Help! My Engagement is on the VERGE...

[Kamilah]

I just got engaged in October and already there's trouble in paradise. We keep having the same recurring argument and I am feeling like I can't openly vent my concerns about the relationship without him taking everything as a personal attack.

I am only 27, but I am really old school (and yes, a Rules Girl by birth). I don't yell at him EVER, I don't nag him about things he does/doesn't do, and I don't always argue with him. He does so much for me, but sometimes I just try to tell him my PREFERENCES. Like, I was at his house feeling sick. He made me tea, got me blankets, and turned the heat up way warmer than he would have liked all without a word from me. But he didn't even have anything to say to me, we just sat on opposite ends of the couch while he flipped the channels (never asking me what I want to watch, but stopping on shows he knew I was interested in). I had been feeling like he was upset with me, so I didn't engage him either (I was sick to my stomach already!). So later when I mentioned that I would have liked to have more intimacy he basically told me that I am ungrateful for all that he does. He has one sister and like three brothers, and his family isn't affectionate at all. So when I tell him I feel that he is being cold or distant with me, he just gets irritated and again feels that I don't appreciate him.

I tell him often that I appreciate him and all that he does, and I even buy him gifts (something I thought I would NEVER do for a man who wasn't my husband). Even still, I suppose I could try harder in this respect.

We decided to take a week off from each other to decide if we want to go forward and pursue counseling, or if we want to break the engagement. I feel terrible, but at the same time I haven't waited this long to get myself in an unhealthy relationship.

He is such an awesome man, I couldn't have asked for more. But we are having CLASSIC mars/venus communication problems. He doesn't believe in the theory that men and women communicate differently, so my great idea of reading together is pretty much out the door.

I don't know what to do and I'm really stressed about it. The fact that we are long distance really only makes things 1000 times more complicated, and I think it may be a part of the reason I crave "intimacy" more than I normally would.

I never dated and I don't really know what to do. All my married friends say its normal for men to not understand and to be stubborn when you try to explain, but this feels like torture. To make matters worse, he is SO stubborn that he gets in that mode where he's kind of like "well, if you don't want to talk to me I don't want to talk to you". Totally jerkish sometimes. How is a mature relationship supposed to endure this? How do you ladies handle hardheaded men?

 

[msa]

I don't know what to do and I'm really stressed about it. The fact that we are long distance really only makes things 1000 times more complicated, and I think it may be a part of the reason I crave "intimacy" more than I normally would.

I never dated and I don't really know what to do. All my married friends say its normal for men to not understand and to be stubborn when you try to explain, but this feels like torture. To make matters worse, he is SO stubborn that he gets in that mode where he's kind of like "well, if you don't want to talk to me I don't want to talk to you". Totally jerkish sometimes. How is a mature relationship supposed to endure this? How do you ladies handle hardheaded men?

I'm not, nor have I ever been, engaged. So I can't really give you more advice than if you have a recurring argument now it'll still be there after you get married (that's what all the married folks always say).

The bolded really jumped out at me. Long distance is difficult in general and that may be something that's negatively affecting your relationship.

You say you've never dated...in that case there's something to be said for having more experience in relationships before you get married, IMO. It's possible to be in a relationship with someone whom you communicate well with. And you should never feel like you can't air your grievances with your mate.

 

[tiara76]

so is your recurring argument the lack of intimacy you feel in the relationship? Are there other disagreements, something on his end he has issues with?.....its often the case with people who grew up with lack of affection that they don't know how to express it well, and may have grown up with the ideas of love and caring as doing things for another person and have no idea what affection and inner love actions even are, so much less can they express them and at the same time have a hard time understanding why someone else may feel as if what they do isn't enough.....In the instance when you were sick instead of assuming he was upset and then later projecting outwards to him what you would like him to be doing insinuating that what he did do obviously wasn't it or enough how about acknowledging what he did do....a case like that, whether you asked for blankets and tea or not or if you felt he was being distant.....would it have been to much at that point in time to still say....

"thank you baby, I really appreciate what you just did" something along those lines...there is a big difference of appreciation expressed during the actions vs afterwards...esp if he may take it as he can't do enough to satisfy you, but on the back end you say no no no I do appreciate all that...buttttt.....am only speaking on specific situation u just posted, I have no clue how you guys engage on a daily so don't take that as me assuming thats how you guys operate on the regular

what actions do you do besides buying him gifts to express your intimacy to him? Do you do things on your own that he may not participate in that reflect your willingness to open and vulnerable to him showing that you are open to true intimacy? Or do you just talk about what hes not doing to be intimate?

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting it and I don't think you are wrong for wanting it more than "normal".....true intimacy is lacking for alot of folks....married or not...its understandable to not want to be one of those couples especially if you are marrying for the idea of lifelong love and companionship, its definitely a must in an truly loving union because if its an issue now, it will be an issue later.....exchanging vows and having a ceremony doesn't automatically mean a person is all of a sudden injected with the know how to "love"

it can be very frustrating dealing with somebody not so good with emotions or expressing them and who closes themselves off or acts in immature ways and you definitely do have to find a good way to express your wants and needs in a way that doesn't put him on guard and causes him to get defensive and buck with you.....

I would definitely say to not just give up and if counseling with an objective third party is an option to try that to figure out different ways to communicate and be able to reach each other without butting heads or stubborness getting in the way

 

[Kamilah]

so is your recurring argument the lack of intimacy you feel in the relationship? When I sit and think about it, it really is the root cause but not I only figured that out in the last few weeks. Are there other disagreements, something on his end he has issues with? Not that I know of. He says that when he has issues he tells me, which is only rarely and usually when I am discussing. I think my problem is that by trying to "be close" with him, I take it however I can get it. Even if it is by arguing. ....its often the case with people who grew up with lack of affection that they don't know how to express it well, Exactly, but he's a therapist and on some levels does communicate really well, but he doesn't understand being close and intimate in the way I am wanting. I think it's more of a problem now because the initial phase is over and he's not trying as hard as he was in the beginning- which is adding to my feelings of distance. and may have grown up with the ideas of love and caring as doing things for another person and have no idea what affection and inner love actions even are, so much less can they express them and at the same time have a hard time understanding why someone else may feel as if what they do isn't enough.....In the instance when you were sick instead of assuming he was upset and then later projecting outwards to him what you would like him to be doing insinuating that what he did do obviously wasn't it or enough how about acknowledging what he did do You're totally right. ....a case like that, whether you asked for blankets and tea or not or if you felt he was being distant.....would it have been to much at that point in time to still say....Yea, I'm working on this. I know he can't read my mind. It's just weird to have to ask for things now that before he would've done automatically.

"thank you baby, I really appreciate what you just did" something along those lines...there is a big difference of appreciation expressed during the actions vs afterwards...esp if he may take it as he can't do enough to satisfy you, but on the back end you say no no no I do appreciate all that...buttttt.....am only speaking on specific situation u just posted, I have no clue how you guys engage on a daily so don't take that as me assuming thats how you guys operate on the regular

what actions do you do besides buying him gifts to express your intimacy to him? I'm very affectionate with him, he's the type that likes to hold hands and stuff all the time (not that I'm not, lol). I take interest whenever he shares info about himself or his life, and I do little things like massage him when we watch t.v. and stuff. Just to be close to him. Do you do things on your own that he may not participate in that reflect your willingness to open and vulnerable to him showing that you are open to true intimacy? Or do you just talk about what hes not doing to be intimate? I think I do both, but I'm at a loss for what else I should do.

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting it and I don't think you are wrong for wanting it more than "normal".....true intimacy is lacking for alot of folks....married or not...its understandable to not want to be one of those couples especially if you are marrying for the idea of lifelong love and companionship, its definitely a must in an truly loving union because if its an issue now, it will be an issue later. This is my worst nightmare!....exchanging vows and having a ceremony doesn't automatically mean a person is all of a sudden injected with the know how to "love"

it can be very frustrating dealing with somebody not so good with emotions or expressing them and who closes themselves off or acts in immature ways and you definitely do have to find a good way to express your wants and needs in a way that doesn't put him on guard and causes him to get defensive and buck with you..... OMG HOW?!? What more can I do?!?!

I would definitely say to not just give up and if counseling with an objective third party is an option to try that to figure out different ways to communicate and be able to reach each other without butting heads or stubborness getting in the way

Thanks so much for your reply!

 

[Divine Inspiration]

I'm not, nor have I ever been, engaged. So I can't really give you more advice than if you have a recurring argument now it'll still be there after you get married (that's what all the married folks always say).

The bolded really jumped out at me. Long distance is difficult in general and that may be something that's negatively affecting your relationship.

You say you've never dated...in that case there's something to be said for having more experience in relationships before you get married, IMO. It's possible to be in a relationship with someone whom you communicate well with. And you should never feel like you can't air your grievances with your mate.

ITA. I think you should go to counseling together...and perhaps you should go alone as well to see if you may be able to sort through some personal issues surrounding the intimacy thing.

MSA is right though...over and over again, I hear married and divorced friends alike tell me that one of the biggest mistakes they made was thinking that the things that bothered them or the major issues would somehow melt and go away once the vows were exchanged. The other day a trusted friend was saying that she wishes she had found a solution - some type of middle ground she could live with in the long term - before moving forward because once a man (or a woman) believes something is acceptable and is allowed to get away with something, it's tough to put your foot down with any success.

Also, you acknowledged that there is possibly more you could do to demonstrate appreciation. Why not give those things a shot? You have nothing to lose at this point. Have you assessed his love language? Maybe he needs something from you that you're not getting...much in the way you crave intimacy that you're not getting. Have the 2 of you had a heart to heart about that? Not the arguing and fussing and finger pointing...just a candid convo about NEEDS and WANTS?

If you do decide to move forward, I think setting ground rules for fighting fair may be in order. Like, no withholding sex or no taking things personally or whatever because if he believes that you expressing YOUR needs is a personal attack on him, that will make every issue you have more complicated than it has to be. Maybe you can slip him a copy of the Four Agreements.

Did you actually ask him to read a book with you or are you assuming that he won't because of his attitude towards other things?

Have you written your thoughts out on paper? There is something about writing them...having to get really clear on what it is that's birthing the feelings and then seeing them in black that is really effective. The solutions to some of my most complicated problems have come to me while simply telling the story on paper.

Nevertheless, there's a reason he proposed and a reason you said yes. I don't think the engagement should be broken that easily. I think a week apart is a good idea but I say regardless of what verdicts the 2 of you come to, a few counseling sessions with a licensed and experienced MFT could only help you in the process.

Good luck.

 

[Bunny77]

He's a therapist? RUN!

Ok, just kidding, sorta... the funny thing is that it seems like I've gotten the worst behavior in my dating life from therapists or those studying to pursue a career in that field. It's crazy because I think therapists do awesome work and help a lot of people, but why do THEY seem to have such messed up lives themselves???

Now, this is just me, but I don't believe in the idea of a one-week break. Maybe because I feel that your behavior now should mimic how you behave in a marriage, and you can't take off a week from each other when you're married. Sure, it's fine to go a day or two alone for "space," but what does time off actually solve?

If you are engaged, I think you should go to counseling. I'd suggest that even if there weren't problems -- I've heard many a married person say that the best thing they ever did was try premarital counseling. Instead of taking the break to "figure out" if you want to stay together, I think you should just go ahead and do the counseling and then you can decide after that what direction you should go.

Just my opinion.

 

[tilati]

I don't really know what to say Kamilah, those mars/venus communication problems are soooo common in my experience... I hope you can work it out, and I wish you the best. Slm

 

[*KP*]

How about when you initiate that intimacy? What is he like then?

I know this is a mars/venus communication issue...when was the last time you read the book? When I get into situations like this I find myself going back to reread sections to remind myself how to communicate better with a martian.

When we tell them "I need more intimacy" they do hear it as a personal attack, they interpret it as with all they are doing for you, what more do you need! I think positive affirmations/encouragements work ,it is hard to do so you have to really try even when you don't feel like it. When he does something you do like, say so with a big smile/kiss/hug (whatever is appropriate)...."I really love it when you do xyz". Tell him how much you appreciate these little things at the time he does them, don't wait for an argument to come up to bring these up.

You can't control how he interprets what you say, but you can try to communicate more on his level. The Mars/Venus books obviously cover this but another one which is written in a more light hearted way is Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps by Allan and Barbara Pease, it is a fun and interesting read.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

I think these issues have always been there, but the fact that you're recently engaged has magnified them.

I really suggest counseling. If you're religious, meet up at a local nondenominational church... if you're in the military, hit up a chaplain. See someone - not your family or friends- who can give you objective and mature insight to help the both of you see what is going on.

Another red flag is that you "haven't dated." Excuse me? How can you marry someone if you believe that you've never dated? My dh has never had a serious girlfriend before me, but even he's dated. I've dated. I'm not saying that you should stop everything now and date around; if you love someone, then it's fruitless to do so, especially if everything is good. But if you decide it's not, seeing "what's out there" just might show you what you're missing out on, either from being with your fiance, or from being with another man.

Additionally, the Law of Attraction as it pertains to relationships and all things in life, says "Bless that which you want." Christianity says "Have faith as small as a mustard seed, praise God and ask Him to intervene, or 'touch' your SO in ways only He can." I suggest doing both... and I suggest actually complimenting him and showing him reward when he does what you like, or tries to. Obviously he's really defensive about how he perceives your reactions to him, so we have to work around that vulnerability.

 

[Farida]

You would do well with counseling. People bring baggage into relationship - in as much as we hate to admit it, we are a lot like our families. The way we see life, communicate etc. It creeps up in ways you never imagined. Then men and women are different. Then people are different. You need to learn some healthy communication styles. If you can't get this in counseling then be afraid.

 

[blkbeauty]

How long have the two of you dated?

One thing that slighly concerns me is your lack of experience. Although some people met and married their “high school” sweetheart and have happily ever after stories there are many who live a lifetime wondering of the “would’ve, could’ve should’ve done” and at the age of 40 they will sit back and wonder where did life go and where was the spice?

I was in a long term relationship with someone from the age of 18 until about a year ago. I am 30 now. We had siimilar issues, but it wasn’t until after he started a job 300 miles away that the old saying “distance make the heart grow fonder” died. I actually at the age of 27 (the year he moved) started to learn who I was, what I wanted in life, the type of man I was attracted to and how I wanted to live my life. I could not see those things while I was with him, because my focus was more on him than me. Although it didn’t seem that way at the time, my likes became his likes and our lives were meshed together.

I say this, because I thought once that women and men communicated just like Mar/Venus and although they say women express themselves with more emotion I realized that during that relationship is was more than just me being a woman and he being a man. We WERE not compatible and we tried to make 10 yrs fit knowing this all because we loved each other.

If I were you, I would try counseling. Be honest with yourself and with him about the relationship. In my opinion, marriage is suppose to be for the LONG haul. I would be taking the issues you are experiencing now seriously.

Goodluck

 

[Vanity1]

I think these issues have always been there, but the fact that you're recently engaged has magnified them.

I really suggest counseling. If you're religious, meet up at a local nondenominational church... if you're in the military, hit up a chaplain. See someone - not your family or friends- who can give you objective and mature insight to help the both of you see what is going on.

Another red flag is that you "haven't dated." Excuse me? How can you marry someone if you believe that you've never dated? My dh has never had a serious girlfriend before me, but even he's dated. I've dated. I'm not saying that you should stop everything now and date around; if you love someone, then it's fruitless to do so, especially if everything is good. But if you decide it's not, seeing "what's out there" just might show you what you're missing out on, either from being with your fiance, or from being with another man.

Additionally, the Law of Attraction as it pertains to relationships and all things in life, says "Bless that which you want." Christianity says "Have faith as small as a mustard seed, praise God and ask Him to intervene, or 'touch' your SO in ways only He can." I suggest doing both... and I suggest actually complimenting him and showing him reward when he does what you like, or tries to. Obviously he's really defensive about how he perceives your reactions to him, so we have to work around that vulnerability.

I agree.

You would do well with counseling. People bring baggage into relationship - in as much as we hate to admit it, we are a lot like our families. The way we see life, communicate etc. It creeps up in ways you never imagined. Then men and women are different. Then people are different. You need to learn some healthy communication styles. If you can't get this in counseling then be afraid.

I agree again.

Take a few days, and in this case I would suggest maybe writing him a letter in which you are expressing how you feel. But while you are writing this letter, remember the reasons that you two came together, and put those things that you love and admire about him in the letter also.

You are not wrong for wanting more, but sometimes, it is how we communicate that we want more to our mate that can cause conflict. I hope that makes sense.

As the ladies mentioned, counseling can be very beneficial, but both parties have to want to do it and work at it, it isn't a one way street.

 

[GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I]

I just got engaged in October and already there's trouble in paradise. We keep having the same recurring argument and I am feeling like I can't openly vent my concerns about the relationship without him taking everything as a personal attack.

I am only 27, but I am really old school (and yes, a Rules Girl by birth). I don't yell at him EVER, I don't nag him about things he does/doesn't do, and I don't always argue with him. He does so much for me, but sometimes I just try to tell him my PREFERENCES. Like, I was at his house feeling sick. He made me tea, got me blankets, and turned the heat up way warmer than he would have liked all without a word from me. But he didn't even have anything to say to me, we just sat on opposite ends of the couch while he flipped the channels (never asking me what I want to watch, but stopping on shows he knew I was interested in). I had been feeling like he was upset with me, so I didn't engage him either (I was sick to my stomach already!). So later when I mentioned that I would have liked to have more intimacy he basically told me that I am ungrateful for all that he does. He has one sister and like three brothers, and his family isn't affectionate at all. So when I tell him I feel that he is being cold or distant with me, he just gets irritated and again feels that I don't appreciate him.

I tell him often that I appreciate him and all that he does, and I even buy him gifts (something I thought I would NEVER do for a man who wasn't my husband). Even still, I suppose I could try harder in this respect.

We decided to take a week off from each other to decide if we want to go forward and pursue counseling, or if we want to break the engagement. I feel terrible, but at the same time I haven't waited this long to get myself in an unhealthy relationship.

He is such an awesome man, I couldn't have asked for more. But we are having CLASSIC mars/venus communication problems. He doesn't believe in the theory that men and women communicate differently, so my great idea of reading together is pretty much out the door.

I don't know what to do and I'm really stressed about it. The fact that we are long distance really only makes things 1000 times more complicated, and I think it may be a part of the reason I crave "intimacy" more than I normally would.

I never dated and I don't really know what to do. All my married friends say its normal for men to not understand and to be stubborn when you try to explain, but this feels like torture. To make matters worse, he is SO stubborn that he gets in that mode where he's kind of like "well, if you don't want to talk to me I don't want to talk to you". Totally jerkish sometimes. How is a mature relationship supposed to endure this? How do you ladies handle hardheaded men?

It sounds as though you are walking on eggshells to please him and raise his self-esteem. Is he reciprocating? Can he communicate such verbally or according to your love language? You mentioned you appreciate him doing things for you. What's his love language? What makes him feel appreciated? Actions or words? I think you shouldn't hold back talking to him very honestly. You have to get your ideas out to him. After marriage, he might just shut you out emotionally altogether and you'll just be there for the ride, his ride. You'll not be fulfilled emotionally. Talk to him and tell him exactly what you think. Even give him ultimatives on communicating regularly with you. If he can't, you need to rethink if this is going to be a viable relationship. I hope you two can work it out but if not, it's better to quit now than go down the line with a divorce with kids. I wish you the best.

 

[MD_Lady]

I think you've gotten some good advice from the others. Whatever method of problem solving you use, just remember this issue will not resolve itself on its own. If it's an unresolved issue before you get married, it will continue to be a problem after you get married. Also, both of you have to give 100% of your respective 50% to make things work. All the willingness in the world from you will not make up for him not taking an active role in improving your relationship. Best of luck to you!

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

Like another poster said, learn about the 5 Love Languages by Chapman. It's really powerful for any relationship, not just romantic ones.

The basic premise is that there are 5 languages to express love and each person generally has 1 or 2 ways they like to express and receive love:

- Quality Time (really spending time and not just being around each other)

- Words of Affirmation (compliments and sweet words)

- Acts of Service (thats mine- doing things for someone, cooking, cleaning, etc)

- Physical Affection (touch)

- Gifts (obvious)

By learning the languages it helps you improve morale and communication

 

[chrstndiva]

Like another poster said, learn about the 5 Love Languages by Chapman. It's really powerful for any relationship, not just romantic ones.

The basic premise is that there are 5 languages to express love and each person generally has 1 or 2 ways they like to express and receive love:

- Quality Time (really spending time and not just being around each other)

- Words of Affirmation (compliments and sweet words)

- Acts of Service (thats mine- doing things for someone, cooking, cleaning, etc)

- Physical Affection (touch)

- Gifts (obvious)

By learning the languages it helps you improve morale and communication

IA. This is an excellent book. My husband and I read it as part of our pre-marital counseling. It is quite insightful.

 

[Taliah]

Sounds like all you really need to do is just be specific.

 

[hopeful]

I don't really know what to tell you. I hope you figure this all out. Relationships can be really hard and time-consuming.

 

[Divine Inspiration]

Additionally, the Law of Attraction as it pertains to relationships and all things in life, says "Bless that which you want." Christianity says "Have faith as small as a mustard seed, praise God and ask Him to intervene, or 'touch' your SO in ways only He can."

This is the TRUTH. OP, if you do nothing else, heed this advice.

Like my tag line says, "Ask, believe, receive." Remember that your attitude has a big effect on the outcome of all of this. Stay flexible, stay positive, and stay open. And trust that things will work out in your favor.

 

[Kamilah]

Thank you all for all of the advice and kind words. I have that book The Five Love Languages, but haven't had a chance to get into it as the semester is winding down and I'm trying to graduate this term (which is why I haven't been on here for two days).

To those who said that I need to "get more dating experience", I don't believe in dating. He isn't the first man I have had a relationship with but for religious reasons I only court. So, marriage is a topic of conversation from the jump and it's really just a matter of determining our compatibility. In that vein, I know that relationships can require so much effort and compromise. My concern is that I refuse to be the one who is always making those compromises alone.

He is really in support of counseling. We wanted to do premarital counseling even before we started having problems, and when I suggested last week that "we either end this, or get counseling and go forward" he said that he would look into finding some counselors. So I think that is a viable option for us, but I'm not going to take the initiative on that. I'm so done.

I feel strange not talking to him in all this time. We are supposed to "reconvene" on Saturday, but with each day that passes I am more and more irritated by his stubbornness. It's starting to feel like he is more interested in being right (and by extension not having to change his actions) than he is in working things out between us- because he feels that he's done more than his share. I love him and I know that he will make an excellent husband, so it's really hard trying to temper this against my own "needs" and expectations.

Maybe my being single for so long has made me too set in my ways. I don't know. Everytime I want to work to make changes on myself, I stop myself because I refuse to be that chic who changes herself and takes on more responsibility in the relationship than the man. Maybe my relationship window is closed and I no longer have the personality components required for a successful relationship. It all makes perfect sense in my mind, but I'm clearly not getting it right in practice.

Maybe it's not me,it's him. Who knows. Sadly, I feel confident that this weekend, he will be more defensive and that will be my last straw. Just like that....poof. Maybe he will surprise me. If he doesn't, I don't feel willing to be the one to give in again. If his pride means that much to him, he can have it and not me.

 

[neenzmj]

I think everyone here has touched on some very valid points. I would strongly suggest that you heed your ongoing issues as warning signs (probably not what you want to hear, but true.) While I do think counseling is a good idea, you must remember that the individuals in the relationship must also be open to change. I don't get the sense that there's a willingness to change between the two of you. Mind you, the change I speak of is not changing who you are as a person, rather, changing those things that can be deal breakers in a relationship. Communication is definitely one of them. Marriage requires that both parties constantly die to self -- submitting your wills to one another. Now is a good time to evaluate whether you are both willing to begin this process of submission BEFORE you say "I do." Everyone here is correct -- the problem is not going to go away after you've walked down the aisle -- if anything, the problems will be magnified. I suggest that you take the time to honestly ask yourself if this is something you can live with and if there is any doubt in your mind, you need to discuss this with your fiance so that the two of you can make a wise choice before entering into a marriage.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

Maybe my being single for so long has made me too set in my ways. I don't know. Everytime I want to work to make changes on myself, I stop myself because I refuse to be that chic who changes herself and takes on more responsibility in the relationship than the man. Maybe my relationship window is closed and I no longer have the personality components required for a successful relationship. It all makes perfect sense in my mind, but I'm clearly not getting it right in practice.

I think you know what you want and that's cool @ everything you've said.

@ the bolded: Change for YOU, and to be a better person, regardless of who you're with. Let those changes be simply to improve and evolve as you. When you're on a higher level, you attract higher leveled individuals. He will get on your level or he won't. Let's hope he does and if not, you know you at least have grown.

 

[hopeful]

After reading your last post I got the feeling that you are really afraid of having a relationship. I just wanted to encourage you to really work on patience and understanding and faith. Sometimes you have to hand your boo over to God. You kinda let it go for awhile and stop trying to do the work. You sound very exhausted. Don't be, just relax, you and he don't have to figure everything out right away. Get the counseling you need and don't go in with all of these expectations, just see how it goes. Maybe he is not the one for you, I don't know, but from what you've written so far I'm not convinced of that. Give the relationship, yourself, and him some time.

 

[Dposh167]

may i ask what state does he live in?...exactly how far apart are u two?

 

[kayte]

I refuse to be that chic who changes herself and takes on more responsibility in the relationship than the man.

IT TAKES TWO....
you are making it a contest..competition war
..do you love this man?
Corinthinans 13 is awesome read.. regrdless of religion orientation
it's a universal truth on lovin

To those who said that I need to "get more dating experience", I don't believe in dating. He isn't the first man I have had a relationship with but for religious reasons I only court. So, marriage is a topic of conversation from the jump

you cannot have both...or it's difficult to set such narrrow limited parameters...and then expect to get a fully realized integrated relationship when you set the romance barometer to Z
when most people ..just start at A and see if they can even get to B.
..or if they even want to .. AND you have a LDR to boot which can enhance
fantasy..instead of the real..

it can be kind of a built in trap.....w/a self-arranged marriage track....
instead of (not intimately) but just..plain old relating as a man and woman simply on social levels......ergo ...dating..
you limit choices ..knowledge..experience...therefore options of levels of compatiblity are limited

and what's the alternative? more courting relationships?
semantics..you may as well call it dating...leave out the Mword and
really see what he is like and then ditch the guy that can't deliver
in ordinary circumtances so you can move to the one who can
in ordinary and then extra-ordinary ....then the Mword is a song
not a tug of war

I am truly sorry there is this discord..I'm wondering if it's not just a
serious communications style glitch..incompatibility
...but I think truly the source of your difficulty could be unrealistic
idealized expectations within stringent boundaries

regarding the engagement ....you are asking your fiance to change ..essentially...
Actually there is a greater demand...you are asking him to prove himself...
sure he should..but at this point?
Did this not come up during the courtship..Is this a surprise,lovely because you are engaged? ..that puts more pressure,btw,
but did you think this might transform things..
this is why we usually NEED the dating relationships..the a-b-c-d-e-fs
..and so on before leaping to Z w/out both feet planted firmly on A
first!

Your fiance has agreed to counseling ..that indicates a level of commitment
a lot of the onus seems to be on him,though
..respectfully where is your part in all of this ...
that's not coming through in your post..your side of the street

Things are challeging but God has a way making it come together
for the good...if you are ALL in agreement
I pray it works out for you..

 

[CookieLAD]

Understand the difference between changing youself and changing your behavior, actions & expectations. Managing expectations (what you think other people should do, think, act or feel in any given situation) is something that I have always had a problem with and continue to work on personally.

I will also add that problems/issues seem magnified in a LDR.

I hope you are able to work things out.

 

[Je Ne Sais Quoi]

Op what happened? Did you guys make out ok?

 

[Kamilah]

No things didnt go well. We spoke last Saturday (after the week off) and it really didn't go well. We were both very, very upset and the only thing we accomplished was that we weren't sure either way if we wanted to proceed. After I had finished my exams, and gotten over the initial shock having quit my job (AHH! no health insurance...I think I have a virus!) I was able to really focus on it in the way I needed to. I realized that I REALLY REALLY did him wrong. He paid for EVERYTHING, ALL the time, and I didn't even get him anything nice for his Birthday. He always got me sweet surprises, and there was nothing I could ask for that he wouldn't get me. I did try getting him gifts, but he didn't really care for them. All the men I've ever been with got offended if I offered to pay, so I guess that's just what I was used to. He says I didn't say thank you, I did sometimes and other times I would express my gratitude (literally, but not SAYING thank you). I realize that he is the type that needs to hear exactly those words, or he doesn't get it. So what I was doing, he didn't even recognize as appreciation.

So, I pushed him away.

On Wednesday night I decided I was wrong so I need to swallow my pride and let him know that I want to work it out with him- in a productive way this time. I called him and he didn't answer. I was a wreck after that. I didn't want to wait for him to call me back so I decided (against better judgement) to text it to him. I just told him that I really love him and that I think our relationship is worth working for. He left me a voicemail (I missed the call) and a text about half an hr later saying he's with his family and he'll call me "when he gets the chance".

This is the thing with him, he's into playing games. He is doing this because he wants to have the upper hand in the relationship, but he knows he is hurting me. If he didn't want to be with me, he would've said so already.

All the books I've read by marriage therapists say that he is just acting out and that I need to be an example of the love I expect from him. But I'm not willing to love a man who would willingly hurt me. If we do get back together (which I really still hope for), it would have to be with no rush to actually get married.

I've been having such a hard time with this. I can't sleep, I can't eat, and sometimes the pain in my chest is absolutely overwhelming. My whole body is hurting over him. I've lost about 7lbs this week (Im only 118 to start with, 5'8) so I'm really a mess.

The ball is in his court right now because I have gone above and beyond. If he cant accept my apology, then he can never accept me because I am only human and I make mistakes.

As for myspace, I resolved that by deleting him from m friends list. I am sure he took it as an act of passive aggression, but I couldn't stand to be hurt like that over and over.

So, no. Things are not looking up.

 

[TheseStankyLegs]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}