Going through a lot in my life, losing a grip on everything (VERY LONG HAVE PATIENCE)

S

Stephanay

New Member
Going through a lot in my life, losing a grip on everything

Hey ladies.
I remember posting about my relationship issues not so long ago and I remembered how helpful and encouraging you ladies were, for those who saw me through my plight, gave advice and PMd me God bless you.

I really wish I could go in detail (LHCF needs to invest in an anonymous feature honestly guys thats a basic thing:ohwell:) and be explicit but I'll just give a summary and you ladies wanting to know more can pm me.

Its been rough to say the least. I no longer have a relationship with my mother which by default have left me estranged from my siblings who have sided with her and dont get in touch with me. My lil sis is too small to know whats going on and I miss her, dearly.

This isnt a typical mother daughter spat. Her mental and verbal abuse and paranoia towards has been rife since before I got my first period so dont come with the patronising "shes still your ma, time heals" bs I dont wanna hear that.

Ive been enduring it for years cos we have our good moments but she always thinks im plotting against her with my dad and shes done **** like seizing my passport leaving me stranded in a foreign country at age 15, saying I should die and that im the spawn of the devil etc, kicking me out at aged 13 leaving me out of school for 6 months, beating me up when I told her my uncle molested me at age 10 and shes actually molested me herself so so long ago. I havent said this to anyone. Not a soul, its a release finally letting this all out. I'm crying all over my keyboard lol.

I dont have much of a relationship with my father anymore since he remarried and had kids. I remember when we were so close. I lived with him when my ma threw me out but later went to africa for 2 years. Pure hell but im grateful for my experiences. Me and the stepma didnt get along, shes really young and we always had problems. this made me feel isolated and none. Due to my constant moving around and lack of attachment ive never been able to maintain good relationships.

This was one of the problems bw me and my stepma i never looked after my brothers never played with them, never connected but God knows my heart and he knows i love them. I just dont know how to love. so my stepma and pa assumed i disliked them cos they wernt my blood.

We are all cool now me but im still not close to any of my family.

How ive gone downhill is because i fell out with my friend and didnt resolve it properly and because of that ive lost my whole group of friends at university. minus a few who im not as close with.
Im so alone and miserable.
Im doing things i never thought I would mostly for the money but now because Im carefree.
I dont attend university anymore even though im on a scholarship. i lost my virg only last year but since then ive had countless meaningless hookups. im not even sex crazy.
I have a crazy internet addiction too simply because I have nothing else. its crazy cos im really popular.
Ive persuaded my ex to start sleeping with me again secretly with the wish we could get back together again.


I'm rambling now I'm sorry.
 
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Re: Going through a lot in my life, losing a grip on everything (VERY LONG HAVE PATIE

You are going to have to get yourself some good therapy to help you heal from the abuse, abandonment, and lack of family support. You are just wounded like a lot of people. Only you can get yourself the help you need. In the meantime I would suggest getting some books written by people who have survived what you've been through. I am so sorry that you are suffering so much. Everything you are doing now is destructive and causing you additional harm.
 
Re: Going through a lot in my life, losing a grip on everything

First off

:bighug:

That's a lot to be dealing with. I don 't mean to be trite but it really does sound like you need counseling. If your still enrolled at university can you seek services there? I'm sure some of the ladies here can offer suggestions for other low cost services if you say where you are. Clergy can be helpful depending on your faith.

You're spiraling and it's worrisome. Especially since you are exposing yourself to so many risky sexual situations.

I really don't have a lot of advice other then to say you're loved and lovable right where you are, just as you are, right now. Sending prayers to you.

ETA: can I also suggest that we not quote this post
 
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Re: Going through a lot in my life, losing a grip on everything (VERY LONG HAVE PATIE

deep down I know but I feel like I have to, to feel something. i want to throw myself into it so when im done I can heal properly. this doesnt make sense I know. im selling myself planning to go to underground bdsm parties and taking drugs because i want a new life i want to destruct. cos if i do that then i wont remember what it was life to feel happy to be content to be loved.
 
Re: Going through a lot in my life, losing a grip on everything (VERY LONG HAVE PATIE

OP can you call 1 800 273 TALK right now? I think they can help
 
Re: Going through a lot in my life, losing a grip on everything (VERY LONG HAVE PATIE

i call numbers like that and they dont do ****
 
Re: Going through a lot in my life, losing a grip on everything (VERY LONG HAVE PATIE

Have you been drinking or using drugs tonight?
 
Re: Going through a lot in my life, losing a grip on everything (VERY LONG HAVE PATIE

no. no. i havent started the drugs yet. im not drinking either
 
Re: Going through a lot in my life, losing a grip on everything (VERY LONG HAVE PATIE

That's good to hear!

I know a lot of people who have tried to self destruct thinking it would some how eradicate past pain, and it doesn't. It's a long, dark path that leaves a trail of tears in it's wake. It ALWAYS makes thing worse, ALWAYS

It's very late and I have to work tomorrow so I have to go but please talk to a counselor or a non judgement all clergy person tomorrow. Some of the alternative faiths like Unity or Centers for Spiritual Living have practitioners who will offer you affirmative prayer for you without judgement.

Be well tonight
 
Re: Going through a lot in my life, losing a grip on everything (VERY LONG HAVE PATIE

So sorry OP. I know how you feel. My mother never wanted me and still doesn't. She abandoned me and came back into my life about 14 years ago and it caused me to spiral. Became angry. Reckless. Trusted all of the wrong people. The fact that you shared this means you want to do and be better. That is great. I know sex is great but refrain from having any more until you feel better emotionally. Your ex is an ex for a reason. So entangling yourself whe you are so vulnerable is not wise. I really wish I could give you a hug. You deserve some affection and non-judgment. I am truly sorry you were violatated. Please know you did not deserve that. Also, as painful as your past was, it is over. You are older and can create the life you desire! Please look into therapy. It would help you lovie. We are here for you. Xo
 
Re: Going through a lot in my life, losing a grip on everything (VERY LONG HAVE PATIE

Hey, I'm going to send up some prayers for you. It sounds like you're really having a hard time of it. I can't even imagine and I know everything must feels so unfair :sad:.

I'm going to echo what the other ladies said and strongly recommend counseling. Counseling can be great because you have someone who will support you as help you structure the healing process and also hold you accountable if need be. You also need someone who can help you navigate the health system and maybe help you access some resources at your school as well. This is way too much to handle by yourself and you don't have to be alone in this.

I am praying for you, my dear.
 
Re: Going through a lot in my life, losing a grip on everything (VERY LONG HAVE PATIE

You received wonderful advice. I am praying for you too.

((((((HUGS)))))))
 
Re: Going through a lot in my life, losing a grip on everything (VERY LONG HAVE PATIE

You have touched my heart this morning and I am sending positive vibes your way.
 
Re: Going through a lot in my life, losing a grip on everything (VERY LONG HAVE PATIE

You sound so lost and broken. You are stronger than you think and you can survive this. Please stay away from the drugs and alcohol.
 
Re: Going through a lot in my life, losing a grip on everything (VERY LONG HAVE PATIE

You need something to give you hope. Something that you can work towards and keep you motivated. I don't believe there is any one thing that will "cure" you of your pain or feelings of abandonment/hopelessness. But if you hang on to an idea -- a light at the end of the tunnel type idea -- it'll help you to keep one foot in front of the other on a path and keep moving. That's better than feeling overwhelmed and lost.

For me, it was travel. Travel meant getting away from my current space, friends/family, situation, etc. I went away to school to escape from my environment when I was growing up in NYC. I didn't know where I was going but I cast a wide net and just picked one. When I got sick of my college and it's small town, I did a study abroad program in South America. It didn't cost me that much more bc tuition abroad is cheaper than going to school in America. So my college paid for everything abroad (housing, food, books, travel, etc.). I looked forward to my trips, I had something positive to focus on, and i got to clear my head for several months at a time without being in my old "space" at all.

I'm not saying a trip to Timbuktu will solve your problems, because your problems are very deep. But I am saying that you need small milestones/victories/accomplishments to keep you motivated to want better and do more with your life right now.

Those things will empower you because you were helpless for so long as a kid and now that you are older, you don't know what direction to take. When you've been violated physically, abandoned in another country without the freedom to return home, made to accept new people as family....all before you became an adult, you never really learned how to thrive but merely survive with the cards that others gave you. You never had full control over your life until now.

Life is hard for everyone. Everyone is going through something right now. But we handle it differently because some were taught to cope while others while taught how to navigate it. You're on the right track by asking for help. Counseling could also help you too.
 
Re: Going through a lot in my life, losing a grip on everything (VERY LONG HAVE PATIE

Please:

1. Get up.
2. Take a hot shower and get dressed.
3. Put on some makeup and/or fix you hair.
4. Make yourself a cup of tea.
5. Call student services and find a counselor ASAP!
6. Go for a walk.
7. Make yourself something healthy to eat.
8. Watch only comedies. No internet.
9. Repeat till you can find a counselor.
 
Re: Going through a lot in my life, losing a grip on everything (VERY LONG HAVE PATIE

Holla said:
You need something to give you hope. Something that you can work towards and keep you motivated. I don't believe there is any one thing that will "cure" you of your pain or feelings of abandonment/hopelessness. But if you hang on to an idea -- a light at the end of the tunnel type idea -- it'll help you to keep one foot in front of the other on a path and keep moving. That's better than feeling overwhelmed and lost.

I'm not saying a trip to Timbuktu will solve your problems, because your problems are very deep. But I am saying that you need small milestones/victories/accomplishments to keep you motivated to want better and do more with your life right now.
Click to expand...

I was going to post something like this as well. While not experiencing the same traumas as you, I have been though a lot. A recurring theme I've noticed during my recovery (and I'm still in the process of recovering) is that when I have something to look forward to, it helps as much as talking to someone. Some times there's a gap between understanding WHY you want to self destroy and actually NOT self destroying. Knowing that there is something coming for you helps on those days when you're half a step away from doing something destructive.
 
Re: Going through a lot in my life, losing a grip on everything (VERY LONG HAVE PATIE

I hope you follow up on the great advice given here. :hug2:

I know it seems like your in a black hole and life circumstances is taking a hold of you and you can't seem to break free. You want to connect to someone so badly and you want to feel connection and love unconditionally. Meaningless sex gives you a connection for only a short time and drugs give you some relief for a small period of time. Neither are the answer and they cannot replace what you did not receive from your family. You can start new and build today. Yes, you can. I just want to let you know that only YOU can define who you are. Not your past, or circumstances. You are more powerful than you know. You can heal but you got to reach for it. Please take the advice given here and reach out to someone locally so they can be there for you in a way that youve never experienced. Things can and will get better.

:hug2:
 
Re: Going through a lot in my life, losing a grip on everything (VERY LONG HAVE PATIE

Stephanay, pm me.
 
You are very strong for all you have been through and courageous for posting this asking for help. I don't get the sense you really want to destruct as you said. The ladies have given you great advice. Please seek help. (((HUGS)))
 
Re: Going through a lot in my life, losing a grip on everything (VERY LONG HAVE PATIE

stephany, you are NOT alone. People care. I care. And even more importantly, I understand.

Much of my life I spent numb and in shell shock, like you. I sought counceling after waiting too long (at 30). My history was so hard to hear, trauma therapists and psychiatrists have broken down and cried for me even when I couldnt cry and feel compassion for myself.

It's a road to healing, I wont paint it pink and rosey for you. It requires patience, self compassion and in the long run (not today, not tomorrow) forgiving others AND yourself.

But for today I'm here for you. Maybe when you feel a little better tomorrow, we can work on a plan to get you on that road.

I'll send you a PM.
 
Re: Going through a lot in my life, losing a grip on everything (VERY LONG HAVE PATIE

BTW, Posters, I think the OP is in the UK so any advice on UK resources for trauma, rape, molestation survivors and medical services would probably be more beneficial.
 
Re: Going through a lot in my life, losing a grip on everything (VERY LONG HAVE PATIE

You had no choice or control over what happened to you as a child but as an adult you do. You have a choice not to perpetuate the hurt and assault that was heaped on you.

YOU HAVE A CHOICE. You have the choice to choose a path that is different from your childhood. In order to choose that path you have to realise that you are worthy. You deserve better. Despite your childhood you CAN overcome this but you first have to believe you deserve better.

Please please contact your school counselling service. If you believe in God contact a church. Are you in the uk? Pm me and I will give you my number. You are not alone. You can survive this.
 
Re: Going through a lot in my life, losing a grip on everything (VERY LONG HAVE PATIE

Your child self needs nurturing - I recommend "The Presence Process" by Michael Brown.
 
Re: Going through a lot in my life, losing a grip on everything (VERY LONG HAVE PATIE

I want to share this video with you op. From 45 seconds onwards...
http://youtu.be/Zk2DNSllHeQ


You mother sounds like a narcissistic mother. What happened to you was not your fault. You can heal from this and carve out a future that is blessed. Only you can do that for yourself. It takes effort, but you can do it.
 
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