how do i bring up this topic; how to address this in a conversation??

[kurlybella]

i need your opinions on how you would handle this.
i'm single but dating.

i've been seeing this guy that i've known for a while. he's great and always has been. he is just a great man all around. we've been casually dating that last couple months and when we do hang out it's really good and there is lots of chemistry.

however, there is a stumbling block that would not allow us to be together if we ever decided to become official. ...wellll...let me preface by saying i think he is great and has an all around outstanding character and that's why i've found myself here with him, but he needs to loose some weight.

now, he knows how i feel about it. i told him in a very sincere and endearing way that he needs to loose weight - it came up in a conversation about us working out and his health. he agrees with me. and when we were talking about it, it was not about how i felt about him/his weight, i just simply agreed with him that he needed to loose weight.

i just am not physically attracted to him in that way, though i'm not turned off because i care for him. i'm just neutral when it comes to his body. but i can't say i don't want something better to look at physically, and to know that his body is in the best shape it could be.

let's see, he's not big pun big, and not rubben studdard big but more like...hmmm let me see...i'll have to come back to an example, but he is def. overweight, enough that he had diabeties last year.

we're "new" - been dating for a few months, though we have been hanging out as friends for a few years and have known each other for 4 years.

i do know one thing, i will not continue to see him if i don't see him actively going to the gym and trying to loose the weight. being overweight is akin to smoking cigs to me -- you knowingly put your health at risk, and i'd rather be with someone who tries their best to take care of their body. not only that, i workout 4-5 times a week and need someone who takes care of their body on the same level.

usually i'm good at these things, but need some advice. so how do i say that when it comes up that he wants us to date each other exclusively? i know it's coming, and i like him, but i will not be with him if he does not commit upfront to loose the weight. i just can't, but i don't want to not give him the chance either. and he knows he needs to loose weight, he has said so, i just have not seen him head to the gym yet, though his schedule has been jammed packed to the brim, so i'm a bit more understanding there. but there is only so long that i can be understanding.

health care is either good or bad, and i just can compromise and be with someone who is at a higher risk of diabetes and dying on me of a heart attack than someone who does their due diligence and takes care of their body as they should.

how should i address this?

 

[illustrioussplendor]

I had the same issues with my hubby when we were in the dating stage. I wasn't physically attracted to him because of the weight. He's an attractive man, he's just obese. I can see your concern especially since you take the time to workout, but I learned to overlook the weight, because he was pretty much the total package in all other aspects. Are you more concerned about the weight for health reasons, or for looks. Everybody has some type of flaws, weight is something minor that can be overcome with time. Maybe you can try working out together. My husband and I did this for a while and we enjoyed it. It took a while for me to get him in the gym, be he really began to enjoy it after a while. I don't know if you work out in the gym or at home, but you could invite him with you. Keep in mind that you will have to take it slow with him until he gets used to being active. Take walks together. Does he enjoy sports? Maybe you could get him active by challenging him on the court.There are a numbe of fun sports that are great for exercise. Well good luck with your dilemma.

 

[Syrah]

How does he feel about his weight? And how much weight are we talking about?

The girly part of me thinks you can just bring it up. Because his losing weight can have huge benefits for him especially considering he does seem to have type 2 diabetes. The other side of me thinks you're being unfair and selfish (I'm just being honest). Clearly you want things to develop to another level but are uncomfortable with his size. And in plain english, you're trying to change him. And that's where I have to shake my head. You can twist it around any way you want and focus on the benefits to him and his health, but it really comes down to the fact that:

you like him

BUT you don't like a certain aspect of his lifestyle and are making your relationship contingent on his changing that aspect of his lifestyle.

Are you willing to work with him? Do you 2 go on walks together, and hike or bike ride? Would you go to the gym with him or encourage him in a change towards healthy living?

I dunno, I'm on the fence.

I gotta ask - if you didn't like his size in the beginning, why'd you start dating?

 

[kurlybella]

I had the same issues with my hubby when we were in the dating stage. I wasn't physically attracted to him because of the weight. He's an attractive man, he's just obese. I can see your concern especially since you take the time to workout, but I learned to overlook the weight, because he was pretty much the total package in all other aspects. Are you more concerned about the weight for health reasons, or for looks. Everybody has some type of flaws, weight is something minor that can be overcome with time. Maybe you can try working out together. My husband and I did this for a while and we enjoyed it. It took a while for me to get him in the gym, be he really began to enjoy it after a while. I don't know if you work out in the gym or at home, but you could invite him with you. Keep in mind that you will have to take it slow with him until he gets used to being active. Take walks together. Does he enjoy sports? Maybe you could get him active by challenging him on the court.There are a numbe of fun sports that are great for exercise. Well good luck with your dilemma.

he's a handsome man, just overweight. it's 10000% a health issue. i want us to workout together and i have to be honest that i cannot over look it if he does nothing about it. i just can't.
health care is vital to me.

and you are right, we all have flaws, i have them too.
and you know, he does not have tyroid problems which is causing this. it's just plain overeating and not working out. but i wanted to hear what he had to say. i think you get what i'm saying since you experienced this. i want to give him a chance to see if he wants to make himself healthier. it's his decision NOT mine. if he decides to do so, i'll stick by him and support him. if he does not, i just can't. ultimately it will affect me, and if i ever wanted children how can i teach them to eat well and about our health care if daddy can barely get out of bed?

i'm not being vain. god knows i'm not. but this is just a major concern for me.

 

[kurlybella]

How does he feel about his weight? And how much weight are we talking about?

The girly part of me thinks you can just bring it up. Because his losing weight can have huge benefits for him especially considering he does seem to have type 2 diabetes. The other side of me thinks you're being unfair and selfish (I'm just being honest). Clearly you want things to develop to another level but are uncomfortable with his size. And in plain english, you're trying to change him. And that's where I have to shake my head. You can twist it around any way you want and focus on the benefits to him and his health, but it really comes down to the fact that:

you like him

BUT you don't like a certain aspect of his lifestyle and are making your relationship contingent on his changing that aspect of his lifestyle.

Are you willing to work with him? Do you 2 go on walks together, and hike or bike ride? Would you go to the gym with him or encourage him in a change towards healthy living?

I dunno, I'm on the fence.

I gotta ask - if you didn't like his size in the beginning, why'd you start dating?

msnandi, i stated in my op that i liked him and did NOT want to NOT give him a chance based on his size. however, health care is one of my non compromise issues. however, i would have never known how he felt if i didn't give him a chance.

people loose weight. and its also a fact the obesity kills. he also knows i've lost people in my life to obesity. i don't want to open up that door again since I CAN CONTROL it in that case - being that i can choose to be with someone who at least tries their best to keep in good shape. the people i lost did NOTHING to prevent dying from the effects of obesity.

i would love to workout with him. and i will always support him in that.

i'm not trying to change him and never will. it's his decision - he has to decide it for himself. just like i also mentioned that when his weight came up, i didn't bring it up he did, and i just agreed with him that he needed to loose the weight. he developed diabetes (which he does not have now) last year because of it. but if he asks me if i want to be exclusive, i want to let him know why i'm hesitant. i won't lie. i just can't.

 

[Syrah]

he's a handsome man, just overweight. it's 10000% a health issue. i want us to workout together and i have to be honest that i cannot over look it if he does nothing about it. i just can't.
health care is vital to me.

I like the fact that you're willing to work with him to make the changes. It's not a "you do this and I'll sit and check the results" type of situation but more a "lets do this together"...

 

[MD_Lady]

i need your opinions on how you would handle this.
i'm single but dating.

i've been seeing this guy that i've known for a while. he's great and always has been. he is just a great man all around. we've been casually dating that last couple months and when we do hang out it's really good and there is lots of chemistry.

however, there is a stumbling block that would not allow us to be together if we ever decided to become official. ...wellll...let me preface by saying i think he is great and has an all around outstanding character and that's why i've found myself here with him, but he needs to loose some weight.

now, he knows how i feel about it. i told him in a very sincere and endearing way that he needs to loose weight - it came up in a conversation about us working out and his health. he agrees with me. and when we were talking about it, it was not about how i felt about him/his weight, i just simply agreed with him that he needed to loose weight.

i just am not physically attracted to him in that way, though i'm not turned off because i care for him. i'm just neutral when it comes to his body. but i can't say i don't want something better to look at physically, and to know that his body is in the best shape it could be.

let's see, he's not big pun big, and not rubben studdard big but more like...hmmm let me see...i'll have to come back to an example, but he is def. overweight, enough that he had diabeties last year.

we're "new" - been dating for a few months, though we have been hanging out as friends for a few years and have known each other for 4 years.

i do know one thing, i will not continue to see him if i don't see him actively going to the gym and trying to loose the weight. being overweight is akin to smoking cigs to me -- you knowingly put your health at risk, and i'd rather be with someone who tries their best to take care of their body. not only that, i workout 4-5 times a week and need someone who takes care of their body on the same level.

usually i'm good at these things, but need some advice. so how do i say that when it comes up that he wants us to date each other exclusively? i know it's coming, and i like him, but i will not be with him if he does not commit upfront to loose the weight. i just can't, but i don't want to not give him the chance either. and he knows he needs to loose weight, he has said so, i just have not seen him head to the gym yet, though his schedule has been jammed packed to the brim, so i'm a bit more understanding there. but there is only so long that i can be understanding.

health care is either good or bad, and i just can compromise and be with someone who is at a higher risk of diabetes and dying on me of a heart attack than someone who does their due diligence and takes care of their body as they should.

how should i address this?

IMHO, you've answered your question in red with your comments in bold.

He already knows (for the most part) how you feel about his weight and he's showing you that he's pretty content with his physical appearance. If dating casually is working and both of you are truly on the same page when it comes to how things are going and where they're headed, I'd say not to worry too much about this right now. Now, if he brings up the idea of becoming "official", you owe it to the both of you to be honest. You can weigh pros and cons on a rational level, but you really can't force yourself to have certain feelings for another person. Others may disagree, but sparing feelings (IMO) hurts feelings in the long run. Just realize that his not wanting to be with a person who doesn't find him (as he is now) physically attractive is a definite possibility.

 

[Syrah]

msnandi, i stated in my op that i liked him and did NOT want to NOT give him a chance based on his size. however, health care is one of my non compromise issues. however, i would have never known how he felt if i didn't give him a chance.

people loose weight. and its also a fact the obesity kills. he also knows i've lost people in my life to obesity. i don't want to open up that door again since I CAN CONTROL it in that case. the people i lost did nothing to prevent dying from the effects of obesity. like i stated, it's the same with a guy who was a smoker.

i'm not trying to change him and never will. it's his decision - he has to decide it for himself. just like i also mentioned that when his weight came up, i didn't bring it up he did, and i just agreed with him that he needed to loose the weight. he developed diabetes (which he does not have now) last year because of it. but if he asks me if i want to be exclusive, i want to let him know why i'm hesitant. i won't lie. i just can't.

I hope you didn't think that by my comments I was questioning why health is a big issue for you. That's not it at all (cuz I'm the same way - especially because I do take my health seriously, I think it'd be a fundamental issue to be with someone who didn't).

And I'm not asking you to lie - I just stand by the notion that when there's a fundamenal difference of opinion/action between two people and the relationship is contingent on one of those things, there's an attempt by one person to change another. "I go to church, he doesn't - I want him to go to church" = trying to change the behavior of another person.

That being said, that's why I started off with "how does he feel about his weight?" because that has a lot to do with it. HE recognized there was a problem long before you ever did and wants to work on it. That's a change that a person wants to make in HIMSELF that you can assist with.

I'd approach it just like that. "I really want to move forward with you, but I have concerns about your health BUT I want to help you work on this".

 

[kurlybella]

I hope you didn't think that by my comments I was questioning why health is a big issue for you. That's not it at all (cuz I'm the same way - especially because I do take my health seriously, I think it'd be a fundamental issue to be with someone who didn't). naw girl, i got what you were saying, i was just stressing that it was health and not a vain or i want to change you issue.

And I'm not asking you to lie - I just stand by the notion that when there's a fundamenal difference of opinion/action between two people and the relationship is contingent on one of those things, there's an attempt by one person to change another. "I go to church, he doesn't - I want him to go to church" = trying to change the behavior of another person.

i agree. but that's so not me. i'm not that type. i'd just find someone who'd want to go with me or give them the chance to decide where WE should go together; hey maybe his "whatever" is better -- if it was a serious relationship. but i first have to hear what he have to say about it, you know?

That being said, that's why I started off with "how does he feel about his weight?" because that has a lot to do with it. HE recognized there was a problem long before you ever did and wants to work on it. That's a change that a person wants to make in HIMSELF that you can assist with. - yess, exactly, now i need to know how to bring it up!

I'd approach it just like that. "I really want to move forward with you, but I have concerns about your health BUT I want to help you work on this". -- i kinda knew this. sigh. i guess this whole topic makes me a bit uneasy because lord knows i'd be crushed if i hurt his feelings. he's awesome!

must type here so my message will be long enough - wtf??!!!

 

[SouthernTease]

I'd say just do more active stuff together: work out together, go biking, hiking and stuff let him know he's going to have to keep up with you if he wants to continue seeing you... so less dinner dates... more dates in kickboxing classes... or rock climbing... stuff like that. I wouldn't say anything just show him that he has to be able to keep up.

 

[Country gal]

The more you pressure someone about thier weight, the more they will not bulge. I had an ex that would try to get me to work out. He was fat at first and I dated him but he lost weight. He gave me a hard time about losing weight. At the time I was probably 20 lbs overweight. He would never work out with me or cook me a healthy meal but he was complaining a lot. I eventually lost wieght but it was on my own terms.

Do dates where you have to be physical and not just in a sexual way. Have him try out a cardio kickboxing class with you.