how your upbringing has shaped your relationships as an adult

[DarkJoy]

No relationship to any parent, pretty self sufficient... Havent really dated as I thought it was education, career, family... Still working on career, soooooo far no real relationship, keep choosing the wrong men...

uggghhhhh, at this point I am a homebody dont get out much... I need to change some things up in life, create/envision life, something (never foresaw living past 30 truth)!!!!

Being unemployed doesnt help either... Just all around not feeling worthy...

@AnjelLuvsUBabe, I feel you. I didn't think I'd see 20. Sometimes when the fam is so jacked up its best to keep your distance for you own sanity. Just be careful that you don't distance yourself from the world.

You seem very bright and very goal oriented (as I am, yes indeedy!). Maybe, like you say, envisioning your life, but going that step further and making a real goal from that vision. But make them small ones that work towards your larger vision for each day, like getting out and going here this day, and doing that on Thursday...just for being social and whatnot. It's a slow process but can be done... I have faith in you.

Much hugs to you and good vibes for a bright future.

 

[DarkJoy]

^^^Sorry, that was a tangent from the OP....

 

[MsSanz92]

Well my parents separated when I was 8, and I haven't seen my father since I was 11. Most of my adolescence I was alone a lot because my mother worked the evening shift and my older sisters were adults already (one was away in college when I was in HS). Like another poster said, my mother was there, but not there, which why me and her don't have the best relationship. I love her dearly and we get along for the most part, but I don't talk to her about my love/personal life NEARLY as much as my friends do, and I'm somewhat envious of that.

As far as my relationship with men, I'm very cautious of men. I also get annoyed quickly with guys and NEED lots of attention. If I don't get the attention I want, I shut down and become very cold. I'm working on being more vocal about my needs but I still relapse. I also don't have the best taste in men and usually settle for whoever gives me the most attention, as in the case of the last guy I was seriously involved with, which turned out to not work out for various reasons. He was not on the same wavelength as me but I continued to see him because he was attentive and emotionally satisfying. To my own credit, I don't think my issues with men ALL relate to my upbringing, but it does play a significant part to my disposition not just to dating but people in general. I think if anything, the way I interact with people aligns most with me being a Leo LOL (being stubborn, needing lots of flattery/attention, etc.) I'm still young so I have time to truly know what I want from men and out of a relationship.

 

[awhyley]

my parents are still together.
My father is my "canvas" for what i should look for.
He didn't have to tell me anything...his actions spoke
I have ALWAYS been very aware of how men treat me VS how my father treats my mother.

I will not deal with anything less than that. I have my father to thank for that visual

You're very lucky. My father is the very opposite of what I'm looking for. He was just very impersonable and often had temper tantrums while we (my sister and I) were growing up. However, because he's in his own words 'a great provider', he thinks that he's father of the year every day or something. I would burst his bubble, but I know that he's too delusional to hear any of it.

My mother put up with (and still is putting up with alot) from him, and I'm not looking to repeat the pattern, which is why I rarely date. In the back of my mind, I'm terrified of repeating the pattern, which is why I keep telling myself that I need to be self sufficient before I get into anything serious, but I never seem to reach that point (or moving the goalpost). I really have to stop doing that.

I didn't know how a woman should be treated. I saw it in other families, but I didn't know how it FELT...to be loved.....I tried my best to be as close to perfect as possible, because I felt it was the only way my parents would notice me.
Fast forward and I am closing in on 39 and still haven't been LOVED.....

But the one thing I am learning now is that crlsweetie is OK! With my faults, and quirks. I am ME! And a DAM good ME! And whoever doesn't like me, can kick rocks! I no longer have that longing to be accepted.....I'll be who I am and if I'm single forever, at least I won't have to deal with a loveless, abusive marriage. And I'm ok with that!

Ditto to the bolded, but the underlined makes me sad (for us both).

@MzLady78 as I got older I started searching for someone to fill the void. I don't think it's a good thing to do, hence, why I feel the way I do now. and at the underlined it's funny I wish I was less guarded I just honestly don't know what their true intentions are and at the italic I so cosign with you. I want to talk to a therapist, but unfortuanately, I just feel they are secretly judging me . It's just so damn diffucult. Ugh, things are just tough all over for me.

Don't look at it as them 'judging' you; they need to know the background, so that they can help you move forward.

No relationship to any parent, pretty self sufficient... Havent really dated as I thought it was education, career, family... Still working on career, soooooo far no real relationship, keep choosing the wrong men...

uggghhhhh, at this point I am a homebody dont get out much... I need to change some things up in life, create/envision life, something (never foresaw living past 30 truth)!!!!

Being unemployed doesnt help either... Just all around not feeling worthy...

This too shall pass.

 

[LilMissRed]

My childhood has TOTALLY had a somewhat negative effect on my adult life.
Growing up not knowing who my father was.. having a mom who I pretty much only saw on the weekends and eventually having a step father who molested me for YEARS.. yeah.. I'm pretty screwed up.

Ive just recently (say within the past 10 yrs) stopped dogging men out just because I could and have found happiness with a man that I can truly say I love/respect/want to be with (and only him) and who I've allowed to love me.

I've cut A LOT of family members out of my life because of my upbringing and I cant say I regret it at all. My mother and I are cordial at best, and I limit my interaction with her. My childhood is nothing good to reflect on.

It has made me a better mother for my children I think tho... They're childhood has been the complete opposite of mine.. I make a point of making sure of it..

 

[AlwaysNatural]

My father left when I was a baby. He was very rude to me, only came by and took us out once a week. Not gentle at all. Only favoured his "great son". And never ever held a good conversation with me. I've literally never ever had a actual conversation with my dad in my 18 years of life. My mom also never really nurtured or provided the love i needed and it had nothing to do with being busy because she rarely ever was. I got no hugs, if I cried I was yelled at. She'd always tell me to stop bothering her.

As a result I find myself "emotionally attracted" to nurturing, gentle women and I find myself liking older men varying from 3-6 years older than me because I want a wise, provider type man not cowardice, angry loser like my dad. Both of my parents have both orally said that perhaps it were better that I were not born and as a result I find myself being very needy in my relationships with friends and guys that I like. I also am very picky and avoid certain types of men who express certain traits, behaviours and beliefs and never have been in a relationship because I have a hard time believing people or someone actually loves me and will not leave me because they think I am boring or find someone better.

 

[Lucie]

It made me verbally abusive and always waiting to be abandoned. And even subconsciously making people leave me from being exasperated. Definitely NOT a great recipe for building a loving marriage. It took a lot to stop the cycle. I'd say the most hurtful things, feel bad, be nice, say the most hurtful things, feel bad, promise to be nicer, say even worse things! I realized that although I hated how I grew up, I strove to recreate exactly what I had known, which is verbal abuse. I took a cold, hard look at myself and each time I feel old habits trying to come back in, I run in the opposite direction with my behavior.

I guess that is why I felt bad for Chris Brown because I could relate in doing what I hated seeing in my household.

The being abandoned thing is the last thing I am diligently working on. I cannot tell you how many times my mother would leave me. If she felt I was annoying her, she'd get off last minute as the train doors were closing and I had to find my way back home. In those days, I always wrote down each train stop if she decided to run off and leave or points of attraction or major thoroughfares on the bus. I always hid my money in the back of my Cricket doll's tape recorder because she'd steal my money or cash in my tokens (no MetroCards back then).

As an adult I pushed so many people away to give myself the upperhand of not being left. It wrecked my marriage. I could never trust anyone enough. I can't believe I shared that but I am being honest.

I am not where I want to be in my life but am proud of the kind, loving woman that I am. It's funny because my man says he cannot ever imagine me being anything but a Haitian Mother Theresa. That makes me proud because it means that I have totally broken the shackles. And it means I finally feel comfortable to become a mother because I know the abuse is not hereditary. For a LONG time I really thought I could become a Mommy Dearest.

(((HUGS))) to you all that have suffered or are still suffering. Hang in there. It does get better, you are your OWN woman and your past does not have to determine your future! xoxo

 

[MzLady78]

Lucie, you have definitely come a long way. You are by far one of the sweetest people I know.

Abandonment issues....yeah, I'm realizing I have those too. I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. If I don't get a response to a text for a few hours, I'm wondering if I'm ever gonna hear from the person again. And there's always a legitimate reason and I end up feeling stupid. But not stupid enough to not respond the same way the next time happens.

I think that's not just because of my father, but because I've had a few guys just drop of the face of the earth.

 

[Lucie]

@Lucie, you have definitely come a long way. You are by far one of the sweetest people I know.

Abandonment issues....yeah, I'm realizing I have those too. I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. If I don't get a response to a text for a few hours, I'm wondering if I'm ever gonna hear from the person again. And there's always a legitimate reason and I end up feeling stupid. But not stupid enough to not respond the same way the next time happens.

I think that's not just because of my father, but because I've had a few guys just drop of the face of the earth.

MzLady78, (((HUGS))) thank you.

I feel the same way you do. And like you, I come up with all of these scenarios and when I find out I'm wrong, I swear it's the last time........ until I go and do it again.

 

[DragonPearl]

It made me verbally abusive and always waiting to be abandoned. And even subconsciously making people leave me from being exasperated. Definitely NOT a great recipe for building a loving marriage. It took a lot to stop the cycle. I'd say the most hurtful things, feel bad, be nice, say the most hurtful things, feel bad, promise to be nicer, say even worse things! I realized that although I hated how I grew up, I strove to recreate exactly what I had known, which is verbal abuse. I took a cold, hard look at myself and each time I feel old habits trying to come back in, I run in the opposite direction with my behavior.

I guess that is why I felt bad for Chris Brown because I could relate in doing what I hated seeing in my household.

The being abandoned thing is the last thing I am diligently working on. I cannot tell you how many times my mother would leave me. If she felt I was annoying her, she'd get off last minute as the train doors were closing and I had to find my way back home. In those days, I always wrote down each train stop if she decided to run off and leave or points of attraction or major thoroughfares on the bus. I always hid my money in the back of my Cricket doll's tape recorder because she'd steal my money or cash in my tokens (no MetroCards back then).

As an adult I pushed so many people away to give myself the upperhand of not being left. It wrecked my marriage. I could never trust anyone enough. I can't believe I shared that but I am being honest.

I am not where I want to be in my life but am proud of the kind, loving woman that I am. It's funny because my man says he cannot ever imagine me being anything but a Haitian Mother Theresa. That makes me proud because it means that I have totally broken the shackles. And it means I finally feel comfortable to become a mother because I know the abuse is not hereditary. For a LONG time I really thought I could become a Mommy Dearest.

(((HUGS))) to you all that have suffered or are still suffering. Hang in there. It does get better, you are your OWN woman and your past does not have to determine your future! xoxo

I literally shivered when I read the bolded. I can't imagining a mother (especially a Haitian one) worthy of the name acting like that. That is child abuse and endangerment. I am just speechless.

 

[Fine 4s]

I have a deep fear that plays out in all my relationships with friends, lovers etc. That fear is of abandonment or specifically of being replaced.

I felt like my dad replaced me and I am/was quite jealous of his relationship with his son. I understand it, I don't even long for a relationship with him nor does/did he EVER seem to want one with me even after my mom passed away in my 20s and by then lived in the US. I have a very vivid memory of my dad, walking away from me as I cried and cried my heart out. My mom and I lived in Haiti and he lived in the US during the separation I guess (maybe they had divorced by then, no sure I was about 5 or even 6.)

With every break up I feel a deep sense of loss, of anxiety and question 'what's wrong with me' or that I wasn't good enough to keep someone's attention....Le sigh. I'm more aware of that lil' voice in my head and I try not to allow it to control making the right decisions. Most likely that voice will always be there, I just recognize it and put it in its proper context.

 

[LoveisYou]

They definitely did - abandonment, rejection and having to be slf-sufficient.

Growing up I had to bottle up a lot inside to be "strong" for myself and my little sister. It forced me to mature early and I'm very guarded. For a loooooooooong time I struggled with being vulnerable, because I had to put up a defense mechanism as a teen to deal with the constant verbal abuse. This defense mechanism entered by relationships, I would not allow myself to be vulnerable, because I saw it as weak.
I also struggled with rejection and abandonment and for awhile I attracted emotionally unavailable men.

I decided one day I couldn't continue the same unhealthy cycle in my life and decided to make changes. I sought therapy (I really recommend it). Having a relationship with God helped me tenfold too.

 

[firecracker]

Actually its been cool because I got to see how relationships and people grow together thru the years. My parents went thru growing pains at the appropriate ages and stages of a 30plus year marriage. My Dad did stupid things in his early twenties and my mother gave him an ultimatum This family or your wild arse siblings/family. He chose his family/us. My Dad spoiled my mom and us. He was our hands on daily cook, grocery shopper, ATM, coach, hair comber, nurse maid etc like his father. Thankfully it rubbed off on quite a few of the men in my family.

We were lucky as hell and I never accepted less. Bow down, respect and care for all the women in your family/life or get the hell on! I'm just like my mammy!!!