How to let down a friend.

CarLiTa · Feb 23, 2013

Say you have a guy friend you've known for many years who has expressed interest in dating you several times and you do not feel the same way.
He is great, but there is no physical chemistry.

Every few months or so, he tries to spend one-on-one time with you... Not saying it is a date, but generally that is his approach.

How would you let him know to stop trying to get with you? To let him know that you only see him as a friend... Especially if you want to maintain the friendship and occasionally hang out (ideally in groups)...

TIA

*CherryPie* · Feb 23, 2013

Explain to him how wonderful you feel your friendship with him is, and that you wouldn't want to ruin your friendship. Many people have giving in to friends and the relationship was "blemished" as a result when the relationship didn't work out. Tell him how important he is to you and you don't want to risk losing him.

Most of the times, friendships should stay that way.

VioletWylde · Feb 24, 2013

Tell him that you don't want to ruin the friendship and you prefer to hang out in a group most of the time. The next time he tries to spend time one-on-one, refuse or insist on bringing a mutual friend (make sure they understand your position so that they won't encourage his behavior) to deter him from making overtures.

LovelyRo · Feb 24, 2013

I was in this situation a few years ago except I took my friend up on the offer. It's lasted all of a week and I was faced with the task of explaining to him that it wasn't going to work! I felt really bad because we've been friends for over 15 yrs and I didn't want to treat him like I would treat a random guy. So, I did what the other ladies suggested and told him that I felt like we were ruining our friendship. We're still cool and we still talk as sporadically as we did before... Thank God I ended things before our friendship suffered!

CarLiTa · Feb 25, 2013

Thanks for the responses!
Said friend invited me to brunch this weekend and I told him I would likely not be able to make it because of another commitment. I didn't go to that other commitment and was chilling in my bed... He texted asking what I decided to do... and I never responded :ohwell:

I DO need to have that conversation, but I feel awkward having it with him AGAIN. Two years ago, we went on a few dates, and I told him that I didn't want to start anything I couldn't finish with him... Guess that was too vague... I also never let him kiss me, even after many dates. It was his birthday 2 weeks ago, and I kissed him on the cheek. He must have thought that was a NEW opening. Lawd. Ugh. I feel awkward about having this conversation again... I might just tell him that I'm really into someone else these days... and hope he gets the message.

hopeful · Feb 25, 2013

I wouldn't have that uncomfortable conversation with him again :nono:

. He knows you are not interested in him like that but is ignoring that and making you uncomfortable. I would just keep turning down one on one dates and play dumb cause that's what he's doing, playing dumb. If he's that interested in you then he should be upfront and ask for what he wants again and then you can be clear again that you don't want to date him.

ThickHair · Feb 25, 2013

Don't hang with him alone or stop hanging out with him. Everytime he is with you, he feels he has an in. That is a bit sad on his part.

It is flattering, but in the end it is going to be a big ole mess. I say cut your losses.

*CherryPie* · Feb 25, 2013

The OP never mentions a previous conversation. So we're assuming this is number one.

hopeful said:
I wouldn't have that uncomfortable conversation with him again . He knows you are not interested in him like that but is ignoring that and making you uncomfortable. I would just keep turning down one on one dates and play dumb cause that's what he's doing, playing dumb. If he's that interested in you then he should be upfront and ask for what he wants again and then you can be clear again that you don't want to date him.

janiebaby · Feb 25, 2013

CarLiTa said:
Say you have a guy friend you've known for many years who has expressed interest in dating you several times and you do not feel the same way.
He is great, but there is no physical chemistry.

Every few months or so, he tries to spend one-on-one time with you... Not saying it is a date, but generally that is his approach.

How would you let him know to stop trying to get with you? To let him know that you only see him as a friend... Especially if you want to maintain the friendship and occasionally hang out (ideally in groups)...

TIA

Girl, I played this game before and it did not end well. We are only friends in spirit because we no longer see or talk to each other. He feels like I blew him off and I did. I don't see what the problem was because, well by blowing his advances off, I felt that it was letting him down easy while continuing our friendship.

So, looking back, I still don't quite know what I did wrong because I felt like his advances weren't all that direct either so it didn't force us to have a serious convo tho yeah I knew he liked me and he knew I knew he liked me it was just a dangerous game.

If you feel comfortable with putting it out there, let him know that you're just interested in being friends but you don't want to lead him on and if he doesn't feel comfortable with not advancing any further with you then you'll understand his decision.

Whatever you do, acknowledge the situation, do not blow off his advances. He'll either say ok and stop trying to date you, or he'll say ok and continue trying to date you, or he'll say ok and stop talking to you or maybe he wont let you off the hook and will expound on how he's such a great guy who doesn't know what you don't see in him :lol:

(girl, this has happened but not with a guy friend).

Oops didn't see the second post.

PopLife · Feb 25, 2013

hopeful said:
I wouldn't have that uncomfortable conversation with him again . He knows you are not interested in him like that but is ignoring that and making you uncomfortable. I would just keep turning down one on one dates and play dumb cause that's what he's doing, playing dumb. If he's that interested in you then he should be upfront and ask for what he wants again and then you can be clear again that you don't want to date him.

I hate when guys do this. It feels like they are trying to force their will on you regardless of how you feel...it's selfish.

VioletWylde · Feb 25, 2013

CarLiTa said:
Thanks for the responses!
Said friend invited me to brunch this weekend and I told him I would likely not be able to make it because of another commitment. I didn't go to that other commitment and was chilling in my bed... He texted asking what I decided to do... and I never responded

I DO need to have that conversation, but I feel awkward having it with him AGAIN. Two years ago, we went on a few dates, and I told him that I didn't want to start anything I couldn't finish with him... Guess that was too vague... I also never let him kiss me, even after many dates. It was his birthday 2 weeks ago, and I kissed him on the cheek. He must have thought that was a NEW opening. Lawd. Ugh. I feel awkward about having this conversation again... I might just tell him that I'm really into someone else these days... and hope he gets the message.

Oh he knows better, but he is going to try and amplify any kind of affection that you show him. So, don't show him anymore. No more kisses at all, sideways hugs and avoid unnecessary physical contact. If he acts up with a hug, move to a handshake. If he holds on too long, move to a high-five.

A lot of men are hard-headed. Don't give him any room to say that you were sending him mixed signals. Be up-front with him and make sure your actions match. Ask a trusted mutual friend if you've been doing anything that could be interpreted as showing romantic interest in this guy. If you're sweet by nature, you might have to reel that in with him.

Also, I know that there are some guys out there who will just refuse to only be friends. At the point that there is no middle-ground, you have to part ways. If you're really not into him, you might have to let him go for both of your sakes. You can say "Look friendsname, all that I can offer you is friendship. If that's not enough, I understand your need to discontinue our interactions."

Be honest, be firm. You don't want to end up with one of those old "default boyfriend" situations.

hopeful · Feb 25, 2013

*CherryPie*
My reply was based on the bolded in her follow-up post.

CarLiTa said:
Thanks for the responses!
Said friend invited me to brunch this weekend and I told him I would likely not be able to make it because of another commitment. I didn't go to that other commitment and was chilling in my bed... He texted asking what I decided to do... and I never responded

I DO need to have that conversation, but I feel awkward having it with him AGAIN. Two years ago, we went on a few dates, and I told him that I didn't want to start anything I couldn't finish with him... Guess that was too vague... I also never let him kiss me, even after many dates. It was his birthday 2 weeks ago, and I kissed him on the cheek. He must have thought that was a NEW opening. Lawd. Ugh. I feel awkward about having this conversation again... I might just tell him that I'm really into someone else these days... and hope he gets the message.

CarLiTa · Feb 26, 2013

I spent yesterday's conversation with him being very distant. He eventually asked me about brunch this weekend and I told him that I ended up sticking to my other commitment. After that, I kept the conversation short. I'm definitely nice to him (sweet, maybe?) but I am also suuuuuuper flaky, precisely to indicate lack of interest. One would think my flakiness would make it clear.

VioletWylde · Feb 26, 2013

Some guys like flaky women. A resistant woman makes for a better chase. If you are sweet, he may see your indecisiveness as meekness and find that attractive. How long have you known this guy? Did you date anyone during the time that you've known him? If so, how did he react to that?

I had to learn that it's not about the message you think you're sending. It's about how he perceives it. I was always trying to be nice and that compromised my ability to be clear. If there is even a shadow of a doubt in his mind, he will cling to that imaginary glimmer. Does he know better? Probably.

There is that quote "I reject your reality and substitute my own." If you consistently shoot this man down and he isn't taking no for an answer (and I mean a real "NO" not a hint), he is delusional. Be careful.

ThickHair · Feb 26, 2013

VioletWylde said:
There is that quote "I reject your reality and substitute my own." If you consistently shoot this man down and he isn't taking no for an answer (and I mean a real "NO" not a hint), he is delusional. Be careful.

Not to mention, that is very stalkerish.

**SaSSy** · Feb 26, 2013

Just tell him, you cool, but I see you more as a brother.

Case closed!

Crystalicequeen123 · Feb 27, 2013

Awww..... I feel your pain CarLiTa :ohwell:

I've been in this situation one TOO many times if you ask me. :nono:

I know how you feel... It's almost as if you feel STUCK between a rock and a hard place because on the ONE hand you probably like his company as a FRIEND, and don't want to hurt his feelings, but on the OTHER hand you don't want him to get the WRONG Idea about the two of you, yet....at the same time you don't really want to have that "conversation" again. :nono:

You know what I would do? Having also been the dumper AND the dumpee (ie. the "friend" who wants more), I would say that as hard as it is...you might have to have a casual "talk" with him letting him know...."we're just friends right?" :look:

Just making sure you two are on the "same page". :look:

You don't have to crush/blow his ego, but maybe you two DO have to have a heart to heart.

I say that because, when one of my guy friends played "dumb", it only made me think that we had a bit of a chance.

Because he wasn't saying "NO", I thought that maybe there was a hope for me.

erplexed I was younger and more naive back then lol. Plus.....who wants to go through life ducking and dodging this guy?? :look:

I know I don't. :nono:

That's no way to live either, and I feel like if you're TOO vague or simply "play dumb", he's just going to try to keep wearing you down and if you're REALLY not interested in him, then that can get tiring after a while. Sometimes it's just better to be honest and upfront (yet again) so that he can move on and you can live your life in PEACE. :yep:

If you don't want to go THAT route, then just throw around a couple of "hey buddy!" and "you're such a good FRIEND" lines his way and maybe he will get the point. :look:

Also, talking to him about OTHER guys you find attractive or want to date might give him a clue. Also, try to tell him that you would like to hook him up with one of your girl pals and maybe he will start getting the idea that you definitely don't want him for yourself. You know what I mean??

Btw....as far as physical chemistry, is this something you feel like you could EVER get over?? :look:

I mean, is he someone you would NEVER consider dating?? EVER?? I'm just wondering, because it seems like you two had dates in the past. What is it about him PHYSICALLY that is unattractive to you? :look:

I'm just saying..... Cuz SOMETIMES, some guy friends can surprise us and start dressing better, start losing weight, get all buff, and then turn into a person that surprises us and THEN we may start to see him differently lol... :look:

So, is the lack of physical chemistry something that is outward....something he can CHANGE?? OR is it just a lack of chemistry period?

erplexed

Just curious.... :grinwink:

CarLiTa · Feb 27, 2013

Crystalicequeen123, you're so cute.
I've known him since high school. We both came up to this city for college and catch up fairly regularly. This summer he invited me and my roommate to an event, and while we edge there, I met this girl whom I thought was super nice (even added her on FB afterward). She was visiting from out of town, and I remember thinking oh wow, that's a long way to come up for just a party.
He told me a few weeks ago that she was dating him, and that's why she was there. I was like: no way! Why didn't you say so? You both acted so nondescript about it. I asked him why they broke up and was like Aw, that's too bad. She seemed really nice.

As for him, yeah there's no chemistry. Not sure what it is, exactly... I've just never felt it. I don't think his personality and mine mesh that well, that's all. He's very boisterous, and I always feel really exhausted after hanging out with him :lol:

I need someone who can quiet down and chill. He also has a little weight on him, and I'm not attracted to that. He's lost most of it though. The personality mismatch is the biggest thing. Other than that, he seems great.

I like hanging out as a friend, in small doses. I just don't want to have to worry about him trying to make a move (lucky for him, he's never overt with it).

Crystalicequeen123 · Feb 27, 2013

CarLiTa said:
@Crystalicequeen123, you're so cute.
I've known him since high school. We both came up to this city for college and catch up fairly regularly. This summer he invited me and my roommate to an event, and while we edge there, I met this girl whom I thought was super nice (even added her on FB afterward). She was visiting from out of town, and I remember thinking oh wow, that's a long way to come up for just a party.
He told me a few weeks ago that she was dating him, and that's why she was there. I was like: no way! Why didn't you say so? You both acted so nondescript about it. I asked him why they broke up and was like Aw, that's too bad. She seemed really nice.

As for him, yeah there's no chemistry. Not sure what it is, exactly... I've just never felt it. I don't think his personality and mine mesh that well, that's all. He's very boisterous, and I always feel really exhausted after hanging out with him I need someone who can quiet down and chill. He also has a little weight on him, and I'm not attracted to that. He's lost most of it though. The personality mismatch is the biggest thing. Other than that, he seems great.

I like hanging out as a friend, in small doses. I just don't want to have to worry about him trying to make a move (lucky for him, he's never overt with it).

Lol!!

So wait a second let me get this straight.... He JUST broke up with his gf about 3 weeks ago?

*sigh*

You think maybe he's just wanting some "female energy"/company right about now since broke up with her?

I guess one thing is good, he probably knows now that you're not really into him like that because you wouldn't be saying "awww....too bad you and your gf broke up" if you secretly had feelings for him. :look:

Oh, and I feel you on the weight thing.

erplexed That is one thing I think I may not be able to handle too much of in a potential bf or husband. :ohwell:

I hate to seem shallow, but a LITTLE husky is okay, but OVERWEIGHT and chubby?? I'm sorry... :hand:

That would make me dry as a bone, not to mention my eggs would probably shrivel up :look:

. ESPECIALLY since men biologically have less body fat and gain lean body mass easier than women. :ohwell:

I don't think I could see him as anything more than a friend either. Again...it all DEPENDS too.

Oh and I know what you mean about personality too. The personality has to mesh hands DOWN. Otherwise, he can look like a greek Adonis, but if his personality is wack or incompatible with mine, then I'll have to say sayanora! :wave: