how do you change your thoughts about an ex?

CaraWalker

CaraWalker

Well-Known Member
i in no way want my ex back, but i think i still hate him.

for unrelated reasons i discovered there is an "other" inbox on facebook. i checked it and saw i had a message from his new girlfriend, dated from over the summer when we had an unfortunate run in with each other. long story.

i hadnt thought about this loser or his loser girlfriend in months, but now its bothering me again. i dont want to hate him or want him to be miserable; i dont want to have any thoughts or feelings about him at all, even bad ones. i just want to be indifferent. but if ever i have cause to think about him again, i get stuck in a cycle of dwelling on how much i hate him and how he doesn't deserve to be happy. there is no reason i should care. he is a loser, and i am truly glad i stopped seeing him, and shes unemployed and unattractive.

it also bothers me that im still single and they are still dating. we had a bad breakup and he jumped into that relationship like a month or two later. i accept that i have a slow recovery period after break ups but now i'm ready to date and even though im beginning to meet men again it's still going slowly. and i cant stop feeling like i need to "win" (and i cant while im still single).

what do you do to make yourself forget an ex, even if you dont want him anymore? its super petty and it really bothers me.
 
Yessss.... I'm so waiting for tips.

My ex is back with his ex, the one I always had a gut feeling about and various situations involving her. Last I heard she was pushing to move in. I feel like she "won." Silly, I know but it's an annoying feeling lingering in the back of my mind. Especially knowing how he is spoiling her financially. But that's really it. I still have tons of anger, feeling like I didn't see what was right in front of my eyes repeatedly, allowed him to BS me and the list goes on...
 
Last edited:
Fine 4s said:
Yessss.... I'm so waiting for tips.

My ex is back with his ex, the one I always had a gut feeling about and various situations involving her. Last I heard she was pushing to move in. I feel like she "won." Silly, I know but it's an annoying feeling lingering in the back of my mind. Especially knowing how he is spoiling her financially. But that's really it.
I still have tons of anger, feeling like I didn't see what was right in front of my eyes repeatedly, allowed him to BS me and the list goes on...

I hope they FAIL or that he becomes miserable but stuck cuz he got her preggers but this time even worse than the last go around. For her, I wish her years of wasted time with him to only end up, bitter, hating him and lots of cheating behind her back just as it was before but worse.
Feels good to say that actually. Not sure it helps spiritually but I'll cleanse later lol

No, I'm not mad Lol
Click to expand...

Girl. Get it off your chest. I think my ex husband first and only love was his ex wife. I finally said it and it feels good. I have been keeping it in for so long. i secretly wonder if that why he left us.
 
My 1st husband got back together with his ex probably before I even hit the State line.

I wasn't hurt by it. I was soooooo happy to be free of that boogedy kneegro, you talk about moving on? I never EVER looked back. Him having her to keep him busy made it much neater and easier for everybody. He was no prize. I was the prize and he LOST it. That was about 20 years ago. It's like a map that is all folded up and you can just glimpse bits and pieces but can't get a clear picture of where you're going or what you're doing but when it is open and unfolded, you SEE the path most clearly. It will happen just like that. Give it time. This place you're headed, he wasn't FOR that trip. You won't get there with him but you WILL GET THERE and when you do you will understand better why things panned out the way they did.

My 2nd husband was a jewel...a King amongst men. When he died, I just felt really lost. I was even (for lack of a better word) EMBARRASSED that here I was, just me and I had no husband. I'd had a husband for so long, I didn't know how to be ME withOUT a husband. Everyone was still walking around talking crap about theirs and posting pics and I was suddenly no longer a part of that scene. It was pretty difficult but I had to remember that there was a ME first, just ME, BEFORE I was a wife, before I was a mom and that ME was a full, complete, and whole person. I was not a HALF of anything. I was WHOLE back then and I was still WHOLE and the WHOLE of ME was outstanding, truly a fabulous human being. We forget that part. We get so embroiled in family and relationships, we forget where we came from and who we are.

Relationships are a truly nice part of life. They ENHANCE things (when they are good), they are like the icing on the cake but if you scrape the icing off of a cake, there is still a heck of a nice cake under there. It is firm and spongy and moist and sweet. That's YOU! One day you may find some more icing, maybe not. You can if you want to, there are all kinds -- chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, whipped, buttercream, fondant, cream cheese... (I prefer CHOCOLATE *cough*) but just remember always that your cake is rootin' tootin' tasty AS IS. That other icing you had wasn't up to par. It was way too heavy for your dainty layers. Let fat arse Miss Pound Cake deal with that now.

You're looking to win a war you've already won. Beating a dead horse doesn't kill it any further and "closure" is a phrase white folks made up to make themselves feel better about doing some of the dumb sh*t they do. Don't fall for the okey doke. Time heals all...

Why do you think I have a room full of clocks?
 
GoldenRule said:
My 1st husband got back together with his ex probably before I even hit the State line.

I wasn't hurt by it. I was soooooo happy to be free of that boogedy kneegro, you talk about moving on? I never EVER looked back. Him having her to keep him busy made it much neater and easier for everybody. He was no prize. I was the prize and he LOST it. That was about 20 years ago. It's like a map that is all folded up and you can just glimpse bits and pieces but can't get a clear picture of where you're going or what you're doing but when it is open and unfolded, you SEE the path most clearly. It will happen just like that. Give it time. This place you're headed, he wasn't FOR that trip. You won't get there with him but you WILL GET THERE and when you do you will understand better why things panned out the way they did.

My 2nd husband was a jewel...a King amongst men. When he died, I just felt really lost. I was even (for lack of a better word) EMBARRASSED that here I was, just me and I had no husband. I'd had a husband for so long, I didn't know how to be ME withOUT a husband. Everyone was still walking around talking crap about theirs and posting pics and I was suddenly no longer a part of that scene. It was pretty difficult but I had to remember that there was a ME first, just ME, BEFORE I was a wife, before I was a mom and that ME was a full, complete, and whole person. I was not a HALF of anything. I was WHOLE back then and I was still WHOLE and the WHOLE of ME was outstanding, truly a fabulous human being. We forget that part. We get so embroiled in family and relationships, we forget where we came from and who we are.

Relationships are a truly nice part of life. They ENHANCE things (when they are good), they are like the icing on the cake but if you scrape the icing off of a cake, there is still a heck of a nice cake under there. It is firm and spongy and moist and sweet. That's YOU! One day you may find some more icing, maybe not. You can if you want to, there are all kinds -- chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, whipped, buttercream, fondant, cream cheese... (I prefer CHOCOLATE *cough*) but just remember always that your cake is rootin' tootin' tasty AS IS. That other icing you had wasn't up to par. It was way too heavy for your dainty layers. Let fat arse Miss Pound Cake deal with that now.

You're looking to win a war you've already won. Beating a dead horse doesn't kill it any further and "closure" is a phrase white folks made up to make themselves feel better about doing some of the dumb sh*t they do. Don't fall for the okey doke. Time heals all...

Why do you think I have a room full of clocks?
Click to expand...

This is a darn good explanation and perfect way to look at it.
 
GoldenRule This is one of the best posts I have EVER read on this forum and I have read a lot of good ones. What a beautiful metaphor. Thank you.
 
Last edited:
GoldenRule said:
My 1st husband got back together with his ex probably before I even hit the State line.

I wasn't hurt by it. I was soooooo happy to be free of that boogedy kneegro, you talk about moving on? I never EVER looked back. Him having her to keep him busy made it much neater and easier for everybody. He was no prize. I was the prize and he LOST it. That was about 20 years ago. It's like a map that is all folded up and you can just glimpse bits and pieces but can't get a clear picture of where you're going or what you're doing but when it is open and unfolded, you SEE the path most clearly. It will happen just like that. Give it time. This place you're headed, he wasn't FOR that trip. You won't get there with him but you WILL GET THERE and when you do you will understand better why things panned out the way they did.

My 2nd husband was a jewel...a King amongst men. When he died, I just felt really lost. I was even (for lack of a better word) EMBARRASSED that here I was, just me and I had no husband. I'd had a husband for so long, I didn't know how to be ME withOUT a husband. Everyone was still walking around talking crap about theirs and posting pics and I was suddenly no longer a part of that scene. It was pretty difficult but I had to remember that there was a ME first, just ME, BEFORE I was a wife, before I was a mom and that ME was a full, complete, and whole person. I was not a HALF of anything. I was WHOLE back then and I was still WHOLE and the WHOLE of ME was outstanding, truly a fabulous human being. We forget that part. We get so embroiled in family and relationships, we forget where we came from and who we are.

Relationships are a truly nice part of life. They ENHANCE things (when they are good), they are like the icing on the cake but if you scrape the icing off of a cake, there is still a heck of a nice cake under there. It is firm and spongy and moist and sweet. That's YOU! One day you may find some more icing, maybe not. You can if you want to, there are all kinds -- chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, whipped, buttercream, fondant, cream cheese... (I prefer CHOCOLATE *cough*) but just remember always that your cake is rootin' tootin' tasty AS IS. That other icing you had wasn't up to par. It was way too heavy for your dainty layers. Let fat arse Miss Pound Cake deal with that now.

You're looking to win a war you've already won. Beating a dead horse doesn't kill it any further and "closure" is a phrase white folks made up to make themselves feel better about doing some of the dumb sh*t they do. Don't fall for the okey doke. Time heals all...

Why do you think I have a room full of clocks?
Click to expand...

Goldenroom- this post gave me life
 
Op- I feel you. My last relationship was a hum dinger. I completely lost myself in it. That man was not meant for me. I went through obsessing about his new relationship. I had to remind myself what some one said of me. She thinks she got something and she got nothing. The PC thing to say is forgive and be happy for him. I went through my F him, F her and F the momma too. I mentally exhausted myself out. I prayed to God to heal me. God closed that door and it was up to me to move on. We are blessed and don't even know it. Like Golden rule says he was not meant to travel with us on the rest of the trip.

My new rule is to make sure my backyard is so green that I don't have time to worry about his. I work out, I got a new job, my kids are healthy. I am winning. The dark cloud which was him is gone from my life. With him I couldn't get anything right. Without him and with God, everything is falling in place. It's okay to feel the way you do just don't get stuck there. If need be go to counseling.
 
I wish LHCF was in my life when I was going though heart ache, obsessing over my first love, getting tricked out of my cookies , and basically loosing at love. I didn't see my value.

You guys are giving the advice it took me 20 years to figure out on my own. The only man that matters is the one enriching your life. Other than that focus on you and yours.

Not one man I ever looked back at was worth it.

I look back on those busters and laugh. I found the love and support Always craved. He took care of me, educated me and changed my life.

But If this man acts a fool, I know now to keep pushing and not to look back. Never give emotions to someone in your past.
 
I was and still am a little bit were you are. I previously talked about the ex I was with for three years who started a relationship two weeks after our break up and was married within six months. sometimes it does anger me cause I know she didn't put in not even half I did, but it doesn't matter. he's still the same immature little boy he was before, somebody was just dumb and desperate enough to play mommy to him. So in the end I win she looses. I only wasted three years she is stuck forever.

It does frustrate me that he of all people is married and I can barely find a decent date but it shows how desperate people are to marry and how careless people are with deciding who to marry.
 
ok can i be real petty with yall for a sec?

i did reply to her message. and just saying, his okcupid profile is active again now. :look: (it was bookmarked as a favorite on one of my invisible profiles and just so you know id done that at some point during our own relationship, okcupid doesn't let you bookmark profiles anymore. so it was definitely done in the past/i wasn't deliberately stalking.)

yall broke up or nah? :look: :lol:

did i break them up? :rofl:
 
Last edited:
Wow, GoldenRule, I LOVED your post.

OP, I've been there a couple times. The worst was my first relationship. Everything (everything) about that relationship messed me up and really damaged my self-confidence. I felt like I lost my footing just as I was getting started, like I had no point of reference for a long time except for that really bad experience. I went through periods of obsessing, and I remember one day he told me: "You seem even more obsessed with her than I am.":nono: I felt so angry for the level of injustice and sheer malice of his statement, but then I felt so embarrassed that my obsession was so evident.

Beyond that time, it took me years to get over the pain (I was especially fragile because I knew nothing else). I remember there was a certain point when I magically stopped caring about him, the women around him, and instead I just had a huge amount of sadness...for myself... When I would think back on that time, I'd feel like an outside observer listening to myself speak and feel about that time, and I'd feel all this empathy and sadness for the person speaking/feeling (me). It was weird. But it was like I was nurturing myself back to emotional health as if that nurturing were coming from an outside person.

Now as to _how_ to change your thoughts? I'm not 100% sure, but a turning point for me was when my mother asked me why I cared so much and was monitoring other people's happiness. She said: they're focusing on their own happiness, and everything they're doing is because they want to to be doing it... for themselves. So, what about you? You're living your life according to them and strategizing around them, and they probably don't even know you exist.

It was like a light-bulb moment for me. It used to bother me that I knew about people who probably had no idea of my existence, but then one day I realized, maybe there are people who know about me who are also not on my radar? It's nothing to get personal about. I don't know, that level of logic did it for me: get your own life, tell yourself to stop when you feel you're going down the road of being all about them.
 
CarLiTa

My friend told me the same thing ur mom did and it clicked more than anything for me. I'm still working on it but it helps/helped.
Maybe it's the ayisien nan ké nou :)
 
Fine 4s said:
CarLiTa

My friend told me the same thing ur mom did and it clicked more than anything for me. I'm still working on it but it helps/helped.
Maybe it's the ayisien nan ké nou :)
Click to expand...

Maybe it is :)
You know what I love? How after writing that post, realizing that I could not remember the names of the people that occupied so much of my mental space. That just left me like: haha, nice.
 
I love LHCF

I came looking for exactly this type of thread.

My ex was messy. Like 'put your business in the streets, 5 abortions, multiple infidlities messy'.

And he continues to be.

And even though I know I won by walking away a part of me still wants him to suffer.

He is apparently getting married in two weeks to the girl, he cheated with on the girl he cheated with when he was me ( does that make sense?)

I know he isn't winning because everyone who is on fb can see the drama that is his relationship but I feel concern that I still want to publicly laugh and poke fun at him.

In addition we have a friend circle that overlapped and as more of his friends realize how abusive he is, I have more and more of them coming to me to apologize or to share their shock at his behaviour.
He recently used racial slurs publicly (called her a golliwog) to a friend because they said they dislike his behavior.

His very best friend is apparently going around saying that I am actively turning ppl against him.
The truth is I speak quite frankly about him and it is often nothing good so she isn't wrong per se, but I feel that is my right having endured his abuse.

I don't seek ppl out to do it.

Like the OP I simply wish to have no thoughts about him at all..

I guess I am some where in the middle of the healing stage?
 
Word on the street is that they broke up? It's only been the 3rd time since May or so....
These people have been at it for 10 years breaking up and making up. They most likely will keep doing this until somebody wakes up.
In the meanwhile, had a good breakfast with my boo and going home to cuddle and watch Maury lol!

I will be deleting this post at some point to avoid negative energy boomeranging...too late huh?
 
I can't really give you a 10 step plan because I don't think such a thing exists. I think every person is different and deals with breakups and exes in different ways. But I can share my story and hope that it helps you or anyone else out there :yep:

I was a rebound to my last ex. Looking back, the signs were so freaking obvious :lol: that I'm a little sad at myself for not having seen them sooner. Regardless, when we broke up, the break up was bad. And I do mean bad. I blamed him for a lot (if not all) of our problems when, in reality, it was both of us. I can admit that now.

I was so, so hurt when not even a week had gone by and he ended up in a relationship with another girl. One of our biggest fights was that he didn't want to be too "serious" with me because he wanted to focus on his career. The truth of the matter was that he just didn't want to commit to me fully. I erased his number, deleted him off of Facebook, and basically tried pretending that he didn't exist in this world. Still didn't stop me from obsessing and thinking about him all the time, though.

Fast forward 3 months later and I run into him at the gym. At this point I thought I was over it and him but seeing him face to face like that? Nope. Feelings were still there. Bitterness, anger, even some resentment. I hoped that his relationship crashed and burned with this chick and he would get to feel just how BAD karma can be. I was still so angry y'all :nono:

It took me a year and half until I could date again (and this decision wasn't solely because of him, he just happened to be the icing to the cake at that time). In that time, I had no contact with him. I didn't talk about him, tried not thinking about him, and basically just focused on me. Honestly, I think the focusing on me part was what really helped me the most. I stopped worrying so much about him and his life with his new lady and started worrying about things that were best for ME. I got a new job, met new friends, and began new hobbies. It was great.

And you know the best part about it all? I ran into this ex recently about 2 or so weeks ago. And I was happy to see him. Genuinely happy to see him. That same girl he basically ditched me for? They're married now. And you can tell that he's so in love with her. And I couldn't be happier for him. Our conversation was brief, but it was nice. No awkwardness, no cheap shots, just two acquaintances catching up.

It's been 2 years since our break up but it took me all that time to heal myself and not only forgive him for how he had treated me but also myself for allowing it. Now the only time I think about him is because someone brings up, something reminds me of him (like this thread for example), or I run into him. Otherwise he never crosses my mind anymore. Ever.

Honestly, I feel like it's a matter of time and acceptance. You can't change how things went down between the two of you but you can learn from the relationship and from your relationship with him to help make you a better person. At least, that's what I did.

Oh, and random side note: this same ex, after we chatted about our lives for a bit, offered at the end to give me free training sessions since we both go to the same gym again (he's a personal trainer). If this had been anyone else? I would have been all over that like white on rice, BEST believe :lachen::lol: But because it was him? I politely declined. While I may not be bitter or angry anymore and have no sentimental feeling attached to him whatsoever, we're not friends. And we will never be friends. Just acquaintances. While I don't expect an apology for how he treated me, I quite frankly don't feel comfortable having him train me considering our history. No boo, I'll continue training myself via YouTube and Pinterest thank you very much :lol:

Geez that was long winded. Sorry, I get like that sometimes :lol::spinning:
 
I've adopted the notion he made his choice, it was not me and that's not my problem. it doesn't make either of us bad people. it's taken time and maturity to get to the place where I can move on so easily, but it's really as simple as that.
 
My ex married the woman he cheated on me with last September. I didn't feel better about it until I heard she had cheated on him, using his car. His mother told me that little bit of information. I don't get too hung up about it anymore because I don't know if I would have married him had he asked me (that kind of long term commitment scares me). I've been with a few people since him, but those situations didn't work out. Sometimes, I think I purposely put myself in impossible situations because I am afraid of getting married. However, that doesn't explain my disappointment when things go south. (But that's another thread...)

Another ex of mine is getting married, but I don't care...at all. I'm just relieved that I don't have to listen to their lies anymore (or get up at 2AM to go see if they are home from where they said they were going to be)... :look:
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

chocolatedoll18
Uhhh...what to do?
Replies
12
Views
322
Bmack
Bmack
S
Having a casual arrangement with an ex?
Replies
16
Views
705
LovelyLouboutin
LovelyLouboutin
cherryhair123
Can't stand my Ex
Replies
16
Views
336
meia
meia
TrulyBlessed
Event for Ex-boyfriend w/ New Girlfriend present
2
Replies
54
Views
1K
RegaLady
R
mscurly
Remaining Friends with an Ex
Replies
16
Views
630
mscurly
mscurly
Back
Top