Feeling Unappreciated
- Thread starter Charlotte
- Start date
EMJazzy
Happily retired
I'm not into any type of begging 
...I go hardcore on his behind....if he's not helping then I start "withholding" things, I might decide that I'm too tired 
for sex because I've been working soooo hard, or I might cook just enough food for our child and myself....if I go grocery shopping I'll just purchase my daughter's favorites or my favorite items and nothing else.......if anything it'll open up some type of dialogue between you two.
Stop doing everything...leave some stuff for HIM to do!!!
I know other's might not agree, I'm just telling you how *I* do things...and it must be working because we are still married.
...I go hardcore on his behind....if he's not helping then I start "withholding" things, I might decide that I'm too tired for sex because I've been working soooo hard, or I might cook just enough food for our child and myself....if I go grocery shopping I'll just purchase my daughter's favorites or my favorite items and nothing else.......if anything it'll open up some type of dialogue between you two. Stop doing everything...leave some stuff for HIM to do!!!
I know other's might not agree, I'm just telling you how *I* do things...and it must be working because we are still married.
Nola Darling
New Member
I understand. My SO never helps! When he does it's half assed. He calls cleaning pushing around a vaccum.
I'm like...uh...the APT is still dirty!
Every time I clean it gets undone in a matter of hours. It's like I live with a child. I stopped cleaning but the apt is gross...so I'm not sure what to do about it.
And I like sex so I dunno about the holding out business.
I'm like...uh...the APT is still dirty! Every time I clean it gets undone in a matter of hours. It's like I live with a child. I stopped cleaning but the apt is gross...so I'm not sure what to do about it.
And I like sex so I dunno about the holding out business.
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My only problem is if I let things go undone, unwashed, or unclean it severly bothers me..... I like order and cleanliness! He on the other hand could care less and for that matter has at times left NOTHING but water in the fridge... unbelievable!
I have tried talking to him about helping me out but it comes downs to 'he doesn't need another mother'. Not to mention he is not one for romance, surprises, cards, etc. And I need that to make me feel appreciated, beautiful and loved. What to do? After three years.... I'm second guessing any 'thoughts' of marriage.
I have tried talking to him about helping me out but it comes downs to 'he doesn't need another mother'. Not to mention he is not one for romance, surprises, cards, etc. And I need that to make me feel appreciated, beautiful and loved. What to do? After three years.... I'm second guessing any 'thoughts' of marriage.
Nola Darling
New Member
How old is he? He sounds just like my SO, maybe it's a young thing?
KEWLKAT103
Well-Known Member
My only advice is to say something to him. Even if you have discussed it before, talk about it again. This has happened with my SO a couple of times. I think that he got too caught up in his daily routine and "forgot" about household responsibilty and cherishing me as his SO. We have discussed exactly what we expect from each other and we both have made changes. Make sure your not arguing and approach the situation without nagging.
I can't leave things undone either, because I can't live in a dirty house or be uncomfortable because he's not holding his own. That's why I nip it in the bud by telling him exactly how I'm feeling and thinking.HTH!
I can't leave things undone either, because I can't live in a dirty house or be uncomfortable because he's not holding his own. That's why I nip it in the bud by telling him exactly how I'm feeling and thinking.HTH!
Candy1978
New Member
I HIGHLY recommend any woman going through issues like these to read Why Men Love *****es....and Why Men Marry *****es, she covers an array of relationship issues, male psychology....like why they do stuff like take you for granted, and what you can do to gain respect, and gain the love and attention you deserve..it has truly helped my love life
mzcris
New Member
I'm not into any type of begging
Stop doing everything...leave some stuff for HIM to do!!!
I know other's might not agree, I'm just telling you how *I* do things...and it must be working because we are still married.
Girl you are too funny...
and I totally agree with you! I've gotten to the point where I don't even bother and just do it myself...
erplexed...they know what needs to be done....I am not going to get my blood pressure up fooling with dear hubby...my daughter appreciates me and that's enuf for me...
I tried for a whole year to make my ex husband understand and no matter what I did all he said I did was nag. Thus he is an ex husband.
ETA: The last 5-6 months of our marriage, I did NOTHING, except wash my dishes. I didn't wash his clothes, purchase food for him, remind him of things or ask him to do anything. But I started throwing away his stuff that he didn't put up. He ended up with 1 shoe, missing hats, coats, playstation games, if it was in my way I just threw it away. I wouldn't suggest you go to that extreme but I knew it was over. When I finally booted him out, he took a little bit of his stuff and was going use me as storage. A year later I send him a certified letter to get his stuff out by Labor Day. He didn't call or anything, to the curb with his stuff. My brother took one of his jean jackets though. To this day, that fool is still looking for his stuff and ask me do I have it in the house. I tell him no and leave it at that.
ETA: The last 5-6 months of our marriage, I did NOTHING, except wash my dishes. I didn't wash his clothes, purchase food for him, remind him of things or ask him to do anything. But I started throwing away his stuff that he didn't put up. He ended up with 1 shoe, missing hats, coats, playstation games, if it was in my way I just threw it away. I wouldn't suggest you go to that extreme but I knew it was over. When I finally booted him out, he took a little bit of his stuff and was going use me as storage. A year later I send him a certified letter to get his stuff out by Labor Day. He didn't call or anything, to the curb with his stuff. My brother took one of his jean jackets though. To this day, that fool is still looking for his stuff and ask me do I have it in the house. I tell him no and leave it at that.
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esoterica
New Member
Wow Charlotte. This guy sounds really selfish. Sometimes we get stuck doing everything because we start doing everything (usually because the guy isn't pulling his weight). Read and enact WMLB and if that doesn't work just dump him. If you feel like he doesn't appreciate you, it's because he doesn't.
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
I'm married to someone like this and it is really hard. I have two babies that I have to care for as well. All I ask is that he help out more and that I shouldn't have to ask him to take care of things around the house. I'm learning that I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do and keeping our house and family in order isn't on his to do list. I don't want to sound like I'm bashing him and I'm now turning things over to the Lord. I'm learning that even though I'm going through some tough times right now, God is going to take care of me and he is sending people my way to help me out with my home and my children. I'm cleaning up our bedroom as I type and I still have a lot of things I need to finish before the night is over and before I go into the hospital to have our daughter. I pretty much doing things on my own with a little bit of his help.(even though he half does it or puts it off) Ladies just stay prayful and don't nag, because that really doesn't work or last long. If you ask him to do something and he doesn't then just leave it as it is and do it yourself. You still have to keep living regardless of what he does or doesn't do. If it is something that is really bothering you talk to him in a way that you would want someone to bring something to your attention. Don't sound like his mother. If he wants to continue to not do his part then maybe you should leave him alone or ask him to leave. He can do all of that at his mother's house because she will love him and put up with that mess regardless.
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
I wouldn't marry him. This is going to be an issue later on down the road if things don't change soon. I hope you don't have children because it will only be worse. Please take it from me. I'm not saying that you should leave him alone but this is a flag so don't ignore it.
Summer_Rain
Well-Known Member
I know you say that if you leave things be, it will just pile up and get even more nasty - but I think you need to bite the bullet and just do that anyway. You've talked to him, and he doesn't listen. So now show him better than you can tell him. Do just for YOU. He says he doesn't need another "mother", but in essence, thats exactly what you're doing when you continue to clean up after him, buy the groceries, do all the chores, etc.
Go cold turkey on his ass! Don't give in and do spot cleanings here and there, just go cold turkey! Hopefully you'll walk in one day to him butt nekkid in an apron moping the floor whilst putting up the groceries he just bought and dinner on the stove!
Men think soooo differently to us. He might show his appreciation in different ways, hence why I am sure he would get angry if you said to him "you don't appreciate me". He'll probably be thinking what is this woman talking about, I fixed the car last week or something you might not even have considered!
THE book to read is Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/07...rd_t=201&pf_rd_p=317711001&pf_rd_i=0752846191
It is truly a great book. It explains the differences between men and women, the science behind it and what we can do to live together better.
Half of the time we expect him to clean because it is messy but he can't even see that the place is a mess. Unreal, I know because we think what fool cannot see this mess. Again a lot of the time, we get annoyed because he has or hasn't done something like he is telepathic but we really need to spell things out, they just don't know otherwise. And usually by the time we do tell them we are annoyed enough that it comes out that way and he tells us we are nagging.
I would say Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus is a better book but this is a fun and light-hearted read and it's very quick to get through.
THE book to read is Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/07...rd_t=201&pf_rd_p=317711001&pf_rd_i=0752846191
It is truly a great book. It explains the differences between men and women, the science behind it and what we can do to live together better.
Half of the time we expect him to clean because it is messy but he can't even see that the place is a mess. Unreal, I know because we think what fool cannot see this mess. Again a lot of the time, we get annoyed because he has or hasn't done something like he is telepathic but we really need to spell things out, they just don't know otherwise. And usually by the time we do tell them we are annoyed enough that it comes out that way and he tells us we are nagging.
I would say Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus is a better book but this is a fun and light-hearted read and it's very quick to get through.
vikkisecret
Nubian Girl
I HIGHLY recommend any woman going through issues like these to read Why Men Love *****es....and Why Men Marry *****es, she covers an array of relationship issues, male psychology....like why they do stuff like take you for granted, and what you can do to gain respect, and gain the love and attention you deserve..it has truly helped my love life
This thread is right up my alley. I have the same problem with my SO but he is not was bad tho. Candy's suggestion is on point because once I switched up and started being more attitudy or b****y my SO will be like aww damn baby u look so sexy when ur mad and then he listens to what i have to say.....so weird. When I'm nice and I really want for him to understand what I'm telling him..he'll listen (wit one ear open) and switch around what I said into whatever benefits him. Alittle Sass goes a long way...
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
I think that is a good point that you made. Like my husband went and got me some cookies and icecream before he came home from work, or another day he bought me the cookies that I like for no reason. See I do appreciate things like that. So I do take notice, but I still need help around here. I think I might go back to making a list of things to do so he can see in writing what needs to be done and he won't feel like he is being stalked or nagged to do them. This way he can check things off and I can see that he is trying. He may not do it the way I would, be at least it will get done. I think everybody should sit down with their SO and talk about doing a list together. You can let him know what chores you like to do and vice versa. I think we should try it this coming up month and see what happens, then we can all report back and tell our stories to see if it worked or didn't. What do ya'll think?
Another thing is...if he thinks it is your 'job', he will never do it. If he knows something is his 'job', he will usually do it really well. How well does he wash the car or do "man stuff". One thing I've noticed is that men will do their jobs WELL but only when they eventually get around to doing it. I'm sure your list will work, as long as he doesn't think it's nagging. Maybe you can write the list together so he does not think you are imposing it on him.
Honey6928215
New Member
When is your lease up? I assume you two are living in an apartment if so don't renew the lease with him. As soon as the lease it about up, pack your stuff while he's at work and find an apartment of your own. I hate to say this but he is not going to listen to you. Men only communicate by action.
Now if it's a house you two purchase I really don't have any advice for that because it's binding. Maybe the ladies can give some advice on it. But still think about what it will be like when you marry him.
Now if it's a house you two purchase I really don't have any advice for that because it's binding. Maybe the ladies can give some advice on it. But still think about what it will be like when you marry him.
Thanks, Ladies for all your responses! We actually don't "officially" live together but I may spend a week or two at his apartment. Although I am really frusterated with him for not helping me (or worse watching me clean with the remote in the other hand) or lack of gifts of affection I am willing to be patient. I know nothing happens over night. Know this ladies.... although I love this man I can easily separate love from my "own" happiness and believe me I will ultimately chose my own happiness.
I will let things go (what a nasty sight that will be) and simply take the backseat as Special K recommended. Wish me luck! My attitude for the last week or so has be very pissy.......
I will let things go (what a nasty sight that will be) and simply take the backseat as Special K recommended. Wish me luck! My attitude for the last week or so has be very pissy.......
Honey6928215
New Member
Well I'm glad to hear that you two are not living together. I take it that it's HIS apartment that you are complaining about. So, don't clean it up. If it's his place let him clean up his mess. I hate to say it but he looks at you like a maid because he's not going to help you clean up period eventhough it's HIS place.
STILL, you can make a 'clean' getaway.
