apemay1969
Well-Known Member
Friends, the last two years have been a transition, for sure. Since October of 2010, I have:
·fled the plantation(left my husband) leaving everything behind
·Moved into my daughter's best friend's basement. I expected her leprechaun daddy to show up naked next to my mattress on the floor(box springs don't fit in cars) at any time. Through Thanksgiving and Christmas. This house was an entire city away from my job. Bus was 2 hours ride.
·Had a grandson born with a brain deformity a week before Christmas. We found out we had a grandchild while my son's ex-girlfriend was in labor at 5cm dilated on the night that a lemon car I had just bought was being towed to the shop.
·My husband had been eepairing his credit but not payong any bills in my name. I was working, in school I trusted him. I could not get an apartment sven with money in hand. I moved into one of the slummiest neighborhoods over an ex's mom's corner store with a handmade heating system. It cost $1000 a month to heat and I made too much money for assistance and city weatherproofing. My sink stopped up and she went on vacation for two weeks, yelled at me for washing dishes in her tub.
·this all during my first year of teaching high school English to students with special needs while in graduate school to complete my certification.
·That summer, while picking up mail, my husband tried to rape me which caused me to have my first anxiety attack because I thought he and everybody else were following me and was going to kill me. It took an hour for the paramedics to get me in the ambulance becaise i thought they were going to kill me too.
·I couldn't go to school because I was afraid so I wasn't able to complete the six credits needed to recertify my teaching license.
·I moved from the hood house into a wonderful bungalow with only my daughter and self and dog significant bump in rent but worth it.
10 days later was fired because I hadn't renewed my license within the time frame even after my university guaranteed it wasn't hard to get an exception.
·My boss fought and I lost both appeals for unemployment. No income. A 'friend offered to pay me $20 a day to babysit her two kids. I told her I could make more money begging on the offramp.
·Caught my daughter about to perform a sexual act with a boy in her closet.
·Had to give dog away because I couldn't take care of him.
·Filed my own bankruptcy and divorce.
·Had to apply for welfare benefits and be talked down to by people in jobs Im qualified to train and supervise.
·diagnosed with a disability with medicine that has very funky side effects. Decided to apply for disability.
·Told to leave home within five days or get an eviction on my record. Bankruptcy and eviction meant having a hard time getting a safe place to live for a long long time.
·Moved in with my 21 yo son who's in ministerial school and my daughter lives with her sister. I worry and I miss her.
·Have interviewed and not gotten jobs and found out that a stupid shoplifting charge from 17 years ago was keeping me from jobs I'm qualified for. I couldn't even use my substitute teaching permit.
·School's starting for my daughter and we have no supplies, clothes or fees.
Ok. All of that is horrible. I've renewed my relationship with Christ and am ready to move on. I let go of a friendship because it had become sexual and I'm not completely divorced. I feel my life was blocmdd by adultery. My spirit is refreshed and I look forward to my life.
Why did my 4 sons' father who I left because of physical and sexual abuse and drug use and hasn't been in their lives since 1993 call the one son he denied and ask if he can stay a few days until he can get into a shelter. This n-word is 48, no HS diploma, no FICA kind of job EVER and the reason I can't sleep on my back because I used to wake up with him on top of me or worse. He knocked out teeth, blacked eyes, sold TVs, stole meat out the freezer, baby milk and the microwave that could heat it up, and sold our food stamps. I was feeding four young boys -7, 5, 3, 1 on popcorn and pantry food. I've been having anxiety attacks, I can't sleep. He texts me sexual comments, is eating up MY food, he sits in the house and watches MY big screen and Blu-Ray all day and got upset when I asked him not to talk to me other than hi and bye. He texts me or calls over and over. Whenever im sitting down to do something, I notice I have a text and it's him asking if im mad at him or is he fat or something else random and irrelevant. I've since blocked calls and texts.
It's unbearable. Almost.
I want to forgive but he hasn't changed except he isn't smoking crack(I don't think) or coming into my bedroom, putting his hand over my face and raping me, or punching me in the face while holding me down cause I wanted to register for school.
After ALL, the crap that has gone on these last few years, I am now living in a home with my abuser. My son says I need to pray and forgive. Dad has changed. My other son says to not let him take my joy and be grateful I have a place off the streets.
I don't know, y'all. Last week, he was having breathing problems associated with sleep apnea and I actually hoped he wouldn't catch his breath and he would die. I've never EVER hoped ANYONE would die EVER. The blood of Jesus cleans people and they deserve a chance to repent and change but if this n-word doesn't stop telling me im beautiful and how I'm his hero (who says that?), I own no what im gone do.(he sends me back to ebonics). I am cold as a pimp's heart to this man and it feels horrible. I believe my feelings are reasonable, however, I want to leave and go to a shelter so that I can rest. I even slept in my car one night and I wrap up like i live in Afghanistan when I get out of the shower. He's always here and I always catch him looking at my body parts. My son won't put him out because he thinks I need to forgive cause he's changed. He's hoodwinked my boy and I'm feeling anger for that. I've been petty. Getting mad cause he ate my Doritos or drank my juice.
Aarghh. He's looking at me now. I know I'm going to have to deal with this and its me and Jesus but I could use some words to help me get through this. I feel like this is a breakthrough and if I can forgive him, I will be able go move further in my spiritual and material life.
Sorry this is long. I haven't even told this whole story to anyone before.
·fled the plantation(left my husband) leaving everything behind
·Moved into my daughter's best friend's basement. I expected her leprechaun daddy to show up naked next to my mattress on the floor(box springs don't fit in cars) at any time. Through Thanksgiving and Christmas. This house was an entire city away from my job. Bus was 2 hours ride.
·Had a grandson born with a brain deformity a week before Christmas. We found out we had a grandchild while my son's ex-girlfriend was in labor at 5cm dilated on the night that a lemon car I had just bought was being towed to the shop.
·My husband had been eepairing his credit but not payong any bills in my name. I was working, in school I trusted him. I could not get an apartment sven with money in hand. I moved into one of the slummiest neighborhoods over an ex's mom's corner store with a handmade heating system. It cost $1000 a month to heat and I made too much money for assistance and city weatherproofing. My sink stopped up and she went on vacation for two weeks, yelled at me for washing dishes in her tub.
·this all during my first year of teaching high school English to students with special needs while in graduate school to complete my certification.
·That summer, while picking up mail, my husband tried to rape me which caused me to have my first anxiety attack because I thought he and everybody else were following me and was going to kill me. It took an hour for the paramedics to get me in the ambulance becaise i thought they were going to kill me too.
·I couldn't go to school because I was afraid so I wasn't able to complete the six credits needed to recertify my teaching license.
·I moved from the hood house into a wonderful bungalow with only my daughter and self and dog significant bump in rent but worth it.
10 days later was fired because I hadn't renewed my license within the time frame even after my university guaranteed it wasn't hard to get an exception.
·My boss fought and I lost both appeals for unemployment. No income. A 'friend offered to pay me $20 a day to babysit her two kids. I told her I could make more money begging on the offramp.
·Caught my daughter about to perform a sexual act with a boy in her closet.
·Had to give dog away because I couldn't take care of him.
·Filed my own bankruptcy and divorce.
·Had to apply for welfare benefits and be talked down to by people in jobs Im qualified to train and supervise.
·diagnosed with a disability with medicine that has very funky side effects. Decided to apply for disability.
·Told to leave home within five days or get an eviction on my record. Bankruptcy and eviction meant having a hard time getting a safe place to live for a long long time.
·Moved in with my 21 yo son who's in ministerial school and my daughter lives with her sister. I worry and I miss her.
·Have interviewed and not gotten jobs and found out that a stupid shoplifting charge from 17 years ago was keeping me from jobs I'm qualified for. I couldn't even use my substitute teaching permit.
·School's starting for my daughter and we have no supplies, clothes or fees.
Ok. All of that is horrible. I've renewed my relationship with Christ and am ready to move on. I let go of a friendship because it had become sexual and I'm not completely divorced. I feel my life was blocmdd by adultery. My spirit is refreshed and I look forward to my life.
Why did my 4 sons' father who I left because of physical and sexual abuse and drug use and hasn't been in their lives since 1993 call the one son he denied and ask if he can stay a few days until he can get into a shelter. This n-word is 48, no HS diploma, no FICA kind of job EVER and the reason I can't sleep on my back because I used to wake up with him on top of me or worse. He knocked out teeth, blacked eyes, sold TVs, stole meat out the freezer, baby milk and the microwave that could heat it up, and sold our food stamps. I was feeding four young boys -7, 5, 3, 1 on popcorn and pantry food. I've been having anxiety attacks, I can't sleep. He texts me sexual comments, is eating up MY food, he sits in the house and watches MY big screen and Blu-Ray all day and got upset when I asked him not to talk to me other than hi and bye. He texts me or calls over and over. Whenever im sitting down to do something, I notice I have a text and it's him asking if im mad at him or is he fat or something else random and irrelevant. I've since blocked calls and texts.
It's unbearable. Almost.
I want to forgive but he hasn't changed except he isn't smoking crack(I don't think) or coming into my bedroom, putting his hand over my face and raping me, or punching me in the face while holding me down cause I wanted to register for school.
After ALL, the crap that has gone on these last few years, I am now living in a home with my abuser. My son says I need to pray and forgive. Dad has changed. My other son says to not let him take my joy and be grateful I have a place off the streets.
I don't know, y'all. Last week, he was having breathing problems associated with sleep apnea and I actually hoped he wouldn't catch his breath and he would die. I've never EVER hoped ANYONE would die EVER. The blood of Jesus cleans people and they deserve a chance to repent and change but if this n-word doesn't stop telling me im beautiful and how I'm his hero (who says that?), I own no what im gone do.(he sends me back to ebonics). I am cold as a pimp's heart to this man and it feels horrible. I believe my feelings are reasonable, however, I want to leave and go to a shelter so that I can rest. I even slept in my car one night and I wrap up like i live in Afghanistan when I get out of the shower. He's always here and I always catch him looking at my body parts. My son won't put him out because he thinks I need to forgive cause he's changed. He's hoodwinked my boy and I'm feeling anger for that. I've been petty. Getting mad cause he ate my Doritos or drank my juice.
Aarghh. He's looking at me now. I know I'm going to have to deal with this and its me and Jesus but I could use some words to help me get through this. I feel like this is a breakthrough and if I can forgive him, I will be able go move further in my spiritual and material life.
Sorry this is long. I haven't even told this whole story to anyone before.
Will pray for your safety and that you're back on your feet, in your own place, happy and comfortable and not having to worry about anything!!!
I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time. I will be praying to god that you get through your trying time. I know only the strength of god can get you through this. Keep your faith and continue to pray and vent if you need to.
