how your upbringing has shaped your relationships as an adult

janaq2003

janaq2003

Well-Known Member
It is amazing to see my past as a child growing up in a dysfunctional household trying to rear it's ugly head in my adult relationships. How has your past affected you? This purely for insightful purposes so we may all be able to encourage and build off of each others coping mechanisms.
 
Without going into a whole lot of detail...Both my parents in an effort to protect me thought they were encouraging me to be a self sufficient strong woman. But the way they did it, help to foster lack of trust in people in general. It's like I was raised not to believe in the good of anyone or trust anyone. Did they do this on purpose? No. Did the even actually say those words to me? No. But it was always implied. That has rared it's ugly head in a few of my relationships.
When you've heard more than once by more than one SO that "I am not your enemy, why dont you trust me?" as a result of anything I may have said or done....that's a problem. I have recently began working on those issues.
 
In a lot of negative ways.

What is interesting is that my sisters and I were each raised a little differently enough to have a big impact on the way each of us experiences relationships. For example, I was spanked way more frequently as a child. It wasn't because I was the more mischievous one but because I was the older one.

Fortunately, I've unlearned a few things but I still have some ways to go.
 
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I've been pretty candid about that having daddy issues as a result of not really having my father around during my formative years (parents split up when I was 14 and starting to be more aware of boys and sex, etc.)

When my father left, we had JUST moved from an apartment into a house. Subsequently, my mom started having money problems and eventually filled for bankruptcy. As a result, I refuse to ever be in a position where I am financially dependent on a man. I am all for having money stashed in case he decides to act a fool, something that I know a lot of women on here have voiced opinions against.

You go into relationships/marriages with the best intentions, but life happens. The longer I live, the more examples of this I'm shown.
 
Ladies thanks for sharing. I come from an alcoholic household and I can see things I felt and wanted as a child as "normal" (affection, reassurance and emotional stability) which I have now as an adult, abnormal. I go through moments where I feel the need to sabotage when things seem "too normal" because this is what I was used to. Because of this, my DH is catching the brunt of it.
 
My upbringing caused me to be too self-reliant which has stopped me from trusting anyone fully. Also, my self-reliance had me saying I didn't need a man for anything other than companionship, so my standards for men were non-existent. Affection, exclusivity, commitment, not having kids and having ANY job were considered bonuses but as long as he was present in my life, I was happy. Those were dark days....
 
janaq2003 said:
Ladies thanks for sharing. I come from an alcoholic household and I can see things I felt and wanted as a child as "normal" (affection, reassurance and emotional stability) which I have now as an adult, abnormal. I go through moments where I feel the need to sabotage when things seem "too normal" because this is what I was used to. Because of this, my DH is catching the brunt of it.
Click to expand...

Ditto. I found myself clinging to men who had no respect for me because they once gave me affection, reassurance and emotional stability that I had been craving. The stuff they got away with is shameful :nono:.
 
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My dad worked a lot so I put a TON of emphasis on spending QT with someone. Its the most important thing to me in a relationship: time together. Maybe those levels are codependent, i'm not really sure but I know it's been a point of contention for me in the past-- even though I am generally someone who needs personal space.

My parents were together till death did them part a few years ago. They had a better relationship than most ( though not perfect-- no one has perfect) but I always felt we came second to everyone outside of the house to my father even though through many candid and frank conversations with my father I see ( purely on a cerebral level) that he saw his time away as sacrifice to make us as confortable as possible. Emotionally I still think I connect achievement ad a way to get attention ( could always get dad to every concert recital, game, you name it) I think I may require more attention than other people do to feel secure, and I think its a major factor in why I occasionally go through periods where I work myself to the bone.

I also think my dad set the bar very high in other ways.

One of my closest friends feels similarly of her father and attention paid in the home v. out of the home, but she still has dificulty discussing it with him.

Sent from my iPhone
 
I come from a home where my father was absent and my mom was basically the same since she lived at work. she was physically present, but mentally and emotionally absent. I require more attention than most due to me not having my needs met growing up. I end up dating men who are emotionally unavailable since my mom was pretty much that way do to her suffering from depression during my childhood . I have realized that I tend to date guys who are unable to commit since my father was never there so a man has never been a constant in my life. and also because the feeling of being abandoned is such a familiar feeling, I usually date someone who will fulfill that for me even though it hurts.

My mom was extremely strong and self sufficient and I turned out to be the same way. I don't invest much in relationships because I was taught nonverbally that a man will just leave you. I also have a hard time allowing myself to emotionally connect with guys because I fear that they will leave me like my father did. I also crave reassurance a lot since that was also something I didn't get from my parents.


I am currently working out my issues so they do not negatively effect my future relationships.
 
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I've posted many times on here about my childhood. It really affected my marriage and how I cared for my daughters. For years I tried to be the perfect mother and I took everything my husband did or said personally. It has taken me years to heal from my past. My marriage and family life are a hundred times better now, but I am still healing. Don't give up ladies, there is a better and happier life on the other side.
 
No father in the home for first 8 years of life + then a stepfather for 4 years then divorce and being the co-parent for 2 half siblings = being very selective about who I date. I like men and can have healthy relationships but I tend to keep them at an arms length for the most part, until I feel comfortable. Which can take a while. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but I think I might have started dating at a younger age if I didn't see my mother's relationships end in misery and disaster. Sorry Mom. :lol:
 
i bounced back between the homes of my single father and married mother with three other sisters. while my father worked as a truck driver i spent alot of time by myself. while with my mother in a home of six people and two of my sisters belonging to my step father i often felt alienated and again alone. my mother rearing methods consisted of constantly pointing my faults and things wrong without many positive reinforcements. i often assumed that my mother has (still) a low opinion of me but thats another story.


Ive only been in two real realationships as an adult and in both the men labeled me as clingy and needy. insecure with self esteem problems smh lol. i know that there are some truths in those labels and now i just avoid men and relationships all together fearful that these issues will surface again.

on my own i come off as very strong and independant (so ive been told) and it surprises people when mention that i have these "issues".
 
mallysmommy: I now what u mean. If people knew half of what I deal with they would be totallu surprised! I have to put up this hard but laid back front when I really feel another way
 
my parents are still together.
My father is my "canvas" for what i should look for.
He didn't have to tell me anything...his actions spoke
I have ALWAYS been very aware of how men treat me VS how my father treats my mother.

I will not deal with anything less than that. I have my father to thank for that visual
 
I'm too tired to go into details here, but I'm happy to share that those dynamics are finally unraveling their hold on my life, happiness....

Its taken a lifetime to address, work through....
 
My parents never married but I've had a stepfather from age one. I'd say it positively affected me in that my mother was able to be home with me for most of my childhood. She did plant a bad seed in my head of arrogance by constantly making a point that my stepdad was only there to pay the bills and she could always find someone else if he ever messed up and that is how I should be when I grew up. She knew she was smart and attractive:rolleyes: When I was in middle school he died and she remarried just to act the same way. She was/is very verbally abusive towards both of them and I found myself getting that way not long after I married. It seems we picked the same kind of men too even though I married mine on a whim at 18. They just take it, go to work, come home and try not to make us angry:perplexed I'm working on it though.
 
MzLady78 said:
I've been pretty candid about that having daddy issues as a result of not really having my father around during my formative years (parents split up when I was 14 and starting to be more aware of boys and sex, etc.)

When my father left, we had JUST moved from an apartment into a house. Subsequently, my mom started having money problems and eventually filled for bankruptcy. As a result, I refuse to ever be in a position where I am financially dependent on a man. I am all for having money stashed in case he decides to act a fool, something that I know a lot of women on here have voiced opinions against.

You go into relationships/marriages with the best intentions, but life happens. The longer I live, the more examples of this I'm shown.
Click to expand...

MzLady78 I remember reading your candid posts about your daddy issues and I remember myself :yep: at a lot of what you said. I myself have my daddy issues and they have affected me throughout my lack of relationships.

My father was there when I was young but then he became in and out then just out. I didn't have that father figure to tell me what to look and look out for; only my mother.And she herself has her own issues with men, so I didn't know what to think. Since I wasn't really sure, I just guarded myself. I still do it to this day. Whereas my younger sister dates older men and now a younger man I am cautious of men who show interest in me. Hell, she's even had more bf's than me :lachen:

My lack of a father really messed me up. As I'm getting older, I'm starting to open up more and I guess figure out everything myself. It's hard, but it's coming along.
 
I'm jacked up and freely admit it.

My parents are still together in the same house after 40 years.

They HATE each other. Always have. They are the poster parents for how divorce can be a mercy on the children. They never physically fought at least. But the venom and hatred they spoke about each other to us, their kids. Shameful. Even to this day.

My dad was never home sometimes working two jobs. Most, I think, in attempt to avoid my mother. However, he didn't care that he was leaving his children at home with a mentally ill woman (schizophrenia), who refused medication and treatment.

BTW, they did divorce at 30 years, but their co-dependence does not allow them to live separate lives so they still live together. Good thing anyway, because my mother is too far gone in her mental illness to really care for herself. My dad is truly disgusted but won't do anything to this day.

And they're both in their late 60s.

So, you can guess the type of man I married. And after 20 years married and the last 8 of those years on the professional couch, you can guess what happened. I learned. Got the courage to live on my own for the 1st time in my life at nearly 40. Now I'm doing it. I won't be dysfunctional until I'm in the ground. My DD does not need the same examples her mother was shown.

I'm sorry for my daughter that she has to live between two house, but you know what? My history has shown that staying together for the children can be so much worse. History won't be repeating here.

She deserves better. So do I.

ETA: I've only had the one 20-year relationship, so I have no clue how my history nor the 8 years getting my head shrunk out of it will affect my next relationship. I do know, he'll have a helluva time earning my trust.
 
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I just want to say I really like and appreciate this thread. Thank you OP for starting it. One thing you continuously learn on a message board is that you are never alone with anything you may have gone through. My hat goes off to all of you for having the courage and even empathy to share your stories.
 
JFemme said:
I'm too tired to go into details here, but I'm happy to share that those dynamics are finally unraveling their hold on my life, happiness....

Its taken a lifetime to address, work through....
Click to expand...

Completely agree with the bolded:yep: To the first part of your post, praise God for the unravelling.
 
My sister and I were both born before my parents married. And I truly believe to this day that they should have NEVER gotten married. The only thing that I learned is to take a bunch of **** from a man and let him keep coming back. My mother endured hell from my drug addicted father for almost 30 years....She didn't divorce him until he beat her and burst her eardrum....:ohwell:
(and it took over a year after that for her to be finally done with him)
I didn't know how a woman should be treated. I saw it in other families, but I didn't know how it FELT...to be loved.....I tried my best to be as close to perfect as possible, because I felt it was the only way my parents would notice me.
Fast forward and I am closing in on 39 and still haven't been LOVED.....
And my mom married another jackass even worse than my dad. So the cycle continues.
But the one thing I am learning now is that crlsweetie is OK! With my faults, and quirks. I am ME! And a DAM good ME! And whoever doesn't like me, can kick rocks! I no longer have that longing to be accepted.....I'll be who I am and if I'm single forever, at least I won't have to deal with a loveless, abusive marriage. And I'm ok with that!
 
DirtyJerzeyGirly said:
@MzLady78 I remember reading your candid posts about your daddy issues and I remember myself :yep: at a lot of what you said. I myself have my daddy issues and they have affected me throughout my lack of relationships.

My father was there when I was young but then he became in and out then just out. I didn't have that father figure to tell me what to look and look out for; only my mother.And she herself has her own issues with men, so I didn't know what to think. Since I wasn't really sure, I just guarded myself. I still do it to this day. Whereas my younger sister dates older men and now a younger man I am cautious of men who show interest in me. Hell, she's even had more bf's than me :lachen:

My lack of a father really messed me up. As I'm getting older, I'm starting to open up more and I guess figure out everything myself. It's hard, but it's coming along.
Click to expand...

@DirtyJerzeyGirly, the funny thing is IDK what's worse- shutting down or what I did, which was just keep searching and searching for someone to fill that void. I've said in other threads that at this point, I'm amazed that I'm even still capable of loving someone considering how much bulls**** I've been through with men in my life. I wish I could be more guarded and less open at times. I'm the epitome of someone who wears their heart on their sleeve, you NEVER have to guess where you stand with me or how I feel about you. Chances are, I done told you 50-11 times. :look: But I guess the real solution is to be more discerning about who I open myself up to. And that's something I'm learning I'm not going to be able to get a handle on alone, which is why I need to resume my search for a therapist.
 
MzLady78 said:
@DirtyJerzeyGirly, the funny thing is IDK what's worse- shutting down or what I did, which was just keep searching and searching for someone to fill that void. I've said in other threads that at this point, I'm amazed that I'm even still capable of loving someone considering how much bulls**** I've been through with men in my life. I wish I could be more guarded and less open at times. I'm the epitome of someone who wears their heart on their sleeve, you NEVER have to guess where you stand with me or how I feel about you. Chances are, I done told you 50-11 times. :look: But I guess the real solution is to be more discerning about who I open myself up to. And that's something I'm learning I'm not going to be able to get a handle on alone, which is why I need to resume my search for a therapist.
Click to expand...

MzLady78 as I got older I started searching for someone to fill the void. I don't think it's a good thing to do, hence, why I feel the way I do now. and at the underlined it's funny I wish I was less guarded :lachen: I just honestly don't know what their true intentions are :nono: and at the italic I so cosign with you. I want to talk to a therapist, but unfortuanately, I just feel they are secretly judging me :spinning:. It's just so damn diffucult. Ugh, things are just tough all over for me.
 
No relationship to any parent, pretty self sufficient... Havent really dated as I thought it was education, career, family... Still working on career, soooooo far no real relationship, keep choosing the wrong men...

uggghhhhh, at this point I am a homebody dont get out much... I need to change some things up in life, create/envision life, something (never foresaw living past 30 truth)!!!!

Being unemployed doesnt help either... Just all around not feeling worthy... :ohwell:
 
poochie167 said:
my parents are still together.
My father is my "canvas" for what i should look for.
He didn't have to tell me anything...his actions spoke
I have ALWAYS been very aware of how men treat me VS how my father treats my mother.

I will not deal with anything less than that. I have my father to thank for that visual
Click to expand...
THIS. All day. My parents are approaching their 30th anniversary next month. My dad's never had a conversation with me on how a man should treat me. He showed me through his actions.

I've learned what kind of relationship I do and don't from watching my parents. They have their issues like any other couple. But now I'm learning where my boundaries are and holding people to them.:yep:
 
AnjelLuvsUBabe said:
No relationship to any parent, pretty self sufficient... Havent really dated as I thought it was education, career, family... Still working on career, soooooo far no real relationship, keep choosing the wrong men...

uggghhhhh, at this point I am a homebody dont get out much... I need to change some things up in life, create/envision life, something (never foresaw living past 30 truth)!!!!

Being unemployed doesnt help either... Just all around not feeling worthy... :ohwell:
Click to expand...

AnjelLuvsUBabe, may I ask why you didn't forsee living past 30?

I know that feel unworthy feeling being unemployed brings. It was like I don't want a dude with no job, but I'm not even living up to my own standards right now.
 
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