How important is friendship?

[C@ssandr@]

Someone asked me my opinion on the importance of friendship in a relationship. I could not come up with a short answer for this......

My best friend comes to mind on this one. We are not intimate , however we are very close and have 17 years behind us. I do not think any monogamous relationship can withstand the amount of space, respect, freedom, and understanding that our friendship has required.

For example, when I was living with my ex (at the tender age of 24) I decided that I wanted my own apartment. I didn't want to break up, I simply wanted to experience having my own space. I can admit that this would seem like a step backwards. For him it incited the fear of me leaving altogether. In a monogamous relationship one cannot do what they want to do. Unlike a friendship, you can't not call for days and not at least explain yourself to your partner.

So in short. The dynamic of a monogamous relationship is far different from a "friendship" (aside from sexual relations )

What say you? How does one maintain the "friendship" aspect with the common relationship regulations?

 

[nlamr2013]

Huh? No being someone's friend and someone's SO is totally different. But yes a good relationship the two are friends first. No.he's not going to be like your off but you should be able to be open with him like a friend, laugh like friends, and vibes Lokemaube friends.

 

[C@ssandr@]

Huh? No being someone's friend and someone's SO is totally different. But yes a good relationship the two are friends first. No.he's not going to be like your off but you should be able to be open with him like a friend, laugh like friends, and vibes Lokemaube friends.

That's the point I am making. But I'd like to hear the other pov's people may have to offer.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

I don't get in relationships where I haven't been friends with the guy first. I won't open up enough to sustain a relationship otherwise. It's pretty rare that I develop romantic feelings if I haven't seen who a man is before I've started dating him and when I have it's always been a crush. Ultimately what I'm looking for out of my SO/future spouse is my best friend. That's not all of course, there has to be an attraction beyond friendship but I don't see how it can get to that point if there's not a friendship there. So yes I'd say a friendship is very important.

 

[DarkJoy]

This is extremely complicated.

I don't necessarily want a 'friend'. I got plenty of those. I want a lover and a partner. I need someone I can trust on a level that transcends friendship. We need to have a bond that is way beyond friendship.

In many ways, the advice out there and here on LHCF on relationships goes against anything to do with friendship with a potential partner. Example: "don't tell him too much of your past. don't do too much for him. read "why men love b!tches!" These are not things we would do to or for actual friends! Yea, I cook for my bestie AND she knows my sordid past Maybe not things I'd say or do with a potential mate, though...

There IS a difference. We can't necessarily treat them like friends. It's completely different. There's some overlap but, no...the relationship is not the same. If that was the case, I'd move my bestie in and we could raise our children together and I'd be done with my search...

 

[Zaynab]

I think friendship has to the first basis to romance and a relationship. Feelings are fickle, a true friendship will stand the ebb and flow of feelings

Sent from yacht with Beyonce & Blue

 

[MzLady78]

I think friendship has to the first basis to romance and a relationship. Feelings are fickle, a true friendship will stand the ebb and flow of feelings

Sent from yacht with Beyonce & Blue

I agree.

I've noticed a big difference in my relationships where we were truly friends first, even as far as the break-up. Those seemed to have been slightly more amicable and once the feelings were no longer there, we were able to be friends again.

 

[C@ssandr@]

If that was the case, I'd move my bestie in and we could raise our children together and I'd be done with my search...

I think friendship has to the first basis to romance and a relationship. Feelings are fickle, a true friendship will stand the ebb and flow of feelings

Sent from yacht with Beyonce & Blue

This makes sense to me. It's just that nowadays people want everything now! now! now! Men ain't tryna court, and some women are out there auditioning men for the role of husband.

See, like DarkJoy mentioned it is complicated. Out in the dating world we're usually in search for the end product...a bf. We date not to make friends, but to see if people are potential SO's. So instead of a friendship developing naturally, we are already in the mindset of "can this be my SO or not?". I figured if a man is paying for dates, it's sort of an investment into getting to know you for the purposes of being a gf not a friend. So my thing is the mindset.

You can't force a real friendship. So if we become friends, that's cool. But it less likely to happen naturally if you're going in with a specific purpose.

 

[deltagyrl]

You work at it. I don't understand how a relationship can survive if you are not friends... When kids leave, breasts start to sag, hair turns gray, wrinkles and pooches appear, that's what will hold you together.

 

[C@ssandr@]

You work at it. I don't understand how a relationship can survive if you are not friends... When kids leave, breasts start to sag, hair turns gray, wrinkles and pooches appear, that's what will hold you together.

deltagyrl

How does one "work" at a friendship? I don't work for any of mine.

The word "work" makes sense if you are in a relationship with a purpose or are trying to reach a common goal...for example, whether you are together or not 2 people can work at their relationship for the sake of kids.

But working for the sake of friendship? I'm not trying to be nit picky, but can you see how that dynamic doesn't make sense to me?

I know this thread seems crazy, but I think this is why many relationships are a failure, or are just plain dysfunctional. We don't think about what we are really doing when it comes to building with the opposite sex.

I think i've sorted it all out for myself

 

[ms-gg]

Me and all my exes were like best friends when we were together. Even they called me their "best friend" when we were together. We could talk about anything and I trusted them with information that I couldn't trust with most other folks. I believe that any relationship with a man needs to have some form of friendship within it in order for it to be successful. It helps you to be more at ease with him so that you can talk to him about uncomfortable matters.

I think that is one reason why a lot of women have problems talking to their SOs about things that really bother them because they aren't friends like that with their SOs. I've never had that problem in a relationship and that is because we were good friends and I could talk to them about anything...

 

[deltagyrl]

deltagyrl

How does one "work" at a friendship? I don't work for any of mine.

The word "work" makes sense if you are in a relationship with a purpose or are trying to reach a common goal...for example, whether you are together or not 2 people can work at their relationship for the sake of kids.

But working for the sake of friendship? I'm not trying to be nit picky, but can you see how that dynamic doesn't make sense to me?

I know this thread seems crazy, but I think this is why many relationships are a failure, or are just plain dysfunctional. We don't think about what we are really doing when it comes to building with the opposite sex.

I think i've sorted it all out for myself

I didn't say work for, I said work at. There is a difference.
I have very close friends that I love dearly. We sometimes misunderstand each other, someone has to clarify. Sometimes we miss each other, someone has to call, text or email. We sometimes hurt feelings but someone has to apologize. That is working at it.

In a marriage that is magnified 1000 times over. There are so many opportunities for you to take each other for granted, miss each other, hurt each other, even emotionally check out. If you're not careful, you look up 25 years in and someone has filed for divorce because you have become strangers. You have to make a concerted to maintain and develop your friendship 'cause you'll fall in and out of that romantic kind of love. IMO, the friendship is the glue or, at least, the glue-like substance that holds it together.

Idk about you but if my friend never made an effort to be my friend, we wouldn't be friends...

 

[Renewed1]

I think it's based on the individual. There is really no wrong or right answers to this question. But for me, I need a man that is a best friend as well as my man. I always viewed relationships as (best) friendships with romance added in the mix.

But I also feel, that a couple should take time to get to know each other, before the "romancing".

 

[DarkJoy]

See, this is interesting deltagyrl. We have the same justifications but came to slightly different conclusions. Because of the quoted below, I say a marriage is way beyond friendship or even having that as a 'foundation'.

It's simple. Many women in this thread have said they were best friends with their Ex's. The operative word is EX. If friendship was the groundwork for a strong and stable relationship, these men would not be in our pasts. And for the record, I was 'friends' with my exH of 20 years and we are still friends. And guess what? That's probably all we ever were with a piece of paper.

So, what I think marriage is more of a partnership, and yes, with emotional stuff running through it because this natural and part and parcel of a relationship and being with someone day in and day out.

If we think outside of Westernized society and into other countries, couples aren't working to be friends. Many are in arranged marriages or marriages of convenience. Yet, they find a way to make it work. They work at their partnership and if feelings come, then all the better. Not ideal for us, but you get the idea...and their divorce rates are pretty much slim to none. And not all are unhappy.

I think our failure is we over-romanticize marriage and expect above and beyond what one relationship is capable of achieving.

Of course what works for one, doesn't work for all. We just have to find the right 'glue' with the man we are with.

....Sometimes we miss each other, someone has to call, text or email. We sometimes hurt feelings but someone has to apologize. That is working at it.

In a marriage that is magnified 1000 times over. There are so many opportunities for you to take each other for granted, miss each other, hurt each other, even emotionally check out. If you're not careful, you look up 25 years in and someone has filed for divorce because you have become strangers. You have to make a concerted to maintain and develop your friendship 'cause you'll fall in and out of that romantic kind of love. IMO, the friendship is the glue or, at least, the glue-like substance that holds it together.

 

[ms-gg]

^ But at the same time, in many of those same countries, women don't have the same options that we have. As soon as we women began to have more options (aka being able to work and being seen as equal in society) women no longer NEEDED a man and thus are able to leave a failing marriage, cheating spouse etc etc. I may be wrong, but I believe that most divorces are the decision of the woman. That is very telling if it is true.

If these same women in countries where arranged marriages are the norm, where families receive a fee for the bride, were given the options we have, I bet that they would be divorcing at much higher rates too, if divorce is even encouraged in their respective cultures....


ETA: Yes, it is true that women normally initiate divorce

 

[spelmanlocks]

I don't believe you need to be friends with someone first to have a successful relationship. DH and I have been married for several years and weren't friends first. Although we became best friends in the process of our dating and marriage. Meanwhile, before that me and my ex-bestfriend turned ex-boyfriend, had an epic breakup. I think friend vs. lover is so very different. People have higher expectations in a dating relationships vs. a friend relationships and sometimes people have a hard time switching up to meet those new expectations.

 

[deltagyrl]

DarkJoy
Love is friendship caught on fire...

My husband is going to have to be my best friend.
Agree to disagree.

 

[DarkJoy]

I don't believe you need to be friends with someone first to have a successful relationship. DH and I have been married for several years and weren't friends first. Although we became best friends in the process of our dating and marriage. Meanwhile, before that me and my ex-bestfriend turned ex-boyfriend, had an epic breakup. I think friend vs. lover is so very different. People have higher expectations in a dating relationships vs. a friend relationships and sometimes people have a hard time switching up to meet those new expectations.

Exactly. We aren't having sex with and procreating with our friends.
We don't entrust our health and life to our friends (usually). I won't call on my friends to make life and death decisions for me were I incapacitated. We don't rely on friends for our financial future like retirement, life insurances, day-to-day living and survival. i can't say, hey bestie, i wanna be a stay-at-home mom. you foot the bill and make sure you pack enough away for me to retire on too! These are things I'd call on a husband to do.

And I think you're right. Sometimes it gets mixed up and folks have a hard time or don't realize there's a sort of transition that happens over time.

I agree that love is born from friendship. But it's not the same as being in love. Two different enchiladas.

 

[The Girl]

Exactly. We aren't having sex with and procreating with our friends.
We don't entrust our health and life to our friends (usually). I won't call on my friends to make life and death decisions for me were I incapacitated. We don't rely on friends for our financial future like retirement, life insurances, day-to-day living and survival. i can't say, hey bestie, i wanna be a stay-at-home mom. you foot the bill and make sure you pack enough away for me to retire on too! These are things I'd call on a husband to do.

And I think you're right. Sometimes it gets mixed up and folks have a hard time or don't realize there's a sort of transition that happens over time.

I agree that love is born from friendship. But it's not the same as being in love. Two different enchiladas.

Friends and siblings have a hard time with THIS!!!!

 

[ladysaraii]

I don't believe you need to be friends with someone first to have a successful relationship. DH and I have been married for several years and weren't friends first. Although we became best friends in the process of our dating and marriage. Meanwhile, before that me and my ex-bestfriend turned ex-boyfriend, had an epic breakup. I think friend vs. lover is so very different. People have higher expectations in a dating relationships vs. a friend relationships and sometimes people have a hard time switching up to meet those new expectations.

I tend to agree. I think the common theme is that friendship needs to exist for a marriage to flourish. I think darkjoy raises a good point about switching roles. And I doubly agree with people talking about taking the time to know each other and build a foundation.

 

[Ayesha81]

They key to friendship and any relationship is not to get too close.