Was I wrong? (Don't answer that! I wasn't wrong REGARDLESS!)
This is a friend from college I've known a good while. He remarried recently (maybe two years ago). He's been a friend and sounding board when I've had bad days re. singleness. But this is the first time he's said this. Here are the emails from our exchange:
Him: Can't you find fulfillment in Christ?
Me: With all due respect, I've been asked and I've answered this question ad nauseum. And you've kindly shared with me more than once about the pleasures and perils of marriage. I also think that when married folk ask these kinds of questions about fulfillment, it reeks of hypocrisy. So I think the lesson for me here is to find other ways to manage (hopefuly in a healthy way) the angst about this subject matter.
Him: HIpocrisy? How? Well, you are grown as you have stated. And I hope you doing what's pleasing to God. It;s up to you.
Me: Hypocrisy in that you said to me out of your own mouth that you knew that you couldn't stay single for a long time. What happened to you being fulfilled outside of marriage? What's your answer when you turn that question on yourself? And your tone here is a bit mocking... as if to say if I was doing everything pleasing to God then I wouldn't have all this turmoil. That's hurtful.
Him: NO No please don;t think that I am being hurtful. I'm not. And forgive me if it comes off that way. I would never embarrass you. You are right...I have said that I knew I couldn't stay single. I HAD to have a wife. I NEED SEX.. NEED IT. And I don't play the five-knuckle shuffle!!!!! But as a man, I can approach women and analyze whether I want to date them and marry them. But as a woman, it is wise for you to be found. That's the difference. I know you have asked GOd about this. What has GOD said to you in response to your frustration?
Me: That's a cop out and you gotta know that on some level. I'm really surprised right now. Women want and need sex, too. Men and women can live celibate lives, too. Is there anything in the Bible that says that men have extra permission to fulfill their sexual desires and women just have to suffer? You're right. You made a choice to get married. I should have that same choice as well. You're also right in that you can just freely go and find a wife but between the Bible and society, the woman is supposed to sit back and be found. It's a wicked arrangement, esp. when it makes me look like I'm deficient, disabled, unworthy because a man has yet to ask me to marry him.
Him: The sex reference was not saying that women shouldn't be want that too. Say if I never found a women I thought was compatible, then I'd have to face the possibility of being single and could I live with it? YES! I'm OK with it. THAT was my point
Him: I'm not saying that men can do things woman can. You spun that one. But here lies the problem: "esp. when it makes me look like I'm deficient, disabled, unworthy because a man has yet to ask me to marry him."
WHERE WHY AND HOW DOES NOT BEING ASKED OUT EQUATE DEFICIENCY??????
That;s where it seems you are falling in a rut. It does not.
Me: "But as a man, I can approach women and analyze whether I want to date them and marry them. But as a woman, it is wise for you to be found. That's the difference."
That's what you just said. That implies that men CAN do things that women CANNOT do. You know how it is deficient? Imagine your current wife had rejected your marriage proposal. It seems deficient because it seems that a part of my life that I really want cannot happen unless/until marriage happens. Can't have sex until marriage. Gotta have sex to make a baby. That's all connected, according to the Bible.
So the further this goes along, well.... Well.... I don't want to say how painful...how unbearable that could be.
Him: didn't say you can not, I said it is WISE to be found. You can do what you want. But You better please God. You in a hurry fir something you can;t possibly know about.
Me: And you should recognize the cruelty in mocking my desires by implying that I are wrong for wanting something that you have (whether it's good or bad or otherwise). So why is it so wise to be found?
End of email exchange. What say you?
This is a friend from college I've known a good while. He remarried recently (maybe two years ago). He's been a friend and sounding board when I've had bad days re. singleness. But this is the first time he's said this. Here are the emails from our exchange:
Him: Can't you find fulfillment in Christ?
Me: With all due respect, I've been asked and I've answered this question ad nauseum. And you've kindly shared with me more than once about the pleasures and perils of marriage. I also think that when married folk ask these kinds of questions about fulfillment, it reeks of hypocrisy. So I think the lesson for me here is to find other ways to manage (hopefuly in a healthy way) the angst about this subject matter.
Him: HIpocrisy? How? Well, you are grown as you have stated. And I hope you doing what's pleasing to God. It;s up to you.
Me: Hypocrisy in that you said to me out of your own mouth that you knew that you couldn't stay single for a long time. What happened to you being fulfilled outside of marriage? What's your answer when you turn that question on yourself? And your tone here is a bit mocking... as if to say if I was doing everything pleasing to God then I wouldn't have all this turmoil. That's hurtful.
Him: NO No please don;t think that I am being hurtful. I'm not. And forgive me if it comes off that way. I would never embarrass you. You are right...I have said that I knew I couldn't stay single. I HAD to have a wife. I NEED SEX.. NEED IT. And I don't play the five-knuckle shuffle!!!!! But as a man, I can approach women and analyze whether I want to date them and marry them. But as a woman, it is wise for you to be found. That's the difference. I know you have asked GOd about this. What has GOD said to you in response to your frustration?
Me: That's a cop out and you gotta know that on some level. I'm really surprised right now. Women want and need sex, too. Men and women can live celibate lives, too. Is there anything in the Bible that says that men have extra permission to fulfill their sexual desires and women just have to suffer? You're right. You made a choice to get married. I should have that same choice as well. You're also right in that you can just freely go and find a wife but between the Bible and society, the woman is supposed to sit back and be found. It's a wicked arrangement, esp. when it makes me look like I'm deficient, disabled, unworthy because a man has yet to ask me to marry him.
Him: The sex reference was not saying that women shouldn't be want that too. Say if I never found a women I thought was compatible, then I'd have to face the possibility of being single and could I live with it? YES! I'm OK with it. THAT was my point
Him: I'm not saying that men can do things woman can. You spun that one. But here lies the problem: "esp. when it makes me look like I'm deficient, disabled, unworthy because a man has yet to ask me to marry him."
WHERE WHY AND HOW DOES NOT BEING ASKED OUT EQUATE DEFICIENCY??????
That;s where it seems you are falling in a rut. It does not.
Me: "But as a man, I can approach women and analyze whether I want to date them and marry them. But as a woman, it is wise for you to be found. That's the difference."
That's what you just said. That implies that men CAN do things that women CANNOT do. You know how it is deficient? Imagine your current wife had rejected your marriage proposal. It seems deficient because it seems that a part of my life that I really want cannot happen unless/until marriage happens. Can't have sex until marriage. Gotta have sex to make a baby. That's all connected, according to the Bible.
So the further this goes along, well.... Well.... I don't want to say how painful...how unbearable that could be.
Him: didn't say you can not, I said it is WISE to be found. You can do what you want. But You better please God. You in a hurry fir something you can;t possibly know about.
Me: And you should recognize the cruelty in mocking my desires by implying that I are wrong for wanting something that you have (whether it's good or bad or otherwise). So why is it so wise to be found?
End of email exchange. What say you?