I don't know what to do (LONG)

[ndidirod]

moved to OT. respond there.

 

[Silkycoils]

Hey Sis!

My advice, go with your gut (your initial gut). Maybe I'm a bit jaded, but I saw SEVERAL red flags. Please see below:

I guess I should've posted this question before making my decision, but I was initially very confident in my decision. Now, not so much.

I met a guy online. He contacted me first. He immediately took down his profile and we've been talking for a few weeks now.This is too soon for all that b/s. Please google Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings "100 Days". The chorus is, "100 days, 100 nights, to know a man's heart"

We live about 90 minutes apart. He drove here for our first date. Then I drove there (per his request) for our second date. Our third date was to be tonight, but I canceled because he wanted me to drive there again and I thought he just was not that into me.

Umm . . . HUGE red flag!!!! That mother-flopper can drive his tail your way to meet you, or if you really want to be "fair", ya'll can meet at a half-way point. I don't think you should be "on his turf" so soon. You really don't know him. So what that he paid for both dates . . . he's supposed to! (two dates?!) Also, being on his turf sets you up for 1. danger, 2. susceptibility to being invited to his place to "rest" before you hit the road . . . da *** outta here! He should be willing to put in work if he wants to see you. Point.blank.period!

However, I'm having second thoughts now. Don't

Here are signs that he really did like me:
1) He called me almost everyday and texted "Good morning, sweety" everyday. So what? Means absolutely nothing. All this does is get you analyzing his behavior and selling yourself dreams. And it obviously worked (no shade to you).

2) He took down his profile immediately after contacting me. He said he wanted to focus on me and that he was ready to settle down.

3) A few nights ago, I was returning home late from an event and he told me to call him if anything happened despite the fact that he would be asleep.
Big whoop!

4) He's very affectionate on our dates - wants to hold hands, hug me, put his hand on my leg. He's setting you up for the smash.

5) He's paid for both of the dates so far. Again, he's supposed to.

6) He has initiated discussions of where I see myself living, how many children I want to have, etc. This is CLASSIC game. He's engaging in "future faking" (check out Natalie Lue's "Baggage Reclaim" website . . . EXCELLENT!!!!). By discussing all of this, he makes you think that he sees a future w/you. The works on so many women b/c we are wired to be attracted to security. Once he plants the seed, your mind waters it and makes it into something more than what he's really offering.


7) After our first argument on the phone days ago, he fought to keep me in his life. Da ***** ya'll got to argue about?!!! Ya'll don't even KNOW each other!!!!

Our argument was ignited because he re-posted his profile online. Sneaky bastid. I'll bet he tried to flip it on you when you confronted him. And WHY are you checking to see if his profile was re-posted? You should be dating others and having fun. Then you would be too busy to even care.

I thought he did it because he didn't find what he was looking for in me, so I told him to leave me alone Giving him too much power. YOU control who you let into your life. This is a classic drama queen move many women use (sorry, but it's true). You tell them to leave you alone hoping they will "fight" for you and validate your worth. Real talk, when I'm done, I'm done. No long goodbyes. and focus on other women.

He didn't leave me alone,Men are collectors took down his profile again, and explained that he put it back up because I had stated in an earlier conversation that I was in communication with one other person. Anyway, I clarified to him that I had ceased communication with that guy after our first date. He stated that he really likes me, isn't interested in anyone else, and wants to see where this goes.
8) He asked me to be his Valentine.
9) He's initiated all our dates so far.

Here are signs that he's not that into me:
1) He only texted me "Happy Valentine's Day, sweety" on V-day. Later that night, when we were texting back and forth, I asked him "No call to your Valentine today?". He responded that he "Didn't have to call to show his appreciation". Jigga what?!!!! He was prolly out w/his REAL Valentine (sorry to be so blunt, but the truth is often a bitter pill to swallow).

That was it. So despite him having asked me to be his Valentine, he saw no point in taking me out, getting me a card, or even calling because, in his words, "It's a commercial holiday". Umm . . . yeah.

2) He wanted me to drive for the second time in a row to him for our date today. His reason was that he would be working overnight on Friday and that he would be tired on Saturday. He's a doctor. So my thought process is why invite me over then if you're going to be tired? EX-FREAKING-ZACTLY!!!! Or why don't you drive here for a Sunday date? I drove there last week and I'm not even your girlfriend yet. What happened to the woo-ing stage? We women have let them get away w/not wooing.

3) I wasn't going to be direct, but I didn't want to beat around the bush. I stated that it looks bad when a woman drives all the way to see a man who didn't even want to call her on Valentine's Day. I'm glad you know this. He replied to my text saying "Good point". I replied asking him what does he really want with me if not to court me. No reply. Haven't heard from him in 16 hours. I don't know if it's because he's been working that whole time or if he is purposefully ignoring me. Prior to that final text, he had expressed that he was "Very disappointed that I wasn't coming, but that I should have a good weekend." He's a BAN. *** him and his entitled arse!

4) For our second date, it was like pulling teeth to get us to meet in a public area. He wanted us to meet at his place and then drive from there. What the *** did I say?!!! I didn't even read all of your post before I started responding and I KNEW this would come up!

When I said that I don't even know him yet and would be uncomfortable with that, he accused me of not trusting him. He doesn't respect your boundaries.

Eventually, I did agree to meet at his place and things worked out okay, but I still don't think it was a smart decision on my part. You live and you learn, and fortunately for you, this did not turn out worse.

So, do any of you know if he was really into me but I was being too hard on him or if he wasn't that into me or if he was but lost interest? It may be possible for me to still salvage this if I really did mess up, but I would like to hear what you think first.

No, no, no, no, NO!!!! You did nothing wrong! Sounds to me like he thinks "He" is the prize. Unfortunately, many black male professionals do nowadays (I'm generalizing, I know). You have to look out for YOU first and foremost, and this guy sounds shady as heck. First off, what's up w/all the texting? Secondly, he's not more important than you, so he can drive his arse to meet you. What kind out b!tch-made dude feels okay w/having a woman he "cares about" make a three-hour round trip to see his funky arse?!!!! I could see if ya'll were boyfriend and girlfriend and it was a weekend trip. See, he's setting you up. You drive all the way there, ya'll go out (he'll make sure to extend the date), you'll be tired, and he'll invite you to "take his bed and he'll take the couch". Sis, this game is as old as Methusalah and will not change. What you can do is to play by your own rules and refuse to be a participant in any of his shenanigans. I hope this helps.