How much does religion or lack of one influence mate selection?

[VelvetRain]

So far this has recently come up in the gentleman I am seeing. I was raised in a Christian household all my life and attended weekly services with jehovahs witnesses. I later left the organization on my own accord in my mid twenties and tried to live the most normal life I could. As time grew on I had zero desire to be apart of any organized religion. I still believe in God but don't consider myself a religious person and that is okay. Fast forward here he is from the Methodist faith and attends services sporadically on Sunday. He just has a hard time really wanting to accept someone into his life in a longterm arrangement like a marriage if they werent exercising their faith before he met. What I clearly don't understand is why he was even talking to me from the get because I told him my past with regards to religion. His answer well I do like you. I told him my dealbreaker is that someone accept me for who I am upfront without attempting to get me to conform to their ideals. He understands that so we both decided to stay friends and not let the relationship progress further. I guess I news to start inquiring about religious beliefs with men now. It was never an issue in the past. It's certainly a non factor with me.

 

[NikStarrr]

It hardly matters to me. I was also raised in a VERY religious household and now I'm not really religious at all. I do appreciate some of the moral code, etc. that being "raised in church" gave me. So, my preference in a mate was someone who was raised/exposed to Christianity, but isn't "devout"/overly religious. Me and my DH are the same in that aspect and it works out for us.

 

[MzLady78]

I'm not religious either, so I probably wouldn't do well with someone who is. I have no desire to change or monitor my behavior so as to not make someone uncomfortable because it goes against their beliefs.

I will say I found it interesting though, that when I was doing the online dating thing, all the guys who identified as Christian, went to church every Sunday, etc., all had children and not one of them had ever been married, yet I, the heathen, am the childless one.

 

[Katherina]

It influences my mate selection because belief systems (or none at all) become quite important when raising children. As far as random dating is concerned - it doesn't matter for me. I'll mention religious incompatibility if I see the relationship heading toward a more serious future. I'd like for my future mate and I to have as much a non-conflictive relationship as is possible.

 

[VelvetRain]

Thanks for the input. I just can't fake the funk that I want to be somewhere where I have zero intrest in being over wanting to be with a guy. I value my freedom and my god given will to make my own choices. Besides I hardly feel going to church on Sunday on a sporadic basis hardly makes you super religious like he claimed but whatever.

 

[zzirvingj]

So far this has recently come up in the gentleman I am seeing. I was raised in a Christian household all my life and attended weekly services with jehovahs witnesses. I later left the organization on my own accord in my mid twenties and tried to live the most normal life I could. As time grew on I had zero desire to be apart of any organized religion. I still believe in God but don't consider myself a religious person and that is okay. Fast forward here he is from the Methodist faith and attends services sporadically on Sunday. He just has a hard time really wanting to accept someone into his life in a longterm arrangement like a marriage if they werent exercising their faith before he met.

He can't accept if someone wasn't practicing "any" faith before he met them, or "his specific faith"?

Also, what does it even mean to be "practicing a faith" to him? That could mean different things to different people. Sounds like you were practicing your faith (in God) before you met him...in the way(s) that you so chose to do so. At least, that is what I inferred from what you wrote.

What I clearly don't understand is why he was even talking to me from the get because I told him my past with regards to religion. His answer well I do like you.

That is a good question. I am going to go out on a limb based on what you wrote below and guess that maybe he would have let it go on a little longer if you hadn't made the statement(s) about needing someone to accept you for you. Perhaps he was thinking you'd be open to changing in some sort of way(s).

I told him my dealbreaker is that someone accept me for who I am upfront without attempting to get me to conform to their ideals. He understands that so we both decided to stay friends and not let the relationship progress further. I guess I news to start inquiring about religious beliefs with men now. It was never an issue in the past. It's certainly a non factor with me.

I can totally relate to the bold. I guess it may indeed work out best to determine when you're dating someone, when it's comfortable for the two of you to discuss your dealbreakers, such as these. Like you stated, maybe the other party has a dealbreaker that you do not, or vice versa.

 

[VelvetRain]

I did note him going back and forth and changing his views. From the start he saidhe wanted someone who would be open to going to his church on Sunday and no way in hell would he entertain going to a Jehovah witness church. Interesting since I never asked him to go since obviously I don't go myself and have no intrest in going. He flip flops around the issue alot. The other night I got well my only issue with you is that you are not practicing any faith. So now I am being judged and I don't take that lightly. The only being in this life who has the authority to judge me and my spirituality is god. I have spent the greater portion of my life in a kingdom hall surrounded by many of my peers who were not spiritual and truly not practicing the faith because of their ungodly actions and behaviors. Yet on the surface these same folks were regarded as religious because they sat in a building for five meetings a week. All in all I don't like wasting my time and this was turning into too much drama.

 

[Makenzie]

I am one of Jehovah's Witnesses, so you already know my answer. Not sure why he waited to tell you he has a problem with this, but I know it was unfair to you. If he knew this was something that was important to him, then he should have had enough self control to remember and focus on the big picture even though being attracted to you.

 

[VelvetRain]

I am one of Jehovah's Witnesses, so you already know my answer. Not sure why he waited to tell you he has a problem with this, but I know it was unfair to you. If he knew this was something that was important to him, then he should have had enough self control to remember and focus on the big picture even though being attracted to you.

Exactly my sentiments. Which is why I continued to ask him several times during the course of the conversation why he continued to talk to me on a regular basis. We were seeing each other a lot before I left North Carolina and he was pursuing me. I had to twist his arm to get a straightforward answer. I just didn't appreciate being mislead like that. On to the next.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

I was raised in a multi-faith household, my mother is Muslim, my father is Methodist and I'm Catholic. As long as I can remember my parents taught me that all religions have some significance. So finding someone who's also Catholic isn't important to me as it is finding someone with my same viewpoint on religion because that's how I plan to raise my children. Honestly I can't see myself marrying another Catholic, or a Christian for that matter. I definitely understand how you feel OP and when I meet someone I like, religion is one of those topics I bring up ASAP because I know I'm not compatible with someone so gun-ho on their particular religion. My guess is similar to others, he probably thought he could get you to convert or something so he stuck around until he realized otherwise, which was very unfair to you.

 

[Imani]

I actually just wrote a post about this in the "why are u single" thread.

I'm not religious either, and my experiences were similar to yours. I don't think I would ever date someone who is religious again and will be sure to ask very early on.

 

[Renewed1]

It's important to me that the guy and I share similar religious beliefs. Considering I'm marriage minded, his belief, religious affiliation will be a deal breaker for me.

 

[smwrigh3]

I care way more about your politically ideology than his faith.... but thats just me

 

[YasashiiSekai]

I was raised in a very religious family, and I think religion is very important because depending on what religion you are involved in, your life is not going to be lived the same way as someone else.

For example, all I used to do was go to church, go to school, and hang out with friends every once in a while in a good environment.
When I met my current boyfriend, he said he wanted to become religious but never was, and I didn't realize it until later, but he has changed my normal "routine" of how I live daily. Yes, no one normally has that influence over me but when you spend time with someone a lot you start to do things they might do unfortunately. Since I've been with him, I have lost my virginity, been to bars, got Fs in school, gained weight (that honestly has nothing to do with it but I just wanted to vent lol), and missed church a lot....sometimes for a whole month.
That may not seem like much for someone who already lives that kind of lifestyle, but for me it's changed me a lot. Now, I know I have responsibility for my actions, but I fell in love with someone who I knew had no connection with religion whatsoever. I believe if I had found someone who did, I probably would be the same person I was. I don't blame him for it though because I accepted it with full knowledge of everything.

Another example....My grandmother told me she got married to my grandfather when they both were not religious. Then later in life my grandmother became religious while he did not. It made the marriage difficult because he was still drinking, smoking, and cussing while she stopped those things.

So yeah, I think religion is a big part of choosing a mate because you're spending a lot of time with them. They're like your best friend and lover combined, and if you both aren't on the same level, you both will have to accept the different lifestyles and somehow manage the relationship around it them (which is difficult), or take on part of their lifestyle which ultimately changes you.

 

[mischka]

I can't really see myself being with a deeply religious man because the attitudes of deeply religious people is part of the reason why I'm an atheist. I doubt we would get along very well, we would probably clash often. I hope I don't find a man I'm really compatible with in all other ways except religion because it would probably doom us to fail...

 

[MizAvalon]

I could never be with someone who is deeply religious. I'm not and our ideals just wouldn't be in line with each other's.

 

[Siren84]

I didn't grow up in a religious family. But I did grow up believing. Personally, I could not be with a man who didn't AT LEAST believe. I just recently became Catholic and it is a part of who I am now and I want to be with someone I can share my faith with. Doesn't have to be all super-Christian because I am FAR from that. But I don't want to feel uncomfortable making a reference to God in front of him. Or for there to be a fight when I want my future kids baptized, etc. I want us to be on the same level.

 

[TinyBlu]

I too grew up in a very "religious", STRICT household and initially wanted to find a mate of "like precious faith". So... I married the golden boy of the church and was the most miserable person on the planet! The only thing he could do was pray (he couldn't keep a job, maintain physical fitness, pay his bills on time.... the list goes on and on). Of course, when I had enough and decided to divorce him, my name became MUD among all those religious, judgemental people.

It is then that I decided to really find my place in this world and what I belive on my own. Like you,OP, I DO NOT believe in institutional religion. Rather, I believe in God. I pray/meditate every day. I exercise and extend love rather than judge. In fact, you could not PAY me to go back to a bondage filled builing filled with judgement.

So, maybe this guy was just saying what he thought you wanted to hear in order to get what he wanted... it does happen.

I just put the whole religion thing out there from the jump. If you are remotely radical in your religious beliefs, I have NOTHING to do with you. You should not be judged for what you do or do not believe.

Trust me...being "equally yoked" goes a lot further than sharing religious beliefs, and there are lots of unhappy marriages in churches because people become trapped by this mentality.

Someone who truly loves you will accept you fully for who you are and even come to love or at least tolerate what they perceive as faults. Just be glad it didn't get too serious and keep it moving...