Getting married vs. Living Together

[Lucia]

2 opposing views

Destorm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6n_S9AUSy7U

Louis-ihustle nation
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7BENaDDZlw&playnext_from=TL&videos=llNw2kfxSwM

~~~~~~~~~
ITA with Louis on this one.
I won't even quote bible scripture or any other religious book cause ther are plenty of reasons why this doesn't work and they're enough non-blblical ones and biblical ones to choose from. People change for worse when they shack up vs. being married, cause they're auditioning to be the wifey hubby so you only see what they let you. So after shacking up then you decide to marry, then they change, why cause now they've earned spousal status and they're going to use it on you for worse.

He can still be a lying cheating psycho and you wouldn't know it either. Just cause you move in together doesn't mean you really know them. You can figure out who the person basically is, after some months, and if you still love who they are faults and all then they could be your one. Now moving in just to spy, or looking for every little detail is just nit-picking and neurotic, cause nobody's perfect and you'll just find every little flaw there is. Everyone who shacks up their relationships fail sooner or later and that's a statistical fact,even if they do marry, look it up.


So they only become better at lying and deceiving the more they shake up, and it becomes this thing you do really with someone you're really not sure you love, with no real commitment. In the process have a greater chance of getting prego before any marriage commitment and that's 1 of the reasons we have so many single parent (mostly sinlge moms) b/c we know most men don't take or want custody. Most times you end up marrying the wrong person cause they're the ones who shacked up with you or is your BD doesn't mean they're the one you should marry. You could pass up lots of great people who don't believe in it for religious, cultural or family values and that could have been your one, but b/c they don't shack up they're automatically dismissed form the running.
Essentially wasting your time trying to make a realtionship work with someone who's the wrong one and by the time they show their true colors as in, they were just dangling marriage in front of you like a carrot, and now you've already passed up on a few good men and have less good men to choose from now.

Besides from a woman stand point it's really bad biz an dumbarse negotiating cause shacking up mostly benefits the man anyways, cuase not only are you his "mom" you cook, clean, wash his dirty draws, iron his shirts, shop for food, all the little everyday errands like a wife, take care of the house etc.. but your not his mom and you have imtercourse, or better stated an adult romantic marital relationship, so he gets it ALL, for FREE, so why should he marry you.

I think it makes men suspicious and more playas. It makes women bitter and disillusioned, and unable to have fulfilling relationship with the real "one" It also is an insult in most cultures and in most american families to ask a young lady you're dating to move in, pay half the bills, and have smex, instead of getting married.

I'm just stating my e-pinion and if you don't like it, you might want to evaluate what benefits there are to shacking up and disagree with me.
But seriously that's why things are the way they are now especially in the black and latin communities, people just want to have fun and act like big kids playing house and not take responsibility for their actions. No man up woman up and take it seriously cause it is. Compare the single mother stats increase to the cohabitation stats increase.

http://www.unmarried.org/statistics.html

http://marriage.about.com/cs/cohabitation/a/livingtogether.htm

 

[Transformer]

I wonder what the stats on couples that co-habitate before marriage that eventually get married.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

I agree with this. I'd add that I think another reason it doesn't work out is that if you weren't sure in the first place, good chance you shouldn't get married. But now you've invested years and so you're like why not? And some guys I've talked to says now they feel obligated. Who wants a man to feel? That's an insult! They should WANT to marry you straight up. So they've been with you seven years and some will drag that on, but others will think "okay I GUESS I should marry her" and that's not good enough. So of course that marriage fails. And you're right about those statistics. Those who shack up before marriage fail more often and I'm betting it's on the things you've listed

 

[luckiestdestiny]

I wonder what the stats on couples that co-habitate before marriage that eventually get married.

If a certain percentage of marriages end in divorce anyways, it would be interesting to note what percentage of divorces were those who live together before marriage.

 

[softblackcotton]

Although I don't think I would shack up with an SO (if I ever in my life finally have one!), my parents shacked for a two years before they got married after they had been dating for one year. They've been happily married for going 28 years in July. So I guess it could work in some cases. There are always exceptions and hope for those people shacking with future spouses now.

 

[Spiffy]

I think shacking up is typically advantageous to men and takes a relationship places it may not even be meant to go prematurely.

I can't help but chuckle when people use the defense of wanting to live with the person before they get engaged. Really? So the fact that this person may have some interesting living habits is a deal breaker?

In the words of Common, "It don't take all day to recognize sunshine".

 

[Renewed1]

In my 20s alot of my friends shacked up with their boyfriends. I would say out of 15 shacked up couples that I knew.....2 actually got married, 5 got pregnant and are now single moms, 1 "caught" something and had to get it cleared up. The rest just broke up.

Besides the religious reasons........I never understood the concept of living with a guy that isn't your husband. As women we tend to naturally, take care of the house and the "man" of the house. I never understood why a woman would put herself in that situation prematurely.

 

[gabulldawg]

I think that most times people can tell a difference between shacking with intentions and shacking just to shack - if that makes sense! Of the couples that I know that shacked up before marriage (including my parents) only one didn't work out. The couple that didn't work out were shacking up for the wrong reasons, IMO.

A lot of times women may force their SO to shack up with them in an attempt to force them to propose and/or get married, which isn't a good idea.

 

[Lucia]

I agree with this. I'd add that I think another reason it doesn't work out is that if you weren't sure in the first place, good chance you shouldn't get married. But now you've invested years and so you're like why not? And some guys I've talked to says now they feel obligated. Who wants a man to feel? That's an insult! They should WANT to marry you straight up. So they've been with you seven years and some will drag that on, but others will think "okay I GUESS I should marry her" and that's not good enough. So of course that marriage fails. And you're right about those statistics. Those who shack up before marriage fail more often and I'm betting it's on the things you've listed

Exactly, when he settles for you b/c he strung you along for months or years does it out of obligation how much of a commitment are you really getting? Just the words only he's not really into it and trust me a soon as he spots the one he drops her shacked up, married whatever.

Although I don't think I would shack up with an SO (if I ever in my life finally have one!), my parents shacked for a two years before they got married after they had been dating for one year. They've been happily married for going 28 years in July. So I guess it could work in some cases. There are always exceptions and hope for those people shacking with future spouses now

Hey good for them, that's a great story of hope, but it's the exception they were on the same page. Tons of people are trying to base married life on this exception thinking that they are the rule and it will and must happen just cause they do these things, then this or that should happen like women really do think that if they move in with a guy just cause he said he had to live with someone 1st before he gets married and they will get married. When it does happen and they not only get married but stay married their the lucky few.

That automatically makes them the one he most likely lives in with the 1st one who accepts then marries someone else. I've seen this happen before my very eyes, 2 beautiful, smart, funny school mates this is from HS- College they shacked up, they were getting married (yeah right for those who can't see it this is the carrot dangling), then it was all over, so they shacked up again, and again, now one of them is a single mom, the other is married to a man who treats her like dirt and called her a lying, slutty slore-they got less because they expected less.

I think that most times people can tell a difference between shacking with intentions and shacking just to shack - if that makes sense! Of the couples that I know that shacked up before marriage (including my parents) only one didn't work out. The couple that didn't work out were shacking up for the wrong reasons, IMO.

A lot of times women may force their SO to shack up with them in an attempt to force them to propose and/or get married, which isn't a good idea.

Actually it does make sense, but most women can't tell the diff, so it's best not to take that chance IMO. That's actually what happens the majority of the time, or he's shacking up with no intentions of marrying and holding that dang carrot in front of her, letting her believe one thing and not clarifying the situation-why cause he's got it good having his cake and eating it too. So she'll agree to it thinking that he's really going to marry her. There are alot of shady men, don't think they don't know what they're doing.

 

[Ladybelle]

I wonder what the stats on couples that co-habitate before marriage that eventually get married.

I don't remember the exact #"s, but I do remember the divorce rate was super high amongst these type of couples - well over the 50% mark. While the number of live in couples who actually get married was pretty low.

 

[DrC]

People will always put high expectations into the wrong person whether married or shacking up. A ring on the finger, or moving in together does not cancel out defective aspects.

 

[JustKiya]

*shrug*

I think, like everything else in life, you have to weigh the benefits and disadvantages - both the current ones, and the ones that may develop in the future - in order to determine the wisest path for yourself.

I shacked up with DH - once we were engaged. I refused to live with a man who hadn't extended some form of commitment to me, and I refused to marry a man I hadn't lived with. And yes, if we discovered that their were some house-holding issues that were deal-breakers, he would have moved out, I would have kept the ring, and we wouldn't have gotten married.

In my mind, the engagement period is the only time you should be 'playing house' and not be married. Playing house with someone whose commitment to you can be summed up in "But, he loves me!" is..... well. *shrug* Doesn't seem to be wise.

 

[lesedi]

Marriage may not be seen as the ultimate goal for all women though. It is arguable that moving in together can be seen as a major commitment. You can have a committed relationship and not be wed...and be fine with it.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

Marriage may not be seen as the ultimate goal for all women though. It is arguable that moving in together can be seen as a major commitment. You can have a committed relationship and not be wed...and be fine with it.

I think women who buy into this are selling themselves short. If I am not married, or on my way to marrying a guy, it is more beneficial for me to maintain having my own space and keep my options open. I can still be in a relationship with him, but no man deserves my full on commitment and financial contributions without the legal contract or the intention of entering into the legal contract. No way would I consider buying a home with a man I'm not married to.

 

[Lucia]

Marriage may not be seen as the ultimate goal for all women though. It is arguable that moving in together can be seen as a major commitment. You can have a committed relationship and not be wed...and be fine with it.

I was going to say they served u the kool aid and u drank it
but actually marriage is the ultimate commitment one person
can make to another. Living together is a dress rehearsal
and in fact your just passing the time with his one
while someone who's better for u completely passes u by.
Bc women commit for real and carry themselves as married women or unavailable
whereas a man who's got a live in GF still single dating and looking 4 the 1. Ask any man your not
dating or who's not romantically interested in u and you'll get the real scoop. If marriage isn't the goal
then it's still just passing the tome with someone ur so so with cause that commtment level is never as high as with marriage most guys are for shacking up but run away from
marriage and kids so which one is the bigger commitment?

 

[lesedi]

I was going to say they served u the kool aid and u drank it
but actually marriage is the ultimate commitment one person
can make to another. Living together is a dress rehearsal
and in fact your just passing the time with his one
while someone who's better for u completelypasses u by.
Bc women commit for real and carry themalevs as married or unavailable
whereas a man is still single and looking-ask any man your not
dating and you'll get the real scoop. If marriage isn't the goal
then it's still just passing the tome with someone ur so so with
cause that commtment level is never as high as with marriage
most guys are for shacki g up but run away fro
marriage and kids so what's the bigger commitment.

I'm a believer in marriage. I want it and it's in my plans. HOWEVER, I do think there are women out there who crave companionship and love and do not feel as if they selling themselves short by sharing a home and a life with the man they love. Growing up in Britain, I know loads of committed, healthy long-term relationships that are not neccesarily legally acknowledged but are succesful and thriving. Personally, I may need more but I don't think that every woman shares my viewpoint....

 

[Lucia]

I'm a believer in marriage. I want it and it's in my plans. HOWEVER, I do think there are women out there who crave companionship and love and do not feel as if they selling themselves short by sharing a home and a life with the man they love. Growing up in Britain, I know loads of committed, healthy long-term relationships that are not neccesarily legally acknowledged but are succesful and thriving. Personally, I may need more but I don't think that every woman shares my viewpoint....

Some women may not need that commiment but hey shouldn't
expect a traditional husband wife arrangement eiher I think Sam from
satc is the perfect example of that but she still didn't really want to
live with a guy cause she wanted to keep her options open.
Some women pretend to not care and be all modern and liberal
bc hey want hat particular man but once they've moved in for a while then their real expectations come to the surface
that they really want the more traditional commitment and that's when they get hurt cause dude still o. The care free no commitment thing withhem cause that's what they agreed to @ the start
them he's like whoa she changed

 

[TeddyBear]

This is very nice topic and interesting.

I think that for me, I wouldn't feel stable in a relationship of living with a man if there was no marriage. That type of relationship (pretend marriage) has no consistent direction (in my eyes).
It may go up or may go down but has no stability and no major commitment. Also because I am from a strong traditional family, my inner value system wouldn't allow me to do that. I value myself more then to be a live in girlfriend.

I know people have different opinions, cultures, mentalities and I respect their choice, but it's not in my best interest that live in partner idea.
I like what this says below:
Individuals who are married are more likely to share a deep bond and commitment to each other and feel more secure in their relationship than couples that are unmarried and live together.

 

[nathansgirl1908]

If a certain percentage of marriages end in divorce anyways, it would be interesting to note what percentage of divorces were those who live together before marriage.

I read somewhere that the percentage is high. Higher than those who DON'T shack up.


I don't believe in shacking for a myriad of reasons. However, leaving the Bible out of this, to out it plainly, if you want him to marry you, don't shack. Recent studies showed that men are less and less inclined to get married because they can get everything they want in a marriage, without actually having to get married. That's why when women complain about men not being willing to get married, I just .

 

[yardyspice]

I've sent the letter below to two friends who were considering shacking up. One changed her mind and the other didn't. Guess which one got married in March?

Living Together Before Marriage
Letter #1

Dear Dr. Harley,

In your August 5, 1996 Q&A column on Honesty and Openness (part 2) you wrote: "One other suggestion: Don't live with each other before you marry. Eight-five percent of those who do end up divorced. Some day I'll write a Q&A column explaining why."

I've been reading the information on your web site and just recently brought home a copy of the emotional needs questionnaire to go over with my (live-in) boyfriend. We have set aside time each week to discuss one question on it at a time. We have just started this so we haven't gotten very far yet. We're looking at this as preventative maintenance so we do not run into problems in the future. We have been together for 2 years but don't feel ready to get married yet. I think these exercises may help us figure out why that is.

So far, just about everything I've seen makes a lot of sense, but now you've got me wondering why you feel people should not live together before being married. Is it 'some day' yet?

E.N.

Dear E.N.,

The number of unmarried couples living together has increased dramatically over the past few decades, and I expect that it will continue to increase. The rationale is simple: "By living together before marriage, we'll know how compatible we are." Presumably, if a couple can get along living in the same apartment before marriage, they will be able to get along with each other after marriage.

It's a tempting argument. After all, a date tends to be artificial. Each person is "up" for the occasion, and they make an effort to have a good time together. But marriage is quite different from dating. In marriage, couples are together when they're "down," too. Wouldn't it make sense for a couple to live together for a while, just to see how they react to each other's "down" times? If they discover that they can't adjust when they live together, they don't have to go through the hassle of a divorce. Besides, isn't it easier to adjust when you don't feel trapped by marriage?

The problem with those arguments is that marriage changes everything. If couples that live together think that after marriage everything will be the same, they don't understand what marriage does to a couple, both positively and negatively.

In my experience and in reports I've read, the chances of a divorce after living together are huge, much higher than for couples who have not lived together prior to marriage. If living together were a test of marital compatibility, the statistics should show opposite results -- couples living together should have stronger marriages. But they don't. They have weaker marriages.

To understand why this is the case, I suggest that you consider why couples who live together don't marry. Ask yourself that very question. Why did you choose to live with your boyfriend instead of marrying him?

The answer is that you were not ready to make that commitment to him yet. First, you wanted to see if you still loved him after you cooked meals together, cleaned the apartment together and slept together. In other words, you wanted to see what married life would be like without the commitment of marriage.

But what you don't seem to realize is that you will never know what married life is like unless you're married. The commitment of marriage adds a dimension to your relationship that puts everything on its ear. Right now, you are testing each other to see if you are compatible. If either of you slips up, the test is over, and you are out the door. Marriage doesn't work that way. Slip-ups don't end the marriage, they just end the love you have for each other.

What, exactly, is the commitment of marriage? It is an agreement that you will take care of each other for life, regardless of life's ups and downs. You will stick it out together through thick and thin. But the commitment of living together isn't like that at all. It is simply a month-to-month rental agreement. As long as you behave yourself and keep me happy, I'll stick around.

Habits are hard to break, and couples that live together before marriage get into the habit of following their month-to-month rental agreement. In fact, they often decide to marry, not because they are willing to make a lifetime commitment to each other, but because the arrangement has worked out so well that they can't imagine breaking their lease, so to speak. They say the words of the marital agreement, but they still have the terms of their rental agreement in mind.

Couples who have not lived together before marriage, on the other hand, have not lived under the terms of the month-to-month rental agreement. They begin their relationship assuming that they are in this thing for life, and all their habits usually reflect that commitment.

The Policy of Joint Agreement, for example, doesn't make much sense for a couple living together prior to marriage. "Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your friend," it is thought, would not be a fair test of your compatibility. A better test would be for each of you to do whatever you please, and then see if you still get along.

But a newly married couple makes a deliberate effort to accommodate each other, because they know their relationship will be for life. They want to build compatibility, not test it. So the Policy of Joint Agreement makes all the sense in the world to a couple who has set out to live their lives together.

It's true, that a couple who lives together can follow the Policy of Joint Agreement from the day they move in. They can commit themselves to each other's happiness as if they were married. They can overcome Love Busters that could destroy their love for each other. But couples who live together tend not to do those things because their month-to-month rental agreement does not demand it. They lack motivation to put each other first in their lives because they are testing the relationship. They're not sure they want each other for life, and so they are usually not willing to make the all-out commitment that the Policy of Joint Agreement demands.

When a couple has lived together without the Policy of Joint Agreement, it's very difficult to apply it once they are married. What they usually do is stay the course. They figure that their month-to-month agreement got them that far, so why change it.

Marriage has a very positive effect on a relationship for those who have not lived together, because they tend to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement without having ever heard of it. They know that they will be together for life, so they make an effort to create a compatible lifestyle from day one.

But marriage has a very negative effect on those who have been in the habit of following the month-to-month agreement. The commitment of marriage is seen as the "other guy's" commitment. Those who have lived together prior to marriage feel that their own behavior has passed the test, and any further accommodation should be unnecessary. Worse yet, they think they don't need to be on their best behavior because their spouse can't leave now that they're married.

Habits are hard to break, and those who have lived together develop habits that work only when they're not married. Marriage ruins it all.

Now, I'm not suggesting that you and your boyfriend should avoid marriage, but I'm warning you that unless you break out of the habits that come from a month-to-month rental agreement, your marriage will be a disaster.

Begin by following my Policy of Joint Agreement. It's not impossible to follow when you care for each other's feelings and put them first in your life. You will create a lifestyle that fits you both perfectly, and you'll wonder why you didn't marry each other to begin with.

Living together may prove compatibility for a moment in time, but it provides no evidence for your happiness together over a lifetime. The only way you can have that happiness and compatibility is if you agree to take each other's feelings into account every time you make a decision. And that's what people who marry after not having lived together are highly motivated to do.

 

[TeddyBear]

Thanks yardyspice for posting this logical letter, I also will keep it and print it.

 

[nappystorm]

This may seem strange but the only reason I agreed to shack with my ex is because I knew deep down I wouldn't marry him...ever. Hmmm...

 

[Lucia]

This may seem strange but the only reason I agreed to shack with my ex is because I knew deep down I wouldn't marry him...ever. Hmmm...

Thanks for the post and insight, and making my point all to clear and obvious.

 

[nappystorm]

Thanks for the post and insight, and making my point all to clear and obvious.

You're welcome

To elaborate, I've always had a strict no shacking before marriage. In this case, I was like WTH, I need the financial help and this relationship is going only going to be temporary anyway. I have alot platonic male friends and relatives and I hear men expressing similar sentiments. They think NOTHING of wasting years of your life and then marrying the next chick less than a year later.

 

[Lucia]

You're welcome

To elaborate, I've always had a strict no shacking before marriage. In this case, I was like WTH, I need the financial help and this relationship is going only going to be temporary anyway. I have alot platonic male friends and relatives and I hear men expressing similar sentiments. They think NOTHING of wasting years of your life and then marrying the next chick less than a year later.

the thanks button wasn't enough I'm glad you're telling what you know.
people are just out there drinking the kool aid and not even thinking about how their doing things. Men will take whatever you give them and run with it. They have women believing that living together is the "WAY" to getting married when it's backwards it's actually the other way around all the while ol boy is getting his in at home and outside. Then like you said he ups and breaks up with live in GF and marries someone he never lived with, oh the irony and she's all confused and asking herself what happened? umm... you got played that's what happened.