caribeandiva
Human being
Do you trust their advice? I feel like the more i tell my closest friends about my relationships, the more confused i end up. I get conflicting advice. I think I'll just follow my gut feeling from now on.
How much do you tell your closest friends about your relationship?
- Thread starter caribeandiva
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Prettymetty
Natural/4b/medium-coarse
I tell my closest friends just enough... Any more and I wouldn't feel comfortable. One thing is I don't tell the whole story to one person. I tell bits and pieces so that my experiences are relevant to that individual. For example if I was contemplating divorce I would talk that out with one of my divorced girls or one who came close to divorce.
A single friend just wouldn't understand and may possibly give me bad advice.
A single friend just wouldn't understand and may possibly give me bad advice.
caribeandiva
Human being
PrettymettyThat's a good strategy. We usually hang out together so I don't know how effective that'll work for me.
barbiesocialite
Well-Known Member
little to none--- it's none of their business.
Fact is, I'm very private.
I also hate drama and messiness.
My personal life is very compartmentalized. I don't involve others in situations they are not a part of and have no business being involved in. If there's a problem, I will resolve it directly. My life = my responsibility.
As rule, my mantra for interpersonal relationships is "This is an A +B conversation, C your way out."
The only person I discuss my relationship with is SO. If I need perspective or feedback I'll discuss with my therapist, and on rare occasions my mother or grandmother. If I'm discussing my family or my relationship with one of my CLOSE girlfriends it's VERY VERY serious. I mean serious, as red flag that means it's I've exhausted all my own efforts so it's a state of damn near life/death or on-going to the point it's jeopardizing my mental health to where I feel like I'm spiraling out of control demanding I seek a shoulder to lean on. I've been there before but it's a VERY rare occurence like less than every 5 years.....
eta: I've been blessed with very trustworthy and supportive friends but sometimes it's problematic. Sometimes being private and old-fashioned occassionally gets in the way of friendships/loved ones who take my private nature personal. failing to realize it has NOTHING to do with them.......
Fact is, I'm very private.
I also hate drama and messiness.
My personal life is very compartmentalized. I don't involve others in situations they are not a part of and have no business being involved in. If there's a problem, I will resolve it directly. My life = my responsibility.
As rule, my mantra for interpersonal relationships is "This is an A +B conversation, C your way out."
The only person I discuss my relationship with is SO. If I need perspective or feedback I'll discuss with my therapist, and on rare occasions my mother or grandmother. If I'm discussing my family or my relationship with one of my CLOSE girlfriends it's VERY VERY serious. I mean serious, as red flag that means it's I've exhausted all my own efforts so it's a state of damn near life/death or on-going to the point it's jeopardizing my mental health to where I feel like I'm spiraling out of control demanding I seek a shoulder to lean on. I've been there before but it's a VERY rare occurence like less than every 5 years.....
eta: I've been blessed with very trustworthy and supportive friends but sometimes it's problematic. Sometimes being private and old-fashioned occassionally gets in the way of friendships/loved ones who take my private nature personal. failing to realize it has NOTHING to do with them.......
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caribeandiva
Human being
I need to be more like you.barbiesocialite
Well-Known Member
I just edited. Sometimes it's not so good.
But for the most part, my friends are somewhat similar. varying degrees. I can admit that sometimes I may be too closed off. It's about balance. where some women suffer from verbal diahrea and need to learn when to STFU and mind their business, I could stand to be a little more emotionally open sometimes
I agree with you OP. I have started to scale back and I also find that in talking so much, I get caught up in what other people will think. I get confused and I find myself following their advice instead of what I want to do, even if the situation is not ideal or if I'm just having fun in the moment.
I'm also about to say something that I have yet to ever voice in person....except to my mom. But the friends that I turn to - we are all single. Single single single. I hate it and I realize that maybe I need to break away a bit and just do what I want to do sometimes. Also it may not be best to take advice from people with very little experience.
I'm also about to say something that I have yet to ever voice in person....except to my mom. But the friends that I turn to - we are all single. Single single single. I hate it and I realize that maybe I need to break away a bit and just do what I want to do sometimes. Also it may not be best to take advice from people with very little experience.
CaraWalker
Well-Known Member
i dont tell anybody anything i dont want advice on. i dont need anyones advice about my love life.
SpiritJunkie
Well-Known Member
Nope. My friends are there to have a good time outside of my relationship with my man. I keep that very very very private. Most times "friends" aren't looking for your best interest in that area & secretly wish they had what you have & will make you jeopardize it. I'm against it. They will hold info against you or your man... Don't do it.
MuziqizLyfe
Well-Known Member
This is me and my friends although I would say some advice is shared...it's not requested or expected that the person will follow it though. It's just part of the conversation. We still do what we want, then discuss some more
Crackers Phinn
Either A Blessing Or A Lesson.
I'm very tight lipped about my relationship, but in a few moments of weakness I put a little of his crazy on blast. It made me consider how I would feel if something I did that was supposed to be just between us was being discussed by outsiders and I didn't feel good about it.
If you are in a serious relationship, couples therapy is the best route.
If you are in a serious relationship, couples therapy is the best route.
You made me think about this.
I think the thought of FH getting some advice bothers me to different degrees depending on who he'd be talking to and what his motivations were. If he had an older friend in a successful, long *** marriage with good, balanced insight I wouldn't be that bothered if he called on wisdom here and there. 40+ years is a long time lol.
If it was just willy nilly telling random friends details about me and complaining I'd be pissed off.
My friends husband calls his mother in the middle of every argument to give her the low down and confirm that he's right. I don't know how she puts up with that. Its ridiculously inappropriate of course, but his motivations are also negative.
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LiftedUp
Well-Known Member
I was thinking about this the other day. I have an issue that I need feedback on. It's not a breakup or keep him issue, just an annoying one that I've never experienced.
eta: I endorse going over your relationship and issues with trusted friends. Just spoke with a good friend and I feel so much better. She has the same issue with her DH and told me how she deals with it.
eta: I endorse going over your relationship and issues with trusted friends. Just spoke with a good friend and I feel so much better. She has the same issue with her DH and told me how she deals with it.
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The general rule I've adopted over the years is to not ask for advice from ANYONE unless I'm sure they know they have the knowledge and wisdom to formulate a wise answer.
If that person (sometimes no one at all) is in such a position then I spill it all like I'm seeing a doctor.
Otherwise I feel like I'm just putting my business out there and no real solution was found YET people have things to potentially hold opinions about but they don't have an answer.
But, in regards to talking to friends about my relationship....
I speak freely about things that I don't need advice about.
If that person (sometimes no one at all) is in such a position then I spill it all like I'm seeing a doctor.
Otherwise I feel like I'm just putting my business out there and no real solution was found YET people have things to potentially hold opinions about but they don't have an answer.
But, in regards to talking to friends about my relationship....
I speak freely about things that I don't need advice about.
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CaliiSwagg
Well-Known Member
Now that I'm married and the majority of them are not- very little to nothing.
CoilyFields
Well-Known Member
Here's the thing about advice...most folk wouldn't/couldn't follow their own advice. I've had some friends who were very "kick him to the curb girl!" for silly stuff, while they are single and supposedly "loving it". This was when I was dating.
Since marriage...I only talk to other married ladies and rarely that. Only people who are wiser or who I know aren't afraid to check me according to the Word of God...and who would never tell me to divorce my husband. That's something that a person should come up with and decide on their own...shouldn't even plant that seed.
No one knows everything, and they shouldn't. I am careful not to expose DH's shortcomings to anyone who would treat him differently because of them...so basically only my Pastor (the wife) lol.
Since marriage...I only talk to other married ladies and rarely that. Only people who are wiser or who I know aren't afraid to check me according to the Word of God...and who would never tell me to divorce my husband. That's something that a person should come up with and decide on their own...shouldn't even plant that seed.
No one knows everything, and they shouldn't. I am careful not to expose DH's shortcomings to anyone who would treat him differently because of them...so basically only my Pastor (the wife) lol.
CaraWalker
Well-Known Member
i generally think that nobody can tell you better what to do in your relationships than you already know. nobody can tell me what i want or how i feel in my relationships so how can you tell me what i should do? one guy that im seeing, several people i know are like why are you wasting your time with him you should this this and this. and im like you dont know why im ok seeing this person and what i do or dont feel about the relationship here so stay in your lane. you dont know what i need and dont need, and accept and wont accept. also, nobody knows how two people are when theyre alone.
plus most of the time people seeking advice just want to be told what they want to hear. i had a friend tell me some stuff she wouldnt ask me about because she didnt want to hear the truth and only wanted to hear from people who would encourage her to engage in some stupid ****. which is fine with me because my advice is based on pride and self respect usually and most people dont have a lot of it
that aside, people advise others to leave over things that they wouldnt leave for. if you have a problem in your relationship the advice from outsiders is almost always going to point out every problem that contributed to it and every consequence that could potentially result from it. while that might be good information to know it may cause other problems that werent there before or make the issue way bigger than it is. i think in general people shouldnt discuss most problems with potential outside influences unless they are asking for tangible help.
plus most of the time people seeking advice just want to be told what they want to hear. i had a friend tell me some stuff she wouldnt ask me about because she didnt want to hear the truth and only wanted to hear from people who would encourage her to engage in some stupid ****. which is fine with me because my advice is based on pride and self respect usually and most people dont have a lot of it
that aside, people advise others to leave over things that they wouldnt leave for. if you have a problem in your relationship the advice from outsiders is almost always going to point out every problem that contributed to it and every consequence that could potentially result from it. while that might be good information to know it may cause other problems that werent there before or make the issue way bigger than it is. i think in general people shouldnt discuss most problems with potential outside influences unless they are asking for tangible help.
barbiesocialite
Well-Known Member
just wanted to add...
Fortunately, I was blessed with the gift of discernment. As an INTJ, I'm highly intuitive with visionary sensibilities by nature. I can read people better than a blind man can read braille. lol I can't do a lot of things but one thing I know how to do is choose people. Over the years I've been very selective when choosing friends. At this point I can honestly say that I've chosen wisely. My #1 requirement for friends is positive influence. If you're not adding to my life positively, you're adding negatively. Unless you're presence makes me a better person or inspires me to be better in some aspect of my life I simply have no purpose for you. Doesnt matter how nice or fun someone may be, if you're not good for me then we can't be friends.
I can proudly say that I trust my friends wholeheartedly. From experience I know that not only can I rely on them to be there for me, I can trust them with my life. Without a doubt I know that I can trust their opinion. That's why they're my friends. In the event I need feedback or need to discuss an intimate matter I know that anything I'm receiving from my friends will be valuable quality advice. Even when I disagree. Respect is earned. I wouldn't be talking to them and we DEFINETLY would not be friends if I didn't respect them to begin with......
So for me, my need for privacy is no reflection on my friends or our friendship. I'm just naturally intrinsically motivated and value self-determination. MY life=MY problems=My decisions. Win or lose, no one is getting credit for anything that happens in my life but ME. Esp if it's good or results in me winning. I want full praise, full credit and sole beneficiary of all of the glory. lol
just wanted to add that bit in case any of my RL friends randomly stumble across this thread with their lurking nosey selves. hehe
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tigerrose
Well-Known Member
After receiving a lot of bad advice last year, including from a relationship
therapist I hired with the goal of helping me prepare for marriage,
I will no longer discuss my relationship with my friends.
If I really need advice, especially once I am married, I will seek it from
the wise and Godly counsel of my spiritual mentors who have a long term
successful marriage. I really learned the importance of seeking advice from
someone who is where I want to be.
Also, LHCF ladies have been a helpful outlet and more helpful than
the relationship therapist I hired. Sometimes you just need to speak
openly and honestly, and vent or seek feedback without judgement, and this
board is a lot cheaper than therapy.
therapist I hired with the goal of helping me prepare for marriage,
I will no longer discuss my relationship with my friends.
If I really need advice, especially once I am married, I will seek it from
the wise and Godly counsel of my spiritual mentors who have a long term
successful marriage. I really learned the importance of seeking advice from
someone who is where I want to be.
Also, LHCF ladies have been a helpful outlet and more helpful than
the relationship therapist I hired. Sometimes you just need to speak
openly and honestly, and vent or seek feedback without judgement, and this
board is a lot cheaper than therapy.
FemmeCreole
Island Gyal
I don't tell friends or family anything about my relationship. I don't seek outsiders advice when it comes to my relationship. I've always been that way. If DH and I have a problem, we hash it out between the 2 of us.
Outside folks can only give you advice based on their experience which most likely is very different from your situation. Also most folks can't be objective. I've also seen folks get mad when the person in the relationship didn't take their advice.
No ma'am. I keep people out.
Outside folks can only give you advice based on their experience which most likely is very different from your situation. Also most folks can't be objective. I've also seen folks get mad when the person in the relationship didn't take their advice.
No ma'am. I keep people out.
Cattypus1
All loced up...
Zero...that crap will come back to haunt you when you least expect it! You share something which makes your friend angry for you and then you get over it and continue with your happy life but your friend never got over what you shared and is now a thorn because she believes you should not be over it and now it's a battle to keep your friend and your mate, BF, SO separated.
MsKinkycurl
Well-Known Member
Growing up with a lot of brothers and their friends I know more about how men think than most of my friends. I only involve friends opinions minimally at the beginning of the relationship/ talking. Only to try to figure out if my gut reaction is appropriate if I am
feeling ambivalent about how to respond. After my relationship becomes serious I talk about it less and less because I'm naturally a private person and I believe an intimate relationship is not a group activity, and at that point I know my SO is a good guy and I've started to figure out how he communicates so I can talk directly to him.
Now that my SO and I have been serious for a couple years I would only consult friends for present ideas, if I think he was becoming abusive, cheeting on me, or secretly gay. Everything else is for MsKinkycurl and potential Mrkinkycurl to work out alone.
feeling ambivalent about how to respond. After my relationship becomes serious I talk about it less and less because I'm naturally a private person and I believe an intimate relationship is not a group activity, and at that point I know my SO is a good guy and I've started to figure out how he communicates so I can talk directly to him.
Now that my SO and I have been serious for a couple years I would only consult friends for present ideas, if I think he was becoming abusive, cheeting on me, or secretly gay. Everything else is for MsKinkycurl and potential Mrkinkycurl to work out alone.
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