Fear of losing control

[gone_fishing]

A few questions:

Where does the FEAR of LOSING CONTROL of ourselves in relationships come from? Are we not in control of our own destiny?

Why do we fear the loss of love and the loss of our own identities when we enter long-term, committed relationships?

What makes wounded individuals think that by being in a relationship, they are giving up the critical parts of themselves that make them who they are?

Is it deeply rooted in the fear abandonment?

This is the topic on another forum.

This is one lady's response:

Black women aren't afraid of losing the imitation of control we have. It's waaaayyyyyy bigger than that.

Black women are afraid because they believe that their interests are not at the heart of Black men, that Black men will abuse their power and hurt them, and they are also afraid to have a Black man lead because she's afraid that he will FAIL.

That's really all this amounts to...

Yep, there it is, I SAID IT!

And a continuance of that response:

Contrary to popular belief, it's really a lot simpler than many men think.

Women are afraid...
... that something is going to happen to her man. He could be hurt, killed, threatened.
...of being led into harm's way
...the the family's needs will not be taken care of
...what if the little security (healthinsurance, savings) that is there is compromised and lost? Then what?
...what if someone gets sick - or dies?

A woman wants to be confident that NOTHING BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN. We are worriers by nature. We want our man (our grandfather, father, brother, husband) to make us believe that we have no reason to be afraid.

Women are afraid to make themselves vulerable for fear of being HURT.

If we admit to you that we are AFRAID, will they attack us in our vulnerability? Or will theyassure us that we have absolutely nothing to be afraid of, and tell us why?

 

[ryanshope]

Compelling subject...I don't fear loss of control, but I did have vulnerability issues that are related. I recognize that the only person I can "control" is ME..hence forth, I can't lose control, unless I lose control of myself. However, being vulnerable is hard for people, especially the "STRONG, BLACK WOMAN" to do...Over the past few months I have learned that people who love you and honor your relationship will appreciate when you more when you are vulnerable with them...

 

[JFemme]

A few questions:

Where does the FEAR of LOSING CONTROL of ourselves in relationships come from? Are we not in control of our own destiny?

Why do we fear the loss of love and the loss of our own identities when we enter long-term, committed relationships?

What makes wounded individuals think that by being in a relationship, they are giving up the critical parts of themselves that make them who they are?

Is it deeply rooted in the fear abandonment?

This is the topic on another forum.

This is one lady's response:

Black women aren't afraid of losing the imitation of control we have. It's waaaayyyyyy bigger than that.

Black women are afraid because they believe that their interests are not at the heart of Black men, that Black men will abuse their power and hurt them, and they are also afraid to have a Black man lead because she's afraid that he will FAIL.

That's really all this amounts to...

Color excluded, these sentiments would concern me in any relationship...

Personally, I believe women give up way too much, power and control in relationships, which leads to all sorts of drama, pain and disillusionment, fears and anger... all in the name of love ??....

Aint no man leading me nowhere, I dont want to go.. I really dont get this leadership idea...

Lawd..

 

[Syrah]

A few questions:
Black women are afraid because they believe that their interests are not at the heart of Black men, that Black men will abuse their power and hurt them, and they are also afraid to have a Black man lead because she's afraid that he will FAIL.

A woman wants to be confident that NOTHING BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN. We are worriers by nature. We want our man (our grandfather, father, brother, husband) to make us believe that we have no reason to be afraid.

Yes and yes. But I don't think that this is singled out to black women. I just think it's more pronounced in black women because American Society has ruined the idea that men are to care for women (financially). In America, you're a golddigger. In Indian, you're just doing what every other woman in society does.

Women don't want to necessarily be confident that NOTHING BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN because that simply isn't reality. Women just want to know that there is a disaster plan in place. That you're not walking a the plank without a life jacket.

We are nurturing beings. We want SECURITY. I don't mind you throwing $200K into your dream business as long as I know that if the dream business doesn't work, that we're not homeless. I'll be your biggest cheerleader as long as I know you've got a backup plan. That WE have got a backup plan.

But nah, I don't fear losing control. I would love to give up all control - to be a "kept woman" where my responsibility is to do what I have to for my family and not worry about mortgage and daycare.

I fear having to give up on my dreams and hopes for my relationships and future family because the men I meet just aren't on the level. THATS my fear.

Control??? Psssht...I don't want it anyway.

 

[Evolving78]

I don't like being not in control of the things around me or my life. For the past couple of years I have been in that state where I needed to depend on my husband and I wasn't getting the help or support that I felt I needed. It made me feel overwhelmed and out of control. I felt like all I could was just sit on my hands and just deal with it, but I didn't want to deal with it, so I was stressed out a lot, stayed sick and tired a lot. I wasn't even taking care of myself and unborn baby the right way. I felt like bringing other child into this world was a mistake and that I was going to have to struggle with two babies by myself even though I'm married. I don't feel that way right now and I'm learning that you can't contol anything, but yourself and people do things to you that you allow them to. That can be taken as good or bad. I had to learn that once I started making changes within myself that things eventually will change with me or around me. I think that is the fear that black women have. They are afraid that if they let their guard down that they will just get their heart stomped on when they really need someone to be in their corner. Nowadays these men out here just don't give women that sense of security or make them feel safe to just be. I would love to not have to feel like I need to be in control and just follow sometimes, but still be respected.

 

[Colliecole]

I agree with this WHOLE post!!!! MsNadi, you read my mind.

Yes and yes. But I don't think that this is singled out to black women. I just think it's more pronounced in black women because American Society has ruined the idea that men are to care for women (financially). In America, you're a golddigger. In Indian, you're just doing what every other woman in society does.

Women don't want to necessarily be confident that NOTHING BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN because that simply isn't reality. Women just want to know that there is a disaster plan in place. That you're not walking a the plank without a life jacket.

We are nurturing beings. We want SECURITY. I don't mind you throwing $200K into your dream business as long as I know that if the dream business doesn't work, that we're not homeless. I'll be your biggest cheerleader as long as I know you've got a backup plan. That WE have got a backup plan.

But nah, I don't fear losing control. I would love to give up all control - to be a "kept woman" where my responsibility is to do what I have to for my family and not worry about mortgage and daycare.

I fear having to give up on my dreams and hopes for my relationships and future family because the men I meet just aren't on the level. THATS my fear.

Control??? Psssht...I don't want it anyway.

 

[bLackButtaFly]

Compelling subject...I don't fear loss of control, but I did have vulnerability issues that are related. I recognize that the only person I can "control" is ME..hence forth, I can't lose control, unless I lose control of myself. However, being vulnerable is hard for people, especially the "STRONG, BLACK WOMAN" to do...Over the past few months I have learned that people who love you and honor your relationship will appreciate when you more when you are vulnerable with them...

So true. It's just so hard to be vulnerable with ppl, and trust that they have your best interests at heart. Especially when you've been vulnerable in the past only to have it blow up in your face. It makes it all the more difficult to believe that the next time it'll go well.