!

 

[Mande30]

I'm relaxed because I want to be relaxed. That other chick over there is natural because she wants to be natural. That is where I stand. Now, if she approaches me with any of that "addicted to creamy crack" or "self hate" b**l sh** (sorry for the language), I am going to have to hurt her "Natchel" feelings. You do you, and I do me, and we can be cool and happy.

 

[kupenda]

Your friends sound like douche bags. They should support and uplift you, not belittle you for the decisions you make.

It all comes down to you feeling comfortable on your own. Are you looking for attention from men? Would you feel better if they gave you more attention? Are they genuinely the kind of men you want if they don't find your kinks attractive?

Be you and do what works for you. I dont ascribe to this natural foolishness going on right now. I love it just as much as I love relaxed hair. Its just hair honestly. Maybe braids will help for awhile? To get your mind off your hair and politics

 

[kupenda]

brittle_hair, I'm used to stretching my relaxed 8-10 weeks. I think once I stretched it longer than 12 weeks and I started to get breakage. I would stretch again now but my hair is really short. Like really :/

As for the guy thing, I have been told that guys like to run their fingers through a woman's hair. So if you have no hair, kinky hair, or thick braids, they're less attracted to you.

I got the most male attention with a baldy. Now with a TWA, SO stays touching it. Especially during "extracurricular activities"

 

[naija24]

kupenda, actually, it's hard either way. I think it's more about coming off as feminine, which many guys only attribute to super long hair.

 

[faithVA]

brittle_hair, I'm used to stretching my relaxed 8-10 weeks. I think once I stretched it longer than 12 weeks and I started to get breakage. I would stretch again now but my hair is really short. Like really :/

As for the guy thing, I have been told that guys like to run their fingers through a woman's hair. So if you have no hair, kinky hair, or thick braids, they're less attracted to you.

I agree with the other ladies. You do have to feel comfortable with your own hair and then most others will follow suit. You aren't going to please everyone no matter what you do, so I would give that up and just please yourself.

I have had really short hair relaxed and natural. It's just the way you rock it.

I've never had long hair and I've not had an issue with men and the hair. My hair also is typically not cute and it still hasn't been an issue. I have found that I attract different types of guys based on my hair but I still attract guys.

I was relaxed from 13 until I was in my 40s. I don't remember any man running his fingers through my hair. Now I have a twa which I cut back to 2" in August and the first thing my guy did was stick his hands all in it and pull it

If you want a guy to run his fingers through your hair, enjoy your hair and you will find that guy.

 

[kupenda]

kupenda, actually, it's hard either way. I think it's more about coming off as feminine, which many guys only attribute to super long hair.

Femininity is internal sweetheart. Hair is an accessory. When youre comfortable, ppl will take notice. And life isnt easy. Things can be hard. Accept it, deal with it, and love yourself regardless

 

[brittle_hair]

@brittle_hair, I'm used to stretching my relaxed 8-10 weeks. I think once I stretched it longer than 12 weeks and I started to get breakage. I would stretch again now but my hair is really short. Like really :/

As for the guy thing, I have been told that guys like to run their fingers through a woman's hair. So if you have no hair, kinky hair, or thick braids, they're less attracted to you.

Apart from to maybe push your fringe (bangs) to one side I don't think i've had any of my boyfriends running their fingers right through my hair whether its been relaxed, natural, braided or weaved - i think most men know not to mess with a black woman's hair cos we use quite a bit of hair product and style it and like to keep it that way and at night the doorag or or scarf goes on, so there's definitely no messing with it - maybe its just me, but it's never even come up as an issue/ deal breaker.

 

[onyxdreams]

You won't win, as long as other people's opinion is more important than your own. Self esteem will allow you to sit right next to other women and feel completely confident in yourself. If my hair makes a person uncomfortable that is not my problem.The only statement being made is the natural hair God gave me is making others uncomfortable.Real men are attracted to a confident woman shether she is bald or rocking a half shaved head. After all is said and done with all the conforming confusion causes,will you win by not being happy with who you are.

 

[ghanagirl23]

In all honesty you wont win you cannot please people I am relaxed and all my natural nazi friends lol throw shade at me telling me I'm going to go bald, It wont grow its not healthy blah blah it gets annoying but I just tell them I am fine I like straight hair I do not hate my self I will relax because I want to I'm learning how to take care of my hair

Same thing when your natural people will say oh why dont you straighten your hair its nappy and all kinds of things

Do what is best for you if you want to stay relaxed do it because you feel like doing it not because you know some guys prefer straight hair

And if you do stay relaxed just learn to take care of it so frequent dc, co wash, stretching relaxers make a difference

and if you go natural just learn how to do different styles and styles that suit your face and you feel comfortable with

keep your head up dont be worrieed about what society thinks or you will never do anything because people will talk no mater what lol

 

[Blessed&higlyflavoured]

This is one of the complexities of being a BW. Everybody and their cousin feels like they have the right to judge, comment and police your body.Sometimes you just have to remind them that their opinion isn't important. Please, do what makes you happy. Your hair is yours to do as you please with.

And with regards to men, you just have to take an "if you build it, they will come" approach. *kanye shrug*