Feeling used and Im upset about it...

[Rainbow Dash]

Well I met this girl at my church who has 7 kids, a husband who does not work and is in the street. They always need help financially or with the kids or whatever.

Well I have been trying to be a friend to her by encouraging her in her walk with the Lord and sometimes helping with the kids, and giving money to keep her from getting put out.

Well I started to kind of pull away because it was like because i work from home part time and have kids of my own, she feels that Im always available to keep her kids or do stuff while she goes to school and work. She would call me almost every week to keep one of the kids because they are sick or need to be picked up. She is working and going to school.
I work from home and my kids are in school or preschool when I work because it is phone work.

Last week she called me at 6:30 in the morning to watch one of her kids while she goes to class becuase he was throwing up. I told her that I cant watch him because I have to work all morning. She gets an attitude. So I called her the other day to say hello. She was quick with me and said she would call me back.

Well I am mad that she is mad with me because I would not take her child, even though she knows Im working.

I feel like she will need help again and will call out of the blue to ask a favor but in my mind, my answer will be a big NO to whatever she asks for. I struggled with telling her NO before because I dont want to hurt her feelings, but the ONE TIME i tell her NO. She is upset and I feel used.

I mean how dare you get upset with me when I have paid your rent for you, bought lunch for you, picked your kids up from school, ran you around when your car did not work, blessed you with a pedicure for your birthday, kept your newborn for 3 weeks so that you could go to school without asking for one dime and you treat me like this.

So ladies being Christian women... When she calls me for another favor am I wrong to already have my mind made up that no matter what she needs, it will be NO?

 

[loolalooh]

I'll try to find some Proverbs verses when I get home.

In the mean time, I hope others chime in.

 

[loolalooh]

Proverbs 6 (NLT):

1 My child, if you have put up security for a friend’s debt
or agreed to guarantee the debt of a stranger—
2 if you have trapped yourself by your agreement
and are caught by what you said—
3 follow my advice and save yourself,
for you have placed yourself at your friend’s mercy.
Now swallow your pride;
go and beg to have your name erased.
4 Don’t put it off; do it now!
Don’t rest until you do.
5 Save yourself like a gazelle escaping from a hunter,
like a bird fleeing from a net.

I know you haven't gone as far as agreeing to pay off her debt, etc., but she appears to believe that you are at her mercy. Your situation seems like one in which it is okay to say NO at this point. You have a great deal for her.

 

[Prudent1]

OP. God does expect us to be generous to a fault and to give until it hurts. However, he does want us to become enablers nor does he expect that generosity to be one sided. It does seem as if this woman has taken advantage of you. Pray for her, pray for yourself, and learn to love her from a distance until / unless you are instructed to do otherwise by God. IOW, make sure you don't let this cause you to harbor bitterness or unforgiveness in your heart. You will end up blocking your own blessings. I think your anger is justified. Be angry but sin not! LOL @ God. I just posted a thread on forgiving, then I saw your post.

Rom 12:18
18If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
Matt 18:21-22
21Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"
22Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
Rom 12:19
19Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"says the Lord.
Heb 10:30
30For we know him who said, "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," and again, "The Lord will judge his people."

 

[Prudent1]

^^^ Oops dbl post!^^^

 

[mscocoface]

You are dealing with a baby christian. How do you handle babies?

She does not understand that you are being generous and helpful yet. She may never understand.

Just like with babies you need to create boundaries because she will use you up. Don't know if it is intentional or just lack of understanding but either way is not good.

I can promise as the sunrise tomorrow she will come calling again if she gets desperate enough. You will need to decide if you feel this is the right thing to do with regards to helping her like this.

 

[Rainbow Dash]

Thanks so much ladies for your replies, you ladies are awesome. I thank God for the Christian forum, I know that I will receive Godly wisdom and counsel from my fellow sisters in Christ. I will meditate on the scriptures provided to ensure that I keep my heart towards the Lord.

 

[Guitarhero]

The best thing here is to contemplate the greatest need, pride, help or truth? I can't give you an answer but from what you've told us, she's in desperate need. I think her attitude is probably a symptom of the extreme stress she's enduring and the attempt to pick herself up. She's going to class to better herself and at every turn, something goes outside the plan to hijack her desire to overcome this.

Be honest with her and tell her why you cannot do all those things every time. Let her know that you could jeopardize your job, your childrens' health (sick with a virus and spreading it to your kids?) and whatever else you need to set her straight on. She's being selfish right now and you are being taken for granted but I somehow think it's because she's desperately trying to hold on to moving up. I wouldn't give up entirely on helping her but let her know what and why you are stressed over it. She's lucky she came across someone who is selfless enough to give such support for her family.

 

[Mahalialee4]

Proverbs 6 (NLT):

1 My child, if you have put up security for a friend’s debt
or agreed to guarantee the debt of a stranger—
2 if you have trapped yourself by your agreement
and are caught by what you said—
3 follow my advice and save yourself,
for you have placed yourself at your friend’s mercy.
Now swallow your pride;
go and beg to have your name erased.
4 Don’t put it off; do it now!
Don’t rest until you do.
5 Save yourself like a gazelle escaping from a hunter,
like a bird fleeing from a net.

I know you haven't gone as far as agreeing to pay off her debt, etc., but she appears to believe that you are at her mercy. Your situation seems like one in which it is okay to say NO at this point. You have a great deal for her.

ITA with that Scripture.

 

[curali]

Have you asked her if her husband is available to help with His 7 kids?

 

[Thiends]

She is using you. And you are letting her. Put an end to this today.

 

[Laela]

Amen...perfect Scripture!

Proverbs 6 (NLT):

1 My child, if you have put up security for a friend’s debt
or agreed to guarantee the debt of a stranger—
2 if you have trapped yourself by your agreement
and are caught by what you said—
3 follow my advice and save yourself,
for you have placed yourself at your friend’s mercy.
Now swallow your pride;
go and beg to have your name erased.
4 Don’t put it off; do it now!
Don’t rest until you do.
5 Save yourself like a gazelle escaping from a hunter,
like a bird fleeing from a net.

I know you haven't gone as far as agreeing to pay off her debt, etc., but she appears to believe that you are at her mercy. Your situation seems like one in which it is okay to say NO at this point. You have a great deal for her.

 

[Rainbow Dash]

Have you asked her if her husband is available to help with His 7 kids?

Her husband is an alcholic, he does not work and is out in the the street.

 

[Rainbow Dash]

She is using you. And you are letting her. Put an end to this today.

Believe me I am soo done with that. Its like she feels people especially christians should help her because she has 7 kids and not enough money with a man that has been an alcholic since she met him.

I was just trying to be a friend to her and she wanted way more than I was able to give.

 

[TiffanysAunt]

Never yield to emotional scenes and tantrums of others.
Appeasement never wins. Do not be a doormat.
Adhere to that which is right.

Stick to your ideal, knowing that the mental outlook, which gives you peace, happiness, and joy, is right, good, and true.Remember, what blesses you, blesses all.

All you owe the other, as Paul says, is love, and love is the fulfilling of the law of health, happiness, and peace of mind. Love is wishing for everyone what you wish for yourself—health, happiness, and all the blessings of life

 

[freecurl]

OP, I truly understand what you are going through. It seems as though emotionally needy and manipulative people find there way to me and I would give and give until I couldn't do it anymore. Guilt made me stay in situations that I should have ran from. Someone shared with me a book called, Boundaries by Dr Henry Cloud and John Townsend, and it literally helped me say NOOOOOOOOOOOO to those type of people. Boundaries are very important.

 

[sidney]

Hey Lady, I think sometimes God places people like this in our lives. I had a needy person in my life and I wanted to run, run, run and fast! I heard God tell me a "a bruised reed something" but I didn't understand. I looked online and I found Isaiah 42:3 "A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out." A reed in that time were easily replaceable and thoughtlessly cast out when they were broken or bruised. When God told me that I didn't want to hear it! Can you believe, I convinced myself that God hadn't said that to me, scripture and all! So got out of the situation. But things got worse for the person. I'm not saying this is the case for you but just because you are used and mistreated doesn't always mean God wants you to be free. Sometimes he will use people like that to develop your Christ-like character. Scripture says that love suffers long and is patient. I'm not one to tell you to hang in there.....I didn't, but really try and see where God's heart is in all of this. Be blessed!

 

[Uber]

The best thing here is to contemplate the greatest need, pride, help or truth? I can't give you an answer but from what you've told us, she's in desperate need. I think her attitude is probably a symptom of the extreme stress she's enduring and the attempt to pick herself up. She's going to class to better herself and at every turn, something goes outside the plan to hijack her desire to overcome this.

Be honest with her and tell her why you cannot do all those things every time. Let her know that you could jeopardize your job, your childrens' health (sick with a virus and spreading it to your kids?) and whatever else you need to set her straight on. She's being selfish right now and you are being taken for granted but I somehow think it's because she's desperately trying to hold on to moving up. I wouldn't give up entirely on helping her but let her know what and why you are stressed over it. She's lucky she came across someone who is selfless enough to give such support for her family.

ITA and I am sure through prayer the spirit will guide you!

 

[CoilyFields]

The best thing here is to contemplate the greatest need, pride, help or truth? I can't give you an answer but from what you've told us, she's in desperate need. I think her attitude is probably a symptom of the extreme stress she's enduring and the attempt to pick herself up. She's going to class to better herself and at every turn, something goes outside the plan to hijack her desire to overcome this.

Be honest with her and tell her why you cannot do all those things every time. Let her know that you could jeopardize your job, your childrens' health (sick with a virus and spreading it to your kids?) and whatever else you need to set her straight on. She's being selfish right now and you are being taken for granted but I somehow think it's because she's desperately trying to hold on to moving up. I wouldn't give up entirely on helping her but let her know what and why you are stressed over it. She's lucky she came across someone who is selfless enough to give such support for her family.

I agree with Natch. She is obviously in need and is trying to handle the business of two (husband and wife) on her own. She definately should be commended for working AND going to school to better support her family.

But I totally understand how you feel. I had a friend who was needy (though she didnt have 7 kids only 3, nor was she working or in school). I was glad to help her...then content to help...then hesitant...then a little resentful. I should have sat with her and had the conversation that Natch was talking about so that bitterness and guilt didnt spring up in me.

Let her know the boundaries. That you are willing to help but you cannot be her consistant back-up plan. Give her an idea of how often youre willing to babysit or offer other assistance. Maybe even help her find other alternatives.

But make sure that you have not made up in your mind to tell her NO next time (and I am by no means telling you to become an enabler) but make sure you Consider the situation first.

 

[sidney]

I saw this today and it made me think of this thread.

Matthew 5:44
But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you and persecute you.

 

[Laela]

There has to be some semblance of balance...being a Christian shouldn't equate to being anyone's doormat... . God is a giving God and we strive to be more like Him. Yet, like with the Israelites, He knew when to not enable them, especially when they were not open to receiving. Our Father compels us to always give with a cheerful heart, and he gives us the ability to do so through the Holy Ghost.

That said, there can be times when being helpful is not helpful to anyone:

2 Corinthians 9:7
Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.

How edifying is helping with a sneer? If I feel pressured or forced to give anything to anyone or help them, it affects my ability to be sincere, because I'm either (a) loaded with guilt for not helping or (b) resentful. This is where God's help is needed, to temper my "feelings" and look past them for what He is using me to do.

Sometimes God will send a sign or confirmation, sometimes He'll use His Word through someone or a sermon to speak to me (like Sidney indicated).

Being practical, by acknowledging God in all our ways is key, and this scenario is a perfect example. OP, please ask the Holy Spirit to guide you on this one, you can't go wrong. I pray that all things work out for good.

 

[F8THINHIM]

I believe we are to bear one anothers burdens, to assist each other until you are able to stand on your own. But it appears that this woman does not desire to stand on her own, but only to continue to lean on you. This isn't helping her but crippling her and not allowing her to learn to stand on her own. It doesn't mean that you don't love her, but love can be tough sometimes. I know many times in my life where God has removed the things I thought I needed to stand on until I learned that I was stronger than I thought and I could stand without that "thing/person" I thought I needed. It is a growth process. When you said no that day, did she find another way? Please pray and find out how long you are to be a resource for this woman. What I have learned is that God is the source and everything and everyone else is a resource. He can use/create any resource He wants. If you are her resource for now, Praise God. But know when your season for that is over. He will supply her with another as He helps her to stand (speaking from experience).

 

[Uber]

The funny thing is I have had a similar experience. I felt that person was really using me and even to the point I felt she was a liar and a fraud. My spirit was never settled with her. Whenever I tried to talk to her, her conversation wers just confusing. And people that confuse you in conversation should never be trusted. In fact I discovered she had blatantly lied to me on one occasion.

I wanted to help as she was a single mom trying to get though uni and she wanted a sitter, and money etc etc. I kept giving her the benefit of the doubt. It did not help that she had the face of an angel but my spirit was never right with her. The final straw came when I had my first child and she could not even make the effort to come and say hello. She invited me to come round, probably to babysit for her as usual. And my hubby was like "no way".

I think there is a point up to where we can help people and there is another point where they abuse the situation, and christianity or no christianity, I don't think that should be allowed to happen.

OP, I think you need to decide at which point you are at.