Fed Up

[Kamilah]

I'm so sick of this efing Peter Pan mentality that guys, especially Black guys but all really, have that they can just take from a relationship and don't owe us anything. They feel no sense of obligation to provide, protect, or even just commit. This disgusts me on so many levels I cannot explain. This rash of "miss independent" songs epitomizes the trend. They say they want a woman who can do for herself (and probably him too) who "wants him but doesn't need him". What the heck? Just because I can pay my bills, am educated, and productive doesn't mean I don't need a man! And the newsflash to them is that they need us too! Why is there so little/no value on stability and relationships? No respect for the positive feelings associated with doing things for the person you love, there is no sense of appreciation of ONE person. No willingness to take the time to make the relationship work, no willingness to try to step up and be the man. Why don't they listen to those old songs when men sang about the joys of being the man in a relationship? How do we have a whole freaking generation of Peter Pans who just run from one woman to the next? I'm not jumping on the whole "45% of Black women..." train, but the reality is more stark. Children born out of wedlock, the notion of abstinance is nearly laughable in our community, "hooking up" being the norm. I'm just totally sick of it all because it seems so hopeless- for our generation in general but for Black people in particular. What the hell is wrong with our men?!?


Rant not over, but I'll spare you the rest. For now.

 

[alwayzalady22]

what does this have to do with peter pan? never never land? is that it?

i really wanna get down with your rant, but i admit, i'm hung up on the peter pan analogy

 

[Everything Zen]

^^^^ LOL that's exactly what I was thinking.

I think I know what she means. It's like the horrible joke: Why do black men call their penises "the magic stick"? Because it's amazing how quickly they disappear when they get you pregnant.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

Why is there so little/no value on stability and relationships? No respect for the positive feelings associated with doing things for the person you love, there is no sense of appreciation of ONE person. No willingness to take the time to make the relationship work, no willingness to try to step up and be the man. Why don't they listen to those old songs when men sang about the joys of being the man in a relationship? How do we have a whole freaking generation of Peter Pans who just run from one woman to the next?

To sum it up in a nutshell briefly.... *lights up a newport one hunnit*

cuz for one, it takes two to tango. a man is only going to do what a woman allows him to do. see, as I've said before in many threads, and I will say it again, we as WOMEN have the power....always have. We've always had the upper hand. If we set standards and rules (basically respect) half the stuff u posted wouldn't happen. The reason why men run from one woman to the next is because they can, and the woman who accept them just to "kickin it" or whateva allow them to. once the man gets tired of "kickin it", he gets bored and move on to the next thing.

*puff*....see, we got the most powerful thing to a man..our minds, our hearts and dat almighty puddi. if we stop allowin da man to stop playin with our minds, hearts, emotions, etc, half of this stuff wouldn't happen. if we stop lettin him get to the goodies so easy, we wouldn't have half the problems of why he does this n why he does that....

if u see that a man is not treating you with respect, takin you out, spending quality time with you, then you need to kick him to the curb. I don't know boutchu, but my time is valuable, and da last thing imma do is have my time wasted....however, it depends on what you want. now, if u wanna man that you just wanna kick it with, then have at it...let him know where u stand upfront...that way, nobody is in the dark about the situation...if you don't wanna be a free agent anymore and ur ready to settle down, then don't settle BS. it's just that simple.

now, as for the songs, don't know the answer to that one...but trust me, they listen to it....when we ain't around.

 

[michelle81]

I'm so sick of this efing Peter Pan mentality that guys, especially Black guys but all really, have that they can just take from a relationship and don't owe us anything. They feel no sense of obligation to provide, protect, or even just commit. This disgusts me on so many levels I cannot explain. This rash of "miss independent" songs epitomizes the trend. They say they want a woman who can do for herself (and probably him too) who "wants him but doesn't need him". What the heck? Just because I can pay my bills, am educated, and productive doesn't mean I don't need a man! And the newsflash to them is that they need us too! Why is there so little/no value on stability and relationships? No respect for the positive feelings associated with doing things for the person you love, there is no sense of appreciation of ONE person. No willingness to take the time to make the relationship work, no willingness to try to step up and be the man. Why don't they listen to those old songs when men sang about the joys of being the man in a relationship? How do we have a whole freaking generation of Peter Pans who just run from one woman to the next? I'm not jumping on the whole "45% of Black women..." train, but the reality is more stark. Children born out of wedlock, the notion of abstinance is nearly laughable in our community, "hooking up" being the norm. I'm just totally sick of it all because it seems so hopeless- for our generation in general but for Black people in particular. What the hell is wrong with our men?!?


Rant not over, but I'll spare you the rest. For now.

Well, what do you plan on doing to help change this problem?

 

[Everything Zen]

I'm so sick of this efing Peter Pan mentality that guys, especially Black guys but all really, have that they can just take from a relationship and don't owe us anything. They feel no sense of obligation to provide, protect, or even just commit. This disgusts me on so many levels I cannot explain. This rash of "miss independent" songs epitomizes the trend. They say they want a woman who can do for herself (and probably him too) who "wants him but doesn't need him". What the heck? Just because I can pay my bills, am educated, and productive doesn't mean I don't need a man! And the newsflash to them is that they need us too! Why is there so little/no value on stability and relationships? No respect for the positive feelings associated with doing things for the person you love, there is no sense of appreciation of ONE person. No willingness to take the time to make the relationship work, no willingness to try to step up and be the man. Why don't they listen to those old songs when men sang about the joys of being the man in a relationship? How do we have a whole freaking generation of Peter Pans who just run from one woman to the next? I'm not jumping on the whole "45% of Black women..." train, but the reality is more stark. Children born out of wedlock, the notion of abstinance is nearly laughable in our community, "hooking up" being the norm. I'm just totally sick of it all because it seems so hopeless- for our generation in general but for Black people in particular. What the hell is wrong with our men?!?


Rant not over, but I'll spare you the rest. For now.

Please divulge. I can't wait to hear this one!

I was thinking of this not just bc of my rant about my own black male dealings this week but bc whenever i go visit my grandmother, she has one of the tv court shows on. I am so sick of seeing these women taking these men (99% of the time black ) to court over money spent on all expense paid vacations, down payment on a car, some even buying their own engagement rings! The dudes always sit there looking crazy like "I thought it was a gift?"

The problem lies in women and low self esteem. Women let men have the best of themselves and get away with murder. We control sex- Period.

 

[Kamilah]

Alwayzalady....well, the whole Peter Pan thing was that he never wanted to grow up. Just like these jerks.

Michelle...I TOTALLY agree. But even when they do right- like my ex for instance- it's like they get terrified and run. He did everything right, courtship, did everything I expected, even up to being abstinent until marriage. The end of the month he proposed he could no longer say that he loved me and he just freaks out. What the hell?? And this from a "good guy".

Michelle...Well for one, I don't consider myself a part of the problem. I have high standards and a code of conduct by which I abide and expect any man who is with me to abide by as well. Secondly, I am in the process of incorporating my non-profit which (among other things) seeks to strengthen these concepts (and by extension the family unit) in our communities.

Zen...DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED! I am almost a 28 yr old virgin and I am at my ABSOLUTE wits end. These guys expect you to just give it up while you're still freaking strangers. REALLY?!? Next thing I know I'm old as rocks and still haven't gotten any. Now, I know that supposedly I control this, but I am at the point where I feel like my back is against the wall (a chic's got needs, you know?!). So in a sense, I'm ensensed because I no longer feel I have that power I once had. Not to mention the fact that it's not even valued/respected and it's really shunned (and I feel like a loser). And its not bc I can't find somebody to do it with, I just don't want to be like these guys who would just lay with me if I asked. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH!

It really just makes me so upset. As "independent" as I am, I still walk that line where I allow a man to be a man- I prefer it. Even when I was young I always wanted to be "the ideal woman" and I think I am as ideal as I can be (we all have our limitations, you know?). It is so disheartening when I see what I am forced to choose from, or be subjected to. Even men who have something to offer act as it it's wrong to "pressure them" with expectations. REALLY? Give me a freaking break. Grow some ballz, be a man, and come correctly if you want to be with me.

 

[Everything Zen]

Alwayzalady....well, the whole Peter Pan thing was that he never wanted to grow up. Just like these jerks.

AHA!


Zen...DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED! I am almost a 28 yr old virgin and I am at my ABSOLUTE wits end. These guys expect you to just give it up while you're still freaking strangers. REALLY?!? Next thing I know I'm old as rocks and still haven't gotten any. Now, I know that supposedly I control this, but I am at the point where I feel like my back is against the wall (a chic's got needs, you know?!). So in a sense, I'm ensensed because I no longer feel I have that power I once had. Not to mention the fact that it's not even valued/respected and it's really shunned (and I feel like a loser). And its not bc I can't find somebody to do it with, I just don't want to be like these guys who would just lay with me if I asked. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Don't feel bad, I'm right behind you at 27. I took comfort in the fact that I found so many other women on this board that were virgins of all ages. You are not alone. It's so weird that men shun you for it. It seems like if they know you're a virgin in my experience they're even more hyped on trying to be the one that gets a "first crack" at you.

 

[cutiepiebabygirl]

I just wanted you ladies to know that I am very proud of you all for saving yourselves !!

That is pretty incredible nowadays!! Try and stay encouraged!

I am not a virgin, got a 6 year old to prove it! LOL

But I am celibate..and plan on being that way til I'm married if I get married...I know how rough it is out there! I have had my share of knuckleheads too! I take comfort in the fact, that none of this is in my hands..that it is in God's hands. If he has someone for me..I know that he will bring that man along in His timing, not mine. I trust Him to know what is best (I'm not saying that's easy to do). But I know that if no man cares, that He does, and as I try to do right and keep the faith, He is going to bless me abundantly.

So don't be discouraged by the "craziness" of this world...and remember that God is in control!

 

[alwayzalady22]

thanks for clarifying peter pan for me... i was hella lost last night

but i agree with the previous posters who said it takes two to tango. a man will either elevate himself if he really wants to be with you, or you need to get to steppin' if he won't

 

[lexi84]

Why is there so little/no value on stability and relationships? No respect for the positive feelings associated with doing things for the person you love, there is no sense of appreciation of ONE person. No willingness to take the time to make the relationship work, no willingness to try to step up and be the man. Why don't they listen to those old songs when men sang about the joys of being the man in a relationship? How do we have a whole freaking generation of Peter Pans who just run from one woman to the next?

To sum it up in a nutshell briefly.... *lights up a newport one hunnit*

cuz for one, it takes two to tango. a man is only going to do what a woman allows him to do. see, as I've said before in many threads, and I will say it again, we as WOMEN have the power....always have. We've always had the upper hand. If we set standards and rules (basically respect) half the stuff u posted wouldn't happen. The reason why men run from one woman to the next is because they can, and the woman who accept them just to "kickin it" or whateva allow them to. once the man gets tired of "kickin it", he gets bored and move on to the next thing.

*puff*....see, we got the most powerful thing to a man..our minds, our hearts and dat almighty puddi. if we stop allowin da man to stop playin with our minds, hearts, emotions, etc, half of this stuff wouldn't happen. if we stop lettin him get to the goodies so easy, we wouldn't have half the problems of why he does this n why he does that....

if u see that a man is not treating you with respect, takin you out, spending quality time with you, then you need to kick him to the curb. I don't know boutchu, but my time is valuable, and da last thing imma do is have my time wasted....however, it depends on what you want. now, if u wanna man that you just wanna kick it with, then have at it...let him know where u stand upfront...that way, nobody is in the dark about the situation...if you don't wanna be a free agent anymore and ur ready to settle down, then don't settle BS. it's just that simple.

now, as for the songs, don't know the answer to that one...but trust me, they listen to it....when we ain't around.

Great post.

But why did imagine you saying all this as if you were Madea? Especially when you say you lit a newport one hunnit

 

[*~*Afrolicious*~*]

Don't feel bad, I'm right behind you at 27. I took comfort in the fact that I found so many other women on this board that were virgins of all ages. You are not alone. It's so weird that men shun you for it. It seems like if they know you're a virgin in my experience they're even more hyped on trying to be the one that gets a "first crack" at you.

ALL of the men I've dated from 18-23 (except my current SO) have tried many ways to get in my panties. I try to counteract this buy opening my options with dating and found my wonderful, virginal SO. Are you opened to dating other ethnicities? Have you tried online dating?

 

[Everything Zen]

ALL of the men I've dated from 18-23 (except my current SO) have tried many ways to get in my panties. I try to counteract this buy opening my options with dating and found my wonderful, virginal SO. Are you opened to dating other ethnicities? Have you tried online dating?

I am an equal opportunity dater. My last SO was a virgin. My current SO is celibate and white.

 

[Kamilah]

Yea, I'm about as open as I can be. Since I was trying to hold out for somebody of my same faith, I was pretty much bound to internet courting. Now, I don't care. I'm getting a boob job next month :blondboob and I'm saying to hell with it . I clearly can't beat them, so I'm just going to do me. I'm young, in South Florida, and I'm no leper by any stretch of the imagination. Bump this. I don't see the white picket fence ending I've always wanted so I'm rewriting my dream. I'm just really bitter that I feel like it's been stolen from me; like the whole notion of "working hard on yourself and creating the life you want" doesn't work out when you can only control yourself but you want someone else in it with you. Shrug.

 

[Ms_Delikate]

Why is there so little/no value on stability and relationships? No respect for the positive feelings associated with doing things for the person you love, there is no sense of appreciation of ONE person. No willingness to take the time to make the relationship work, no willingness to try to step up and be the man. Why don't they listen to those old songs when men sang about the joys of being the man in a relationship? How do we have a whole freaking generation of Peter Pans who just run from one woman to the next?

To sum it up in a nutshell briefly.... *lights up a newport one hunnit*

cuz for one, it takes two to tango. a man is only going to do what a woman allows him to do. see, as I've said before in many threads, and I will say it again, we as WOMEN have the power....always have. We've always had the upper hand. If we set standards and rules (basically respect) half the stuff u posted wouldn't happen. The reason why men run from one woman to the next is because they can, and the woman who accept them just to "kickin it" or whateva allow them to. once the man gets tired of "kickin it", he gets bored and move on to the next thing.

*puff*....see, we got the most powerful thing to a man..our minds, our hearts and dat almighty puddi. if we stop allowin da man to stop playin with our minds, hearts, emotions, etc, half of this stuff wouldn't happen. if we stop lettin him get to the goodies so easy, we wouldn't have half the problems of why he does this n why he does that....

if u see that a man is not treating you with respect, takin you out, spending quality time with you, then you need to kick him to the curb. I don't know boutchu, but my time is valuable, and da last thing imma do is have my time wasted....however, it depends on what you want. now, if u wanna man that you just wanna kick it with, then have at it...let him know where u stand upfront...that way, nobody is in the dark about the situation...if you don't wanna be a free agent anymore and ur ready to settle down, then don't settle BS. it's just that simple.

now, as for the songs, don't know the answer to that one...but trust me, they listen to it....when we ain't around.

You know what..I was talking to a guy I met recently yesterday and he told me the same thing...Even he is in disbelieve at how easy it is for guys to get what they want nowadays......I couldn't believe it!! We were having a frank conversation I guess because at this point we both felt we had nothing to lose. I am of the mentality that "I am bringing a lot to the table and if you cannot meet my standards then we can respectfully agree to keep it moving." I will not lower my standards nor will I get mad at you for not raising yours. We are adults and if we don't want the same things you can go your way and I will go mine.

He really gave me an eye opener with some of the things he was able to get away with...although he is claiming that he is tired of it and is now looking for quality. Only time will tell because if he thinks he is going to run the okey doke on me...he will be getting his feelings hurt!

 

[Ms_Delikate]

Please divulge. I can't wait to hear this one!

I was thinking of this not just bc of my rant about my own black male dealings this week but bc whenever i go visit my grandmother, she has one of the tv court shows on. I am so sick of seeing these women taking these men (99% of the time black ) to court over money spent on all expense paid vacations, down payment on a car, some even buying their own engagement rings! The dudes always sit there looking crazy like "I thought it was a gift?"

The problem lies in women and low self esteem. Women let men have the best of themselves and get away with murder. We control sex- Period.

Because a thank you just isn't enough...Why can't women see that???

 

[Nayna]

Yea, I'm about as open as I can be. Since I was trying to hold out for somebody of my same faith, I was pretty much bound to internet courting. Now, I don't care. I'm getting a boob job next month :blondboob and I'm saying to hell with it . I clearly can't beat them, so I'm just going to do me. I'm young, in South Florida, and I'm no leper by any stretch of the imagination. Bump this. I don't see the white picket fence ending I've always wanted so I'm rewriting my dream. I'm just really bitter that I feel like it's been stolen from me; like the whole notion of "working hard on yourself and creating the life you want" doesn't work out when you can only control yourself but you want someone else in it with you. Shrug.

Girl are u crazy?! Dont let some nonsense change who u are! I mean if ur ready to go on and do u, then hey, but I think it would be unfortunate to go wasting ur virtue, especially if u haven't met someone worth ur time.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

You know what..I was talking to a guy I met recently yesterday and he told me the same thing...Even he is in disbelieve at how easy it is for guys to get what they want nowadays......I couldn't believe it!! We were having a frank conversation I guess because at this point we both felt we had nothing to lose. I am of the mentality that "I am bringing a lot to the table and if you cannot meet my standards then we can respectfully agree to keep it moving." I will not lower my standards nor will I get mad at you for not raising yours. We are adults and if we don't want the same things you can go your way and I will go mine.

He really gave me an eye opener with some of the things he was able to get away with...although he is claiming that he is tired of it and is now looking for quality. Only time will tell because if he thinks he is going to run the okey doke on me...he will be getting his feelings hurt![/quote]

u neva know chile..he may be tryna feel u out to see where u at, but guess what....at least he know that you won't fall for the okeydoke and he knows where u stand and how u wanna be treated.

sad but true, when men get bored of kickin it, they move on. women do it to cuz i've done it. and see, das why u see posts that say...."why hasn't he called me back"...cuz he tired and has found something new. if we get more vocal and just tell a brotha straight up what da deal is, whether u wanna kick it or not, at least he knows where u stand.

don't hate da playa....hate da game.