Forgiveness/Apologizing in Marriage

[lana]

I am newly married and I know I married the right person for me. But lately we've been arguing, not yelling and screaming, just talking back and forth with tension in our voices. Upset.

So today I just had it and instead of trying to defend myself with words, or explain myself any further I just apologized. Even though in this instance I felt he was wrong. I apologized.

Do you find that you as a woman, have to make the sacrifice, apologize, even when you're RIGHT just so that you guys can move on and have peace in the house? Am I alone in this?

I've learned a few things which is not to argue with my husband, cause he can't take it. Gives him headaches, makes him even more angry. The next time he has a grievance, I plan to listen and shut up, then apologize and move on.

This goes against the grain for me, because I like to explain where I was coming from when I said or did this or that. What I was thinking, how I was feeling, etc. But you know what? That just causes us to argue more, so I give up, give in and I'm sorry.

Looking for support, understanding and similar feelings.

 

[lana]

I do plan to talk to him about his tone of voice and how I feel...just not during a tense, argumentative situation. I will wait until we are relaxed, feeling loving towards each other and then say: It really bothers me when you say...blah blah blah, could you not do that?

How does that sound? I'm trying to work on being a good communicator, not being defensive with my husband and being a good wife all at the same time.

 

[Farida]

Well, sometimes, if the issue at hand isn't something HUGE, and you know you can just look over it and let it go, then you are choose your battles. If you fight about every little thing it will drain you.

But apologizing just to end a dispute, if you don't feel ok, if it is a big issue, if you will hold on to it and be hurt. A very bad idea.

Have you had any type of relationship counseling? Conflict resolution is very helpful. It is not natural but learned.

Think about it, how would you feel if he really hurt your feelings and just said he was sorry just to shut you up and end it?

 

[FlowerHair]

Like Vivmaiko said, choosing your battles are important.
Sometimes it's better to just move on and apologize. That's a mature thing to do. But it shouldn't only be one of you that does that.

You say you are recently married. I don't know how long you have been together, but it takes quite a while sometimes to get into the "groove" of a relationship. After a few years the kinks are usually worked out and things run a little smoother

 

[Seeking8Rights]

I am newly married and I know I married the right person for me. But lately we've been arguing, not yelling and screaming, just talking back and forth with tension in our voices. Upset.

So today I just had it and instead of trying to defend myself with words, or explain myself any further I just apologized. Even though in this instance I felt he was wrong. I apologized.

Do you find that you as a woman, have to make the sacrifice, apologize, even when you're RIGHT just so that you guys can move on and have peace in the house? Am I alone in this?

I've learned a few things which is not to argue with my husband, cause he can't take it. Gives him headaches, makes him even more angry. The next time he has a grievance, I plan to listen and shut up, then apologize and move on.

This goes against the grain for me, because I like to explain where I was coming from when I said or did this or that. What I was thinking, how I was feeling, etc. But you know what? That just causes us to argue more, so I give up, give in and I'm sorry.

Looking for support, understanding and similar feelings.

Like you I did the same - just apologize. So your not the only one. However, I started developing resentment because I didn't communicate my feelings. I have learned that you can do both (apologize and communicate your feelings) and it still be productive not leading to argue or tension. One without the other can be detrimental, IMHO. Both people being able and provided the opportunity to communicate their feelings is the objective.

But anyways, I don't think its just a womans sacrifice because DH also will apologize or wave the white flag in order to make peace and because I know his intentions when doing such, I will follow suit and apologize for anything I have done. Vice versa. However, after the apology comes communication. If the communication does not follow, then it can lead to a cycle of just apologizing for the sake of peace, which is not healthy.

Quick tip on how to prevent arguing, this method works for us:

Talk, Listen, Talk.

Talk - DH or You talk first and explain his/yours feelings or thoughts without placing blame or bring up past incidents. Example:

Incorrect way to communicate: "You always do _________"
Correct way to communicare: When you did _____, it made me feel like _______

Listen - while person A is talking, person B is listening so they can repeat EXACT what person A said when they finished talking. Not listening to formulate a defence.

Talk - Person B repeats the exact words of person A. Person A is listening and will then (when person B is done) confirms if person B has it correct. If correct, then the process starts again, but with the other person stating their feelings, etc. etc. If not correct, then the process starts over until person B can reiterate verbatim what Person A said.

I think it is a GOOD way to combat arguing. It takes effort and time at first, but as you continue to approach communicating this way as opposed to arguing, it will become natural.

 

[felicia]

Yes, I'm newly married( 3 months, but together almost 4 years). Sometimes I just apologize because I feel like we aren't really getting anymore. Then I bring the problem back up when we are more calm or neutral.

 

[Divine Inspiration]

Kelcee has given great advice.

Although I'm not married, I have done extensive reading on marriage and how to make it work as well as taking classes on interpersonal communications, etc.

Anyway, what I wanted to add was something I got from Dr. Laura's The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands (which is an EXCELLENT book for a newlywed, btw). She discussed the need to choose battles and to understand that men are not as inclined to spend hours discussing the details of things the way women are. The point she made was that women have to be conscious of the need to talk, talk, talk because we tend to want to talk aimlessly sometimes.

And in choosing battles, she suggests asking yourself, "Is this the hill upon which I wish to die?" It's a metaphor for something that a soldier did in war. He had been hit and was debating whether he should give up and die and forgo the rest of his life or move off of the hill and get first aid and live.

The point was that some disagreements are hills that are not worth "dying" on...meaning they are not worth being miserable, angry, or even divorced over so you have to stay conscious of what's really important so as not to get bogged down in the details of your life together.

I used this often in my last relationship. Prior to reading the book, we would disagree on things sometimes that were SO not worth it in hindsight. Asking myself this question really helped me put things in perspective in the heat of the moment and make better value judgments about what was worth having a serious talk about and what wasn't.

HTH

 

[lana]

Wow, after reading the responses, I just wanted to thank you ladies. I feel that you are all speaking from experience or a place of knowledge and that's exactly what I wanted. We have only been married for four (almost five) months but we've known each other (dated) for a little over two years prior to marriage.

He apologizes too. I guess I should have said that early on but I just assumed it was a given. Yes, he apologizes too, although I think he apologizes more when he's really wrong or said something that he knows hurt me.

I put this into practice this weekend, because I want a peaceful homelife, instead of nitpicking or arguing over little things I just let it go. Smiled and moved on. I will examine my feelings to see if there is any resentment building up. I don't think so though...what I noticed is that we argue less or not at all (when I'm not adding to it). So that tells me that I may be the one that needs to step back, take a look around and make a few changes.

I appreciate all the responses. I firmly believe in working on myself in marriage. Especially because I find that my husband really wants to get along with me and we both want to be happily married to our best friend.


Lana

 

[lana]

Like you I did the same - just apologize. So your not the only one. However, I started developing resentment because I didn't communicate my feelings. I have learned that you can do both (apologize and communicate your feelings) and it still be productive not leading to argue or tension. One without the other can be detrimental, IMHO. Both people being able and provided the opportunity to communicate their feelings is the objective.

But anyways, I don't think its just a womans sacrifice because DH also will apologize or wave the white flag in order to make peace and because I know his intentions when doing such, I will follow suit and apologize for anything I have done. Vice versa. However, after the apology comes communication. If the communication does not follow, then it can lead to a cycle of just apologizing for the sake of peace, which is not healthy.

Quick tip on how to prevent arguing, this method works for us:

Talk, Listen, Talk.

Talk - DH or You talk first and explain his/yours feelings or thoughts without placing blame or bring up past incidents. Example:

Incorrect way to communicate: "You always do _________"
Correct way to communicare: When you did _____, it made me feel like _______

Listen - while person A is talking, person B is listening so they can repeat EXACT what person A said when they finished talking. Not listening to formulate a defence.

Talk - Person B repeats the exact words of person A. Person A is listening and will then (when person B is done) confirms if person B has it correct. If correct, then the process starts again, but with the other person stating their feelings, etc. etc. If not correct, then the process starts over until person B can reiterate verbatim what Person A said.

I think it is a GOOD way to combat arguing. It takes effort and time at first, but as you continue to approach communicating this way as opposed to arguing, it will become natural.

I have heard about this way of sorting out an issue or problem. It's difficult for me to put into play when I'm initially hurt or upset. BUT, I can see how it would help. We do already try to stay away from saying "You always..." or "You never...". So that part really does help. I think both people have to be willing to participate in the exercise listed above. Otherwise it won't work. I will talk with my husband about things again when we're cool, calm and lovey dovey. This weekend was a good weekend with no arguing, but out of the last four weekends (we had arguments three times). We never seem to argue during the week or after work. Pinpointing when we argue was important to me, because it let me know that we're venting our stress on each other, instead of upbuilding one another.

 

[*KP*]

I have heard about this way of sorting out an issue or problem. It's difficult for me to put into play when I'm initially hurt or upset. BUT, I can see how it would help. We do already try to stay away from saying "You always..." or "You never...". So that part really does help. I think both people have to be willing to participate in the exercise listed above. Otherwise it won't work. I will talk with my husband about things again when we're cool, calm and lovey dovey. This weekend was a good weekend with no arguing, but out of the last four weekends (we had arguments three times). We never seem to argue during the week or after work. Pinpointing when we argue was important to me, because it let me know that we're venting our stress on each other, instead of upbuilding one another.

Glad to know it's not just me, it seems to be every other weekend - it really is draining and tough to put this principles into action. Sometimes I don't even want to because I am too focused on being angry and it is hard to get out of that thought pattern.

 

[MD_Lady]

You need a hug.

I’ve been married for 2 years (we’ve been together for almost 4) and my husband and I have gone through quite a bit in a short period of time. There’s a difference between being tactful/respectful and walking on egg shells.

Do you find that you as a woman, have to make the sacrifice, apologize, even when you're RIGHT just so that you guys can move on and have peace in the house? Am I alone in this?

I think both husbands and wives need to learn to pick their battles. The truth is that if you plan on spending the rest of your life living with and loving another person, you just can’t turn every minor spat into a major world war. You're both human and on the same level. I don’t feel that anyone (male or female) should be made to feel that they must always be the one to sacrifice or apologize, no matter the circumstances. As long as everyone is imperfect, everyone must familiarize themselves with the concept of making apologies and sacrifices.

I've learned a few things which is not to argue with my husband, cause he can't take it. Gives him headaches, makes him even more angry. The next time he has a grievance, I plan to listen and shut up, then apologize and move on

This goes against the grain for me, because I like to explain where I was coming from when I said or did this or that. What I was thinking, how I was feeling, etc. But you know what? That just causes us to argue more, so I give up, give in and I'm sorry.

No disrespect, but your husband is going to have to get a thicker skin and learn how to handle conflicts. Life is unpredictable and you never know what challenges you’ll face. Not only is your constantly turning the other cheek (or being made to feel as though you have to) unfair to you, it will wind up putting a strain on your relationship.

 

[MD_Lady]

I do plan to talk to him about his tone of voice and how I feel...just not during a tense, argumentative situation. I will wait until we are relaxed, feeling loving towards each other and then say: It really bothers me when you say...blah blah blah, could you not do that?

How does that sound? I'm trying to work on being a good communicator, not being defensive with my husband and being a good wife all at the same time.

I think that is a GREAT plan. Your husband also needs to do exactly what is bolded above (just swap the words "husband" and "wife" ).

 

[lonei]

I do plan to talk to him about his tone of voice and how I feel...just not during a tense, argumentative situation. I will wait until we are relaxed, feeling loving towards each other and then say: It really bothers me when you say...blah blah blah, could you not do that?

How does that sound? I'm trying to work on being a good communicator, not being defensive with my husband and being a good wife all at the same time.

I am newly married too and agree with you communicating this to him when in a relaxed state. I know you are trying to keep peace but I don't feel you should say sorry all the time especially if its not your fault. After much practice, we both try to say sorry to each other in our relationship and I would be unhappy if I had to apologise all the time just to keep the peace. Maybe this is something you can discuss too when in a relaxed state, the fact that you both need to be forthcoming with sorry's and make a pact to not let the sun set on your anger nor for one person to always be the one to have to say sorry...

God bless us Newly weds!