He Accepts My Flaws/Knows that I'm Alot to Deal With

[lushcoils]

I see these phrases often.
When you make phrases like the above, what flaws are you referring to? What makes you hard to put up with/handle/be with?

With many relationship advice columns telling single women to "work on themselves" before they enter relationships, I hear many women in relationships state phrases like "My SO accepts my flaws," "loves my imperfections", "he knows that I'm a lot to deal with and he still loves me."

Obviously, there are no perfect women. Women in relationships could "work on themselves", but their men are still attracted to them as they are.

Are certain flaws (personality and/or physical) more acceptable than others (both permanent and changeable flaws)? Are there certain flaws that are non-forgiving when it comes relationships? Or are flaws only okay as long as the partner is working on improving it (if the flaw is changeable)?

What do you think?

 

[pearcey]

Wow, "that" is really something to reflect on, I never thought of it/had it presented in that type fashion. The phrase you present in the thread title is almost like another way of perpetuating low self esteem under the guise of something else.

Thanks. I, too, am really looking forward to others' points of view.

 

[Fine 4s]

I like these questions!
Had a long post that didn't get posted ugh!
Ill try again later.

 

[faithVA]

My take is that you don't work on yourself for the other person you work on yourself so that you can be happy in the relationship that you are in. It also means that you work on yourself so that you don't pick the wrong person or put yourself into an unhealthy relationship.

The flaws that a person probably should work on are those that keep them from enjoying a healthy relationship, not so he can like you but so you can like you.

 

[loolalooh]

These are good questions. I think the definition of "acceptable" really depends on the man. For instance, I know a woman who has a temper and history of being molested (which affects her sex life with her bf). But her boyfriend "accepts" her flaws in that he's willing to be there for her no matter what and work with her. And, I assume, that if she never improves, he will still be by her side and love her. He's really dedicated and finds so many other positives in her that are worth him staying around.

At the same time, I knew a woman with a temper who's boyfriend had had enough and let her go. He loved her but couldn't "deal with her" anymore. That was not a flaw he was willing to accept in the long term. He had hoped that he could work with her and she would change. ETA: She wanted more time to work on her temper, but he was done.

 

[Ganjababy]

When you make phrases like the above, what flaws are you referring to? What makes you hard to put up with/handle/be with?

Trust issues
Clingy
Paronoid
Anger management issues
Intimacy issues
Frigid
Atheist (while he is a believer)
Not wanting to give birth to a child (while he always wanted his own kids).
Suspected bipolar
Diagnosed depressed
Money management issues
Lazy
Self absorbed
Foul mouth
Like the lika a bit too much
Antisocial
Proud and somewhat arrogant
Spendthrift

The list goes on...

With all that I still think I'm a good catch and he is the lucky one. The good list is longer than the bad list.

I have worked on a few of the issues. Depression and anger mostly. We would have been divorced if I was still as angry as I used to be.

 

[pearcey]

What is a spendthrift?

 

[Ganjababy]

Squanders money. Shop shop shop.

What is a spendthrift?

 

[ElizaBlue]

In any relationships both parties have to know their negotiables. For me I can pretty much deal with anything as long as it's not illegal, nasty in ways or poor hygeine, smoking or any proclivities (sexual or otherwise) that could lead to addictions.

Me and DH talked about our non-negotiables when we first began dating. He knew up front I am an introvert and have funny ways when it comes to keeping my house a certain way, putting things back where you found them, handling my food, touching my face, using my toothbrush... lol...and so on and so one...he was forwarned and still married my butt.

So...I don't feel I need to change any of those ways...I don't necessarily consider them flaws, but I do know I can get on ones nerves...especially if they are the opposite in those ways.

 

[southerncitygirl]

many issues overlap into every other area of our lives because what you resist persists and what we run from we run to.
we should work on healing ourselves no matter how painful so we don't repeat cycles of being or dealing with toxic folks that are no good for us. rape, abandonment issues,verbal-physical-emotional-sexual abuse, molestation, and/or low self esteem make for a plethora of problems which make us attract to us all the wrong types of people.

our society acts like being alone is weird or something to be pitied when in fact it can be vital to our healing process. we should stop looking for others to heal or lead us and do it ourselves so we can have clear, sound judgement. there is no such thing as a person completing us whole people should come together and pool their resources as a team effort.

trust issues can be a result of or interrelated to multiple other issues like low self esteem and abuse.

there is nothing wrong with ppl having certain quirks, but issues from childhood or bad relationships are not to be taken lightly.

 

[lushcoils]

Interesting answers so far. Anymore?

 

[Ivonnovi]

I was just going to bump this thread but then felt compelled to highlight the bolded. Believe me the healing process can be painful, but it is necessary and so worth it (kinda like giving birth to a new You)

many issues overlap into every other area of our lives because what you resist persists and what we run from we run to.
we should work on healing ourselves no matter how painful so we don't repeat cycles of being or dealing with toxic folks that are no good for us. rape, abandonment issues,verbal-physical-emotional-sexual abuse, molestation, and/or low self esteem make for a plethora of problems which make us attract to us all the wrong types of people.

our society acts like being alone is weird or something to be pitied when in fact it can be vital to our healing process. we should stop looking for others to heal or lead us and do it ourselves so we can have clear, sound judgement. there is no such thing as a person completing us whole people should come together and pool their resources as a team effort.

trust issues can be a result of or interrelated to multiple other issues like low self esteem and abuse.

there is nothing wrong with ppl having certain quirks, but issues from childhood or bad relationships are not to be taken lightly.

 

[Nelli04]

IA that people do need to talk these things out. I knew a few women who would say the last line. 'I love my man, I'm a lot to deal with and he still loves me' and then when they realize he does not want to deal with the [temper, money spending habits, attitude, etc] and he leaves them. They then turn into those women who say 'I need a real man who can handle a girl like me.'

But definitely if you're aware you have flaws when in a relationship and it is hindering the stableness of it, if possible, it's something you should work on.

 

[gn1g]

title reminds me of Joyce and Dave Meyers. Dave said he prayed for a woman that really needed help and that was difficult. God gave him Joyce she had been sexually abused by her father for years. Her temperment was horrible but today she is awesome.