Functional Alcoholic

[natural in ATL]

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. That description of him, his history, and his circumstances really brought me down. Can’t imagine how you must feel when you think about all of it. Agree with every other poster that said this isn’t worth it. You are better than this. I won’t even address your mom too deeply, I have a feeling her behavior will subside when he’s out of your life once and for all. And although she handled it poorly, her instincts are correct that you should no longer have anything to do with this man. Cut him off and enjoy activities in your own city, you’ll meet people (friends or potential boyfriends) and you will feel so much better about life.

 

[s_terry]

Run.

Luckily, you’re stable and don’t have to put up with any of this. Please, please pay attention to the red flags. You will save yourself a lot of time & trouble in the long run.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. That description of him, his history, and his circumstances really brought me down. Can’t imagine how you must feel when you think about all of it. Agree with every other poster that said this isn’t worth it. You are better than this. I won’t even address your mom too deeply, I have a feeling her behavior will subside when he’s out of your life once and for all. And although she handled it poorly, her instincts are correct that you should no longer have anything to do with this man. Cut him off and enjoy activities in your own city, you’ll meet people (friends or potential boyfriends) and you will feel so much better about life.

Thanks for being so sweet and caring. I’m sorry if this brought you down. Certainly didn’t mean to. Your feedback is invaluable.


Now see y’all gone make me cry. Not sure why I stayed away so long. You ladies are amazing.

Thanks for letting me vent and get it out there!

 

[MamaBear2012]

You can get disability checks for being an alcoholic? I didn’t know that.

LOL. Sorry that wasn't clear. I wasn't trying to make it seem like they got the checks for alcoholism. Sorry. Two ended up with cirrhosis of the liver (I'm assuming from alcohol). One was always so funny and kind. Just always drinking. He got diagnosed, ended up on disability for a while, and unfortunately passed away. The other is still living and being reckless.

Another drank every day, but he smoked along with his drinking (as many folks did back in the day). He ended up with lung cancer among other things. He stopped working many years ago and gets a disability check to this day.

Then others aren't alcoholics, but the fast life and hard living caught up with them in various ways.

 

[Dee-Licious]

Wow! Color me obtuse why do you say user? I need to hear/read it. I know what I need to do but the cold water of words helps. Please share.

He’s making plans to move into your nice dream home. He has bad credit and no retirement. You have good credit, retirement money, and right now money. Even if he’s not asking your for “money” right now, he is playing the long game.

He’s lived life loose and fast and made money and loss the money now he’s latching in to you for stability at this stage of life and his later years.

He’s and alcoholic. Do you want to end up being his nurse because his health is going to be the next thing to go since his money is already gone.

Yes, I believe in richer and poorer and sickness and health in a marriage. RUN before you end up with just the poorer and sickness in marriage.

I’m saying this with well wishes for you and wanting the best for you.

 

[Farida]

Don't walk. Run. Cut him off cold turkey. You are too emotionally invested.

I know one functional alcoholic in my family. His father and siblings died from the consequences of their drinking. Just because you can drink lots of alcohol and go to work and pay your bills doesn't change the toll it takes on your body. Plus, do you want to have kids? Do you want them to learn it is OK to drink so much?

The other thing is the idea that "alcohol makes you mean." That's a lie. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions and reveals the true you. If alcohol makes you angry or mean it is because you are angry and mean on some level. Either angry and mean about life or angry and mean about not getting enough liquor. Most people who drink so much do it to drown out feelings. Unlike opioids or other drugs that make your body dependent, alcohol dependency is heavily behavioral and emotional. They don't have a methadone equivalent of alcohol. If you need to drink to even yourself out you don't have problem-solving, anxiety-helping, depression-addressing skills. Wine is alcohol in an evening dress. People make wine seem like it's nicer and better...alcohol is alcohol. He drinks too much and whether it is wine or Jack Daniels does not matter. It may just mean there is not enough liquor in wine to lower his inhibitions enough to reveal his true self. Most regular people are lovey, fun drunks. Mean or angry drunks are mean or angry.

His family enables the bad behavior. No just no. He won't stop and they will treat you crazy if he ever choses to try and stop. You shall be persona non grata.

They don't remain functional. It takes more and more liquor to get the desired effect. So they drink themselves to being non-functional or drink themselves to death.

And girl, he is long distance? That means you don't even get to see 100% of who he is. He may be toning it down for you. Scratch that. He IS toning it down for you. He probably drinks himself to a stupor when he is out of town.

You are in denial. You say your mom has never been wrong in giving relationship advice and then turn around and say maybe she is just trying to pull rank with him. Stop rationalizing it. Your mom may be crazy, have no boundaries but she is right about this guy!

The fact that he has never dated women of your caliber is not flattering. It is a red flag. Why do you think women of your caliber usually don't check for him? Don't let him make you feel like a prize for being above the crappy chicks who would stand him. No, just no.

His finances ain't ish. Sounds like he is all about appearances. I don't trust people who drive $100K cars. Sorry. Unless you are a multi-millionaire with liquid cash, in the millions, no thanks. Cars are a crap de-investment.

You are blinded by emotion. Run. Run really fast. You can and WILL do better.

 

[PrissiSippi]

You funny. Where is the danger in me? Lol Why fun? This right here is some ********! Lol

You funny. Where is the danger in me? Lol Why fun? This right here is some ********! Lol

https://giphy.com/gifs/ghost-maybe-you-in-danger-girl-whoopy-goldberg-7NbNXY0hXaBWw

You in danger girl. Functional alcoholics are fun to be around, charismatic, attractive, and addictive. Pay attention to your gut. Get away before you become sucked in too much.

 

[jerseyhaircare]

Please remove my quote. Thanks!

Thank you. Yes, him pulling me under is of concern. You are right.

So sorry about that.

ETA: The previous post hit it on the nose about long distance. I was able to deal with my ex because we hung out every other weekend so it just seemed like fun and games. All his friends and family drank excessively, but were working/maintaining their lives, so it felt normal. Near the end of the relationship, we were talking about moving in together so he spent two weeks with me to start looking at homes. That's when I saw his behavior up close and personal and by day 4 I knew this was a disaster in the making. Just seeing someone drink case after case of beer then head off to the bar to drink even more was too much for me. His mood swings were awful-angry and volatile, clingy and erratic. I realized that my life would be miserable unless I escaped. I broke up with him once he made it back to his place and never regretted it.

I'm especially relieved I left since I wanted to have children. He would have been the worst candidate since his trait for alcoholism could be passed down to future offspring plus no child deserves to grow up in that type of environment.

 

[oneastrocurlie]

I recommend the Sober Recovery forum too. There's a section for friends and family of addicts.

 

[moneychaser]

I think people underestimate the damage alcohol can do because most people have at least one "functioning" alcoholic in their family who drank their whole life and lived until they were 80. Either way, drinking in excess will eventually catch up with the person. Also, cirrhosis of the liver doesn't have noticeable symptoms until its too late to do much of anything.

The saddest part is that she had the resources to get help and would have had all the love and support a person could ask for.

My coworkers 36 year old brother s currently in the hospital with cirrhosis of the liver due to alcohol abuse

 

[s_terry]

He’s making plans to move into your nice dream home. He has bad credit and no retirement. You have good credit, retirement money, and right now money. Even if he’s not asking your for “money” right now, he is playing the long game.

He’s lived life loose and fast and made money and loss the money now he’s latching in to you for stability at this stage of life and his later years.

He’s and alcoholic. Do you want to end up being his nurse because his health is going to be the next thing to go since his money is already gone.

Yes, I believe in richer and poorer and sickness and health in a marriage. RUN before you end up with just the poorer and sickness in marriage.

I’m saying this with well wishes for you and wanting the best for you.

@Dee-Licious thanks for caring. I am reading and re- reading every thing everyone has contributed here to get it through my thick skull. It’s sad really because like I said, these people are really loving people. However, there is a level of dysfunction that scares the ish out of me! His drinking..... it’s bound to get worse and even if he gets help, I think we all know he may not be the same guy I meet. I believe it’s called dry drunk. From what I have read they get mean. I just can’t accept it in my life.

So I have to come up with a loving but firm way to tell him I just can’t move forward with this. I truly believe he is already struggling and has pain. I at least want to lead the discussion with compassion in the hopes he can appreciate and want to separate as amicably and as respectfully as possible.

It’s sad, but his sickness has already caused me worry and doubt. This I do not deserve. I hope he gets help and it changes his life for the better.

 

[Farida]

Be careful about talking to him. Since you are so emotionally invested he may succeed at talking you into staying with him while he works on his problems.

It is the same MO used by abusive spouses. Everytime the abused party tries to leave the abuser turns on the charm, plays victim, is on the best behavior and then when you stay it’s the same old same old.

 

[SweetNic_JA]

@s_terry I share this response with all due respect.

I think you are settling in a major way. This man, as he is described, is like a shell; barely a man worthy of marriage. He is a broken, bruised person grasping at what is probably his last chance to secure his future with someone who can financially help him. He is like the very home that he is competitively maintaining. Just as he can't afford his home, he can't afford the life that you need; let's not even talk about your wants. Like the home, the man may look good on the outside, but if you look below the surface there are cracks and other damages that require too large an investment to repair.

You didn't work your whole life, buy your dream house, and build this career to repair a man who has very little interest in rebuilding his foundation. Had that been the case, he would have taken action to correct his wrongs well before meeting you.

If bad financial decisions were his only vice, then maybe there would be room to get him help via a financial advisor and some strategic investments. However. it sounds as if alcoholism is a part of his lineage. It will envelope your life, and any children you may eventually wish to have. Additionally you have gotten indirect warnings that he is simply a person that makes bad decisions. What foundation does this man have to stand on, is that foundation strong enough to hold you up?

What if (God forbid) you fall ill and need a spouse who can cover you? What can he do for you?

You deserve something solid. Unless you are just looking for an empty shell in which you will provide all the sustenance and resources needed to carry you through your middle ages and elder years. I think you want more for yourself.

 

[ThePromise]

When we help others pick up the pieces sometimes we end up getting cut. Please be careful. I'm so sorry. The signs are there.