hit author urges women to settle for "Mr Good Enough" after 30

[weaveadiva]

[highlight][size=+2]Find Mr Right by 30 then give up and settle for Mr Good Enough, hit author urges women[/size][/highlight]​

By KATE LOVEYS
Last updated at 3:37 PM on 24th January 2010

[highlight]Single women who continue their search for Mr Right after the age of 30 are consigning themselves to a lonely future,[/highlight] claims author Lori Gottlieb.

Now her book Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr Good Enough, is to published in the UK this week, and it is already sparking heated debate.

[highlight]Single mother[/highlight] Gottlieb, 40, admits she wishes she had 'settled' for any of the 'perfectly acceptable but uninspiring' men she rejected during her search for the perfect man.

[highlight]The author believes the notion of The One is nothing but a myth. Single women in their 40s who maintain they are happy are fooling themselves, she claims.[/highlight]

Gottlieb claims that we have idealised marriage, and that settling for Mr Second Best could make women happier in the long run.

[highlight]'Marriage isn't a passion-fest; it's a partnership[/highlight] formed to run a very small, mundane and often boring non-profit business. And I mean this in a good way.'

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...ugh-hit-author-Lori-Gottlieb-urges-women.html

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must admit, i totally agree with her on "the one" being a myth. well, not a myth, but a fantasy shoved down our throats at an early age. i believe there are several people on this earth that could be "the one"

i also feel her on the "marriage is a business" statement. i think if more people went into it with their heads and not just their hearts, we'd have more successful marriages

however, i also have to wonder if she is jaded, being a single mom. if she were childless, would she still feel the same? and so passionately?

 

[Triniwegian]

I call BS!!!
Why would you settle EVER??? That's when you end up in divorce because mundane and boring does not work if you don't love the man. I do very much believe in the one but some people are too busy looking elsewhere that you miss out on the one.

I would rather be alone than not fully happy with a man.

 

[Rastafarai]

So where is her Mr. Good Enough?

 

[JewelleNY]

My gf did this and the divorce was about 2 years later

 

[metro_qt]

My gf did this and the divorce was about 2 years later

LOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!
grand opening! Grand Closing...
That's why you *never* settle...

 

[weaveadiva]

My gf did this and the divorce was about 2 years later

yes, but there are also those that find "the one" and divorce after 2 yrs

[size=-2]just playing devil's advocate here [/size]

 

[anon123]

I think I might agree

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

yes, but there are also those that find "the one" and divorce after 2 yrs

[SIZE=-2]just playing devil's advocate here [/SIZE]

Some sooner than that.

I think this approach may work for some people and not for others.

But then again I don't "buy" the idea that there's only one Mr. Right you were meant to be with.

 

[comike]

Misery loves company.

 

[n_vizion]

I see she hasn't settled. Where's her "Mr. Good Enough"?

 

[LadyPaniolo]

It depends on what your idea of Mr. Good Enough is. Is it that he is handsome but not Alexander Skarsgard handsome? Well, that sounds like a good way to "settle". But settling for a man with fundamental compatibility problems is a road-map to unhappiness followed by divorce.

 

[TCatt86]

I agree with women settling, but not in the sense they should settle for the fundamental makings of a good man, I mean settling more when it comes to physical traits, such as height or skin color, hair type, etc. I see so many women waiting on that "perfect" man that's 6'4/250 lbs/ chocolate brown skin/ bald head/ 40 yrs old/ no kids/ no ex wives/ 2 masters/ owns investment properties/ etc. etc. And guess what? They are going ot be waiting for a long time. I'm willing to settle on somethings, as long as I'm attracted to him, he and I are compatible, he respects me, he's a good man and provider and is good in bed the other things are negotiable.

 

[southerncitygirl]

yeah ok....whatever!

 

[PaleoChick]

Mr. Good Enough. Funny. No one tells men to settle for Ms. Good Enough. It is always another WOMAN telling WOMEN to settle for Mr. Good Enough. I am over 30, and I am annoyed by these 'panic button' inducing stories, articles, blogs, etc. that I need to find the first non homeless dude on the street that bathes, get married, and start breeding before I expire like an open carton of milk. I don't have a list of complete superficial intangibles in one dude like two degrees, a house, no credit card debt, no kids, no diseases, speaks 10 languages, can salsa dance, etc. but I am not hooking up with a smack addict either. As long as we are compatible, he respects me, won't cheat, and is willing to build a household with me, along those lines; certain adjustments can be made. When she finds Mr. Good Enough, then she can talk.

 

[Taliah]

Why yall asking… why didn’t she settle? I believe that she said she is 40 and a single mother and wish she had settled.
She is not saying settling is a negative thing or an easy way out just a more realistic approach. She is saying that once you get to this place you realize that waiting around on Mr Right wasn’t such a good idea after all because he simply does not exist. You have to believe and agree that Mr. Right is a mythical being to benefit from her advice and a woman of a certain age perhaps. I think she is putting an age of 30 just to prepare women for the worst if they to take heed

 

[Taliah]

See, she said Mr Second best. Not the extreme.
You have to know when you've been exposed to the best you'll probably get in this life.
When looking for mates first we reach too high, then we go to low. That is how we know what's acceptable, ideal and realistic to work and be happy.

 

[lizzyb168]

I think what she is trying to say is that she was waiting for THE ONE and he never came and she doesnt want another woman to feel the way she has felt throughout the years, which is completely understandable...

I think the ideal man is something you do when your young, for me i dont have an ideal man, just an open mind that i will find someone who will literally rock my world ! I believe i have found him and i never thought i would be with a person like him.

IDK thats just my opinion! Everyones different!

 

[ladysaraii]

I agree with her to an extent but I don't like the 'acceptable but uninspiring' part

 

[Bunny77]

This woman is good at using exaggeration to make her point. This book is based on an article she wrote a while ago on the same topic that created a lot of buzz.

Again, she speaks in extremes to grab attention, but her point is basically what TCatt said. NOT to settle for a man who is seriously lacking in character and values, but to not be so focused on a list of physical or other characteristics that really aren't important in the long run that you pass up a good man who could be a great husband and father... and maybe even better than you thought "the one" could be.

I think we all have certain points we will never settle on, but some other requirements could be relaxed if you are really looking for a man who will be a great husband, father and provider.

 

[awhyley]

Mr. Good Enough. Funny. No one tells men to settle for Ms. Good Enough. It is always another WOMAN telling WOMEN to settle for Mr. Good Enough. I am over 30, and I am annoyed by these 'panic button' inducing stories, articles, blogs, etc. that I need to find the first non homeless dude on the street that bathes, get married, and start breeding before I expire like an open carton of milk.

Just wanted to quote that.

 

[Taliah]

That's because settling is a womans game. ^^

 

[JustKiya]

It depends on what your idea of Mr. Good Enough is. Is it that he is handsome but not Alexander Skarsgard handsome? Well, that sounds like a good way to "settle". But settling for a man with fundamental compatibility problems is a road-map to unhappiness followed by divorce.

Indeed.

I agree with women settling, but not in the sense they should settle for the fundamental makings of a good man, I mean settling more when it comes to physical traits, such as height or skin color, hair type, etc. I see so many women waiting on that "perfect" man that's 6'4/250 lbs/ chocolate brown skin/ bald head/ 40 yrs old/ no kids/ no ex wives/ 2 masters/ owns investment properties/ etc. etc. And guess what? They are going ot be waiting for a long time. I'm willing to settle on somethings, as long as I'm attracted to him, he and I are compatible, he respects me, he's a good man and provider and is good in bed the other things are negotiable.

And I think that's the point she's trying to make - after a certain point, you might have to go for the short, hippy doctor.

This woman is good at using exaggeration to make her point. This book is based on an article she wrote a while ago on the same topic that created a lot of buzz.

Again, she speaks in extremes to grab attention, but her point is basically what TCatt said. NOT to settle for a man who is seriously lacking in character and values, but to not be so focused on a list of physical or other characteristics that really aren't important in the long run that you pass up a good man who could be a great husband and father... and maybe even better than you thought "the one" could be.

I think we all have certain points we will never settle on, but some other requirements could be relaxed if you are really looking for a man who will be a great husband, father and provider.

I wonder how many women have - verbalized - their own desires to be able to figure out what they are willing to 'let go of'.

And I think it's false - esp. when we are talking about the purely physical - to say that men don't settle.

How often have women puzzled over how an 'not quite attractive' looking woman snagged an 'attractive' man? Men just don't agonize over it, and I think that men - esp. men who want to get married - release the quest for Ms. Perfect in search for Ms. Right - who might only be 80% perfect.

 

[Taliah]

Men just don't agonize over it, and I think that men - esp. men who want to get married - release the quest for Ms. Perfect in search for Ms. Right - who might only be 80% perfect.

That's pretty much my point. That is not settling in a mans eyes.

It's like the saying men don't settle they surrender.

I believe what woman negatively call settling men optimistically call thinking outside the box.

Paying attention to what he's getting vs her paying attention to what she isn't.

 

[Glib Gurl]

I believe i have found him and i never thought i would be with a person like him.

How so? What is he like?

That's pretty much my point. That is not settling in a mans eyes.

It's like the saying men don't settle they surrender.

I believe what woman negatively call settling men optimistically call thinking outside the box.

Paying attention to what he's getting vs her paying attention to what she isn't.

Well, dang - tell it, then, Taliah!

 

[-Volare]

Girl bye!!

 

[MarcustheWu]

I read the author's article. At the end of it, she talked about going on a date with a man who had a number of red flags. He was rude and some other things that made her gut say "No." However, she said that he is good enough, because he was good on paper.

If this woman's book is anything like the article, I think she will be talking about letting go of more things than just a height requirement.

Also, people always talk about women who have lists of must haves that are too long or superficial. I know that there are plenty of men and women who have lists like that, but I really think that most people have normal lists and normal expectations. It is just hard to find good lasting relationships, and that is just a fact of life.

 

[Kalani]

I am over 30, and I am annoyed by these 'panic button' inducing stories, articles, blogs, etc. that I need to find the first non homeless dude on the street that bathes, get married, and start breeding before I expire like an open carton of milk.

I'm sorry but...LOL!!

 

[Bunny77]

And I think it's false - esp. when we are talking about the purely physical - to say that men don't settle.

How often have women puzzled over how an 'not quite attractive' looking woman snagged an 'attractive' man? Men just don't agonize over it, and I think that men - esp. men who want to get married - release the quest for Ms. Perfect in search for Ms. Right - who might only be 80% perfect.

I also agree with this.

See, I see a ton of so-called average-looking MARRIED chicks everyday who are with nice-looking men who love them to pieces... on paper, these men appear to be "10s" (looks, intelligence, good personality, etc.), and I don't see them all hooked up with female "10s."

Each individual man knows what makes him happy... and if that particular woman is doing that for him, he will be with her. I think sometimes it's WOMEN who buy into this idea that all men are extremely picky and will only wife up "dymes." (Or maybe some of us are listening to too many fools who are playas and say they won't commit unless they find a "dyme." But even if they found her, they'd find a reason not to commit anyway!)

So yeah, men "settle," but as in the case with women, I don't really see it as settling at all.

Again, this particular author likes to talk in extremes (like dating Mr. Red Flag man), but I think that's just how she is. I think the underlying message outside the crazy stuff is a good one.

 

[aribell]

I think it's a mental thing. So long as you feel like you're "settling," you'll never really be happy with the decision. But if someone genuinely changes their framework so that certain things become less important and others more important, then it's not going to feel like settling, more like figuring out what's really important to you in the long run, not just what will feel great today.

 

[julzinha]

I'm only 18, but I know that I will NEVER settle because when you do that you are setting yourself up for failure just for the sake of a title. I think finding the perfect man is subjective and I could never marry a man who I didn't love for the sake of settling for a good man